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held hostage with a teeny noose around its tiny neck looking up at the camera with his sad bunny eyes asking in his sad bunny way for our help and maybe a carrot the ransom a funny intro for his and his silent partner s latest urf entry we hesitated momentarily overcome with our love for the bunny named bunny but in the end we got a hold of ourselves the united states of urf does not negotiate with terrorists instead we defy this act of cowardice and not only will this intro lack the funny it shall be so business like it will be in motherfucking bullet points sniff we ll miss you bunny our blog has been annexed by baron falstaff clearly we are nothing but an outpost of his vast empire all falstaff all the time mainly because he s the only one who indulges us and writes in with minimal prompting and when we aren t featuring falsie or talking about falsie and his tongue we have people pretending to be falsie read on we adore this post brought to you by n who needs her own blog and tr we think it s funny and we aren t just saying that because bunny might soon be rabbit stew we and not the royal we but rather both of us chuckled and snickered throughout however maylord this ain t an urf sigh it has the body of an urf and the mind of an urf but it simply doesn t have l esprit de urf felt like it might mean more if we put it en français the original intent of our blog and we are the first to admit that the concept of the blog is still shaky evolving and probably always will be because we were high when we came up with it was to be serious about writing unlike yourself and maybe like others but not parodying them this is a parody and like all good parodies it is kinda cruel and lots of funny so go read and if you don t laugh out loud don t you say lol you need immediate medical attention to replace that atrophied sense of humor with a more healthy organ schubert s trial 1 j ai cueilli ce brin de bruyère l automne est morte souviens t en nous ne nous verrons plus sur terre odeur du temps brin de bruyère et souviens toi que je t attends guillaume apollinaire l adieu he watches the leaf flutter to the ground like a mascaraed eyelash struggling to live do dying leaves have a presentiment of death he wonders the sweet stench of a life unlived the green evanescence molding smoldering unfolding mindlessly into the brown red orange ochre lavender purple scarlet burnt sienna toasted arabiatta and lightly sautéed ragu shades of autumn shades he thinks wasn t there a time when shades too reminded him of her it all comes flashing back to him in the roseate hues of strangulated memory meanwhile shostakovich wafts pinkly off the walls 2 or was it raag ahir bhairav that he heard the mellow strains flowing in a liquid gold stream over the garden paths that he walked daily past the deserted abortion clinic where autarkic posters of germaine greer 3 danced before his mind s eye everything is dying even as everything lives he thinks and achingly longs for another baby to microwave seven hundred watts is what it took for the ikea shelves to fall apart depositing their loads on the floor like so many chekhovian peasants trapped in a rabelaisian biopic he recalls the time he had sliced his finger off mistaking it for another potato in the crowd that he d drawn from the bottom shelf that receptacle of edible roots 4 roots alex haley had once contributed to a lesser known ukranian doggerel in a slim volume he had taken to new mexico he found it hard to read in the original so stark was the passion and incomprehensibility crying out in its wet pages like raindrops falling on his wavy brilliantined byronic center parting a lone jet airliner flies through the sky unaccompanied infants mewling and puking in every aisle seat describing cyrillic characters in the blue neverness yet another leaf falls fluttering to the ground like a metaphor that has become detached from its own meaning dazzling in its obscurity he sits down to read her last letter 5 please return my red panties she begs in the letter the faux silk machine dryable hypoallergenic ones i left in the washing machine while we were making love blindly soundlessly climactically clinically orgiastically behind the dryer during the rinse cycle her handwriting tapers off a shaky anguished cry for help he remembers now he remembers it all frozen in its pointless clarity like old wine in a musty cellar that has been waiting ripening for many years waiting for someone to rescue it from the bleeding inky stygian darkness as the last leaf flutters like a nose hair coming loose from an engorged septum he pulls out her faux silk machine dryable hypoallergenic red panties and hangs himself 6 labels whimsy universe panties 1 based really on the book rather than the movie version of the last leaf although i did think that the young laurence olivier was brilliantly cast as the peripatetic magnus but there is something about the intensity of the courtroom scenes