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description=Because raising boys shouldn’t feel this hard. Practical support for moms parenting sons in a world that misunderstands boys. Click to read Building Boys Bulletin, by Jennifer L.W. Fink, a Substack publication with thousands of subscribers.;
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about his brother or wants to help someone solve a problem notice the loyalty beneath his anger and the tenderness he may disguise with a joke or shrug don t assume that an awkward response means an absence of feeling boys often care more deeply than they know how to express then help him build the skills he ll need to act on that care invite him into the work of family life not just the chores but the caregiving let him soothe a crying child cook for someone who s sick check in on a grandparent and repair a relationship after an argument talk with him about friendship loneliness love and what it means to be a good partner teach him that asking for help isn t weakness and that caring for others doesn t require him to erase his own needs if our boys want marriage children and close relationships and the evidence suggests that many of them do then we owe them more than warnings about sex and consent we owe them honest conversations about how to create and sustain the connections they crave our job isn t to convince boys to care it s to recognize that they already do and help them become men who know what to do with that care here s to building boys jen in the news a digital divide in american adolescence gender class the new teenage experience highlights a majority 55 percent of teen boys say that girls at their school receive more encouragement and support than boys do only 37 percent of teen girls agree with this assessment nearly three in 10 28 percent teen boys raised by parents without college degrees say they spend an average of four or more hours a day playing video games among teen boys with college educated parents only 19 percent play video games this often forty one percent of older teen boys say they have used an ai chatbot for personal advice at some point less than one third of younger teen boys 30 percent have used ai for advice sixty percent of teen girls say they are planning on attending a four year college or university after finishing high school while only 36 percent of teen boys say the same teen boys also express a good deal more uncertainty about their future than teen girls do nearly a quarter 23 percent of boys report not knowing what they want to do after graduation compared with only 14 percent of girls the only life goal that teen boys express greater certainty about is having children close to half 47 percent of teen boys say they are very or extremely likely to have children at some point in their life compared with 38 percent of teen girls teen boys are somewhat more likely than teen girls to believe marriage and parenthood are critical components of a good life fifty three percent of teen boys including 58 percent of older teen boys say getting married and having children are an essential part of having a successful life beyond toxic masculinity building a culture of care highlights if there is one place we believe a more expansive vision of manhood must begin it is with care n ot because care is the whole of masculinity there is a reason we speak of masculinities plural rather than masculinity singular but because the skills relationships and values that make care possible are among the most durable foundations for navigating the world today the conversation around male care is bustling right now especially so around fatherhood the data are affirming that fathers today are spending significantly more time with their children than the generations before them we must leverage this moment responding vigorously and affirmatively that care is the driving force for what boys and young men today should aspire to embody in their relationships in their communities and for those who become parents in fatherhood this 1 big concern about raising boys didn t really exist 30 years ago highlights the words incels alpha and manosphere never crossed abby eckel s mind when she was pregnant with her two sons now that the boys are 8 and 10 on the cusp of their teenage years keeping them away from the manosphere is sometimes all she and her husband can think about countering all of these outside influences is exhausting on a scale that i was never prepared for in raising sons eckel said payal desai s sons are even younger 5 and 9 years old but she s already worried about one of them stumbling down the pipeline of misogyny or equally dark views through tiktok youtube shorts or a seemingly innocuous gaming chat 8 14 1 share previous next what boys need most building boys on idaho matters jennifer l w fink aug 05 2026 7 1 1 share yesterday i joined idaho matters host yep it finally happened and fellow boy mom gemma gaudette to talk about the paperback release of building boys and the challenges facing boys today we covered a lot in 26 minute s including why differences in the pace of male and female development matter how we sometimes treat boys as problems to manage rather than children to nurture why letting boys struggle helps them develop resilience what emotional intelligence actually looks like in everyday life why video games may be a more meaningful source of connection than adults realize gemma also shared a wonderfully relatable story about learning that her college bound son had been assigned two roommates her immediate instinct was to help him fix the situation photo by los muertos crew via pexels her husband s response he can figure it out sometimes that s exactly what our boys need from us the opportunity to figure it out and the confidence that comes from discovering that they can but the biggest theme of our conversation was connection after years of interviewing researchers educators and experts i keep coming back to the same conclusion the most important thing boys need to thrive is connection you can listen to our conversation here the challenges facing boys and what parents can do to help if it resonates please share it with another parent educator or person who cares about boys share and of course building boys is now available in paperback here s to building boys jen p s if you wanna hear more from me gemma she was our guest on on boys podcast in 2023 you can listen or download the episode here 7 1 1 share previous next the easiest way to raise boys ditch the script building boys bulletin 8 3 26 jennifer l w fink aug 04 2026 8 5 1 share i was supposed to be on idaho matters an idaho public radio show today talking about building boys which comes in in paperback on thursday the host of the show gemma gaudette is also a mom of boys we connected after we were both part of a 2019 cbsn documentary raising boys given all that s happened since then we thought it d be a great time to reconnect talk about raising boys but as recently as yesterday evening i didn t know if the show would be a go a lot s been going on in idaho wildfires a mass shooting at an in n out burger men are on the frontlines of all of things but given the need to convey timely information it wasn t clear there d be time to discuss a book about helping boys become great guys the producer assured me the slot was still secure we did the sound check and all was well when i dialed in an hour later for the segment i learned they were having internet problems the producer was apologetic asked if we could reschedule for later this week i said yes absolutely and then laughed to myself because raising