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does this mean one is all we get posted on june 30 2014 by nora l pratt under journal entry journey of the month love some say we only get one true love in a lifetime then there are others that say it is open to all so long as we open our hearts and minds i ve been reminded of a lost love these last few weeks which must have prompted my subconscious mind to spark dreams of him which birthed thoughts of what if poisonous if taken in large doses especially to those of us already riddled with regret no i know what you re thinking the dreams were clean just him and me in different life scenarios actually they were dreams of our life present day as if we were together some were with him as he s aged and some were with him as he was back in high school either way they were pleasant as if we were us again two peas in a pod and we were you know two peas in a pod there were many who thought of us as an unusual couple especially for high school students there was so much love it was as if we were one when at a party i could be out back visiting with guests while he was in the house and anyone who didn t know us would know no feel our feelings for one another i had the opportunity to marry him twice and twice i turned him down only after accepting his proposal i don t know why necessarily i think that i wanted to be sure i was able to stand on my own two feet also i came from a family where education was very important my mother was educated her mother was educated and so on i on the other hand dropped out of college and didn t finish until i was thirty eight thirty nine but most importantly no woman in my family married at eighteen nobody i found a job as an underwriter in what is known as a wholesale house in the insurance industry and was doing really well craig and i were dating again and were very happy craig was working as a waiter in a restaurant and we would see each other as often as we could well with him now two counties over we had grown up and i was pregnant yes pregnant i just didn t know what to do so i waited saw a doctor and it was confirmed i paced and worked and did just about anything to get my mind off of it but i knew somehow i had to deal with this and figure out what i we were going to do finally about a couple of weeks or so passed craig had been busy i tried to call and our conversations were short ending with him saying he d have to call me back but i wasn t able to see much of him so i felt it was time to drop in and spring the news he loved me this i knew would he love the idea of a baby well this not so sure but i had to do this sooner or later so after work i made the drive and dropped in craig was living with his mother and she had a special liking to me thank goodness i asked if he was in she said no no he isn t but won t you come in and visit for a bit so we chatted as laughed i did like her a great deal and she told me something that made me feel oh so uncomfortable she said you know you are just glowing you really must be enjoying your life i was bursting to tell her but couldn t after about an hour or so i left for home later that same night i got a call from craig asking that we meet in our park at the usual place young people so dramatic with the meeting places and the counting the stars talking making out so i got in my car and drove over and met him he apologized for not calling me in a while i told him that i understood and that i had something to tell him he had something to tell me as well so being me i let him go first he had to break things off with me it was as if a bullet went off inside me tearing every organ apart my heart felt as if it was tearing in two as he continued i ve been seeing a woman i met at work we were actually in the back of the house when you were by the other day and she gave me an ultimatum to break it off with you or she will break it off with me my eyes were welling up with tears as he continued i will always love you but i have to see where this leads she has been so wonderful to me i could hear his words but nothing was really sinking in i was pregnant over the past several years it was i who was the center of his love and affection i who gave my virtue to him as he gave himself to me and it was beautiful he was always there for me always there to snuggle with to wipe my tears away to laugh with to talk with i imagined that we would eventually get married when i imagined having children they were his children now what how will life look for me now without him in it we talked and cried well into the night i did tell him about my pregnancy and told him that i was going to raise this child on my own i never expected anything from him we both cried buckets of tears i can remember that night like it was last week and he just didn t seem like a man who wanted nothing to do with me but he made up his mind and we said good bye there was nothing more i could do then again maybe i should have fought for him more wouldn t it be great if we could go back in time just to see and then again it s a great thing we can t there are no do overs there s no going back and what s worse we can never know the infamous what would have been i don t quite understand why i m being plagued with dreams now of all times perhaps it s because i m on the dating scene which sucks by the way and i m feeling a bit lonely i had a great marriage with doug truly aside from the drinking he was is a wonderful man but craig was the one i ve never felt that way about anybody before or since so do we get a second chance at love is there more than one soul mate for us out there or are soul mates just a made up term by the self help gurus to sell more books is there love after fifty what about sex does that exist or is it extinct obviously i ve since come to some resolution with craig in fact we are still friends wonderful friends best friends platonic friends and i do think the dreams are my sub consciences way of reminding me what i m missing no not craig a life partner i m not sure i want to get married again maybe but i do know that i m a woman who prefers to have a male partner someone who is kind loves me for me and makes me laugh laughter is a must i m not sure but the question plagues me by being young and stupid why did i throw all that away what i mean is that it was for no other reason that the fact that i didn t marry him for fear of displeasing my mother which leads me to today i found out i have shingles shingles are usually brought on by increased stress my doctor this a m said that this is my body s way of telling me hey take care of me for a change and as i ve written in past posts most of my life has been spent doing what i thought others wanted from me not what i wanted to do with my life understand i m not blaming the world for my shingles or my decisions but i ve made some life altering decisions because of what i feared my mother or sisters would think and i m finally in a place where i want to live my own desires and i am but if there was anything i could teach youngsters of if only that were possible would be that there are no do overs your life is yours when we are young we have this fantasy that life is going to go on forever sort of like that feeling when you go on vacation you know that feeling oh we have a whole seven days wow nothing but time to relax in the sun only to find yourself at the end of vacation looking