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Text of the page (random words):
and while soaring about i remembered that i had forgotten that i knew how to fly all this time right no symbolism to be found here and then i woke from the dream sat up and muttered quietly but out loud crazy and promptly fell right back to sleep so in the 44 hours since that dream i ve heard that song crazy by seal as in my dog s name three different times which is what i muttered in the middle of the night after having a dream about wanting to fly and remembering that i could fly which is a song i m sure i haven t heard even once in several years and in this song crazy that alanis morissette does an awesome cover of the lyrics are in a world full of people only some want to fly isn t that crazy isn t that crazy i mean come on i ve listened to the song intentionally a few times since and although the vague symbolism is obvious enough what s this about seriously just tell me she then pronounced us wife and wife september 19 2012 in uncategorized by jesse james 17 comments well well well if it isn t me i feel like your first question is and rightly should be where the hell have you been and that is such a fair question but it s the pressure behind trying to answer that s the problem and makes the keyboard freeze it s just been too log now and i m no good at the linear stuff all of this blank blog page time is totally my doing but it s just been too much time now to try and figure out how to answer that prompted questions in general always make me stuck so if we can somehow get around the obvious questions and i can start wherever well usually at some point i somehow fill in the blanks anyway cool so anyway i got married last weekend don t worry violet knows she was there and all that bull poo about how your wedding day can be the best day of your life yuck and let me just tell you this totally true i know i know so gross right and i won t go on and on about it for too long but my wedding day was seriously one of the very best days i ve ever had it really truly might be the best day i ve ever had but i ve had so many days and so many incredible ones at that that i m not ready to give it that title until i ve taken a much closer inventory regardless of titles it was simply beautiful and full of so much love and fun and magic including a late night lightening storm with no rain that lit up the sky with fireworks for hours all the while most of the most important people in my entire world were all in the same place at the same time laughing hugging talking dancing with each other for hours and hours and hours it was simply incredible and in case any of you are wondering yes of course we ended our ceremony with a cher song i mean of course we did political interlude hey speaking of marriage earlier this year washington s governor legalized marriage equality it was awesome and then a half a hot minute later a bunch of assholes collected a ton of signatures to get a referendum referendum 74 on the ballot to keep marriage equality illegal booooo hiss if this has you angry inspired or so inclined there is a very brave incredible tireless organization washington united for marriage that is working it s butt off to help us and could use any support you have the campaign to keep homophobia alive and well has raised over 7 million dollars to keep marriage discrimination legal here seven million freaking dollars so i encourage you to donate if you can volunteer post about them tell your friends anything you can do to get the word out that the good fight needs a lot of financial help to keep up with the hate groups bank accounts you could consider it your wedding gift to all the queers out there to yourself even also a super fun fact if yes on referendum 74 wins the vote this november washington state will be the very first state to vote in marriage equality by the people for the people this is a big deal so no matter where you live your help with this will count big time and could make history so this random return to the blogosphere is short ish and sweet ish but it s something and it s the best of what i have for now and if you want credit for the push that has me hitting publish it was the recent random tweets and the few almost simultaneous emails that finally did it so thanks for that i ve been thinking about you too and now the cher song that violet and i kissed the bride to for the full effect start the video at minute 1 48 that s exactly where the song came in when our officiant a k a my bestie rene said by the power vested in me i now pronounce you wife and wife tell me what else should i have done february 6 2012 in how i roll long winded and worth it by jesse james 6 comments i was laid off last week i ve written several posts about it and once again nothing was posted i m still struggling with well god to be honest a lot right now but i m still struggling to find my way back to this space so instead of a dramatic play by play of how my last day went down which is a good story and what i am used to writing and what you are used to getting i m going to try a different route the insider s scoop i e what s really going on with me rather than the story i could tell to distract us both from well me so i lost my job last week in some respect this is a huge relief for several reasons in the other direction it seems to be heading up what some could define as a bit of an existential crisis or really i guess this is what s tipping me over the edge onto one that has been lurking and looming for a while now i know i can find another job that s not it at all that s the easy part it s the painfully exhausting question of what it is that i should be doing really doing with my life and lately just choosing whether or not to even consider this question tosses me down the rabbit hole so hard and fast that all of a sudden trying to consider a new career move puts everything about my entire existence on earth under question under fire under the spotlight and it takes just seconds in this mind space to expand bigger and bigger and bigger until i feel like my brain pops and everything freezes well i freeze and the world keeps going i am being reminded by friends and loved ones regularly that i am really sensitive highly sensitive emotionally guided whatever you want to call it my dad just had me take the myers briggs test the other night and surprise the world breaks my heart regularly and i care so intensely about everything that it wouldn t be beyond me to name and care for wild animals with the same love and regard as a family member and if you re laughing so am i i mean i ve written more stories here about a raccoon than my best friend i cried for a week when fraidy phat the fish died and it still makes my heart hurt so i m not worried about or trying to downsize my being a bit more concerned with emotionally invested in sensitive about things that might slide a bit easier by another person that is just who i am that part as exhausting as it can be for everyone i m ok with but i have been concerned with the extent in which this has me flat out frozen having no clue what to do what it all means as a result i m not getting any closer to doing anything at all or at least right now it feels that way as a semi relevant side note i m reading a physics theory book that is only compounding my unrest by confirming the importance of my questions alongside the impossibility of every knowing the answers to any of them basically this book is confirming that the foundation of my