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a mother s grief and learning to live again this is my story of losing a child and finding life again show show skip to content a mother s grief and learning to live again this is my story of losing a child and finding life again why am i still here has changed to why i am still here november 6 2015 november 6 2015 posted in depression grief hope survivors of suicide format post format image 9 comments this is something i wrote for facebook today and by the end i realized it should be a blog post so here it is i wonder why facebook chooses certain memories but this is one that i want to share from 2 years ago two years ago today my status on facebook read why am i still here two years ago well into the second year after the death of my beloved donald i wanted to die i didn t want to actually take my life because of the tremendous pain that my death especially by suicide would cause but i thought that death was preferable to life two long years later i still struggle with the aftermath of donald gwarjanski s death i still have tidal waves of grief that appear from nowhere i am not scared of death when it is my time i will be ready i no longer believe death is preferable to life i have times of peace actually with my faith in jesus christ i always had inner peace even on the day my child was buried but that is not the peace most people think of when they think of being at peace i have good days i have very bad days i have days when i love the sunshine i have days that i cannot get out of bed i hate the dark months from november to march the most i was diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder long ago and after don s death it became overwhelming life has changed i will not say that it is better than it was before my son died that would be a lie i will say that it is better than it was the first year and the second year i may be crying as i write this but i am not crying with screams and gasps for air these tears will always roll down my face when i think of before and after as will the crying that brings hear trending sobs with screams and gasps for air donald is an only child i never refer to him in the past tense for he is alive as long as those who loved him are alive only children are special all children are special so maybe it is just a different kind of special the thing that makes his status as an only child remarkable is that he made brothers and sisters of his own choosing donald never asked me for a brother or sister because he had them at first with his cousins and later with several very special young men and women he left those people behind for me as my children one just had a baby this week congratulations one couple is expecting a baby in december i will love these babies as if they are my own grandchildren as i will love the ones to come i still don t know why i am here as in what is the purpose god has for me but i hope i can make a difference in at least one person s life i hope i can be of help to other parents who are grieving i hope i can help anyone who is grieving i did not write this for sympathy but as an encouraging word for those who struggle i wrote it also to thank all of the people who have prayed for me and with me and to thank the people who stand beside me with a shoulder to lean on i will be there for you kat bereaved parents death of child donald gwarjanski faith grief grieving parents my purpose a boom in the night february 28 2015 february 28 2015 posted in hope my story survivors of suicide 8 comments i live in alabama where we don t have extremely cold winters summer is extremely hot and humid winter is usually mild with a few cold snaps last week we had one of those cold snaps where the night time temperature was below 10 degrees f that is very cold for alabama we rarely have any continue reading a boom in the night cold weather cryoseismic boom death death of adult child fear frost quake god praying grief and healing august 27 2014 posted in grief hope photos quotes survivors of suicide leave a comment death death of child feelings grief healing quotes tom zuba the first year is not the hardest august 25 2014 august 26 2014 posted in depression grief memories and memorials my story survivors of suicide 8 comments many times people who are grieving believe and often are told that the first year is the hardest during the first year after your loss you are in shock you are numb you are angry and on top of all that you have a thousand details to manage after the first year it is tempting continue reading the first year is not the hardest death death of a child donald phillip gwarjanski faith fear giving up god grief grieving parent journey after loss loneliness memories questions as the years go by august 16 2014 august 16 2014 posted in grief memories and memorials my story survivors of suicide leave a comment on monday august 18 2012 it will be two years since you left this earth for your heavenly home two years that simultaneously feel like an eternity and just yesterday in that time i have cried screamed and mourned i have also learned to smile laugh and celebrate again you lived life so fully living continue reading as the years go by donald gwarjanski future grief heaven hope life loss of a child love mourning quote of the day march 23 2014 posted in quotes leave a comment life is about not knowing having to change taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what s going to happen next delicious ambiguity gilda radner gilda radner life quote of the day quotes the minefields february 28 2014 posted in grief quotes format post format image leave a comment emotions grief loss memories triggers understanding suicide february 27 2014 posted in uncategorized leave a comment originally posted on the 50 something life of a southern gal i just read this and my heart is still pounding it is powerfully written it shows raw emotion over a friend s suicide as i read it and it s long i thought about my son i wondered is this what he was thinking when he took empathy versus sympathy february 27 2014 posted in grief resources leave a comment object htmltextareaelement via empathy versus sympathy bereaved parent bereavement child loss coping death death of a child death of adult child depression empathy grief grief process grieving grieving parent healing life after loss sympathy i will not say goodbye february 27 2014 february 27 2014 posted in hope memories and memorials photos uncategorized 2 comments i found this on youtube the lyrics are so beautiful and express our feelings as grieving parents so well it wasn t written for the loss of a child but the artists s loss is addressed so poignantly that i felt it to be appropriate for this blog after all music speaks to all of us in continue reading i will not say goodbye danny gokey grief i will not say goodbye loss loss of child lyrics music not goodbye youtube posts pagination page 1 page 2 page 5 next page search for recent posts why am i still here has changed to why i am still here a boom in the night grief and healing the first year is not the hardest as the years go by recent comments katherine on a boom in the night melinda on a boom in the night katherine on why am i still here has change katherine on a boom in the night katherine on that terrible day archives november 2015 february 2015 august 2014 march 2014 february 2014 january 2014 december 2013 categories anxiety depression grief holidays hope memories and memorials my story photos poetry quotes resources survivors of suicide uncategorized meta create account log in entries feed comments feed wordpress com website powered by wordpress com a mother s grief and learning to live again a mother s grief and learning to live again website powered by wordpress com subscribe subscribed a mother s grief and learning to live again join 54 other subscribers sign me up already have a wordpress com account log in now privacy a mother s grief and learning to live again subscribe subscribed sign up log 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