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Text of the page (random words):
ppens again at risk of alerting the potential ai parasite within my brain here are the things i m trying on for size right now doubting and distancing pretty much all of my thoughts and emotions instead i am forcing myself to take some deep breaths and look at the facts i e hh continues to stick around and support me therefore he probably doesn t hate me but actually loves me and is gaining some benefit from our relationship finally hopefully maintaining a regular sleep schedule to bed by 10 pm awake by 6 30 am hopefully 6 eventually the morning person in me seems to be in deep hibernation stopping the crazy anxiety driven thought cycles this is kind of like the first bullet point but it is specific for all the times that i ruminate over something i said or did forever telling myself what a stupid thing that was to say or do and that now everyone who witnessed it not only thinks i m a complete idiot but is also telling everyone else they and i know that i am a complete idiot and other things along those lines continuing to place one foot in front of the other in all of the areas of my life i have felt i should make progress in even though right now progress seems irrelevant and everything feels pointless and hopeless much of the time and the other big thing i am doing differently right now is trying to spend less time figuring out what is wrong with me three people in three different settings told me last week that i seem more like myself than i have in a very long time that really took me off guard because i feel so decidedly not like myself when i m on my own trying to sort through what is wrong with me and how to fix cope with it at first i thought i should correct each of them and let them know that i am still totally not okay with scary and inappropriate thoughts plaguing much of my time but this was not a very pleasant task people want to believe that i m doing better it is disheartening to tell them they are wrong and after that third person i began to wonder if maybe i m the one who is wrong maybe i ve just become so used to focusing on what is broken in me that i have failed to recognize the parts of me that are finally in recovery blurry but you can clearly see that i was not cut out for a profession in business going back to school has changed a lot of different aspects of my life for six weeks it got me out of the house interacting with different people i made friends relatively quickly and i cannot tell you what a boost it gave me to find people with absolutely no obligation to me not family not church not neighbors etc seeking my company of course i had a panic every day on my drive home that i had said or done something that offended or bothered someone or everyone but as part of my final grade my professor actually commented on the relationships and leadership position i had developed within the class which brings me to the next point going to school has provided a place where i get official feedback while there is nothing that can compare to sloppy kisses or a dude mom this tastes yummy from darling a it is also really nice to get consistent positive commentary on my work going back to school has also really helped combat my confidence issues i am slowly overcoming my fears about not being able to commit to this i received an a in one class already and am on track to receive an a in the other one i m taking this semester i am feeling more competent all the time and most importantly it s helping me to feel hopeful in the future consistent social opportunities are where i am found to be more like myself school provides that except for right now when all i have is an online class boo and will lead to me having a career that will continue to provide that this does not fit the way i planned on but somehow it is still a good fit and the most comfortable thing in my life so maybe i really am more like myself than i realize or maybe i m just more on my way to getting there than i have been in a long time feeling like i am a good fit within myself would be a really nice thing i don t know if that made much sense to you but that s the thing i m trying on right now and although it s not a perfect fit right now i m really hoping i can grow into it eventually posted by cheryl at 5 00 pm 4 comments sunday june 7 2015 on being afraid so i m back in school it s been an interesting journey just a short three weeks but full of so many things let me back up first about a week before school started i facilitated a dbsa group meeting the before during and after of that each deserve a post of their own but life has been so busy i have written many posts for this blog in my head but they ve never made it to the computer so a quick sum up before i was sick with anxiety for about a month leading up to the meeting i mean really really really bad anxiety but after an appointment with my therapist he helped me see that it was my perfectionism at play again and advised me to begin the meeting by telling everyone how nervous i was and why i knew that would be scare in and of itself but i also knew it would help tremendously and that knowledge and plan gave me enough peace to survive the next two weeks until the meeting after i know i m jumping around here but there is a reason i was on a high it had just gone really well everyone had been so kind and positive and i was so proud of myself for doing it during we talked about relationships and commitments for the most part this was good but there was one part in the conversation where pretty much everyone who has been dealing with this mental illness for longer than i emphatically gave me the same statement just don t commit to anything ever it s too hard to know if you ll be able to follow through or not and that was it we were mainly talking about commitments to other people like babysitting someone else s kids or something but we talked about commitments in general as well and this statement was something they applied to pretty much everything so i tucked that in my back pocket forgot about it and rode my post facilitator high for the next couple days fast forward a couple weeks to school starting it turns out that being a student again has brought my perfectionism to a heightened state i feel like i have to do everything and do it all perfectly my online class has several optional assignments they are optional because we don t have to do every single one but we do need to do a certain amount i am having a hard time not doing everyone for fear that the teacher will think i m lazy and a poor student even though she specifically set it up for us to not do every assignment i missed 1 75 points on the first quiz and i was devastated there goes my chance at 100 in the class and then there are a few big assignments due at the end of the semester but it s making me crazy that i haven t completed them yet i just want everything done done perfectly and done now but obviously i can t and so i m constantly fighting the feeling of being a failure at school and that statement from my peers keeps just runs around in endless loops through my brain i never commit to anything ever and i just keep feeling like this whole thing is a mistake how could i possibly presume to commit to two and a half years of school when i myself avoid commitments as small as sure i ll watch your kids for you i m never going to be able to see this through and it s not just the school work it s the rest of my life that