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y is where my focus is these days my words are flowing just not on these pages i d glad you found me though and i hope you leave with a lesson or two to comfort you welcome to my story a journey through unexplained infertility ectopic pregnancy loss and into motherhood to be continued share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x like loading posted in uncategorized tagged ectopic pregnancy infertility ivf miscarriage parenting after infertility pregnancy loss unexplained infertility mar 23 the floodgates have opened posted by awaiting autumn 10 i was feeling nauseous it had been all day on and off i described it as like when i was pregnant why oh why did i make that comparison he got excited i told him to slow down we had just had sex a few days ago he commented that we also did it 2 weeks ago to be exact isn t it ironic that he remembers better than i do now he asked if i had taken a test i didn t have any he offered to pick some up on his way home an hour later i started puking and the fever set in i texted him to forget about the tests it was only the flu i couldn t help but feel a sense of sorrow that spark of excitement at the possibility of a miracle pregnancy had been ignited and just as fast as it was lit it burnt out again i told him i was sorry i didn t realize how stupid and naive i would feel thinking that we could possibly be pregnant i didn t realize it would catch me so off guard the floodgates have opened the possibility and hope for another child has been brought to the forefront of our minds or maybe it just never really went away share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x like loading posted in uncategorized tagged infertility trying to conceive jan 09 the relay of bereaved motherhood posted by awaiting autumn 0 i heard from an old hometown friend tonight the last time we connected it was about cloth diapering just after my son was born i always enjoy when someone reaches out after years of non contact and you are able to bond over life experiences except for times like this tonight her tone was rushed and anxious she wondered if i knew how long it took to recover from a miscarriage she had just experienced one at almost 6 weeks pregnant and wasn t feeling normal how do i explain to her that you will never feel normal again how do i tell her that your womb will always seem dark and your heart will remain broken she had noticed the posts i share on social media about infertility and loss she wondered if i could recommend any resources that had helped me where do i even start i linked her to standing still unspoken grief and my personal fav a bed for my heart i told her to trust her intuition and speak to her doctor if she still isn t feeling right i let her know that the physical recovery would happen much quicker than the emotional recovery geez how does one even find the words to describe lifelong loss finally i told her that she could reach out at any time i m here if she wants to talk about it because really that s what we all needed someone to listen someone to reassure us someone to remind us that we aren t alone i never wanted to become that someone but i ll carry the torch proudly and teach her what she needs to know for when it s her turn to pass it along share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x like loading posted in uncategorized tagged angel baby grief miscarriage motherhood pregnancy loss jan 08 the end of the first year posted by awaiting autumn 3 i must admit it i ve been horrible at writing since i returned to work being a mompreneur means that for now my blog has dropped in priority here i am for a long overdue update i can hardly believe that wyatt is 14 months old we successfully made it through the first year he s developed into such a caring inquisitive intelligent affectionate toddler his personality is so strong i often joke he s way more of an extrovert than i am but he still loves his snuggles and down time when we are alone at home he s really thriving at daycare although he s barely been there this month we went to florida for a week earlier in december with my brother and his family then my husband and i both took some time off over the christmas holidays i hosted christmas supper this year with my in laws which was better than i expected i really made an effort to focus on the kids wyatt kinda learned to open presents but was way more excited to watch his cousins open theirs i really realized this holiday season that i miss my family tremendously i wish my parents could have seen more of my son throughout the first year of his life we ve started facetime ing with them a bit more often my mom works crazy hours though and she doesn t get to see wyatt as often as my dad does he made strange with her on christmas morning and it just broke my heart we really enjoyed vacation with my brother though i want to make an effort to visit my family more often each year guess what come on this is an easy one we are still breastfeeding co sleeping and cloth diapering we might try to transition wyatt onto milk at daycare and his toddler bed for naps he hated the crib so we converted it the other day we aren t really in a rush we keep chatting about it but haven t actively pursued either yet as for me i m still working on getting clear as to what it is i m destined to do for my career i ve been successfully freelancing and consulting since september i have a few opportunities in front of me i m trying my best to listen to my intuition on which one lights me up and fits our family needs going through infertility loosing a baby birthing a beautiful rainbow baby and watching him grow over this past year has given me a new perspective on life i spent so many years angry resentful ashamed hurt grieving and feeling guilty infertility and loss will always be a part of our life a part of our story but i m not willing to let the darkness overcome me i will go with the ebbs and the flows of my feelings but my son deserves to live in a home full of light i ve decided my word for the year 2017 is create and i plan to create a life full of happiness love joy and passion happy holidays all the best to you in 2017 xoxo lindsey share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x like loading posted in uncategorized tagged career family first year infertility motherhood rainbow baby dec 29 12 month update posted by awaiting autumn 5 well since wyatt is 13 months old in 5 days i d say this update is long overdue i ve been so disconnected from wordpress lately for those of you who i have on facebook or instagram i try to keep up on there turns out chasing after a toddler and running my own business take up way more time than i anticipated i considered whether it was the end of awaiting autumn but i don t feel like i m ready to make that decision i still have a lot to say about infertility and pregnancy loss i d like to keep this going for now at least wyatt s now been in daycare for well over 2 months some days he s there for a full 8 hours other days it s only a half day or so i try to keep him home with me one day a week if i can fit it in he absolutely loves daycare and all his friends he s adjusted so well turns out my kid is way more extroverted than both my husband and i we joke that we can t believe how much energy he has sometimes mike