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Text of the page (random words):
ships and commitments for the most part this was good but there was one part in the conversation where pretty much everyone who has been dealing with this mental illness for longer than i emphatically gave me the same statement just don t commit to anything ever it s too hard to know if you ll be able to follow through or not and that was it we were mainly talking about commitments to other people like babysitting someone else s kids or something but we talked about commitments in general as well and this statement was something they applied to pretty much everything so i tucked that in my back pocket forgot about it and rode my post facilitator high for the next couple days fast forward a couple weeks to school starting it turns out that being a student again has brought my perfectionism to a heightened state i feel like i have to do everything and do it all perfectly my online class has several optional assignments they are optional because we don t have to do every single one but we do need to do a certain amount i am having a hard time not doing everyone for fear that the teacher will think i m lazy and a poor student even though she specifically set it up for us to not do every assignment i missed 1 75 points on the first quiz and i was devastated there goes my chance at 100 in the class and then there are a few big assignments due at the end of the semester but it s making me crazy that i haven t completed them yet i just want everything done done perfectly and done now but obviously i can t and so i m constantly fighting the feeling of being a failure at school and that statement from my peers keeps just runs around in endless loops through my brain i never commit to anything ever and i just keep feeling like this whole thing is a mistake how could i possibly presume to commit to two and a half years of school when i myself avoid commitments as small as sure i ll watch your kids for you i m never going to be able to see this through and it s not just the school work it s the rest of my life that i was already failing miserably at before i decided that going to school for 10 hours a week plus at least 3 hours of studying a day seemed like a good idea to add in my house looked like a bomb went off and then someone let loose a whole clan of baby chimpanzees to play in the rubble dinner planning happens about 15 minutes after we should have begun eating if we have real food on hand we eat that otherwise we eat out bleh and i m having to say hold on just let me finish this fill in the blank and then i ll listen to your story waaaaay to often to my kids and for the first two weeks i was more of a monster than a mom or a wife or a human being i think the only reason i was nice last week was because hh was sick for the first half of the week and it was his birthday over the weekend there s a lot of negativity pent up inside of me right now but it pretty much just boils down to one thing fear i m so so very afraid i m afraid that taking this on is going to result in the exact opposite of what it s supposed to i m afraid i m not smart enough don t have the time don t have the willpower to make it into and then through the program i m afraid i m failing my children by not being as available to them and by being so short on patience lately i m afraid they ll take this as a sign that i don t want to spend time with them and when i m being totally honest inside myself i admit that it s nice to get a break to get away and associate with other people and to not deal with their tiresome fighting whining and incessant questions and i wonder what kind of broken mom feels that way and i feel guilty for bringing them into this world if i m just going to waste these years by trying so hard to get away from them and i hate myself for not want to just be with them and soak up every moment of this privilege that i have of raising four beautiful children and then i look up from my textbook and see my house and my chest gets so tight i can t breathe it s so messy what happened to me i used to be obsessive i used to have a cleaning schedule that included vacuuming at least twice a week all of the laundry being done in one day dusting at least once a week cleaning out the fridge at least once a week cleaning out the dryer house regularly etcetera etcetera now it s whatever hh has time for after he cleans up dinner and puts the kids to bed so you can probably guess how i feel i m doing as a wife epic fail not only is he doing everything i m supposed to be doing but i m super mean to him about it too our diet is a mess my workout routine has completely fallen apart i m supposed to do a triathlon in 10 weeks and the last time i swam laps in a pool was during the triathlon last year everyone keeps asking me how things are going i just put on a smile and comment that school is definitely hard but i m loving it because i should be right i mean so many people have sacrificed to help me not the least of which is hh and he has so much invested in this beyond his time and money this is his ray of hope his light at the end of the tunnel this is what is giving him the strength to persevere through all my nastiness and drama because he thinks this going to fix things to fix me my words not his he is much more delicate and politically correct but every day i m hearing that voice in my head i don t commit to anything ever and i m wondering what on earth i think i m doing how can i possibly do this i m so afraid i m going to fail and think of all the people i ll disappoint everyone but even more than that i m afraid of what comes next this feels like my last chance like if i can t do this then i m destined to a life of endless cycles of misery with frequent stays at the hospital and all of the other mess and madness that comes with my decent into that dark abyss sorry this one is a bit of a downer maybe that s why i haven t posted in so long i ve been wanting to have something to say that is inspiring and uplifting the best i have is this yesterday i was driving the kids home from their counseling appointment and we were talking very candidly about life i was telling them why i wanted them to go to counseling in the first place so they can learn that life is about learning and about making mistakes and about trying again and i found myself using me going back to school as the example and asking them if it would make any sense for me to drop out of school just because i didn t get a perfect score on my quiz or because it feels hard and i m afraid to submit an assignment because then the teacher might judge it to not be perfect quality all of this kept tumbling out of my mouth effortlessly all the while inside my head i was thinking what yes yes this is right why is this so hard for me then so at least the concept is there somewhere inside my brain there may be hope for me yet posted by cheryl at 9 27 pm 2 comments friday march 20 2015 but for the grace of god i hope you know that for your sake and mine i really try to stick to topics that are either useful to you or something i need help and reassurance on this is by nature a very personal blog so i am constantly second guessing whether i ve been guilty of over sharing or not i am sure that at times i have been i keep a personal journal for the things i need to write down either to remember or to sort through that are more private and not really appropriate for worldwide viewing but sometimes after recording