back thinking where did the time go i can t say i have so much regret as i do questions of what now these dreams have stirred in me some new drives the making of new goals reopening some old projects and looking at them in a different light they ve taken the veil off giving me a clearer vision of what i want they have also reminded me that i was loved very much by not just one man but at least two which brings me back to the question is there still love out there i believe so as long as we are open to the possibilities and the possibilities are endless share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on x opens in new window x print opens in new window print share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on reddit opens in new window reddit like loading 4 comments truth it always makes its curtain call in the end posted on june 28 2014 by nora l pratt under journal entry journey of the month the buddhist say that there are three truths yours theirs and the truth i believe this whole heartedly i ve always had the faith albeit sometimes a bit later in the game that truth will prevail i ve kept to this because my whole life i ve been the victim of accusation false accusation and shunning i could never really understand this as a child now does this mean i was always innocent of course not i was a child i was human and humans make mistakes i would however talk with my mother and though she would do her best to comfort me i mean we all face our judgments but even she could never really make sense of it herself how can you rationalize such actions to a child if you can t make sense of them as an adult everyone spilling out their arm chair indictments then again he who is without sin so much has happened since my last entry many would say that i have been healing yet i think i ve fallen inward too afraid of diving into the world for fear of rejection the fear of people getting to know me our liking each other becoming friend and then their rejection the rejections that i ve faced these past couple of years have been harsh to say the least at one point i thought i found love was told he would never leave me that he loved me hell he even cried at the idea of my leaving or growing ill a story for another time only to flat out leave me with no explanation just poof gone another was a childhood friend who i thought was my best friend i thought of her like a sister we knew everything about each other only there was something off she never came to my wedding she and her family would be in the area and something would always come up that would divert their plans and allow them to avoid our home this was no coincidence i came to find out that she was holding onto a grudge a grudge over something i supposedly said to her in high school high school we are now in our fifties i couldn t believe it i lost a couple of other friends this last year and to be honest i don t really understand i m sure that with the one it was something i said or did but one friend sent me an email accusing me of something i did to which i denied because i would never say such a thing but what hurt what truly hurt was with all of these situation is none of these people took the time to fight for our relationship and talk with me it is no secret that i was going through a great deal of grief am i using this as an excuse no in fact if i could i would personally apologize to each and every person i hurt during this or any time and ask them for forgiveness in fact i did so with my ex boyfriend and to his elation i m sure he certainly put me in my place there is nothing more humbling however i ve made other mistakes with other friends and most have turned the other cheek forgiven me giving it not a second thought no i m afraid i have fallen inward afraid to go out into the world i ve had an interest in the dating scene and have been too afraid to go forward fearing what if they get to know the real me and leave grow to hate me even thoughts of i m not good enough i m better off alone often go through my head i battle these off but i ve had a good deal of time to think perhaps too much what if that monster that was dating my ex is the real me one of the things i ve come to realize is that in time truth comes out i had a situation recently where i thought i d lost all credibility due to this one friend and i was made aware of the fact that her true personality is coming to the surface and it s not a pretty face i don t mean seem as if i m gloating i m not i m writing this as a wake up call that truth always has a way of coming forward and as a reminder to me to keep that faith there are plenty of judges our there but stay true to myself and to also stand by those who have stood by me many people wonder why i write this i write so that i can answer my own questions i write so that i can look inward and heal we can t begin to heal until we can see our own involvement in our life s mistakes and in our relationships none of us are perfect in what we do would i take back all the crazy stuff i said and did to both my friend and my ex boyfriend certainly the problem is we don t always have that second chance or third chance another reason being sometimes a grudge is much harder to break through than the toughest of rock walls my point is this whether you are the trespasser or the trespassed you both have a choice in how you deal with that wrong and it is called forgiveness forgiveness of the trespasser and forgiveness of self for trespassing i m probably never going to be able to make things right with these people for many reasons the most important being that they aren t in a place of hearing what i have to say but i can forgive myself for my part in what was done take responsibility for what i ve done and to remind myself of the kindness that resides in my heart and to not let my heart continue to darken as a result of these unfortunate circumstances forgiveness is the only way to lighten the heart and soul for all concerned it truly is a shellfish act as it allows you to let go let go of the anger the hurt the blame someone said that anger rage blame all of those feelings are like holding a burning coal only to fling it at your enemy there is only one problem with that the only one getting burned is you on forgiveness resentment and bitterness is the poison drank in hopes the other will perish forgiveness is a moment of peaceful release not forgetting or unknowing but a shifting in mind and emotions a switch on a switch off a deep sigh of acceptance a moving on but what does it really mean and how to get there from here resentment bitterness hurtfulness forgiveness how to get from here to there these questions plague my day dance through my night in a moment of light i wonder if self forgiveness makes it all right i realize then i have no magic sentence to make it all okay this unfathomable human moment perhaps there are no words to say but being loving is that the answer kindness is that the cure self acceptance comes in waves peace in moments found perhaps in these emotions forgiveness comes around when i get there from here i will tell you what i found meanwhile lightning and thunder color the horizon and flash towards the ground back thank you for your response name required email required website comment required submit δ share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on 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