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mer i spent in san francisco on the other side of that coin is the saying the hottest summer i ever experienced was the winter i spent in kuwait at some point last night or this morning or late tonight we landed in kuwait and now we are in lovely camp arifjan anyone who has been there knows that arifjan loosely translates into english as who needs water or color or joy but that s a loose translation the real news today is that our difficult relationship with those guys airlines has come to an end and now we can get on with the business of reaching our final destination but first we will have an opportunity to sleep on an actual bed with an actual mattress that makes actual noise and without an actual armrest to crush our actual hips i had a short but restful night that involved a quick shower a walk through the dark in shower shoes and an unending battle with dust sticking to my recently clean feet and you don t know the value of a good pillow until you don t have one i assume the headache will eventually subside still the adventure continues we took a bus from camp arifjan to ali al saleem air base which was a quick 3 hour torture fest wherein my tailbone became acquainted with the higher portions of my spinal column due to the excellence of the kuwaiti roads coupled with the smooth abilities and calm demeanor of the bus driver it was more of an old school roller coaster than an actual bus ride it was the kind of ride that really makes your body feel its age mine is currently 124 soon we arrived at our destination and were peeled out of our chairs i use the word chair very loosely we grounded our gear and headed for the dining facility where we were treated to a meal that would make my grandma cry it was the first of many such meals here i use the word meal very loosely after which we returned to the terminal to hurriedly wait for 6 hours or so it was during this time that i became acutely aware that my tailbone and shoulder were becoming lovers finally we boarded a c 17 and made the flight all the way to al udeid air base in qatar to offer some perspective this would be like waiting in san jose for 6 hours to fly to fresno in a screaming refrigerator so in addition to everything between mid thigh and adam s apple hurting my ears are in open rebellion but we were back on the ground and that s always nice at least it was for a while when we first arrived in al udeid we were told we d have to wait 4 5 hours because c 17s take a while to prep for flight and we seemed to have unexpectedly materialized out of thin air so nothing was ready for us and this being qatar which is habitually manned by various qataris we were not allowed to leave the passenger terminal for anything or we could possibly be detained and have to go through customs and qatari customs doesn t play eventually after another brief 6 hours on the ground we unexpectedly started to get hungry as our last meal was breakfast i use that word very loosely in kuwait however the food fairy was hard at work and in no time at all i use that phrase very loosely our hungry bodies were provided frozen turkey sandwiches yes still frozen bruised fruit meat sticks actually open and stale potato chips and pop tarts r needless to say the pop tarts r went first oh and that coffee we didn t get we didn t get any that means i was hungry had a killer headache and the incredible hulk was about to make an appearance as we stood and waited and sat and waited and pretended to eat and waited we became acutely aware that the flow of information was somewhat lacking and because we had unexpectedly materialized out of thin air there was no american aircrew to fly us in one of the 15 or so c 17s parked right outside the passenger terminal nevertheless a fix was in the works a qatari royal air force crew had been identified to fly us to our final destination i have nothing against the qatari royal air force but it s not a real confidence builder when we re told they didn t want to take the job because they had never flown so many people at one time so after waiting approximately 10 12 hours in the passenger terminal our flight manifested at 0400 and was scheduled to lift off at 0800 for another 3 5 hour tailbone torture fest finally the hour we had worked toward had come we began the boarding process for the final leg to our final destination the anticipation in the air was palpable as people came alive with joy once in our seats the qatari loadmaster said something in extremely broken english which i m told was please buckle your seat belts as though it matters and with that we began to slowly taxi to the runway where we sat for another 30 minutes while the crew did stuff then out of nowhere the loadmaster said something else which included the words return broken and 1 hour at this point we had to just laugh while simultaneously crying but true to their word almost exactly one hour later we were taking off and headed to parts unknown it would be nice to say that s really all that happened on the trip from sheol but i can t make that unfounded and patently false claim given that we had slept rather fitfully for a grand total of about 4 hours in the past 4 days we were all very tired so as usual once the plane reached its max altitude we unbuckled and found an open patch of floor to stretch out and try to sleep through the flight little did we know that the qatari royal air force seems to enjoy the interior of their planes at a comfortable zero kelvin it s amazing how hard it is to sleep as molecular motion grinds to a halt i ve been in some cold places before but i don t recall ever being that cold it was as though we had passed through dante s 9th circle of hell still by the end of the day as we began to thaw we landed in beautiful afghanistan for a nice long vacation and i can t complain 18 years of warfare means we ve had time to improve living conditions creature comforts office space and meals but i use those terms loosely posted by chaplain lewis at 4 38 am 1 comment sunday december 02 2018 efficient gagging it could be argued that every culture has a trait or characteristic that defines its people to the rest of the world for instance there are the kayan people of myanmar that stretches the necks of their women from an early age as a sign of beauty or the mursi of ethiopia that put huge disks in their bottom lip as a sign of not being able to use as drinking straw or even the sentinelese tribe of north sentinel island that is known for killing you then there are the german people of germany known worldwide for sausages made from anything driving 200 in a 35 zone and gagging on their own language and efficiency germans are among the most efficient people in the world they are so efficient they only need to actually go to work 1 day a month but what a day this level of efficiency can be both a blessing and a curse for instance in a single layover i experienced both our flight on the airline that shall not be named made what was supposed to have been a quick pit stop in niderhosen am obergach just saying it made me gag the prospect of landing and escaping the jaws of the 737 of doom was thrilling immediately upon seeing the fasten restraining system sign turned off i and 200 of my best friends fellow prisoners stood to our feet in anticipation of waiting it was almost like when you take your dog out first thing in the morning and he rushes the back door as if wedging his nose into the gap between