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get to be such a handsome guy he started orchestra this morning and had to be at the middle school an hour before his siblings then he gets bussed back to the elementary school for some reason this makes me feel like he has gotten incredibly old between 4th and 5th grade oh how i love this little man of mine fearless decided to photo bomb t man s before school pic nice t man laughingly disagreed with the antics this little lovey is the one that every time i think about spending a whole day at school makes me want to grab her and run away to the beach where we would splash in the waves and fly kites all day long for the rest of our lives oh how i love this little lady of mine this little monkey insisted on holding his sign upside down trying to get him to take a regular pic is pointless we embrace the silliness instead oh how i love this little man of mine i tried to get a picture of at least two of them together but miss b would have nothing to do with that and so we headed off to school where fearless walked into his class sat with his friends and barely said goodbye to me as i watched miss b walk into her class my throat caught and the panic started settling in there are twenty nine kids in her class ohhh boy she sat right down started on her work and was totally happy to be there i was bawling in the commons i almost pulled a marlin from finding nemo and grabbed her and said maybe we ll just try again next year but i didn t this is the best thing for her right tell me yes tell me this was the right placement for her still can t breathe at 1 29 pm 2 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest thursday august 14 2014 adventures in educationland can t breathe the other night i had a dream where miss banana and i were walking in the shallow part of a lake she was holding my hand as we enjoyed the water lapping at our legs all of the sudden we slipped under the water and it was as if we were riding a slide down into the lake at first it was fun the water whooshing past sunlight filtering through the warm water smiles and giggles from my girl but we kept sliding and sliding rushing deeper and deeper into the lake the temperature plummeted the water became dark and oppressive panic overwhelmed us both as we were deposited on the bottom of the lake with an unceremonious thud can t breathe i grabbed my girl and frantically started pushing to the surface the tears from both of us were lost in the surrounding water i kicked and swam and reached and fought hard to get us to the surface and just as the water was starting to get warmer and light was shining through i woke up i didn t get to find out if we made it to the surface or not back in reality i was shivering and panicky earlier that evening i had been talking to dr c about miss b starting fully included kindergarten in a few days and how i feel as if we are throwing her into the deep end and hoping she ll swim i am sure my dream was a reflection of those worries miss b is cute and funny and smart and happy but miss b is also largely non verbal will run to the next state if given the smallest opportunity and struggles to stay on task what will kindergarten be like for her can t breathe will she make friends will her teacher and aide get her are we sacrificing academics for inclusion am i expecting too much from her am i expecting too little will she tell someone when she needs to go potty will she steal food from the other kids when their food looks more appetizing than hers will she be a full member of the classroom will she be seen as the baby will she get sick more often will she work when she s supposed to work will she be too tired will she follow the rules will she answer questions will other kids take the time to try to learn what she is trying to say will she be happy can t breathe it begins monday can t breathe at 10 21 pm 2 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest sunday april 6 2014 five on this day five years ago i woke up early on that drizzly monday morning knowing it was time to go to the hospital my due date had come and gone the day before and i had an induction scheduled for thursday but my little lady was ready to come now at the hospital i was excited and terrified we knew miss b had down syndrome we knew miss b had a congenital heart defect that would require surgery soon after birth we knew that we really knew nothing it felt like we were just holding our breath just waiting for the vast expanse of possibilities of what her life could be like to narrow down into what her life would be like could she die during birth could she die during heart surgery could she run and play and have friends and talk and be happy we didn t know we didn t know any thing and now five years later we still don t know but we have a lot better idea we know that life can be unexpected we know the weight of all consuming worry for a child we know the halls of hospitals and we know to make friends with the nurses we know the patience needed while anticipating the next milestone we know the joy of celebrating every achievement we know the acronyms that swirl during meetings about the education of our child we know the best hugs we know princesses and pink and skirts and dresses and love of new clothes we know enthusiasm we know sign language we know speech therapists occupational therapists physical therapists and the differences between them all we know true friendships we know how to accept help we know stubbornness and frustration we know the magic school bus we know barbies we know how to play we know that when it s time to sleep sleep we know that an extra chromosome is not a big deal and is a huge deal we know differences and similarities weave the world together we know the possibilities are endless we know happiness is a choice we know there is a lot more to learn we know that our miss b will go far in her life and we are blessed to be along for the ride happy birthday miss banana you rock our world at 8 49 pm 5 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest monday march 31 2014 other medical adventures more dr c and i made the pilgrimage back to iowa last week for my first check up with dr brains in over a year the good doctor had wanted to see me one year post op but since i was largely pregnant with little miss z at the time we rescheduled to one week after miss z s due date but when miss zell decided to take her sweet time leaving her first home there would have only been 5 days between her birth and when we would have to take a 5 hour drive with 4 kids in the middle of winter and miss z was struggling to gain weight was tongue tied had has milk protein intolerance plus it was just a few days before christmas not happening so we rescheduled again this time having to wait all the way until last week dr c and i were fairly confident that this was just a routine check up i d do my relaxing mri we d schmooze with dr brains a bit and then back home before dr c had to be at a meeting for work the next morning all was going according to plan i fell asleep during the mri yes it s true even though it is wicked noisy and sounds like they are trying to jack hammer your head but i m a mom and when you get the chance to lay totally still for 45 minutes with no one asking your for anything or needing anything from you you sleep just a fact of life the tech didn t pull me into the sad closet again so i knew i