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Text of the page (random words):
the very lungs that were just cut reduced and put back together i joined him and for what felt like the first time really breathed both of us widening then relaxing our lungs nothing short of a miracle that was my witness and that was my lesson god is in everything hyrum s lungs expanding to fill the newly emptied space that is god the ability to love someone so fiercely that you feel like you can hardly breathe and your heart can t sink any further that is god a wordless hand grip from brendon because he understands that is god stripping worries one by painful one and submitting them to him that is god a surgeon s capable hands producing miracles that is god a mother to mother me and my children that is god others offering their faith and praying for us by our names that is god women who instantly drop their life ongoings to be our rescuers that is god having someone to love clark in my absence that is god knowing how quickly a sacred life can slip away and what a gift it is to simply be and to simply experience that is god to be utterly washed over in panic and then restored back to peace that is god even if has to happen over and over a nurse providing two cots to rest our 30 hours without sleep bodies in a private room while our baby was in surgery that is god the chorus of birds singing at dawn as we rushed to the hospital that is god putting my daughter s life completely in his hands that is god cleaning up blood with ease that is god knowing that bodily harm and pain can bring spiritual strength and joy that is god a patient baby after a major operation that is god watching brendon strengthen his testimony and learning about his sacred lessons learned that is god being able to see the lessons during the trial and not just after that is god time flying by when it should have been the exact opposite that is god talking things out over and over with my mother that is god a five year old wise enough to listen to her body that is god md surviving so much blood loss that is god being together as a family and knowing that we are eternal no matter how long our time together is here on earth that is god feeling the savior s love that is god the miracle of turning over one s will to him because of the atonement that is god these are my pearls of great price the price was great and it was painful but i wouldn t change anything god is there and i would give everything and go through anything to know him he is in the storm and in the break through rays of sun posted by ann at 5 28 pm 13 comments tuesday march 18 2014 x is for exoskeleton my little hyrum finally has a quilt of his own this quilt has been in the making for the past two years and no i haven t been working on it that long i would quilt on again off again but nothing like a deadline to get a project done my sister katy as in no big dill katy has been doing a sew all 26 series and asked me to contribute for the letter x so here we ve got a beetle with an exoskeleton and small red x stitches on the little tucks running both vertically and horizontally this is entirely quilted by hand and done freehand i love the imperfection that freehand quilting gives it makes it cozier and tells a story the beetle and its spots are hand appliqued i made the pattern after the image of an actual beetle the straight stitch quilting and the tucks on the perimeter frame the beetle but closer to the insect is quilting that follows the outline of the hard shelled critter the backing has some patchwork which is new for me i usually just keep it simple and use one fabric but i liked how it turned out it frames the silhouette stitch of the beetle one of my favorite parts of quilting is seeing all the extra wrinkles after it s washed and dried this one has an ample amount of wrinkles it shrunk quite a bit more than i was expecting even though i pre washed but the extra crumples were worth it i have a thing for beetles i mean their skeletons are on the outside pretty cool the patterns and colors are endless in their variety hyrum enjoys the stark contrast in fabrics and actually played peekaboo with the quilt for quite awhile yesterday i feel like my quilts are a part of me they start long before i even touch a needle to fabric i often daydream of different designs i want to embody in fabric i then spend hours and hours cutting threading stitching so i love that a part of me is wrapped around my babies while they sleep the next best thing to my arms posted by ann at 10 53 pm 10 comments thursday march 6 2014 i am their pupil i love these three fiercely they have made me a mother no other three beings have challenged taught and pushed me to be the person i should like they have and for that i am humbled at their patience with me posted by ann at 2 14 pm no comments thursday december 19 2013 mere moments examined against eternity i never know when it s going to rise up from the creases of my mind to that inescapable place that place where i m forced to face it because it is always there cf will one day take her life most the time i can successfully keep it tucked in one of those aforementioned creases a safekeeping from my heart but then there are those moments when i have to face it i have to release the pressure that builds up and then i cry i sob i shake i ache deeply at times i lay in the middle of the night with peaceful yet painful concern for the duration of her life and it makes me ache for any wasted time i turn so eager that i want to run in and wake her just to hear her happy report of every life detail so we can sign i love you with our fingers so i can feel her sweet kiss on my cheek so she can have and feel my fullest attention and love i lay there making resolutions to not waste my moments with her with each of my children because that s what they are mere moments when examined against eternity but gratefully and do i ever mean gratefully though mere moments here we have forever there and that s when i begin to see how death has and will lose its sting it s because it makes life more cherished and beautiful it shows me the eternal posted by ann at 12 23 pm 13 comments friday october 11 2013 shout for joy for your body the pressure on our bodies is everywhere to lose this change that never to be satisfied it s sad and it s ugly i find myself criticizing my own body but i try to stop before it seeps in permanently my perspective has changed gradually over the past 5 years of being a mother but most dramatically over this recent year i credit it not only to being a mother but to mary deane s cystic fibrosis cf reeks havoc on the body on almost every organ md deals with pain i ve never felt she takes 20 doses of medication a day even more when she s sick just to keep her body functioning to keep it from getting worse to keep her living i see firsthand how her body betrays her she spends hours a day doing cf related things when she should be out running and playing carefree i am a part of two communities online cf and g tube i m familiar with the struggles of cf but my eyes have been opened to all sorts of conditions requiring people to be fed via tubes one husband can t eat due to tongue cancer another child is completely immobile another has a trach in order to breathe and the list goes on i get only small glimpses into their lives i ache for them and their bodies that don t work like they should so when my mind starts to criticize this body of mine i reprimand myself