i was already failing miserably at before i decided that going to school for 10 hours a week plus at least 3 hours of studying a day seemed like a good idea to add in my house looked like a bomb went off and then someone let loose a whole clan of baby chimpanzees to play in the rubble dinner planning happens about 15 minutes after we should have begun eating if we have real food on hand we eat that otherwise we eat out bleh and i m having to say hold on just let me finish this fill in the blank and then i ll listen to your story waaaaay to often to my kids and for the first two weeks i was more of a monster than a mom or a wife or a human being i think the only reason i was nice last week was because hh was sick for the first half of the week and it was his birthday over the weekend there s a lot of negativity pent up inside of me right now but it pretty much just boils down to one thing fear i m so so very afraid i m afraid that taking this on is going to result in the exact opposite of what it s supposed to i m afraid i m not smart enough don t have the time don t have the willpower to make it into and then through the program i m afraid i m failing my children by not being as available to them and by being so short on patience lately i m afraid they ll take this as a sign that i don t want to spend time with them and when i m being totally honest inside myself i admit that it s nice to get a break to get away and associate with other people and to not deal with their tiresome fighting whining and incessant questions and i wonder what kind of broken mom feels that way and i feel guilty for bringing them into this world if i m just going to waste these years by trying so hard to get away from them and i hate myself for not want to just be with them and soak up every moment of this privilege that i have of raising four beautiful children and then i look up from my textbook and see my house and my chest gets so tight i can t breathe it s so messy what happened to me i used to be obsessive i used to have a cleaning schedule that included vacuuming at least twice a week all of the laundry being done in one day dusting at least once a week cleaning out the fridge at least once a week cleaning out the dryer house regularly etcetera etcetera now it s whatever hh has time for after he cleans up dinner and puts the kids to bed so you can probably guess how i feel i m doing as a wife epic fail not only is he doing everything i m supposed to be doing but i m super mean to him about it too our diet is a mess my workout routine has completely fallen apart i m supposed to do a triathlon in 10 weeks and the last time i swam laps in a pool was during the triathlon last year everyone keeps asking me how things are going i just put on a smile and comment that school is definitely hard but i m loving it because i should be right i mean so many people have sacrificed to help me not the least of which is hh and he has so much invested in this beyond his time and money this is his ray of hope his light at the end of the tunnel this is what is giving him the strength to persevere through all my nastiness and drama because he thinks this going to fix things to fix me my words not his he is much more delicate and politically correct but every day i m hearing that voice in my head i don t commit to anything ever and i m wondering what on earth i think i m doing how can i possibly do this i m so afraid i m going to fail and think of all the people i ll disappoint everyone but even more than that i m afraid of what comes next this feels like my last chance like if i can t do this then i m destined to a life of endless cycles of misery with frequent stays at the hospital and all of the other mess and madness that comes with my decent into that dark abyss sorry this one is a bit of a downer maybe that s why i haven t posted in so long i ve been wanting to have something to say that is inspiring and uplifting the best i have is this yesterday i was driving the kids home from their counseling appointment and we were talking very candidly about life i was telling them why i wanted them to go to counseling in the first place so they can learn that life is about learning and about making mistakes and about trying again and i found myself using me going back to school as the example and asking them if it would make any sense for me to drop out of school just because i didn t get a perfect score on my quiz or because it feels hard and i m afraid to submit an assignment because then the teacher might judge it to not be perfect quality all of this kept tumbling out of my mouth effortlessly all the while inside my head i was thinking what yes yes this is right why is this so hard for me then so at least the concept is there somewhere inside my brain there may be hope for me yet posted by cheryl at 9 27 pm 2 comments friday march 20 2015 but for the grace of god i hope you know that for your sake and mine i really try to stick to topics that are either useful to you or something i need help and reassurance on this is by nature a very personal blog so i am constantly second guessing whether i ve been guilty of over sharing or not i am sure that at times i have been i keep a personal journal for the things i need to write down either to remember or to sort through that are more private and not really appropriate for worldwide viewing but sometimes after recording something there i feel quite strongly that i should also share it here such is the case with my journal entry from last night all morning i ve felt this pressing prompting to share it here so hopefully this is useful to at least one of you readers i have felt empowered by the grace of god so much this week every day has had challenges many of them testing my mental and emotional resiliency i ve had a lot of anxiety i ve gotten down and i ve gotten angry and frustrated i ve wanted to turn to the coping skills that are easy and familiar but harmful in the long run but instead i ve read my scriptures and the ensign i ve listened to conference talks as i make dinner or clean the house i ve asked for help so hard i ve prayed for help to stay patient with the kids and hh i ve prayed for help in general and i ve tried to take care of myself by exercising might ve overdone it a bit when the anxiety was really bad and eating well and i ve been blessed one hundred fold i ve been able to stay patient to return to a positive and cheerful mood and even to be able to honestly say to hh that not one part of me doesn t want him to go on this guy s hiking trip he s leaving for i ll miss him and i m a little worried about being on my own but he needs this break in so many ways and the lord keeps reminding me that i have enough because he has given me all that i need that s it short and sweet because i was in a hurry to get to bed but i ve had some amazing experiences this week and have been able to recognize some real personal growth that has been so gratifying and reassuring and i know that these steps i ve taken are directly related to this added strength i ve felt click these links for more information about the ensign and general conference posted by cheryl at 1 29 pm 2 comments wednesday march 4 2015 theme for 2015 remember how instead of new year s resolutions i do an individual theme for each year yeah i didn t remember that either until i came across this post that i started writing back in january so in 2014 i pretty much forgot that i had a yearly theme instead of new year s resolutions i ...