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y to separate elbows bring to a boil again reduce heat to medium cook uncovered until tender about 10 minutes drain sauté onion in 1 tbsp of the butter stir onion while adding the mustard salt and peppers set aside in another bowl combine 2 cups cheddar cheese mozzarella cheese 4 tbsp melted butter sour cream half and half and eggs combine macaroni onion mixture cheese mixture and wine place in greased dish sprinkle top with 1 cup cheddar cheese bake 35 minutes from the brain of coal miner s granddaughter at 10 07 pm 5 commenter s labels cooking food me 13 may 2014 little shoes for many years they sat in a cedar chest in the garage i didn t even know of their existence later my father in a fit of nostalgia placed them along with a few other tchotchkes on the kitchen shelves near the back door along with an old can of prince albert tobacco my grandfather s coal miner helmet lamp and a few other flea market finds they sat wilted dry forlorn one day teenage me finally asked where they came from and my father answered those were your aunt gladys shoes aunt gladys aunt gladys i wracked my brain for an aunt gladys i knew about aunts clorine and violet from the scarbro side and i knew about aunts joy elizabeth myrrel barbara lottie and a plethora of others from the berkley half there was no aunt gladys she was my older sister she was born before your uncle curtis 1917 i think she died when she was little our mother was washing clothes and gladys grabbed the edge of the tub to pull herself up and look inside and the tub tipped over and poured the scalding hot water all over her she died my brain froze at that age i couldn t imagine being burned all over my body from head to toe with scalding hot water i thought about all the things that physically happen to you when you are burned sure i had burned a few fingers by this age don t touch that pan it s hot my mother would yell and i would ignore her and touch it with a finger or in my haste to get ready for school the curling iron would barely graze my scalp and i would yelp in pain those burns i knew i tried to imagine those burns all over and i couldn t couldn t grasp it i focused on the injury itself and applied it to myself as all teens do and since i couldn t conceptualize it i shrugged and moved on those shoes stayed on the back shelf even after my father died when my mother moved to georgia they disappeared and i had forgotten of their existence my first cousin tom came to visit over this past easter and we spend most of the weekend sifting through several boxes of old scarbro photographs and there in a white bakery bag sat aunt gladys shoes and i remembered the event that caused her death and i saw it from a different perspective i watched it through the eyes of my grandmother sally a woman who was living a hardscrabble life in a little coal mining town two decades after the turn of the 20th century with minimal medical care and miles from the nearest hospital a woman who watched her only daughter slowly die from a full body scalding and i knew her sorrow in the 1920s when aunt gladys died the norm was not what it is now now when a child or baby dies the parents are allowed to mourn they are allowed to hold the body as long as they need they are encouraged to keep their child s belongings for as long as they want they are encouraged to fully mourn the loss of their child and do what they must to heal i don t think my grandmother had that luxury back then society felt that discarding all the reminders of the child s existence was best forget and move on but she didn t my cousins tell of a tense woman who was extremely over protective of her remaining three boys she wouldn t let them eat sweets she hovered she was a 1920s 30s helicopter mom the surviving pictures i have of grandmother sally show a tiny thin woman who didn t smile and i wonder if that sadness of watching her daughter die did that to her there are no pictures of aunt gladys just her little worn dried leather shoes i know without a doubt that if the worst happened to any of my children i would gather their belongings into a pile and protect them with my life allowing no one to take them or discard them and i wonder if these shoes are all my grandmother had maybe after everyone convinced her to let go of the dresses the toys the ribbons these shoes were the only connection she had to her sweet overly curious daughter someday when i am gone my children will probably throw these little shoes away and that s ok but as a fellow mother i just can t my grandmother became a kindred spirit last month when i opened that white bag and i decided i would keep them for her for every mother who has suffered the ultimate loss and i hug my children a bit more tightly and a bit more often from the brain of coal miner s granddaughter at 8 17 am 2 commenter s labels death kids motherhood 11 may 2014 mother s birth day seven years ago today i became a mother for the third time which was amazing because just three short years before i was convinced i would never be a mother here i tell j man about the day he was born thanks britt happy birthday to my sweet crazy boy i love you and i love that every few years we share a special day from the brain of coal miner s granddaughter at 12 04 pm 1 commenter s labels birthday j man motherhood vlog 23 march 2014 coming out of the closet i am an atheist i guess maybe i should clarify i use atheist because it is more recognizable than humanist or anti theist and calling myself a scientist when people ask what faith i am may imply that i m a christian scientist which i m not do i believe there is something akin to a supreme being in the universe possibly there are many types of life forms just on our planet alone and our universe is so amazingly big and since we may be one of many infinite multi verses then yeah there probably is some sort of life form like the q of star trek who are omnipotent and omnipresent and powerful beyond our wildest imaginings something like a supreme being does this all knowing all seeing god really care about humanity on earth i m guessing not earthquakes in california because he hates gay marriage laws really thirty eight million people on a small section of a small continent on a small planet in the outer rim of a small spiral galaxy in the virgo supercluster of the known universe is really going to matter to an all knowing all powerful multi universal being personally i think no i guess you could say that in this sense i m agnostic do i believe that science can answer all of our questions about the universe and life yes right now we don t have all the answers but that s the great thing about science scientists know they don t have all the answers and if an answer changes they grasp that change they don t fear it someday though not in my lifetime not in my children s lifetimes not in 100 lifetimes i believe scientists will have figured out life and answer the unanswerable that is if humanity lasts long enough to advance our knowledge that far so yeah the identifying answer here is scientist do i believe there s a place for religion in humanity no i feel that overall religion has caused more harm than good i think many times that religion causes prejudices hate fear and stagnation not all of the people i know who are religious are hateful prejudiced fearful or stagnant but religious extremes do cause those things people who kill in the name of religion young earth creationists trying