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Text of the page (random words):
ed he can either fix the destruction or stop the destruction from continuing so who s the antagonist here is it the stm machine or the person who s operating it comps go here you should include 2 3 books that your intended readers will have read and liked comps need to be recent pubbed no earlier than 2019 on your shelf in this case sf and pubbed by a trade house large or small but not self pubbed bio goes here it s useful to include a couple lines about you it warms up the query if you don t have any pub credits don t worry your bio is about you not your work where you live dogs cats dragons and other pets that kind of thing eschaton an 87 000 word science fiction thriller explores the consequences of technological advancements gone wrong it would be my debut novel one of the main requirements of a thriller is a ticking clock that s not evident in your query if it s not in the book this isn t a thriller that s ok just don t call it one if it isn t and i would be grateful for the opportunity to bring this work to publication with you you are not a supplicant even if it feels that way sometimes you are providing an agent with the opportunity to sell your work and make some money be grateful when she does that right now just thank her for her time and consideration as you do next thank you for your time and consideration it sounds like your story is a machine goes haywire chaos ensues that s the concept for a gazillion movies most of them based on books in other words something that we ve all seen a lot of agents are looking for fresh and new that does not mean you can t have a machine going haywire and chaos ensues what it means is that you need your fresh take on this you need distinctive characters that we re engaged with and care about you want to tell us a story in a way that makes us see things in a new light you have to elevate the category not just add to it in other words you gotta tell me what makes your book better and different and that s not by saying my book is better and different you have to show it in the story you re enticing me to read so your revision is twofold get the story on the page and frame it in such a way that it feels fresh and new this is not an easy task it s not a matter of changing up a few words here and there good revising requires deep thinking posted by janet reid at 12 00 pm no comments sunday november 13 2022 344 revised 8 1 23 revision 1 dear query shark i am writing to you seeking representation for my 122 000 word adult fantasy novel the crossover this is better than the 137k you had the first time but paring down to under 120k is a good idea the last thing you want is an agent seeing the word count and swiping left without reading another word when elenore and benaiah don t cap character names inadvertently stumble across a portal to another world elenore just wants to gather evidence of their strange discovery to prove it to her university colleagues none of this matters not really the story starts when they arrive in swordlandia let s refocus to make that clear driven by her curiosity she eleanora and ben find a portal and of course they want to see where it leads she leads ben her horse and her dog through the portal not to pick nits but did you notice the dog is never mentioned again having your dog with you in a strange land would be comforting no and does the dog get superpowers too they pop popping out in an entirely different universe this is a big moment in the query making it a separate short sentence gives it power and drama you want to stay in elenore s point of view here so let s revise this two sword bearing forces arrive with one obvious goal they re met by two separate sword bearing forces let s add s eparate here so the reader doesn t think these are two platoons of the same company capture the strangers from another world we don t really need to know what the sbfs want they re not the important antagonist elenore is captured by the king s brigade and ben is captured by the resistance movement against the king let your reader do some of the work here if you say resistance movement the reader will fill in that they re resisting the king from their captors inform them that they learn that when they entered the portal they passed through the pathways and coming through the portal developed gave them abilities that allow them to wield energy from the space between worlds out of desperation to desperate to reunite and return home elenore and ben accept separate yet similar deals so you learn you have superpowers what s the first thing you want to do give them up and go home really cause if you told me i had superpowers i d want to know what they were and how i could use them to do fun stuff like fly sharknado or eat ice cream without sacrificing my svelte sharkly silhouette or get the world to quit using the phrase safety deposit box it s safe deposit box and yes this is a hill i will die on but here you have her using her abilities still unspecified to do something that she doesn t have a stake in why would she do it when we re puzzled by why a character acts in what seems to be an illogical or unrealistic way we re not engaged you want your readers to engage to care what happens to elenore and the dog elenore agrees to use her new abilities to help the king recapture the same city where ben is held and ben agrees to use his powers to aid in the movement resistance and to dethrone the king who captured elenore these two characters don t seem to have much depth or personality it s essential that your characters be interesting and right now they seem lacking in imagination or sense of adventure as part of the deal elenore gains a vast understanding of the nature of time reality and mortality from the space between worlds well that s nice but what can she do despite that knowledge she doesn t realize the danger they are in of course not what s the fun of that victoria elenore s mentor wait what who the heck is victoria and where is she as in which side of the portal introducing a main character this late in the game is confusing has no idea that she is fated to inadvertently catalyze the end of the universe causing it to be wiped from existence layer by layer ho hum if a character is fated for something they don t have any choice in the matter the essence of a good story is what choices the characters face and what path they choose ben s captor the leader of the resistance movement against the king might be the only one with information on how to prevent the destruction of the universe and has no intentions of sharing it unaware of their larger role elenore and ben are sure their hardships will come to an end if they can manage to avoid manipulation and survive long enough to see the deal through but it is only a matter of time before victoria finds a way to seize power from the king setting the unraveling of the universe into motion ok who s the antagonist here you ve got as you did in the first version too much going on you don t need as much world building as you think you need to focus on elenore she seems to be the main character what does she want make sure what she wants makes sense to us the reader you re in an alien world with superpowers what would you want to do then give us a sense of the dilemma she faces there must be some sort of conflict or there s no plot you do need more three dimensional characters and we must have a better sense of choices and