is quickly learning that coming home from work no longer means downtime my social butterfly is doing well with other kids i noticed how much daycare has changed him when his one little friend came over for a playdate wyatt basically went up to him and gave him a hug before starting daycare he was much more apprehensive about other kids he totally loves being around people but sometimes needs his quiet time too the daycare ladies have told me that he doesn t like it when other kids are upset or if it s too loud after his nap time i joke this is his sensitive nature coming out the sickness trend continues wyatt s been sick every other week since starting daycare last week was pink eye i ve never been so sick myself i know i need to focus on self care a bit more translation not working late nights to ensure i keep us both healthy wyatt started taking steps about a month ago he s not walking all the time yet but he definitely is walking unassisted he s so proud of himself for learning how to do it he s also turned into a major bookworm his favourite activity is reading he has books in our bedroom the living room the kitchen the bathroom the car basically everywhere the first thing he does every morning is reach for a book it warms my heart to see him so engaged in reading he would rather read a book than watch tv if he s having a bad day or i really need to get something done i ll sometimes stream sesame street for him he s also talking quite a bit more his vocabulary includes mama dada max bella buh bye uh oh what yeah and he makes a few animal sounds like baaa mooo eeekeek monkey he also blows kisses which is something daycare taught him guess what we are still co sleeping cloth diapering and breastfeeding bet you didn t see that one coming haha i am doing good at keeping up with pumped bottles for daycare so we haven t done any transition to milk yet i miss my little baby i often look at photos of wyatt when he was fresh and wish i could hold him like that again but i m amazed at the smart caring and sensitive little boy he s becoming as for me i m good life is crazy right now i m working on finding balance it s been an enlightening process running my own business these days i m focused on clarity intention and boundaries i m learning a lot especially how to trust in the flow of life that sense of trust is definitely something i acquired after facing infertility my type a personality has shifted i m also living more in the moment we spent so long so many years focused on trying to get our baby here i want to soak up these moments before we blink and he s all grown up we booked a family vacation next month to florida we re meeting my brother and his family there wyatt will get to play with his cousins and we can visit with some of my husband s family who live nearby as well i ve never taken a trip like this especially not one that was booked so spontaneously it feels great to know i can do this and that i can set my own schedule to make it happen life is good i am so blessed share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x like loading posted in uncategorized tagged 12 month update daycare motherhood rainbow baby toddler transition nov 19 and some things stay the same posted by awaiting autumn 11 i still frequently go to acupuncture my acupuncturist is an amazing woman who has helped me on so many levels beyond just fertility today at my appointment i told her that i ve just been exhausted lately i attributed it to staying up past midnight for a week straight being the mom of a one year old running my own business the change in seasons and you know the full moon she asked if there was a possibility i could be pregnant i told her there was a chance isn t there always when you aren t using birth control but it was like a 0 01 chance my gut said not pregnant well curiosity always gets the best of me i dug around in the bathroom cupboard and found an ultra sensitive pregnancy test you know one of ones from my ectopic days that literally detect anything it was even expired i peed on it anyway do you get where this is going i ain t no magical unicorn i m just a regular in fertile woman who can t resist the urge to poas i still don t have my period one year postpartum due to breastfeeding i clearly need to get to bed earlier and listen to my gut whomp whomp whomp hi single red line i didn t miss you you little bitch share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x like loading posted in uncategorized tagged breastfeeding infertility motherhood trying to conceive unexplained infertility oct 17 the grief of what could have been posted by awaiting autumn 3 an amazing piece by the amazing justine please take the time to watch and listen as we move into pregnancy and infant loss awareness day tomorrow i guarantee at least one part will resonate with you source the grief of what could have been share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x like loading posted in uncategorized oct 14 film photography project this is miscarriage posted by awaiting autumn 0 this morning my dad called he mentioned how it was my uncle s birthday i asked if he remembered what else today was he claimed he couldn t remember it was awkward until he finally caved and said i know this is the day you lost the baby i didn t want to bring it up and upset you i told him that it never upsets me to hear you mention my baby it is a blessing to know that you remember her too and that is why i am so vocal about my loss my own family can t even get how to deal with it two years ago today we lost our first baby due to an ectopic pregnancy my life will never be the same there s a ache and a longing in my heart but i ve transformed through my grief i ve found my voice and i m passionate about helping other women through their struggle this month i am a part of a local film project called this is miscarriage it s based on a poem written by a woman named laura after her 3rd loss it features the stories of 10 women including myself who experienced pregnancy loss even though each of our stories is unique the emotions we ve felt along the way are common there is a sense of understanding and compassion that is so strong among bereaved mothers i m proud to join hands within the baby loss community these women are some of the the strongest i ve ever met stay tuned i ll share the video once it goes live share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x like loading posted in uncategorized tagged baby loss ectopic pregnancy this is miscarriage oct 07 11 month update posted by awaiting autumn 8 ugh folks i have an 11 month old we are one month away from toddler status this month wyatt has been going to daycare part time for 6 weeks has been sick for 3 out of the past 6 weeks bad cold fever croup did i mention i love daycare germs loves the swings at the park and reading books waves goodbye and gives high fives is almost standing on his own unassisted gets himself down from the bed or the couch can crawl up and down the stairs absolutely loves making music we have daily jam sessions with his shakers drum and xylophone has become a bit of a daddy s boy is still co sleeping breastfeeding and in cloth diapers this past month mommy has been transitioning back to work self employed this time is learning that working from home with a baby is hard especially when he is sick is feeling the...