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Text of the page (random words):
ed sleep deprived day in day out drained parents of the world get their spark back and it has been nice hearing my friends who are on the property ladder and looking like they are in much healthy financial situations that i am for the moment state the obvious but clare what would you regret more not having tried to have kids exactly i have tried and i am still going to try a bit more one last push to save up and go again i have two embryos waiting me in spain and a friend who can come down to nz i have to do a bunch more tests to make sure that the 3 de cycles weren t taking because of something in me i have to sign back up for the adoption track too and more than anything i need to build my professional life back up so i have livelihood again to sustain me now and hopefully a much bigger us i have spent a week helping a little 3 year old learn to wait i can apply those skills to me as well i think the trick of waiting is the same for him as it is for me to make sure everything is in place and then find some mindful way to pass the time so you aren t killing time but living it and moving forward posted in finding my way 1 comment june 21 2014 by circlesbecomeme perceptions today i felt flat i didn t get much done gave up and watched movies in bed all day later i got brave and went upstairs to join my upstairs neighbours for dinner i was in a funk and trying to round up someone to drag me to town for dancing or a drink or a slice of cake anything really and then the neighbour who was cooking randomly said clare you are just so positive i love that about having you around which was literally so far away from what i was feeling i was feeling incredibly down and negative and lost i was fretting that my mood was bringing other down i was concerned that i was inviting myself over way too much particularly if i was not in high spirits his words meant so much to me i shared my truth that him saying that meant a lot because i have actually been feeling rather down and was worried that i had been infecting others with my mood he responded well then you fake it well that single exchange gave me the courage to just spend the rest of the evening with them i helped their oldest with science fair i read with the younger i played piano for nearly an hour which is grand for me but i suspect the parents also don t mind in the sense of oh good someone is modelling practising piano for our daughters and this person also sometimes says things like drat and oh bother and even occasionally swears and then keeps going or maybe not but i play reasonably well nowadays and the girls more than half the time immediately start playing when i finish and there are much more offensive behaviours than playing the piano as a neighbour house guest it wasn t going out or making new friends but it was my speed and i felt useful and in community then i saw that mel over at stirrup queens had included me in the round up i swelled with even more of that wonderful feeling i call being in community thank you all and thank goodness for words that have the power to reverse my personal doubts posted in finding my way tagged community joy other people s kids 1 comment june 15 2014 by circlesbecomeme home again this week i have been transported from two place i call home and was surrounded by love a better send off couldn t be possible family played scrabble with me until my first flight in the usa friends took time off work to spend an entire layover day at the beach near sfo who knew that the beach was only 15 minutes from the airport in the hours of chatting briefly the topic of egg donors came up she is still very willing i repeated that if we do this i would want to lean on her to be a mentor regarding race it was simple just two people repeating that what we talked about a couple years ago is still on the table this could happen well maybe next year once i recover a bit financially from a life of wishful thinking of living without work in europe so i could do treatments i wouldn t change it it was a great year in many respects i made peace with italy in my own way i made huge strides towards being even more at peace with my inability to conceive friends picked me up in new zealand including a young friend who i gave a stuffed animal too 4 years ago when she was little i asked her to mind it for me until i got back she brought it with her to the airport and gave it to me as i arrived it is in perfect condition i was so deeply touched that she took this charge so seriously and i am glad that little girl who loves to show her love through gifts had a way to clearly communicate the magnitude of her joy that i was back i am a part of family life i am deeply part of this family and many other families lives their children think of me a special aunt and as a friend and as someone they can count on their parents have me down as their emergency contact number i fill in as a babysitter and confidant i am part of the team who knows if i ever get to give it a go myself but today i am feeling blessed that i know i have showered loved on children and it has come back to me 10 fold ps as i wrote this i realized i was put on the plane by a friend who may donate and was met by the woman who had donated to me so many years ago this can t be a very common event and on my next trip i am visiting a dear friend who did successfully donate to another person several years ago the story of women helping women often out of sight and behind the scenes is an old story more and more i am seeing this egg donation business as just a logical chapter in that story of women seeing each others needs and giving what they can i try as much as possible to make sure it is a two way street posted in finding my way tagged de family in other ways love nz 1 comment june 12 2014 by circlesbecomeme new chapter goodbye italy goodbye usa its back to nz i go i finally feel ready who knows what this next chapter holds for me all i know is that in an hour i will be in my window seat with nothing to do and nowhere to be which i am really looking forward posted in finding my way tagged nz second chances 1 comment june 7 2014 by circlesbecomeme love rocks to the rescue this love rock thing in my community is more powerful than i realized if you want to check it out look up love rocks and love drenched life please don t link it back here i still want to keep my blog world separate from my small town real world life mostly because if we ever manage to have a child through donor eggs i want my child to have as much control over who knows his or her story small towns and gossip well you know there is no controlling a story once one person knows but i take the small risk to write about it here though because it is really truly helping me yes it is about honouring my friends girls yes it is about spreading joy but as a side benefit i am finding it really healing its barely been a month since my cycle failed it will be a year before i can try again it has been 6 7 years depending on how i count that i have been walking this journey no one talks to me about it no one asks out right and even when i mention it no one really asks any follow up questions or comments i totally underestimate how hard this sometimes is for me i just know too many people dealing with so much more i am so lucky but dang it still hurts some days and you know what else even though the rawness is gone this experience still weighs me down and i curtail my life in certain