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Text of the page (random words):
e sky is reminding me that it really will be warm again flower seeds are making roots and incredible plans of escape the light really is returning i tend to forget that right around now or maybe you noticed where there is no punch line or lesson to be learned january 13 2012 in uncategorized by jesse james 13 comments it s been awhile huh and once again i have no idea where to start so i ll just go the same old route that has served me well thus far and ramble until one of the sentences looks like a good place to stop truth be told i ve written a few posts and then wimped out and never put them up my unconquered fear of this space finally got me initially i started this blog at the consistent and flattering push of sinclair i wrote a piece on her site years ago and her adoring fans were very kind towards my first online publishing after that with a few more come on just do it and a lot of set up help from sincalir i did it and so began just like jesse james and i m so glad i did i could write forever about how much this space and the connections in it mean to me how at many different times it has been my saving grace i love this place but in starting this totally public blog writing out loud if you will i have always struggled with my identity here let s just pop the bubble and be honest spoiler alert my real life walking talking name is not jesse james my life revolves around a few more characters than my best fish friend a raccoon who i haven t seen in quite a while the seal cher and violet although they are major maaaajor players in my day to day it s a much bigger more complicated world for me than that and that is where this blog stops right where there is no punch line or obvious lesson to be learned everything past that is the event horizon of this blog universe and just falls off into the land of things that happen in my life and go unwritten and pretty unconsciously the boundary on this continued to tighten until i had almost nowhere left to go and so the obvious you haven t heard from me in a while sinclair has told me a few times you are a master at telling a story about yourself without revealing anything greg said something very similar when i met her as well and oh how that is true and i take some pride in that it is also something i m working on doing less of sharing in general reaching out not being so private is hard for me i can t even begin to tell you how hard which could lead you to think my blog seems a bit ironic then but that s not the case at all jljj was the beginning of working on this fear of sharing myself a lot of writing here was just learning how to come out in a bunch of little ways through stories i used to read and reread every post over and over to try and dissipate some of the panic i felt when i finally pushed publish and then when the comments would come dear god more panic slowly but surely i came to appreciate that under my alias i was free r to write my truths and that here they didn t need to be edited or filtered through the social structures and dynamics that are everywhere else in my day to day i could be in this space say whatever i want and 99 9 of you could pass right by me on the street having no idea that i m jesse james i loved that so james bond this duality has never ceased to keep things a bit complicated and interesting having two worlds to walk in and walk quite differently in at times but there is something about the two of me that i cherish remarkably and that has acted as a profound outlet to bits and pieces of who i am that might never have seen the light of day otherwise like songs that get sung in the shower or like when i pretend the seal is an opera singer and how i sing cher songs really loudly in an operatic voice pretending that the seal is singing them but only when it s just us this is something i am trying to figure out how to hold on to somehow and maybe merge a bit here s the dilemma in a tighter little nutshell i have a really hard time sharing my brain and let s just stay honest heart too with people i know and love weird but that s the deal so i started this blog to share my brain with people that don t know me because that made me feel safe and set me free r but then there s a twist my relationship with the blog continued to grow and so did the relationships with quite a few of the readers and other bloggers oh no my love for you is real and so i began slowly tightening the reins on what i felt safe and comfortable saying until i finally ran out of things to say at all jesus that is just ridiculous but that is what happened i guess the other unconquered fear to my blog world life is a really obvious one in that anyone can come in read my brain do whatever they want with it and leave however that has never been as scary to me as the ideas in the previous paragraph and i ll always cherish the woman who called me a left winged bigot always so once again here i am at the end of another ramble only this time i ll post it this time i ll stop writing before there is a punch line or some lesson learned truth be told most of the time i don t have either aaaaaaaand gulp publish i swear to god this just happened july 27 2011 in cher thursday violet by jesse james 4 comments please note that this entire conversation was apropos of nothing in fact we were both just doing our own thing listening to music violet you know what me nope what violet we should have our first dance be to a cher song me don t play with me like that v violet i m serious it would be perfect me i have found the one luckiest little bitch july 18 2011 in dog days it s all my dad s fault by jesse james 16 comments ok so let me just throw out the hook right off the bat and you can decide if you want to keep reading this story will get to a point where my stepmother is packing heat yes a fucking gun in the middle of the night with her 60 year old pot smoking grateful dead lovin neighbor friend to kidnap a puppy from a different nearby neighbor that is known in the area simply as that crazy motherfucker so if that doesn t interest you i got nothing you re on your own now my stepmother i ve never mentioned her here before because she and i have little contact and when we do it is either slightly awkward to somewhere around full blown this is so awkward awkward she and i just don t click we have nothing in common but my dad and our deep and sometimes mocked and sometimes admittedly but with no shame or apology over the top passion for all things alive but mostly we are just so very different in every single other way the first time we hung out she took me to get our nails done i am a lesbian with no nails to be done really but whatever she is a wonderful woman we re just not a match but she is perfect for my dad and makes him remarkably happy in a way that rests me assured that he has found the one she is beautiful too quite beautiful my dad is a fine lookin dude himself don t get me wrong but if someone was to whisper trophy wife behind their back i wouldn t be surprised nor would i defend this so a few weeks ago my stepmother marsha was on a walk with a friend of hers when this adorable little yellow lab puppy came running into the street her whole body wiggling tail a flappin to say hello my dad and marsha live out in the boonies so by street i mean a semi paved area where cars although very rarely can go to get from place to place also to note marsha is not an animal lover she is a fanatic