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query slushpile query the butterfly key revision 4 skip to main skip to sidebar feb 5 2010 query the butterfly key revision 4 click here to read the original query click here to read the first revision click here to read the second revision click here to read the third revision dear agent shortly after christian bryson promises to fulfill his wife s dream of starting a family he learns his army reserve unit is deploying for war later when he sustains a wound in battle that renders him incapable of fathering children he wrestles with the thought of letting abigail his wife know blaming his calamity on the so called providence of god and haunted by a promise he can no longer keep christian wishes death would have stolen him instead he must now confront his fears and face his wife dreading the idea of breaking his promise to her christian decides against telling abigail about his injury for fear of turning her dreams of motherhood into a nightmare while abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home christian resolves he can no longer be the husband that she deserves god believes otherwise however and intervenes by sending forth two special travelers one alive the other not to help christian allay the anguish buried deep within his soul with the guidance and love of god s sojourners christian realizes he needs to return home and apologize to abigail upon his homecoming he is ecstatic to find not only his wife but also his unknown progeny awaiting him thus christian relearns a valuable lesson god always has a plan in everything he does the butterfly key is a 72 000 word work of christian fiction a completed manuscript is available upon your request i look forward to working with you regards a d n posted by rick daley at 1 58 pm labels christian fiction 10 comments shelley sly said though this is my first time commenting on your query i ve been following it from the beginning in my opinion this is your strongest yet however there are some clunky spots in the first paragraph that made me go back and read again later when he sustains a wound in battle that renders him incapable of fathering children he wrestles with the thought of letting abigail his wife know i think putting a comma after children would help this sentence to read more easily also i m not really a fan of how the sentence ends instead of letting abigail his wife know i d suggest letting his wife abigail know another suggestion i have is for you to read this query aloud if you haven t already you ll probably notice that each sentence has the same rhythm every sentence in this query starts with a clause followed by a comma the query might be more interesting stylistically if you had a variety of sentence structures even fragments see what i did there on another note i think the plot sounds fascinating don t let grammar and structure take away from your story february 5 2010 at 2 55 pm andrew d neudecker said this comment has been removed by the author february 5 2010 at 7 06 pm emily j said i agree with shelley that too many sentences begin with a clause it gives the query an indirect long winded feel also i would suggest not ending the query with i look forward to working with you it sounds pushy i would end it simply with thank you for your time and consideration per query shark february 5 2010 at 7 18 pm andrew d neudecker said thank you shelly and emily i hope this one is more to your approval dear agent shortly after christian bryson promises to fulfill his wife s dream of starting a family he learns his army reserve unit will deploy for war while serving his country christian sustains a wound in battle that renders him incapable of fathering children devastated he agonizes over telling his wife about his impairment for fear of ruining her dreams of motherhood blaming his calamity on the so called providence of god and haunted by a promise that he can no longer keep christian wishes death would have taken him he dreads the idea of breaking his promise to his wife so he decides against informing her about his injury when abigail his wife tearfully pleads for him to come home christian refuses resolving to himself that he can no longer be the husband she deserves god believes otherwise however and intervenes he sends forth two special travelers one alive the other not to help christian allay the anguish within his soul with the guidance and love of god s sojourners christian realizes he needs to go home and apologize to abigail when christian returns to abigail he s overcome with joy for god has a plan in everything he does when he graces christian with an unexpected surprise the butterfly key is a 72 000 word work of christian fiction thank you for your time and consideration regards a d n february 6 2010 at 8 03 am sara p said my two cents i think you re overdoing it regarding how much the fact that can t father children anymore is breaking his heart without us ever getting a feeling of why this is so if you were to say something like dreading to break his promise to his wife like his father had done to him so many times in his past or whatever the reason is then i could understand why this is so hard for him right now i just get the feeling he is a coward if his wife really loves him she will understand and they can always adopt also the revised version in the comments has one stronger point you re not giving away the ending like it seems in the posted version keep it up february 6 2010 at 11 35 am rc writer girl said i think this is better than the previous queries the one you posted in the comments it focuses i assume on the story within the story which is good i agree with those who mention you should vary the sentence structure starting everything with a dependent clause makes everything seem passive you want active declare stuff not with dependence but outright lastly the query should be condensed a little bit it s wordy and repetitive i feel like you re repeating yourself he feels bad he can t procreate then he feels bad he can t procreate then he feels bad he can t procreate saying it once is enough try to cut some of the repetition out and focus on action not necessarily thought example christian bryson gets deployed for war before he can fulfill his wife s dream of starting a family while serving christian sustains an injury that renders him incapable of fathering children here i d try to condense incapable of fathering children into a single word the male equivalent to barren if such a term exists devastated he agonizes over telling his wife and ruining her dreams of motherhood haunted by a promise he can no longer keep christian acts wrecklessly on his assignments hoping death will take him when it doesn t he decides not to tell his wife about his injury abigail his wife pleads for him to come home but christian refuses believing he can t be the husband she deserves god believes otherwise and intervenes he sends two special travelers one alive one not to help christian allay the anguish within his soul with the guidance and love of god s sojourners christian he goes home to apologize to abigail when christian returns to abigail he s overcome with joy for god has a plan in everything he does when he graces christian with an unexpected surprise the butterfly key is a 72 000 word work of christian fiction lastly i ll say i totally disagree with sara i think it s perfectly obvious why christian is so upset about not being able to father a child if the agent needs more explanation than what you ve included they re not the right agent for this project february 7 2010 at 3 18 pm rc writer girl said infertile that s the word i m thinking of say an injury has left him infertile february 7 2010 at 3 26 pm andrew d neudecker said thanks sara and rc here is the latest version with adjustments dear agent shortly after christian bryson promises to fulfill his wife s dream of starting a family he learns his army reserve unit will deploy for war while serving christian sustains a wound in battle an impairment which renders him incapable of fathering children devastated he agonizes over telling abigail his wife about his infertility for fear of ruining her dreams of motherhood christian blames his calamity on the so called providence of god and wishes death would have taken him haunted by a promise he can no longer keep christian decides against informing her about his injury but what christian doesn t understand is abigail will accept him no matter what albatross he s forced to bear when abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home christian refuses resolving to himself that he can no longer be the husband she deserves god however believes otherwise and intervenes by sending forth two special travelers one alive the other not to help christian allay the anguish within his soul with the guidance and love of god s sojourners christian realizes he needs to go home and apologize to abigail and when christian returns home to his wife he s overcome with joy for god has a plan in everything he does when he graces christian with an unexpected surprise the butterfly key is a 72 000 word work of christian fiction thank you for your time and consideration regards a d n february 7 2010 at 8 41 pm sara p said i like that one much better why don t you post again for all to see and comment four teeny tiny things that i would change fwiw skip the but at the last line of the second paragraph find an alternative to the albatross skip the and at the beginning of the last paragraph and swap the semi colon right after that for a comma one last thing how happy are you with it good luck february 8 2010 at 9 35 am christi goddard said hi tycoon your query is getting so much better february 8 2010 at 11 10 am post a comment newer post older post home subscribe to post comments atom submit queries here submit queries here query and writing resources agentquery com genre descriptions agentquery com how to write a query colleen lindsay word counts and 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