existential crisis is backed up by hard science awesome now try to sleep tell me what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life is one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite poems by my very favorite poet mary oliver i think this line frequently i get to an impasse whether to turn left or right or which college to attend and i think this line and usually when i think it sing it chant it it makes me smile my body flutters with the potential of it but lately it has been haunting me it s as if her tone has sharpened and there is a clock ticking in the background this all sounds so dooms day and i don t mean it to sound this way i know this isn t my usual style except that i want all of my questions about life purpose and meaning answered in full i really don t know what my problem is right now my optimistic guess is that it s a culmination of things and that at some point all of this angst will have worked in my favor offering insight and information that i wouldn t normally tune in to you know where in hindsight you just briefly mention to your friend ya that was a bit of a rough patch but look where it got me i m holding tight for that version i m turning 35 next week and now you say ah ha i know but birthdays usually don t hold much power over me i mean i like cake and violet always gets me something really sweet but this one is bugging me tugging at me in a way i ve never dealt with before it feels like this number is creating time lines on certain things that just undeniably need to be flushed out in a way that i could always answer someday to before i know that along with a series of things this is making me review and scrutinize my life under a slightly brighter bulb with a series of questions i ve thus far dismissed with no comment but now i want answers and for certain things i think i need them what i also want to do is just get over myself i ve learned this to be a key component to living with myself without driving myself totally bat shit crazy i come close to nutso but then just in time i get over myself just enough to continue putting up with me but now that s beginning to feel more like complacency or fear or maybe it s a part of survival hell if i know if i haven t made that obvious enough the sun is out today and has been for a few days and that is a really good thing for me right now even though it s still cold out that bright cobalt blue sky is reminding me that it really will be warm again flower seeds are making roots and incredible plans of escape the light really is returning i tend to forget that right around now or maybe you noticed where there is no punch line or lesson to be learned january 13 2012 in uncategorized by jesse james 13 comments it s been awhile huh and once again i have no idea where to start so i ll just go the same old route that has served me well thus far and ramble until one of the sentences looks like a good place to stop truth be told i ve written a few posts and then wimped out and never put them up my unconquered fear of this space finally got me initially i started this blog at the consistent and flattering push of sinclair i wrote a piece on her site years ago and her adoring fans were very kind towards my first online publishing after that with a few more come on just do it and a lot of set up help from sincalir i did it and so began just like jesse james and i m so glad i did i could write forever about how much this space and the connections in it mean to me how at many different times it has been my saving grace i love this place but in starting this totally public blog writing out loud if you will i have always struggled with my identity here let s just pop the bubble and be honest spoiler alert my real life walking talking name is not jesse james my life revolves around a few more characters than my best fish friend a raccoon who i haven t seen in quite a while the seal cher and violet although they are major maaaajor players in my day to day it s a much bigger more complicated world for me than that and that is where this blog stops right where there is no punch line or obvious lesson to be learned everything past that is the event horizon of this blog universe and just falls off into the land of things that happen in my life and go unwritten and pretty unconsciously the boundary on this continued to tighten until i had almost nowhere left to go and so the obvious you haven t heard from me in a while sinclair has told me a few times you are a master at telling a story about yourself without revealing anything greg said something very similar when i met her as well and oh how that is true and i take some pride in that it is also something i m working on doing less of sharing in general reaching out not being so private is hard for me i can t even begin to tell you how hard which could lead you to think my blog seems a bit ironic then but that s not the case at all jljj was the beginning of working on this fear of sharing myself a lot of writing here was just learning how to come out in a bunch of little ways through stories i used to read and reread every post over and over to try and dissipate some of the panic i felt when i finally pushed publish and then when the comments would come dear god more panic slowly but surely i came to appreciate that under my alias i was free r to write my truths and that here they didn t need to be edited or filtered through the social structures and dynamics that are everywhere else in my day to day i could be in this space say whatever i want and 99 9 of you could pass right by me on the street having no idea that i m jesse james i loved that so james bond this duality has never ceased to keep things a bit complicated and interesting having two worlds to walk in and walk quite differently in at times but there is something about the two of me that i cherish remarkably and that has acted as a profound outlet to bits and pieces of who i am that might never have seen the light of day otherwise like songs that get sung in the shower or like when i pretend the seal is an opera singer and how i sing cher songs really loudly in an operatic voice pretending that the seal is singing them but only when it s just us this is something i am trying to figure out how to hold on to somehow and maybe merge a bit here s the dilemma in a tighter little nutshell i have a really hard time sharing my brain and let s just stay honest heart too with people i know and love weird but that s the deal so i started this blog to share my brain with people that don t know me because that made me feel safe and set me free r but then there s a twist my relationship with the blog continued to grow and so did the relationships with quite a few of the readers and other bloggers oh no my love for you is real and so i began slowly tightening the reins on what i felt safe and comfortable saying until i finally ran out of things to say at all jesus that is just ridiculous but that is what happened i guess the other unconquered fear to my blog world life is a really obvious one in that anyone can come in read my brain do whatever they want with it and leave however that has never been as scary to me as the ideas in the previous paragraph and i ll always cherish the woman who called me a left winged bigot always so once again here i am at the end of another ramble only this time i ll post it this time i ll stop writing before there is a punch line or some lesson learned truth be told most of the time i...
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