to stop science from being taught in science classrooms hate for other religions colors sexual orientations fear of people who are different who aren t of the same faith religion may teach some morality but it can also teach all those other negative things my answer here is that i m anti theist all together i describe myself as humanist because i have more faith in my fellow human beings and our potential than i have faith in some unseen power that may or may not care about us does that mean that i look down on those people who call themselves christian or muslim or hindu or jewish or buddhist etc no because we all need some kind of faith to get us through life mine is faith in my fellow people your faith may be in god should people who identify themselves with a particular religion look down on me no but i know they will i know atheists humanists are some of the most least trusted people on this planet there are some states and countries that have laws on their books that don t allow atheists to hold public office among other things many people fear or hate atheists i know that once i hit publish on this blog post some of you who read this will think i m a godless immoral horrible person that s fine think of me what you will cut me out of your life because of this but know this i m the same person whom you ve always known i just kept my questioning of religion of god secret from all of you and it is just now at this stage of my life that i feel comfortable enough in my own skin to come out finally and announce who i am please realize that i won t cut you out of my life i won t try to convince you that everyone should be atheists i won t make your religion or my lack thereof the main topic of any of our future conversations i am still the same heather i ve always been and will be the same until i die i will always question always wonder always explore i just want to love be loved celebrate be celebrated and experience everything life has to offer and that includes fellowship with family and friends i m a humanist atheist i love i laugh i rejoice i cry i feel i rage i wonder i gasp at the beauty of an early morning sunrise that bathes the land in oranges pinks and reds i giggle in amazement and joy at watching my children become incredible people i am soothed and calmed when i jump into the ocean on a scuba dive and am constantly surprised by the diversity and beauty of the life just under the surface my mind is blown over the incredible wonder of this planet of ours and the life teeming on it i can still feel all the things those who are faithful feel so turn away from me if you feel that you have to it s ok i get it just remember that we re all spinning on this tiny rock together we need each other it s how we re going to make it through this incredible journey through space and time love and peace to each and every one of you from the brain of coal miner s granddaughter at 12 35 pm 31 commenter s labels me religion 16 march 2014 the best defense is a good offense sometimes you defend people because it s right because they re your friend and you would do anything for them because you love them and you would give up something for them in defense of them because it s the right thing to do but that doesn t mean they will do the same for you i said this to my mother last week over dinner she was teaching me how to make beef stew and we were catching up reminiscing and doing what human beings do over a bowl of food we were exchanging information when i said the above we were going over something that had happened long in our past something that doesn t come up very often but as most of us do the subject had wandered into this far afield spot we rarely ever visit and i said what i said because it was a lesson i finally learned just before my 41st birthday there are many milestones that occur in our lives that mark the transition from childhood into adulthood a good many cultures celebrate these transitions in ceremonies the quinceañera a bar mitvah the satere mawe tribe s manhood initiation of wearing bullet ant gloves but i don t think a specific ceremony cuts it it s many little moments that happen over the course of a life that add to one s knowledge base of understanding humanity and when one of these moments happen you think to yourself oh so that s how this works ok understood universe you mature most times against your will and little bit sad that some of that naivete is now gone our world our reality is a lot easier to live in when you imagine that the monsters are black furred yellow eyed and living underneath your bed much easier when you believe everyone has your best interests at heart far easier when you feel it in your bones that everyone wants to work toward a greater good and definitely easier when you imagine that everyone you meet can be your friend unfortunately humanity doesn t operate like that and those are some hard lessons to learn far more difficult than calculus the school of life has a rather cruel headmistress and she doesn t really care if a lesson stings the lesson i m speaking of in this blog post started when i was 18 i was lucky in that i was 18 before i learned an adult will just as soon turn on you as nurture you and they will do it for their own ends when it happened i was utterly shattered i was there i had passed that american cusp of becoming a legal voting adult ready to become an adult who would nurture and lead and guide when one of those nurturing leading guides gave it to me but good i remember curling up between the wall of my bedroom and my dresser making myself as small as physically possible to emulate the size my emotional self felt at that moment and crying great heaving gulps of tears i think my mother worried for my sanity i eventually got over it but filed it away as a lesson titled adults can totally break a kid s heart little did i know that this lesson wasn t over it wasn t until seven years later that part two was presented on a silver platter by the universe this lesson was titled adults can totally break another adult s heart for no other reason than they are bitter and want to make everyone around them unhappy as well when this lesson was presented to me i did the only thing i could do that i knew how to do i defended the person who was being hurt i stood up for this person even giving up something i loved in the process i spread my feet hands on hips and shouted at the top of my lungs you will not do this because it is wrong but if you continue on this path you will do it without me and i will tell everyone everywhere how wrong you are and i did it too i stepped back from this thing i cherished loved adored all in the name of friendship i did it knowing deep down that this friend would always have my back as well i was wrong the third and final part of this lesson titled adults who you have defended will not always defend you in return was presented in my life class 15 years later a full 22 years after the first part of the lesson when it happened it wasn t explosive or in my face it was actually rather quiet no one really noticed it but me when it happened when i realized that this person who i considered to be family who i stood up for had never even thought to protect or shield me i was devastated i remember again crying as the hurt of 18 year old me 22 years prior welled up to the surface and i thought life sucks these lessons suck i hate this shit i hate this school of life i m done except i wasn t done being truly done...