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Text of the page (random words):
be a prostitute seems a solid case for divine intervention in a world fifi deems just shy of apocalypse unsure of her continued interest in the business of existence she uses blue and sometimes black humor to systematically reason her way towards the meaning of life an excerpt of this novel was published in the spring 2009 edition of the newport review literary magazine a separate excerpt was published in the 2006 edition of loyola university chicago s annual literary journal cadence i very much appreciate your time and consideration in reading this letter i have pasted the first chapter below and would be delighted to send you the rest i can be reached by phone at xxx xxx xxxx by e mail at bre jamstage net or by postal mail at 123 main st best regards bre kidman posted by rick daley at 7 25 am labels slipstream fiction 6 comments stephanie lorée said so this is better more concise and the plot progression is apparent the hook is good too the problem i have is with some of your punctuation and prepositional phrases my concern is these small errors may point to larger problems throughout the manuscript you don t want an agent thinking this so you need to eliminate the little things i ll go point by point on them 1 cut down on words by eliminating unnecessary prepositions college graduation as opposed to graduation from college also bother existing as opposed to bother with existing and again in adventure pretending rather than adventure in pretending 2 watch out for punctuation of interrupt phrases for example your 1st line 3rd paragraph should read fifi is twenty two notice the lack of comma after fifi when you use 2 commas you re setting that off like you would parenthesis saying that it s extra explanation but not part of the core sentence the litmus test is to drop what you set off with commas and see if it still reads right example fifi working an underachiever s does not make sense see what i mean 3 verb choice should be present tense wherever possible in queries you want to try to not use past tense perfect tenses gerunds or passive to be verbs for example i suggest eliminating the gerunds from your 3rd para 1st sent fifi is twenty two works an underachiever s dream job and struggles to reconcile alternatively twenty two year old fifi works an underachiever s dream job and struggles 4 whom versus who who is for subjects whom is for objects i m fairly certain that you should say whom she met as she is your subject and whom the boyfriend is the object honestly i recommend dropping it entirely to avoid the who whom issue and saying that she met 5 parenthesis overload consider dropping some of the parenthesis her maybe imaginary vampire lover doesn t need parenthesis a couple s is fine too much and it s overload to read you would benefit from going over sentences individually spend a few minutes on each focusing on the importance of each word especially prepositional phrases and see if can be removed also make sure you re using the strongest noun verb combinations possible the content is there so is the voice with the unique turns of phrase i think once you hammer down the grammar you ll have a winner and after eliminating some unnecessary words you can add more about the character and conflict this sounds like an interesting piece of slipstream best of luck scribbler to scribe october 19 2010 at 8 47 am natascha said your first paragraph i would suggest to be your last looking something like this the odd i see is a completed work of slipstream fiction at 71 000 words and can be compared to such authors as an excerpt of which was published in the spring edition of the cut down on words the plotline is much clearer in this revision good job october 19 2010 at 10 18 am hollie sessoms said i agree with the other two comments with regards to punctuation and the placement of the first paragraph i love your voice in this and i have to say that half assed is my favorite cussword ever good luck october 19 2010 at 1 14 pm yout said paragraph 1 you read these things that had to do with the agent and what liked them didn t like them have no opinion also this information should come at the end of the query after you ve established interest in your plotline paragraph 2 this sentence is long and a bit awkward cut it up and what s a half assed stay in the looney bin paragraph 3 ah here s the conflict this should come in paragraph 1 make sure the first sentence is a good hooker unlike fifi turned out to be ha ha ha it shouldn t be focused on fifi s stats age job etc but rather something really interesting like how she thinks the apocalypse is near or the thing about her imaginary vampire lover paragraph 4 great you re previously published looks good just list your contact info after your name and you re all set to go overall i don t think the query gives a good enough sense of the conflict in the novel but any reader would be able to see that there s a plot in there and definitely a unique one if you made it a bit clearer it would be a really strong query good luck october 19 2010 at 5 56 pm unknown said you guys are awesome mesmerix you re a godsend you ve given me more constructive feedback in two or three posts than any of my family or friends it s much appreciated the comma splice was a typo which is what i get for trying to work on my query after an overnight shift i definitely see what you re saying about the gerunds and the parenthesis overload the preposition thing is kind of a slip into fifi s occasionally grandiose speech patterns which are generally funny in the book looking at it now though i suppose they re awkward in most other places i ve been trying to rework those sentences to the point where i m a little frenzied it s good to hear that i ve gotten closer though and i really really appreciate the very targeted feedback it definitely gives me a better idea of where to look heading into draft 3 the las vegas writer thanks so much for the feedback i guess it would make more sense to move that to the end i ve been kind of e stalking this agent and stole this format from a successful query she posted but reading it over it is a little dry for an opener hollie sessoms it s great to have another voice chiming in and letting me know where to head next and the little ego stroke about my voice was so needed after today thank you maria kenney like i said to las vegas this was a format i stole from the agent i m shooting for after re reading i m definitely going to do some paragraph moving in terms of what i felt about what i read though it s tricky to explain it concisely i want to say that the articles and book indicated that i m writing the sort of fiction she s looking for but i don t know how to do that without sounding cocky or pushy or something the second paragraph is kicking my ass it is for all intents and purposes supposed to be my hook because the main conflict is whether or not fifi wants to continue existing a half assed stay in the loony bin is what happens when a person doesn t necessarily believe she s crazy but winds up institutionalized for a few days anyhow i know stephen king says to kill your darlings but i so love this turn of phrase is it unclear to the point where the concept is lost maybe all the paragraphs are kicking my ass actually in the third one i tried to start by reiterating the conflict which i think is fifi vs life but the sentence keeps falling flat i ll keep fussing with it though thanks for pointing it out and for giving me a good sense of what to target in revision october 19 2010 at 8 03 pm stephanie lorée said sirenasilver mesmerix you re a godsend you ve given me more constructive feedback in two or three posts than any of my family or friends it s much appreciated my deity level status is on the rise or so my fortune cookie tells me p humor aside i cannot emphasize enough in finding a critique partner who shares a similar writing level to your own or better it is a difficult struggle to find one trust me i know who is responsive helpful and is able to give quality critiques but once you do find your writing mate you ll hear choirs of angels sing and throw confetti totally worth it check out forums like absolutewrite and nathan bransford s forum page the latter actually has a thread where you can solicite for a partner establish relationships with fellow bloggers check out your local writing groups and workshops you may get lucky having a partner that is not friend family who will give you knowledgeable honest critiques is key to success in this biz my opinion obviously hope all my opinions helps you along your way to being published october 20 2010 at 2 15 pm post a comment newer post older post home subscribe to post comments atom submit queries here submit queries here query and writing resources agentquery com genre descriptions agentquery com how to write a query colleen lindsay word counts and novel length critiquing critiques editorial anonymous tips on your bio janet reid 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