something there i feel quite strongly that i should also share it here such is the case with my journal entry from last night all morning i ve felt this pressing prompting to share it here so hopefully this is useful to at least one of you readers i have felt empowered by the grace of god so much this week every day has had challenges many of them testing my mental and emotional resiliency i ve had a lot of anxiety i ve gotten down and i ve gotten angry and frustrated i ve wanted to turn to the coping skills that are easy and familiar but harmful in the long run but instead i ve read my scriptures and the ensign i ve listened to conference talks as i make dinner or clean the house i ve asked for help so hard i ve prayed for help to stay patient with the kids and hh i ve prayed for help in general and i ve tried to take care of myself by exercising might ve overdone it a bit when the anxiety was really bad and eating well and i ve been blessed one hundred fold i ve been able to stay patient to return to a positive and cheerful mood and even to be able to honestly say to hh that not one part of me doesn t want him to go on this guy s hiking trip he s leaving for i ll miss him and i m a little worried about being on my own but he needs this break in so many ways and the lord keeps reminding me that i have enough because he has given me all that i need that s it short and sweet because i was in a hurry to get to bed but i ve had some amazing experiences this week and have been able to recognize some real personal growth that has been so gratifying and reassuring and i know that these steps i ve taken are directly related to this added strength i ve felt click these links for more information about the ensign and general conference posted by cheryl at 1 29 pm 2 comments wednesday march 4 2015 theme for 2015 remember how instead of new year s resolutions i do an individual theme for each year yeah i didn t remember that either until i came across this post that i started writing back in january so in 2014 i pretty much forgot that i had a yearly theme instead of new year s resolutions i looked it up and guess what my theme for last year was hope haha that s sort of a slap in the face and that s about as far as i got with that post but it was a good reminder mostly because it reminded me that i had already come up with a theme for this year or more aptly i knew what my theme for the year needed to be but back in january i was having a really hard time coming to turns with it it was so scary it hurt now it doesn t feel so hard and i can see why it is what the spirit had prompted me to choose my theme for 2015 is learning to love myself darling a likes to play a game with me where i ask who i love and lists off everyone usually ending with herself today she switched things up and added me onto the end it gave me a moment s pause but then i was really happy to realize that i could answer her question in the affirmative without any doubts for someone who has spent a lot of time as a professional self loather that is a really big deal with the current changes and goals i have set in motion i have to work on loving myself i haven t done fabulously well with our new diet the past few days but i m okay with that and even willing to share this failure here because i m working on loving myself and the main reason i let myself slide on the diet is because it was creating more stress than benefit the way i was doing it and it became a matter of what i needed to do to really take care of me the funny thing is my motivation for getting back on the diet in a new less stressful modified way is because i love myself and i love myself enough to not eat the sugar that gives me headaches even though it sounds so good more importantly i m having to learn to love myself enough to believe in myself because going back to college is really hard and really scary and i haven t even registered for classes yet so i know it s going to get harder and i m going to have to remember why i m doing it because i can do this and it s going to be the path to a different better future for me and my family today i worked on loving myself by not getting frustrated when i wasn t the fastest or the strongest in my class at the gym i got to the place where i felt good and the workout was putting a smile on my face and then i stayed there i didn t pick up an extra weight plate even though the instructor had two i stuck with my one because i knew that it was workout enough for me today and it wouldn t make me so tired and sore that i would be a grump for the rest of the day with my family winning posted by cheryl at 3 57 pm 1 comment sunday march 1 2015 more on acceptance or why i want to be a currant bush first i have to share a video story with you many of you have probably seen it it s told by elder d todd christoffersen an apostle of the lord i love this story the very first time i heard it i knew i d just learned an important lesson for my stubborn heart and no matter how many times i hear the story it s the same experience over and over it makes me want to weep as i so fully understand how the currant bush is feeling even in this very moment i am frustrated because the word i really wanted to use in that previous sentence is not coming to me something i experience frequently in my writing ever since ect messed with my brain i always considered myself to be a pretty talented writer but now i feel like my ability to express myself has been reduced to the quality of a child and i find myself asking why god i know that through your guidance and grace i have been able to help uplift and inspire others through my writing why can t i have that ability still the day before my most recent stay at the hospital i sobbed into hh s arms an utterly heartbroken lament i could be so great i don t mean that in a conceited or arrogant way what i mean is i know i have been given talents as we all have and i know that i could accomplish great things if given the capacity to develop those talents i have a willing heart i want to do so many things i want to do good i want to help others i want to be strong what i lack is the opportunity to focus on developing those talents instead i spend much of my time surviving at the worst of times this means finding the strength and desire to keep placing one foot in front of the other to walk away from the dark abyss my thoughts desire to lead me to but even now when things are not so dire i am rebuilding learning how to be an engaged wife and mother again trying to clean my house without wearing myself out and becoming a rage monster struggling to remember how to make the recipes i ve made for my family for years but that ect has now mostly erased relearning how to become and be a friend and enduring the days when depression welcomes itself back into my life people have come into my life who are doing the very things with their lives that i want to do with mine and they are doing them very well as i believe i could and sometimes it is hard to watch them and keep kind feelings in my heart as if their talents somehow detract anything from me and my life so i keep coming back to this story about the currant bush and reminding myself that i am shortsighted as the lord is not and he knows what i can be and what i can be great at and that what he wants for me is most assuredly greater than what i can imagine for myself for what he wants for me is to be as absolutely great as i can be and i can t do that on my own and i need to be...