that simply strikes me as being derivative of the early foucault not that i have anything against foucault as a body of work just that schubert deserves more of a nordic than gallic flavor to my mind 2 he has forgotten that he painted the walls martha stewart mother of pearl mpc 8356 only last weekend 3 or was it erica jong he only ever caught the flutter of the eye behind the sheer curtain of feminine hair a come hither look that hung pregnantly in the space between them 4 there were radishes too and parsnips 5 it was an email but he has the printout 6 they were elastic posted in when i grow up i want to be an urf 20 comments urffffffff he says sigh november 7 2007 by flaffy everyone thinks he s a poet now by everyone we mean mockturtle of course just cos you can sense that day rhymes with way does not make you a poet but when you can blithely be totally sarcastic and mean and mocking about two bloggers who have never done anything but invite you to their blog and write brilliant intros for your posts it is perhaps fair for you to think you are one so urf poet of the week posting here for your edification pliss feel free to leave comments about mt s hardheartedness and general cruelty we will not be moderating ed note though otp feels that she has been unjustly targeted otp and i d respond but i have this killer headache and the glow from the computer is making me a tad dizzy and i think i need more water and maybe bacon as being the drunk loopy bimbette in this essay at poetry one feels dutybound to point out that at least she isn t an easily excitable enthusiast who doesn t seem to pay any attention to the other people in the poem otp oh and for chrissake i don t drink gin otp and flaffy went out one day across the blogosphere of blue but all the blogs that came their way rang hollow and untrue said flaffy look at this my friend these bloggers need our aid they write the same crap for days on end it s all trite and clichéd maybe a new blog will do the trick something hip and extraordinary but otp just said i feel so sick i ve had one vodka too many but flaffy went on i see it now a masquerade party so cool nothing artsy glamorous or high brow just bloggers playing the fool otp now reeked of gin her mind it was awhirl the alcohol was making her spin she said i think i m going to hurl flaffy said ok so just to make me smile please think up a name for this blog something with sophistication and style otp looked up and said well how about urrrfffff posted in look who s urfing 11 comments by popular no really demand november 5 2007 by one trick pony there are these men who have sex with life size dolls actually they ll tell you it isn t just about sex they have involved relationships with these synthetic humans kinda like lars and the realgirl only no looks like ryan gosling one very hungover sunday while waiting for the greasy deliciousness that is chinese takeout we found ourselves entirely bereft of trashy television to watch and resorted to a documentary on these men love me love my doll on bbc america it was riveting and horrific and sad and gross but riveting however by the time the food arrived we had lost the will to eat we d attempt a tentative bite then we d watch one of these men cleaning out his girlfriend with dish detergent starts to smell like fish and then make out with her and we d want to bring up that and everything else we may have ever eaten seriously marketed correctly it could be the new it diet in keeping with that general theme although sex with inanimate objects is the only thing missing from the piece below ed s note nope he s got that covered too here is falstaff s contribution to the battle against the obesity epidemic his re telling of the the aristocrats minor quibble it is incredibly graphic seriously filthy and twisted but it is not porn there is no intent to titillate i think i hope i d recommend not eating immediately before reading this if you find yourself overwhelmed and overcome with nausea don t be a hero take a break in fact there is no shame in not finishing this no one will judge you they ll all be too busy judging falstaff the aristocrats a play of errr many acts author s preface the purpose of the aristocrats joke see examples here here and here all taken from the movie the aristocrats is to push every conceivable boundary of decency part performance sport part art form the aristocrat joke is an excursion into the perverse and the profane when you read what follows you re almost certain to find it obscene may even be outraged if you can read this matter of factly you really are sick so let me say at the outset that i m not in favor of having sex with your family members especially if they re old wrinkled or recently deceased that i do not condone sexual abuse of cattle which is a cruel and unnatural way to treat what is basically steak that i have nothing personal against communists and that i have nothing but the utmost respect for m s chekhov shakespeare and sterne guy walks into a