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waiting to be praised and because of that nobody knows about them acknowledge their deeds because it is silent because it doesn t want praise on a more personal level i see it all the time in the small reality where i live nobody really cares either i know i sound like a broken record i know i said it so many times but i care and it destroys me my husband always says that i have to higher expectations from people maybe but i judge them according to my moral compass and because i have high expectations from myself i guess i expect it in others formula for disappointment my wise husband would say strangely enough i repeat the same words to my daughter when she comes to me with the the same complaint that people don t care don t do their job or do it badly don t expect people to be like yourself don t expect anything from them our building for example it was such a nice place to be but as years have passed new tenants appeared noisy dirty rude in a word assholes they double park throw their garbage everywhere apart from the bins and by doing so smear everything with their leaky trash bags they smoke in the stairwell and they put out their cigarettes on the window sills or better they throw them on the grass while still burning they get too many in the elevator so they get stuck and then the elevator doesn t work for three days and you have to take the stairs to the 6th floor with the shopping and their dog poops on your doormat and they just leave it there for you to step in it careless indifferent douchebags but whenever there is something to be done in the building repairs and such they all disappear but when there are problems they are all very busy and i have many more examples but only thinking about them makes me sick i don t want to write them down do make them visible permanent so yes people are assholes nothing has changed and unfortunately nothing will at 10 10 pm no comments labels assholes carelessness hope is dead indifference people wednesday april 29 2026 the village s idiot sometimes i feel like the village s idiot as if i am not able to think for myself to do things without being patronized everyone seems to know what s best for me from politicians that want me to believe i am free to my husband that scolds me whenever i want to buy something you have enough plants we don t have the space or even clean the house you are cleaning again didn t you clean last week to my daughter who rolls her eyes at me whenever i tell her something she doesn t agree with yes i know i don t have a doctorate nor am i a successful business woman i fought tooth and nail to finish my degree to built something for myself but as things in life don t go exactly as planned i had to leave everything and become what people like to label a stay at home mom a homemaker whatever term is acceptable now and yes i did it on my own volition nobody forced me to do it at the time i felt i was the one who could give my daughter the best start in life the best education why pay somebody else to do it and be dissatisfied about that later i had seen from the inside how the system works i am not sorry for my decision my daughter is living proof i did it right but that decision had cost me a lot my financial independence my independence full stop i became always the one that was available no matter what the one who did everything all the time and usually i didn t complain i told myself i had made my peace with it but sometimes god sometimes i feel i am going to explode as i get older i realize that by nurturing everyone else i set myself aside and by setting myself aside i taught others to do the same so i rebel from time to time in small ways i go on buying sprees i write poems i stay up all night reading small things but they feed the illusion that i am the master of my own life which i am not at 6 02 pm no comments labels choices life thoughts monday april 27 2026 a bag of mixed feelings yesterday i had these overwhelming feelings i was sad and angry and lonely all of them at once when this happens i usually take deep breaths and try to figure out what happened why it happened it isn t always an easy process but i try so i pick up one feeling sadness i am sad because i have been writing some stories from communist romania and while writing all those other feelings of powerlessness of being caged in an absurd reality together with the nostalgia of a lost youth came rushing drowning me sometimes when i write i actually transport myself to that time and it hurts anger well this one is something that many of us carry in our souls we live in an imperfect world and as long as we don t act on that feeling we are all right anger is easier to manage punch something break jars shout it all helps and even if the world continues to make you angry at least you found an escape route a valve that lets the pressure out i usually cry loneliness this is the most difficult one for me sometimes i think for me loneliness as a general state of mind i am lonely i exist in this state i don t have a social life mainly because as an expat it is hard to find others like yourself on top of that i don t share the same beliefs as most of the population here hence the added layer of loneliness of course i gave friends i am not a savage but people especially at my age have their own plethora of problems especially health ones old age unfortunately comes with a plethora of ailments and disorders and pain and doctors and hospitals my family here me my husband and my daughter the rest of them hmmm you can read about it here https aloneinholyland blogspot com 2009 07 my disfunctional family html it is difficult to be in my skin sometimes i am glad i can write about it though at least for a few minutes the burden is not here on my shoulders at 1 20 pm no comments labels anger feelings loneliness sadness saturday april 25 2026 who am i did you ever ask yourself this question and more who am i what defines me what is my role in this world did i fulfill it when we are young we don t question ourselves like this when we are young we have dreams and aspirations and we think life is just this straight highway no bumps no crossroads no should i turn left or right but life is not that simple life has ups and downs and dangerous curves and crossroads and accidents and stop and go back stuff like that and somewhere along the road we begin doubting ourselves am i on the right track did i take the right decision when i look in the mirror do i see