thinking what do you have to complain about your body works your lungs breathe easily your legs take you where you want to go you are free to eat and taste you can see your gallbladder doesn t cause you chronic pain and it has co created with god three other beautiful bodies don t you dare complain i marvel at the life outside and inside of me yes i ve gained weight and collected more stretch marks and my body will never be the same but for a most noble cause one that i am proud of i believe it is a sin to criticize the bodies god has given us we shouted for joy knowing we would get a body and come to earth let s continue to shout for joy posted by ann at 12 45 pm 5 comments wednesday august 28 2013 hyrum knudsen jones hyrum knudsen jones august 26 2013 3 30am 9lbs 20 inches we are thrilled to finally have our little guy here he is as sweet as can be posted by ann at 1 49 pm no comments sunday march 24 2013 writing the good and the bad write the good and the bad this was my mother s advice to me some months ago i haven t stopped thinking about it wondering how to make the balance between optimism and realism lord byron said if i don t write to empty my mind i go mad i m long overdue for a mind emptying it s been a l o n g year for our family we are now settled into our new home back in the states the move from qatar was unplanned but meant to be although hard to do it has been good for our family in so many ways especially for mary deane s health after watching it decline for nearly a year i was relieved to get her feeling better with adequate care the biggest struggle with her behaviorally has been getting her to eat most days she eats three pieces of cereal and nothing more after four years of begging forcing pleading and crying on both our parts we decided to have a g tube put in a surgery that creates a hole in her abdomen giving direct access to her stomach the surgery and following hospital stay were nerve racking she did well but it took time to heal and is still pretty sensitive for the first time she can now receive all of her enzymes to help her digest and we can get in some much needed nutrition i was so anxious to have the g tube put in that i was completely blindsided by my emotional reaction to it one of the nice things about cf is for the most part you can t tell she has it by looking at her it has been one of those things i ve held onto knowing that it would help her to have a more normal life but now she has this plastic contraption sticking out of her belly a visual reminder that her life isn t normal that first week after surgery she walked so carefully with her shoulders slumped forward as she scuffled her feet to minimize the pain my four year old had turned into a 90 year old i thought our days of tickling were over brendon didn t play with her the same he told me he thought he d never be able to throw her up in the air again even clark had to learn to play with her differently i could hardly stand it i hadn t prepared myself for such a loss but that week turned into a couple of months and as she slowly healed we slowly learned the boundaries i m happy to say we still wrestle and tickle but with caution sometimes it ends with accidental tears but nothing a good cuddle couldn t fix gratefully i now stop whatever i m doing to watch brendon toss her up and hear her giggle something i won t be taking for granted all four of us especially md are learning to adjust we are learning tricks to help her and us no doubt guided by the spirit oh life i keep waiting for that space of time when we can just coast but it s not meant to be instead these experiences just intensify the good and the bad and i m learning to be okay with that posted by ann at 11 21 am 10 comments wednesday november 28 2012 thanksgiving 2012 my little helper i love the splatters on his face md carefully taking one seed out at a time telling of their personalities piecing the bread for the dressing something i did every thanksgiving as a little girl brendon s favorite part of the holiday we got more than one generous invite for thanksgiving but we decided to play it safe health wise and celebrate at home just the four of us our first thanksgiving in our new home the savory smells in the early morning brought hundreds of happy memories to the forefront i was on cloud nine life was as it should be all four of us together working to make a wonderful feast to share our thanks and our giving the kitchen counters were crowded with preps spices dishes and food patiently waiting to be assembled as i danced at times literally from one end of the kitchen to the other i watched my children at the table piecing the bread for the dressing my duty as a little girl and deseeding the pomegranates occasionally policed by brendon i was pleased as everything came together and it gave me an even greater appreciation for my mother s seemingly effortless work that she did each holiday my greatest thanks this year is for our settling lives after a chaotic and trying four months our stuff from overseas has arrived we ve bought our first home we are moved in md is adjusting to her new g tube and her health is improving brendon is enjoying his job clark takes it all in stride our stress and anxiety levels are decreasing and life is good life is very good posted by ann at 3 05 pm 5 comments sunday november 18 2012 mourning and rejoicing md on her 4th birthday as i tucked my face into her neck just below her ear her shoulder met my skin and her giggle entered my ear i took a deep breathe in through my nose letting every scent of her comb through me it was sweet and salty with a hint of medicine i tried to permanently register never wanting to forget her scent just in case just in case one day i would have to remember it cystic fibrosis is a terminal illness terminal is a hard word to accept mary deane s health has become more serious this last year it was the first time i could actually see it take a toll on her outward appearance circles under eyes x rays showing more scarred lung tissue no weight gain losing hair not her happy energetic self refusing to eat distended and painful belly and so on three hospitalizations two er trips and a surgery for a g tube to be put in a feeding tube that goes directly into her stomach later and things are finally starting to settle down and we are seeing some wonderful improvements along with some personal trials all of this put me in mourning it s a slow process with cf but it does kill i don t know when she ll be taken from us but i have daily reminders that this time is precious these reminders take me two ways one to mourn and one to rejoice there is so much unknown about md s condition that forces me to go through mourning periods knowing that i could lose her i don t know how to handle it i ache to think of the things she would miss i ache to think that i could possibly miss out on raising her it is times like these that i turn to the savior and to the comfort of his promised blessings and doctrine joseph fielding smith taught joseph smith taught the doctrine that the infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child and pointing to the mother of a lifeless child he said to her you will have the joy the pleasure and satisfaction of nurturing this child after its resurrection until it reaches the full stature of its spirit there is restitution there is growth there is development after the resurrection from death i love this truth it speaks volumes of happiness of joy and gratitu...