the door and the jamb with 250 000 pounds of pressure will make you open the door any sooner and then you have to fight him to actually get the door open so he can get out so it was that we rushed the door where we stood for approximately 6 days finally the door opened and we caught our first breath of fresh german air the terminal was well lit and inviting the snack bar was open where you could buy a cup of coffee for 1500 pfensters or a sausage made from something or you could purchase mementos of your time in niderhosen am obergach i think i just gagged again such as a t shirt that said i think i just gagged and then we settled in for the standard 6 28 hour wait while our extra parched plane roamed around the airport looking for water however given the efficiency of the characteristically efficient german people we only had to wait 7 235 magna seconds before we were efficiently stuffed back into our own personal 737 sized flying metal sausage soon we were in the air again dreaming of not being in the air again and fidgeting for comfort as efficiently as we could posted by chaplain lewis at 1 44 pm no comments saturday december 01 2018 mephistopheles airlines as mentioned in a previous post we gathered on day 2 after saying good bye to loved ones for the second time in as many days at 0300 this gave us just enough time to pretend to get 5 hours of sleep before gaining accountability boarding busses and heading for the plane once again it is worth noting here that we have been a nation at war for over 15 years one would think that would be ample time to develop the deploying process into something of a science one would be incorrect enter atlas airlines they are to travel what sociology is to science the people of atlas airlines pilots flight attendants water dudes seemed nice enough however i think it would be safe to say that the motto of atlas airlines should be sit vis nobiscum which is latin for you only had one job after the debacle the previous night the universe was desirous of making it up to us and as luck would have it the morning went relatively quickly here relatively is meant to elicit a comparison to something that stands in direct contrast to the thing being compared in this case that would be relative to every other second since the dawn of man and so after a reasonable wait again as compared to the whole of human history we were on our plane and airborne fortuitously i was able to procure a seat in the bulkhead with no seat mate to hinder my ability catch up on some much needed rest which i assumed would be relatively simple there s that word again as it turned out i did indeed have a seat mate his name was mephistopheles and unlike every other row in the plane the bulkhead seats have much more leg room and arm rests that are locked in place by the prince of darkness himself so for the duration of the first leg of our trip i attempted to sit sleep fit in a seat i like to call the iron maiden the 2 hour flight to kentucky to pick up some more friends lasted a relatively short 37 hours see what i did there once on the ground we were informed by the fine people of sociology airlines we ll be on the ground for 2 3 hours while we refuel and restock the plane and then we ll be back on our way as i freed myself from the torturous confines of the maiden my tailbone began what would turn out the biggest fight of my life more on that later limping into the terminal i looked forward to the day i could begin to look forward to the day i would retrace my steps home the 2 3 hour wait quickly became 5 6 hours and the natives were growing restless after much inquiring we were told by the fine people one job airlines that we could not depart because wait for it the tank for flushing the toilets was not full enough for a trans atlantic flight so as we sat watching it rain water everywhere we couldn t help but note the irony in the dry interior of said plane s septic system but not to worry after much consideration thought and counsel the good people at dry flush airlines decided to purchase several cases of bottled water and put them in the lavatories as something of a manual flush system brilliant it was at this point that they began to discuss the vagaries of crew rest and the impact of two hundred angry and tired travelers and so we finally headed back to the plane double in number hungry and tired pretending we didn t need to use the latrine the coming 8 hour flight would cure us of that as for me i gingerly remounted my dear friend the iron maiden and waited for the spine searing pain that was most definitely in my future once airborne for approximately 1 hour the crew began serving dinner which consisted of 3 ounces of fruit cocktail in juice the choice of a soggy baloney or soggy ham sandwich and what i believe was meant to be a random condiment so it was that after dinner i settled in for what would prove to be a relatively short nap a war raged between mephistopheles the iron maiden and my tailbone posted by chaplain lewis at 1 43 pm no comments friday november 30 2018 pending a two step journey the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step when deploying that single step is saying good bye to kids spouses and even dogs for even the hardest among us the hours leading up to those last few moments are an emotional ride on a generally bumpy road so with that in mind i and approximately 100 of my closest friends arrived at the appointed time in the appointed place wearing the appointed uniform with the appointed stuff this initial gathering was early enough in the day so as to allow maximum lack of sleep the night before as well as ensure we had the required 26 minutes to check in and draw more required gear before spending the next 3 hours taking that first painful awkward step this is not a random occurrence but a carefully calculated huddle designed to ensure that everyone begins their thousand mile journey as asleep deprived emotional cripple final good byes were said and final kisses bestowed as kids cried and spouses cried and warriors stoically walked to deny crying because i got something in my eye at last with a final glance we loaded busses and pulled away bound for the airport and a quick flight to the bowels of the middle east once at the airport the fun began in earnest starting with a lecture from the lecture guy that s his official title about how it s ok to take rifles and pistols on board our pending aircraft but knives nail clippers and shivs would be promptly confiscated safety third after all finally we were weighed with our gear and ushered into a large hollow very echoey hanger like concrete room for a brief wait before boarding our pending plane soon thereafter a delicious stake lunch the term steak would be a misnomer with a side of something resembling extraterrestrial life was provided as we stared at our pending plane blithely staring back at us from the taxiway 300 meters away a mere 8 hours into our brief wait before boarding our pending plane we were again loaded into busses to drive the last 300 yards to our pending plane safety third after all followed my more blithe staring at long last the moment arrived have reported to the family torture chamber at 0700 we were ready to board the pending plane at 1830 which would have been great instead we were informed that an unknown part was broken or damage or working fine and that the crew were mandated a certain amount of rest before they could fly our pending plane anywhere insert wild cu...