she has three horses 4 cats several fish a few birds and a little dog she also has an unheard of relationships with the local deer skunks you heard me snakes birds and other wildlife in the area and by relationships i mean she knows and cares for them as individuals and they know her as a safe place in a way that is totally appropriate in that they are still totally wild but that just doesn t happen with wild animals and humans so this little wiggly puppy comes running into the dirt road and marsha and she go into that crazy frenzy where the dog is rolling all over the ground while marsha is squeaking all of these sounds about how she is da cewtest widdle puppy baby ever ever ever when all of a sudden the neighbor lovingly known as that crazy motherfucker comes to the edge of his property still behind a fence and says sorry ladies that little shit spends her whole day trying to get out of here can you grab her for me marsha grabs the little yellow lab and hands her over the fence while commenting on how adorable she is when that crazy motherfucker got his dog back he said it s all looks so far and as marsha and her friend start to walk away marsha turns back to see that crazy motherfucker on the ground tackling the baby dog to the ground choking her neck with his hands to where the puppy is coughing only to then stick a running water hose down her throat and as the puppy is gasping and gagging he is chanting you don t dig holes you don t leave the yard here s the obvious piece my stepmother freaks out she is so freaked out that she can t speak she runs home leaving her friend on the road to find her own way and shuts herself into her bedroom and sobs uncontrollably for hours later that night she calls the police she tells them that the puppy is being seriously abused and that she will file this complaint as a witness the police pretend to listen say they ll come by and eventually it is obvious that they are going to do nothing days go by and my stepmother is a wreck my dad tells me that what she saw has turned into the only thing she can think about dad tells her it bothers him too but he doesn t know what they can do but to continue calling the police when they see incidents so here s the awesome part the reason i m writing this story dad is out of town on business for a few days marsha has told a few close friends in the area what happened and to let her know if they see or hear anything about this poor little puppy so that she can file more complaints one night last week tuesday one of her neighbors calls marsha the puppy is out in the yard alone marsha told this friend the 60 year old pot smoking hippy to meet her at the south side of their property they have several acres in 10 minutes marsha has a plan a plan that she had built and rebuilt in her head more than 20 times in the last few days she already knew what she was going to do so when the adrenaline took over it didn t matter she was ready to go to start she grabbed a gun like i mentioned they live out in the middle of nowhere and my dad travels plus my stepmother is a badass cowgirl she triple checked that the safety was on and tucked it into the back of her pants she grabbed a leash checked one more time that the safety was on and she left the house at 11 30 at night she met her neighbor right where they had planned marsha figured this was a quick bedtime pee break for the puppy and knew she needed to act fast she knew the dog s name because the crazy motherfucker had called the dog danny a few times as he shoved the water hose down her little puppy throat that day with her right hand resting on the gun in the back of her jeans she whispered danny danny come and she and her neighbor friend waited nothing they couldn t see anything either it was a particularly dark night danny she exclaimed sounding a bit more serious and with some panic danny come here they waited minutes went by her friend looked to her with a face that read this is over when all of a sudden a little blond baby dog came bounding towards them in a pitch black night with that run that new puppies have where all of their legs are there and working but definitely not yet in sync she ran so hard and so fast in the dark that danny slammed her head into the fence right in front of marsha marsha in a single bound hopped the fence grabbed danny and handed her to her neighbor she hopped back over the fence took danny back and said at this point we re in trouble you should just go home thank you so much for the phone call the next morning around 7 a m my dad got back from his trip he travels a lot so his return is standard his little dog greets him marsha gives him a hug and a kiss and makes him a latte or dinner or whatever the cats rub up against his leg and then he and marsha go and tend to the horses or watch a movie or whatever this particular morning he came home walked inside his house put his suitcase down only to find the most adorable little yellow puppy bulldozing towards him who then jumped up on her hind legs putting her paws on his thighs and started licking the air profusely until he finally picked her up so that she could attack his face with her tongue he was amused and he admitted this to me when he told me this story but he was also very concerned and very mad here s what happened next dad marrrrrshaaaaa this was far from the first time he came home to a new animal in the house marsha oh you re home a bit early hey baby want a latte dad don t do that what the hell is the crazy neighbor s dog doing in our house they talked it through marsha told him what had happened and after he calmed down he very begrudedly agreed to participate in what i call saving a dog s life but what could also be legally recognized as grand theft puppy so the little puppy lived with them for a few days before they could figure out what to do she was quite thin for her size so marsha spent most of her time feeding her and rubbing her and kissing her widdle face all over if they could they both agreed they would adopt danny but with the crazy motherfucker less than a quarter of a mile away this was not an option so marsha did her research and found an adoption agency that specifically deals with abused animals needing to relocate she explained the situation minus the fact that she was packing heat at the time of the kidnapping and they agreed to take the puppy and find her a home two days later marsha brought danny to this agency where they then took her to her new home danny s new home is big with a lot of land to run free which clearly she needs there are three young kids and two parents so far danny has not attempted any great escapes making people feel even more confident that this is a good fit for danny marsha said she ll keep up with them every now and then making sure danny is ok and the family invited this idea my advice to the family best of luck with your new little wiggly baby dog but also check yourself before you wreck yourself if you don t do right by little danny don t get all surprised when a pretty good looking shy by day but don t fuck with animal rights by night fanatic ends up in your backyard with a gun and an older stoned hippy lady sidekick all sorts of ready to do right at any cost seriously it s happened before little baby fish heart repair june 27 2011 in fraidy phat the fish by jesse james 7 comments about a week ago violet and i bought a bunch of fish we wanted ten or maybe even twenty but then the fish sales guy did this crazy up sell and talked us into t...