the person i wanted i dreamt to see oh when i was young i had so many dreams small ones and big ones and i was so naive i thought that if i wish something hard enough it is going to become real and i wished and i fought for my dreams for a long time at one moment i thought i had it that even it was so hard and so difficult i could do it i could see it to the end but at least for me it wasn t meant to be then again after a while i thought i found the answer one more dream to fulfill and again it ended heartbreakingly how many times did i fall and rise again i don t recall exactly many times did i learn anything from past experiences i was a laborer a student a journalist a writer a mother a wife a teacher small victories big fuck ups many tears deception sometimes sunny times and then a huge storm so what do i see when i look into a mirror am i the person i imagined myself to be i am not sure i don t think so maybe i am too critical of myself maybe this is the best i could ever be or maybe who knows i have one more dream in me at 11 46 pm no comments labels aspirations dreams life thursday april 23 2026 living in the past as the title says i find myself lately musing about the past it all started when i had a discussion with my husband about the summer camps of our childhood in communist romania i remembered so clearly and vividly my first summer camp in navodari at the black sea as if it was yesterday and then the memories just kept coming and coming am i really getting old as my husband says i can t remember what i did yesterday but i remember clearly what i did on the 1st of september 1972 well i exaggerate but you get the gist of it the truth is i am glad i am still able to remember so many things the memories of living in communist romania are the most powerful now maybe because they were triggered by the god awful summer camp in navodari i searched the net about that period and i was surprised to find very little information as if that period didn t really exist or that it had to be erased from the collective memory i looked for example for my former high school the infamous industrial nr 6 and i didn t find anything not even a picture i mean why do we want to forget about those times i think that if we will forget them we will definitely repeat the mistakes we made then what i found speaks more about nostalgic times like we all lived happily in a commune where yes it was difficult to live but all we got by and it is not true at all the communist years in romania were bad bad times and with the rise of ceausescu we got it even worse no food no liberty no heating long hours without electricity the securitate watching us all the time you tell me what was good about that maybe the fact we were young and detached from our parents daily struggles one of my friends said we had dreams back then true i agree we had but we were also naive and ignorant of the true reality i read somewhere that we were living in a jar with a lid on top we knew only what we were told and when all the newspapers and tv programs were censored we weren t told much ignorance is bliss right just it wasn t like that we wouldn t have listened to radio europa liber free europe if we were ok with the situation just my thoughts really and i m off to the past i have some memories to sort through at 1 24 pm 2 comments labels communist memories past sunday april 19 2026 for me writing is life writing is breathing writing is waking up in the morning putting one foot in front of the other surviving since i remember i used to cope with life by putting it on paper words helped me through some very dark periods of my life so i ll carry on writing i don t know if anybody draws anything out from my ramblings and in a sense i don t think i care not anymore sorry i don t i used to it was like oh my god i am writing and people are going to read it and oh my god what are doing to say are they going to be interested at all in what i am writing maybe it is the journalist in me always writing with a purpose in mind like making the world a better place kafkian i know and oh so pointless so i ll be here writing away if you want to be part of this i don t know journey circus whatever you are welcome if not that s ok too me i have to write in order to survive at 10 19 am no comments labels survival writing saturday april 18 2026 if you love poetry and even if you don t but you are a bit curious now please visit https wherethewordsdwell blogspot com come back and tell me what you think at 10 58 pm no comments labels poetry thursday april 16 2026 what about us lefties in communist romania i wasn t allowed to write with my left hand they tied it back during lessons because i kept changing hands while writing or drawing it was hell at calligraphy my marks were the lowest in my entire career as a student because my hand writing was atrocious it took me a long time to be able to write eligibly at family dinners my relatives were displeased because i was eating with my left hand it wasn t acceptable i couldn t play the guitar properly because guitars were for right handed people i was good at sports though fencing mainly and volleyball too being different was an advantage even if it wasn t in line with the communist party ideology we were all supposed to be the same i have forgotten about this up until today after buying on line my only excuse a very sweet mug i like quirky mugs i have lots of them but surprise surprise i won t be able to drink from it because it was made for right handed people only for them you can see it in the picture i am bit disappointed to be honest i didn t think when i bought it though i am going to gift it to my husband and maybe ask next it was their on line shop i got it from a question or two at 10 20 pm no comments labels left handed dissapointed mug older posts home subscribe to posts atom nowhere to run my poetry book available on amazon click on the image where the words dwell a bit of poetry for the soul my other brand new blog one year without a dime disclaimer dear reader please don t forget that english is not my native language i was born in romania and i m currently living in israel i am sure i make a lot of mistakes when writing so your feedback is precious to me thank you also if you want to comment in another language than english romanian hebrew you are more than welcome to do it about me alone in holy land ashdod israel born in romania living in israel a bored staying at home mum on a 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