boys has prepared me well to navigate unexpected challenges and changes raising boys almost never goes according to plan has your parenting journey gone the way you expected i m betting not nearly every parent i know who s willing to speak honestly admits that their parenting reality is not quite what they imagined there are unexpected challenges diagnoses complex family relationships completely wild situations that are so beyond anything we ever knew possible and then of course there s the simple fact that your son the human being didn t get or read your script he came into the world with his own innate drives and talents and his vision for his life may be very different than yours that can be a hard thing for a parent to accept understand especially in our boys early years as we re still learning how to parent and later as we wrestle with our desire to shape and mold our boys in a world that has very strong if conflicting opinions about how boys should should not behave but inevitably life will present you with a challenge or obstacle you can t ignore something that makes it virtually impossible to parent as you d once imagined something or many somethings will ultimately force you to scratch your once neat and tidy plan and improvise it s not easy for most moms to let go enjoy the ride improvisation by definition is making or doing something without any prior planning using whatever materials and ideas are present at that moment that s real world parenting in a nutshell that can be an uncomfortable space especially for type a perfectionist moms who want everything to go perfectly so their kids can turn out perfectly it s very difficult for moms who control so many variables in their families lives to accept that we um can t control everything that we re in uncharted territory and need to figure things out as we go especially when the stakes feel so high we re raising boys who will become men after all but you can t control the uncontrollable and you can t force your boy or anyone else to do what you d like sooner or later you learn the power of letting go of your preconceived notions you learn to ditch the script and instead parent the son you have to respond to him as a unique human instead of treating him as project to be managed photo by tima miroshnichenko via pexels it took me approximately 12 years and four boys to get to that point it likely would have taken longer if my boys hadn t literally outnumbered me 4 to 1 because i likely would have spent even more time trying to control every little thing if i only had one or two kids as outnumbered as i was i simply couldn t i had to let go of things i had to improvise despite myself i learned flexibility i learned how to bend and rebound how to rejigger plans how to reorient and adapt because i had to over over over again so when a producer asked me if i could reschedule a radio appearance i was ready yes of course as of right now i m scheduled to be on idaho matters aug 4 noonish mt going with the flow is actually the easiest way to raise boys ditching the plan and going with the flow improvising in real time in response to your son and any challenges you face is actually the easiest way to raise boys in my opinion it s far easier than trying to get your son and life to stick to some preconceived script it s also a whole lot more fun because you re not wasting your time and emotional energy trying to get get others to fit your plan you re present and therefore better able to see enjoy and embrace moments of joy you re learning and growing together improvisation in parenting is bit like improvisation for the stage i think you get better with practice and you can build your ability and confidence by building your skills remember improvisation uses whatever materials and ideas are present at that moment add some additional materials and ideas and you ve expanded your capacity that s one way i can help you i do my best to bring you the latest ideas tools and materials related to building boys my challenge to you this week drop the script in at least one situation let go of your idea of how it s supposed to go that might mean letting your son complete a task his way even if his process looks inefficient or slightly ridiculous to you it might mean pausing in the middle of an argument and asking yourself what s actually going on here rather than continuing to push for the response you expected maybe bedtime has become a nightly battle maybe your son doesn t want to participate in the activity you were certain he d love maybe the chore chart that looks perfectly reasonable to you simply does not work for him pick one point of friction and get curious ask yourself what am i trying to make happen here is that outcome truly necessary or am i attached to a particular version of how this should look what does my son s behavior tell me about what he needs right now then work with what s actually in front of you this isn t the same as abandoning expectations or letting your son do whatever he wants improvisation still has structure you can hold onto your values boundaries and ultimate goal while changing your approach the radio interview didn t happen when or how we planned but the conversation isn t canceled we re simply trying again with the people technology and time available to us in life the goal isn t to make everything go according to plan it s to keep responding adapting learning and growing when it doesn t here s to building boys jen in the news raising good gamers what families need to know about video games well being highlights there is no magic number of hours that separates healthy from unhealthy gaming a player who leads a team to victory in a cooperative video game is practicing the same core skills they ll use during group projects at school communication delegation resilience strategy and patience if kids fear that reporting a problem means losing video gaming privileges entirely they will handle difficult situations alone rather than asking for help when they need it most families should consider professional help if video gaming consistently interferes with sleep school or relationships a child becomes extremely distressed when unable to play video gaming appears primarily as a way to avoid difficult emotions or significant mood or behavior changes seem tied to video gaming over a significant period of time the boys we forget to see what working in juvenile hall taught me about complex care highlights the young men were emotionally perceptive and intuitive about authenticity in adults they could tell the difference between someone performing compassion and someone offering it in education we often say relationships matter but we sometimes speak as if students owe us immediate relational access they do not our responsibility is not to insist that they trust us it is to become trustworthy enough to receive their trust the greatest opportunity for change begins when a young person looks into the eyes of a trusted adult and sees reflected back not a charge a label or a file but the strongest and most hopeful version of himself how to be a man highlights teenage boys need a safe space for messy sometimes politically incorrect conversations this is one of the hardest times to be an adolescent male in human history says clinical psychologist and associate professor at the university of melbourne zac seidler we ve created an entire cultural movement around girl power which literally shifted their education and employment outcomes but we re sleepwalking our way into the next generation of boys potentially being even more stifled and unsupported than the previous generation when ...