had passed the first big hurdle and that nothing major showed up on my scan we dropped the girls off at our friend s house the boys stayed with my sister and headed into dr brains i had a few questions for him just some symptoms that i thought were a little off but that i was 98 positive he would tell me were no big deal and were just my new normal the nurse took dr c and i back to the room we were cracking jokes thinking it would all be over in a few minutes and was it really worth the 5 hour drive just to have dr brains tell me i was fine but then the nurse asked me if i had any questions so i told her about my little oddities that i wanted to talk about and she kinda stopped joking after that i honestly didn t really think anything of it because i am fine dr brains walked in and asked me to describe in detail my symptoms as soon as i was finished he immediately told me those symptoms were not normal and that i was not fine he called a neurologist and consulted with him a bit about me determined that i needed to have and eeg done and that i needed to see the neurologist for more follow up as an after thought he told me my mri looked great my brain had mostly expanded back into the big spot where my alien had been and that he didn t need to see me again for 2 years gee thanks so now on to more testing on to more doctors on to more pictures of my brain on to more wondering what is going on inside my head here s hoping that dr brains is just overly cautious and that it his concerns are nothing more than that oy more at 8 30 pm 1 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest friday march 14 2014 layers when i was growing up and we would drive the 17 hours to visit my grandparents house in utah i fondly remember sitting in their living room listening to the chatter grandad telling stories about growing up on the ranch in colorado gram sharing her opinion on domestic things favorite family stories retold with embellishment and laughter and love when i went to college and lived a scant 15 minutes away from them i would visit them for dinner which was always fabulous gram would take me into the kitchen and put me to work teaching me about lighter than air dinner rolls and that there should always be freezer jam ready to use after the abundant meal including dessert grandad would try to convince everyone that we should eat dessert first but gram would always make him wait until the end we d move into the living room where grandad would teach me about politics and economics and living the gospel with gram sharing her experiences and life lessons alongside him i miss them so when my grandad passed away last spring on miss b s birthday a few years after my gram had passed away and their house had to be sorted out and sold the only thing that i wanted was a picture that had been hanging on the wall in that living room for as long as i could remember the picture is made up of several pieces of paper each cut in different ways then layered together to make an image of a bouquet of flowers as a child i would stare at that picture for hours during the family talks amazed by the intricate cutting trying to figure out what each piece of paper would look like if they were separated fascinated by the layering all the pieces together to make one beautiful whole it is all i wanted to remember them by my mom didn t tell me that she had gotten this picture for me i thought it was gone but when she came for miss z s blessing day she brought it as a baby gift for our new little one to me it represents my time with them it reminds me of the layers of family history and and our relationships my grandparents my parents me my children each generation layering a complex and beautiful addition to the final product that is our family when we were expecting our little miss zell we wanted her to have a connection to the layers of our family history which is why we choose my gram s name for miss z s middle name it was our way to line up those layers of our family to continue making that beautiful whole with our children adding their layer to the top it was inspired and surprising and perfect to have this picture be the baby gift for my gram s namesake while i wish that my grandparents could have been here for miss z s blessing day having my favorite thing to remember them by was as good as i could get my sister whitney and her family my parents us and dr c s parents whitney s husband was taking the picture miss z wearing the blessing gown that my mom made for me when i was blessed miss b also wore it for her blessing day that dress also has layers could she be any cuter no i think not too bad she screamed through her whole blessing though there is something inside each of us that wants our personal journey to add another layer to the complexity of life stories that came before us while also adding another layer for those that come after us to build upon it is a part of us that yearns for a link to our past and a connection to our future as we add layer after layer our parents story our parents parents story our children s story our children s children s story we make a beautiful whole picture miss z is just beginning to add her layer and i am excited to see what it will look like at 1 26 pm 0 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest monday march 3 2014 surfacing when i was little my sister and i used head to the pool and try to recreate that scene from disney s the little mermaid where ariel first bursts out of the water after she gets legs for those of you with small children at home you know exactly what i m talking about for those of you aren t in the disney movie stage here s the synopsis ariel the little mermaid is suddenly given legs and lungs by the sea witch and she frantically rushes to the surface of the ocean when she emerges and takes her first breath as a human she triumphantly flips her hair and begins her new life yeah i kinda feel like that except with less sparkles having a new baby and readjusting all the family dynamics in the middle of a very long cold snowy germ infested winter was kind of like being dropped into the depths of the ocean without scuba gear and as a bonus there were sharks that came in the form of sleepless nights baby feeding woes milk protein intolerance reflux mastitis and just plain ol exhaustion anytime you add a new little person to your family there are some growing pains and miss z had her share during the first six weeks or so in fact those first six weeks were downright brutal as in sunk to the bottom brutal not that we didn t have fun while we were visiting the bottom of the ocean because we did there was the annual chocolate dipping activity and our christmas eve clam chowder dinner followed by new pajamas for christmas eve wow this picture is really yellow i should edit it and fix it but since i m thinking i m doing good just to upload it editing will not happen sorry folks you ll just have to imagine our life not quite this yellow and of course we celebrated christmas and then took our time cleaning up after christmas exploded in our living room dr c finished building our entertainment center i went to a furniture store picked out an entertainment center that i liked dr c looked at it drew up some plans bought the wood and built this for me he even endured some crazy cold out in the garage while he was sanding staining sealing it so that it would be done by the time christmas break was over ...