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Text of the page (random words):
nce query conquered dear agent i am currently seeking representation for my novel conquered conquered is a 78 000 word romance set within a fictional civilization that mirrors the ancient times of rome and persia amarah is haunted by loss as her village was destroyed by the tyrant king xavier just as she forces away images of war xavier emerges once again the king becomes captivated by her innocent beauty and steals her away during the voyage to xavier s land of etheridge amarah develops feelings for kaiden kaiden is a lower rank etheridgian soldier who becomes challenged by his love for amarah and his duty to his king when amarah arrives to the palace she is thrown into xavier s world of women where ultimately she must yield to him through her submission amarah learns she is more than a concubine to the king she is not flattered by his adoration and when kaiden returns to her life amarah will do anything to be with him she will risk her life and even con the king with seduction and promises of devotion as amarah s plot unravels she finds xavier is not as blinded by his affections for her as she assumed amarah must decide what is important the love she possesses for kaiden or her safety as her plans of deceit is uncovered i studied with the institute of children s literature and i am a member of several online critique groups i am the author of the recently published science fiction romance beyond gavia thank you for your time and attention sincerely crystal parney posted by rick daley at 6 50 am labels romance 12 comments anonymous author said hi crystal the main issue i see with this query is you re using vague language that gets in the way preventing us from feeling the immediacy of your story consider amarah is haunted by loss as her village was destroyed by the tyrant king xavier just as she forces away images of war xavier emerges once again the king becomes captivated by her innocent beauty and steals her away if you changed it to amarah s village was destroyed by the tyrant king xavier xavier returns and kidnaps her obviously that sounds a little choppy but my point is it gets things moving a lot faster watch out for vagueness cliche phrases and over formal diction a ten cent word nearly always has more emotional impact than a twelve dollar one keep the query focused on amarah don t tell us how anyone else feels or what anyone else is experiencing a query s only got room for one point of view leave out the institute of children s literature since it s not related in fact leave off that whole paragraph i googled your book beyond gavia as an agent will if they re interested if you want to mention the book give the publisher followed by the year in parentheses example harry potter and the sorceror s stone scholastic 1998 november 12 2012 at 10 18 am anonymous author said hi rick looks like it ate my comment november 12 2012 at 10 26 am rick daley said anon thanks for the heads up you re clear now november 12 2012 at 7 05 pm crystal said hi anon thank you for your feedback i know i have some issues with this query and i ve been having a hard time pin pointing them i agree i think i am too vague at times i m curious about your comment about the last paragraph isn t the last paragraph suppose to be an author bio november 13 2012 at 12 02 am alaskaravenclaw said thanks rick crystal only if the particular agent specifically asks for a bio in her submission guidelines otherwise the only things you should provide there are previous publications or prestigious awards that seem likely to help your cause the icl thing could hurt your cause because it makes it seem like romance writing isn t your main schtick the writing groups don t matter from the agent s pov the previous publication up to you to decide that did it get into bookstores how well did it sell etc i m not asking just raising these points for you to consider november 13 2012 at 9 16 am crystal parney said hi alaska thanks so much i never considered icl could hurt because i am trying to sell a romance i d rather leave out the bio because i never know what to write november 13 2012 at 11 01 am gj said comment part 1 if it s a romance the query should be all romance all the time everything else should be sprinkled in this version of the query is the other way around all everything else with the romance sprinkled in i don t even have a clue who the hero is his personality how she met him what they did together that caused her to fall in love with him what s so great about him what he thinks is so great about her and please don t tell me it s her innocent beauty we ve gotten past that at least in our heroes while it s the villains who only see the outer person or what she might do to reunite with him those are all critical elements for a romance the first few sentences are backstory and can be cut start where she meets the hero she s been kidnapped by a marauding king who killed everyone else she loved and is on her way to his harem when what do not have her develop feelings for anyone what exactly happens he s a soldier so how the heck did they even meet is he on the ship with her guarding her capturing her after she eluded her guards riding a horse past the golden cage she s being transported in how did they even come to talk to each other do they even speak the same language he works for a conqueror right but a conqueror who speaks the same language what is it that convinces her he s a good guy when she ought to view him as a tool of her kidnapper and soon to be rapist where s the romance i agree with the suggestion to stay out of the hero s pov in the query but if you insist make it more specific than challenged by his love and his duty what on earth does that mean he thinks she s his soul mate but he s sworn fealty to his king so he s prepared to deliver her to the king to rape her how challenged is he does it flit across his mind that maybe his king isn t the god he thinks he is or does he consider treason does he even try to help her escape or does he just sit there and daydream about some alternate universe where the king would hand her over to him before or after he s raped her and then she gets raped by the king that might have worked in old school romance but i m not sure current readers of romance will accept that i haven t read much historical romance lately but you might want to check that out in the market how many of them involve the heroine getting raped versus the risk of getting raped with the heroine escaping first and i have absolutely no idea what you mean by through her submission she learns she is more than a concubine to the king um so what is she his daughter his mascot his lucky charm what be specific don t tell me she ll do anything to be with kaiden show me what she s actually doing is she willing to kill the king is she willing to fake her death at the risk of actually dying is she willing to kill the other women in the harem is she willing to blow up the harem what does she actually do what plot is unraveling last thing you described her doing was accepting her rape and really you re going to have to do some explaining about how she s forgiven him for handing her over to her rapist november 13 2012 at 7 49 pm gj said comment part 2 and where is kaiden in all of this she s wandering around the harem plotting something in between being raped and kaiden presumably isn t in the harem how is he helping her is he encouraging her to risk her life is he willing to run away with her is he trying to kill the king if it s a romance they should be in this together or at least within speaking distance of each other not on opposite sides of a twenty foot wall no matter what you need to be more specific about what s going on but also consider whether this is really romance or perhaps simply historical fiction with a love story subplot reader expectations are different in each genre as presented this story seems to be all about the heroine with the hero as a subplot which makes it not romance for romance the relationship should be the main focus november 13 2012 at 7 50 pm crystal said hi gj thanks so much for your feedback i ve had issues with the genre wondering exactly which it should fall into i ve been calling it romance but i know the romance is more of a subplot the story does not revolve around amarah and kaiden s love for each other it s more about amarah s struggle to conquer xavier and get what she wants i have such a difficult time with queries as do many writers i think but you have pointed out so much to me i should have asked these questions but being so close to the story as the writer it s difficult to see exactly what needs to be asked i hope that makes sense november 14 2012 at 11 49 am gj said if the romance is a subplot then i d strongly recommend not describing it as a romance otehrwise the label will confuse agents or else suggest to them that you don t understand the market neither of which is helpful for you i d suggest sticking to historical fiction or maybe women s fiction in a historical setting i m not sure if there is such a genre though november 14 2012 at 3 44 pm crystal said hi gj i will no longer label conquered as a romance i am thinking women s fiction would be the way to go i think i started out wanting it to be a romance but it turned into something different as i wrote it now i need to reevaluate my query of course and maybe even the novel i have finished it but there are some issues with it november 14 2012 at 7 05 pm anonymous said inline fuel pump nearby bang xxl nearby best bang disposable online best place to buy procharger race valves online best bang disposable online august 3 2025 at 8 53 pm post a comment newer post older post home subscribe to post comments atom submit queries here submit queries here query and writing resources agentquery com genre descriptions agentquery com how to write a query colleen lindsay word counts and novel length critiquing critiques editorial 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