ways i just find myself avoiding so many things my voice is getting quieter my engagement with the community is decreasing i am just retreating in ways i am often not aware of i am particularly shy and tentative and a bit embarrassed about doing the love rock thing but this is my truth that i shared recently with my friend who started this project movement near where i grew up it has been a lovely couple days of love rocks for me there have been several tricky social situations for me that normally i would have bailed on but the love rock making hiding and giving has been giving me a meaningful activity that magically keeps me in social places long enough for the dynamics to shift and for me to find my footing again so many special moments have happened this week because i stayed long enough for them to occur in my presence i have done things that normally would be too raw to be fully present in or even to simply show up for this soon after a negative beta i went to a kid friendly parade where kids gleefully skipped rope drew on the streets with chalk and blew bubbles galore i hide a rock in a bike helmet in a bucket of chalk and at the base of a stop sign i went to lunch with my mom at a restaurant where they just loved her they really know her and always bring her a special pot of tea on the house i gave them the rock in person and said thank you for being so kind and wonderful to my mom while ice skating i handed one to a women about 10 years older than me who started skating only 2 years ago she is now doing spins and jumps and is so so graceful i said that i wanted to give her a rock because she makes me smile with joy seeing her skate and getting to see her get better and better i said she could pass it on she said but what if i want to keep it sure i gave one to a friend who attempted suicide not too long ago and told her i love her and we need her and to always call any time i never leave a tip any more without a rock on top a local restaurant has a shrine waterfall by the door and there are now a dozen of lovingly arranged love rocks a man in a wheelchair got stuck on the train for 15 minutes because the door wouldn t open he patiently waited for help and then was gracious when the only solution was to go to the next stop where he could exit on the left instead of the right it was a train full of stressed people only a few stops from the airport as he was getting off i gave him a rock and said it is something people in my community are doing when someone looks like they are having a rough day or moment i have put them on parking meters and handed them to the cashier when paying for parking they are in waiting rooms park benches playground swings and so so many in dressing fitting rooms but mostly they are giving me a reason to show up and live i don t mind going shopping now it is meaningful enough if i leave a rock i don t get so stressed when going out to eat the small talk is bearable if i can sneak off and hide another rock i don t get upset when nothing fits in the dressing room as i look at my belly that somehow always manages to look 3 months pregnant i just leave a rock this slideshow requires javascript and even if the rocks are found and thrown away that is a small price to pay if it is getting me out of the house out of my funk and out of my own little world of worries posted in finding my way leave a comment may 29 2014 by circlesbecomeme a month out a few days ago i met up with a friend who is in the throws of grief she has been blogging about the experience of living after her two elementary school daughters went to heaven when i stopped by she hugged me like i ve never been hugged before we talked like waterfalls of truth crashing into each other technically the transcript was of catching up so you have left italy oh so you are doing a fundraiser oh so how is your puppy how s work mother s day was so hard yes me to for different reasons but every single moment was this intense raw truth our hearts were both open and the intensity of our lives was right there cracking through the surface there was none of the posturing and emptiness of small talk she said something that stuck with me clare a friend just told me that i am grieving publicly and that doing so in the current world is a rare rare thing it is indeed i get privacy and we all grieve in our own way but i think it somehow is a good thing like fresh air to have someone saying to their community this is my truth this is what i am going through this is how you help and how you make it accidentally harder here is where the joy and goodness lies in my unbelievably hard days i am not strong nor amazing i am just finding my way through some incredibly hard days sit with me she is making some people uncomfortable she is meeting with her daughters classes there is some um variety in how well this is being received from totally embraced to tolerated with great reluctance some school staff feels like it crosses into religion in school but i remember when a fellow schoolmate went home sick and died of an aneurysm we were both terrified that it was going to happen to us and rather confused about how to process this sudden person sized hole in our community no one really told us about dealing with loss as a process no one talked about how there are things you can actively do and other things you have to just passively let happen no one taught us how to support the others who felt that gap more deeply like her brothers my friend is having her daughters friends and classmates make love rocks by attaching fabric hearts to rocks and the giving them to people as an act of love and passing on rocks you receive to others oh how i wish when i was a kid that someone would have answered our questions and modelled different ways of grieving and whatever the verb is for supporting people who are grieving my home town is like a community wide easter egg hunt now love rocks are being found in grocery stores on doorsteps in mailboxes on gravestone markers and being handed to each other face to face i asked a dear friend what her son in the icu wanted he wanted rocks to pass out to the nurses he wasn t yet well enough to smile for his parents but the smallest glimmer appeared at the corner of his mouth when he handed over a rock to his nurse but i also had another realization my friend was saying how rare grieving in public currently is but i realize for the past 8 years i have been grieving and witnesses and trying to support people in this little community of people touched by infertility we have grieved together this is our normal many of us are hardly public about it in real life but i feel like through your words i have learned so much about this process how the months blend into years how words can sooth how silently being present makes a difference how we all get through this somehow because of all of your stories i am no longer afraid of the grief it doesn t have the power to terrify me yes it sweeps me under some days it made me apart for some months it probably has made me physically at times and certainly contributed to me dropping a few balls at work and at home i wouldn t wish it on anyone but i am not afraid of it either no doubt this journey has pierced me to the core but i know this thing called grief so much better from having seen it up close and far away from so many angles and through so many view points so thank you i truly believe our little community here has also helped me to be able to stand in the f...
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