producer s office says man have i got the play for you producer says i m not really looking for new plays right now i ve already got four of them running guy says four plays that s great but this is the real thing it has the whole avant garde german expressionism meets soulful russian angst vibe producer says ah naked redheads sounds fascinating tell me about it guy says it s this adaptation of a play by this russian dude called anton jerkov or something so there are these three sisters see they used to be part of the nobility and all but now the ballshoveix have taken over so they don t have a pot to piss in which is okay actually because they don t have showers either so it all works out the three of them live in this cherry orchard with their brother vanya who is badly off too because there aren t any cherries left in russia after the great war with me so far so anyway act one opens with the three sisters sitting around their parlor looking glum because it s been years since they got any what with them being wrinkled old hags and living out in the middle of nowhere on an abandoned orchard one day they re reading this book of old greek myths sharing the reading glasses between them did i mention they were too poor to afford more than one pair of glasses between them when they read about this chick called pacifier or something who wasn t satisfied with her husband and made it with a bull so then they think to themselves hot borscht we have a bull too they go rushing to the cattle shed and there he is a fine virile specimen of bull hood the trouble is there s only one bull and there s three of them for a while they wrangle about who gets to go first until they notice that while the bull has only one cock he also a pair of fine erect horns so they all take of their dresses tear their way out of their corsets and two of them climb on top of the bull s head facing each other licking and sucking each other s breasts as each inserts one prong of the bull s horns into her cunt meanwhile the third sister the oldest one age will have its privileges crawls under the bull s belly and licks and strokes his cock until it s completely erect after which she gently takes his throbbing turgid member into her ass at this point their brother vanya who s been feeling up the cow s udders in the next stall walks in to see what s happening when he sees two of his sisters being given head by a horny farm animal while the third is anally violated by the beast an act officially known as shit bulling i m told he figures he may as well join in the fun so he whips out his already erect cock lifts the bull s tail and plunges his organ deep into bull s ass the trouble is all this frisking has made the bull kind of gassy hey you try fucking three women on four full stomachs so just as vanya inserts himself the bull lets out this mammoth fart which travels all the way up vanya s cock and straight through to his bladder causing it to swell like a balloon this in turn causes vanya s bowels to move now vanya who s perpetually constipated is faced with a dilemma should he continue to fuck the bull in the ass or should he take advantage of this unexpected bowel movement he s practically turtleheading here and take a good crap instead vanya is deeply conflicted about this choice until he realizes that the answer need not be either or he can do both so he takes his dick out of the bull turns around presses his asshole against the bull s anus and delivers a mammoth rock hard twelve inch turd straight into the bull s ass this so excites the bull that he begins to thrust harder and harder at the older sister who is you ll recall still under him until his engorged penis breaks through the walls of her vulva pierces her internal organs and eventually comes thrusting out through her belly spilling her intestines to the floor this doesn t deter the bull though he just keeps going thrusting deeper and deeper into her until finally he s cracked her sternum and is pushing his cock between the fleshy mass of her breasts basically titty fucking her from the inside before the others notice what is happening and alarmed for their sister drive the bull off with cattle prods with the bull gone the two remaining sisters and vanya stare down at their sister s body wondering if despite the gore spilled everywhere she may still be alive fortunately for them dr fastputin happens to pass by at this critical moment so they call him in to take a look at their sister this fastputin aside from being the country doctor is also a notorious communist vibrator which is why he and the family have never been close having pronounced their sister dead he now suggests that they salvage what they can from her body comrades he says these are hard times the heavy weight of her population weighs down on the country so that we are forced to take whole villages into the wood and shoot them in these troubled days the burning need is for birth control no really burning need in siberia we re now using ba...