stakes the style tone and characters of the crossover will appeal to readers of are most comparable to a k larkwood s the unspoken name meets and matt haig s the midnight library here s the description of the unspoken name what if you knew how and when you will die csorwe does she will climb the mountain enter the shrine of the unspoken and gain the most honored title sacrifice but on the day of her foretold death a powerful mage offers her a new fate leave with him and live turn away from her destiny and her god to become a thief a spy an assassin the wizard s loyal sword topple an empire and help him reclaim his seat of power but csorwe will soon learn gods remember and if you live long enough all debts come due notice there is almost no world building there s one sentence of set up the choices the main character faces are clear as are the stakes all in fewer than 100 words this is your goal you have 380 in the query it is intended to be the first installment of a series that i hope will span 3 5 books it can stand alone but i envision it as the start of a series new paragraph for personalization insert personalization here i am querying you because you like kale and i like rabbits or whatever thank you for your consideration focus pare down the events and increase character development there are a million portal stories in my inbox show me don t tell me how yours is better faster more enticing i d start with the dog that s interesting dogs dogs initial query question concern i have been submitting queries to agents since may of 2022 and have only received kind rejections so far i have decided to blame this on my query letter for now and so i come to you with my struggle after reading the archives i have a complex first installment of a fantasy series in progress and it seems impossible to include the necessary information in a concise manner i have left many important characters unmentioned and i have failed to include the aspect of my plot that involves the protagonist s impending trek through the infinite layers of an infinite universe in a war of fate and freewill in addition to that i feel that some of the appealing aspects of my book like the presence of ghosts and alternate timelines alternating chapter perspectives intricate arcs and relatable societal problems can t be included without getting to a 1200 word query letter dear query shark i am writing to seek representation for the crossover which is a 137 000 word new adult fantasy fiction novel for starters your word count is high 137k is an auto pass for many agents your category new adult is one that you might see referenced on goodreads etc but isn t all that useful for queries new adult started as a way to categorize books for readers above the ya age range that tops out at 18 all too quickly it morphed into porn light think 50 shades of grey now it s trying to make a comeback but in a query you want to use the most solid description you can your book is fantasy you don t need to say fiction cause fantasy is not non fiction current events not withstanding and fiction novel is an instant pass for a lot of us so the crossover 137 000 words is fantasy except when you start with this it just gives agents permission to pass without reading another word that s why i suggest you put this at the close of the query no matter what personalize for agent here personalization goes below as well so many writers botch this up that it s just safer not to lead with it comps go at the end too and you can not use stephen king as a comp he is in a category by himself people read his books just cause he wrote them you don t have that advantage yet the crossover is most comparable to stephen king s newest novel fairy tale mixed with leigh bardugo s shadow and bone shadow and bone was first pubbed in 2013 it s too old to be an effective comp elenore 23 a curiosity driven student of science this is not a police blotter or a newspaper article don t put the ages in parenthesis and benaiah ben 22 her grumbly companion with a heart of gold heart of gold is a cliche agents are looking for things that are fresh and new inadvertently stumble across a portal to another world on their rental property in indiana elenore s desire to prove their discovery compels them to enter the undulating void despite a vague menacing message found graffitied on their wall promising death to ben should they go what what does prove their discovery mean also try this without all the modifiers elenore s desire to prove their discovery compels them to enter the undulating void despite a vague menacing message found graffitied on their wall promising death to ben should they go a lot easier to understand without all the descriptors over modifying is a common flaw in early work watch for it and pluck out everything you don t need and you don t need anywhere near as much filigree as you think after entering the portal and becoming separated by the sword bearing forces in the kingdom of corva elenore and ben are informed that when they entered the portal they passed through the pathways and developed abilities this sentence is 35 words long that means you ve got too much information for your reader to readily absorb short form work like a query usually means you want short sentences other people have some abilities but allegedly none can wield the pathways like those that walk through time the construction of this sentence seems to convey that pathways walk through time my guess is that s not what you mean an easy fix is just to change out that for who other people have some abilities but allegedly none can wield the pathways like those who walk through time according to the warring rulers elenore and ben are potentially the most powerful in the kingdom out of desperation elenore and ben accept similar deals by agreeing to help in the conflict that envelopes the kingdom in exchange for help returning home at this point i m utterly befuddled unbeknownst to elenore victoria her mentor and advisor to the misguided king gael has a vicious ambition to seize power despite the knowledge elenore gains on her journey she doesn t realize the danger they are in opal the scheming untrustworthy leader of the resistance movement that captured ben is the only one who understands the extent of the danger they are in and she intends to use the knowledge to bargain for her life when elenore and the king invade the city she holds meanwhile victoria has no idea her antagonistic actions will eventually lead to the collapse of the infinite layers in their cyclical universe even worse elenore ben a dog and several other friends are the only ones that stand a chance of altering fate enough to prevent it they must decide between risking their lives for a foreign universe or living with the guilt of doing nothing to prevent its demise there s so much information here it s impossible to follow in a query you don t need anywhere near this much detail what you need is what does the main character want what s blocking them from getting it what choices do they face what s at stake with those choices that s all you need i have been writing for as long as i can remember this may be true it s not useful to say so in a query the ideas that shaped this novel often surfaced in the night causing me to leap out of bed and take notes on a post it stuck to a book next to my bed also not useful in the query now as a 25 year old high school english teacher with a bachelor of arts in english education i finally had the tools to sit dow...