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Text of the page (random words):
my un mended heart my un mended heart make a pregnancy ticker sunday april 18 2010 i think that i may just go absolutely crazy during this pregnancy i am waiting to go for an ultrasound on tuesday but i feel like i am waiting for a death sentence too i know that if things are fine with this little one aka peanut named after my fondness of peanut butter during this pregnancy i will breathe a bit easier until the next ultrasound i hate this absolutely hate this i hate that pregnancy can never and will ever be a joyous time yes i have my moments of slight optimism but those moments rarely stick around for very long i want to be naive and pregnant that s what i want to be all naive doe eyed and completely blissful and i want to know and be able to say without a doubt that this little one will make it to my arms alive it will be born screaming not silent i know that it s probably awful to hear someone talk like this but i know that i am not the only one out there that feels this way i wish that every milestone of pregnancy could be a celebration not a marker closer to the end so if anyone out there has any ideas as to how i can become positive with this pregnancy by all means fire away i would love nothing more then to be a glowing pregnant woman not a frightened woman that looks like she is on the verge of a breakdown posted by cass at 12 13 am 11 comments labels baby 4 rambling wednesday april 14 2010 well for those of you who haven t noticed that rather shocking ticker above this post yes i am pregnant i would love to be able to offer you an excited looking yay kind of look but i can t just can t you see this wasn t planned so out of complete fear of the future my excitement must will be contained until this baby is either born alive only by some random act of god or as we in my world know not alive silent it has been around 3 weeks since i found out i am with child and i still can only shake my head when i think of the situation that i am in i never thought that i would truly ever be pregnant again i just can t help but feel bad for this poor little baby who is probably inside of me wishing hoping that i would be a little more optimistic for his her little soul and then there is the message board that i fled to almost right away for support not sure how to say this without ruffling any feathers but there is no one else on that board right now that has been through what i have and i find myself rolling my eyes quite often when i do read the updates i wish that the only stress that i had was wondering why i m not running to the bathroom to hug the toilet seriously i feel like every night i have many mini panic attacks i wish there was a way to just turn off my brain if there had ever been any answers as to why i lost the girls then it might be easier to deal with but not knowing why i lost them is hard this time around i feel myself slipping in to a nice dark depression and i am tyring to claw my way out but i can t help but wonder if this is my way of putting on my iron armour and protecting myself from what i fear is inevitable why am i already ready to fight for this little one to the death posted by cass at 10 00 pm no comments labels baby 4 sunday february 7 2010 the many differences as mentioned in an earlier post my hubby and i had a few months of separation last summer truth be told we grew apart previous to it all but the day he came home and told me that he was no longer happy it killed me ripped my heart out this guy is the one the only one who knows me inside and out fast forward a few months i am editing a lot of goings on in between it all and he decides that he wants to be with me fine great and now many months after the fact after he told me all of my faults i am the one in this relationship still i am the one that has to worry about it going south which it slowly is i am the one that has to worry about all of the things that i am doing wrong what about him what about all of the things that he has done wrong and i m not talking in the past a much more recent past part of me worries that he is just too afraid to leave me a security thing which was one of his many complaints before he left sometimes i just wonder if i am way beyond hurt to even recognize what is right in front of me there are too may things left unsaid that i know will never be brought to the surface it s just the way we are i don t know i just don t know the one thing that i found the most shocking while we were apart was knowing that there was some guy out there that i had 2 stillbirths with and he was the only one that knew what it was like to go through that with me without him i wasn t sure how i would deal with triggers appropriately without being able to go home and cry or lean on his supportive shoulders posted by cass at 7 05 pm 2 comments labels anger bittersweet memories grief marital bliss monday february 1 2010 catching up at the sandbanks in the middle of september beautiful the boys fort freight alight at night over half a million bulbs throughout the village a group of us went and saw dane cook freakin hilarious ol boy duke getting so grey crosby was so happy with wearing the antlers for christmas lol pretty shot taken on christmas day most of the blue collar comedy tour boys with the exception of ron white it s been a busy year as far as entertainment goes in june i saw bif naked september i saw p nk november we saw matt good the 2 comedy shows and just last weekend i saw tegan sara each single event was different than the last posted by cass at 12 42 pm 19 comments labels furry babies peyton quinn something to smile about i was looking back a few posts back and remembered that i had created this post and i had to laugh what the h ll was i thinking seriously who makes these resolutions and actually sticks to them my 1st item on that agenda was going along quite well and i had lost almost 50 pounds by the time i went to nyc but after hurting myself at work and not being able to exercise very well or for very long that weight slowly crept back on me all but 30 pounds of it i never did make an appointment with my doctor as mentioned in my previous post i do have an appointment set in a few weeks and we will see if i have the nerve to ask things with my hubby went horribly wrong like spent 2 months apart kind of wrong we are slowly trying to work things out now but not sure where it is going to go and well since i work so much and barely have enough time for myself i barely saw my family i saw them but never for long enough so that s that i suck as far as resolutions go this year i am making it nice and simple for myself i am going to spend more time re connecting with myself and only doing things that i want to do not what i feel others want me to do also i am being more honest with people that i actually care to be more honest with plain and simple posted by cass at 12 29 pm no comments labels motivation rambling weight loss well it has been a while bad blogger that i am i guess that is a part of life now isn t it so i ll spill the beans on my last suspicious post it has turned out to be just that a small little slice of hope that turned out to be nothing absolutely nothing one of my hubbys relatives tested for factor v leiden but he went and was tested and it was so no easy fix for us which lately i have been feeling is a good thing not the lack of an answer but the not having kids part it s nice not to have to plan things around someone else s routine it s nice to only ave to worry about getting the dogs out for a quick pee before running out the door if last minute plans pop up don t get me wrong i still want kids and know all to well what i am missing but there are lots of good things about missing out on them too and i am just starting to realize them now i have an appointment in a few weeks with my doctor to have him send me for any and all tests to help find some sort of an answer if an answer does come up then great we will sit on that answer for a while and decide just how badly i want to be a wreck for months on end if nothing shows up then nothing much will have changed life has been busy work eat sleep work eat sleep weekend off lots of things to do and never enough time nothing too exciting to report really in the last 6 months sadly we are going to be installing some beautiful hardwood flooring upstairs and tile in the kitchen as well as painting the upstairs and replacing all of the trim around the doors it s going to be a busy month as far as that is concerned and i am already eager to see the end results now to rip up the nasty parquet flooring that is already up there ugh posted by cass at 11 49 am no comments wednesday june 10 2009 hope dangles on a string part 2 as previously mentioned in the earlier post i have a little slice of hope that has been dangled right before my eyes i m sure that there are a few people that may have an idea as to what this has to do with and i m sorry once again about the quiet nature of this but i just think that if i say it out loud here then i am really hoping for this to be true it hit me tonight the deep nagging within me that knows that this will never be true how could it be nothing good ever happens and nothing easy ever happens for us either so with a sigh i bow my head and give in give in to the negativity at least my answer won t be much longer and whether it is good or bad news i will share what it is then posted by cass at 8 35 pm no comments labels anger something to smile about older posts home subscribe to posts atom the scoop i am a 31 girl who has been married for almost 8 years we have 3 rather cute furbabies but no actual babies i have had 3 pregnancy losses a miscarriage in 2004 a stillbirth in 2005 and another stillbirth in 2007 and just recently in march found out i am expecting again this is my story please be prepared for shocking truths and one hell of a ride these are my daily thoughts my hopes my fears and my deepest and darkest secrets this is my recovery and journey back from grief please don t be shy let me know you were here missing my angels my fur babies maggie duke crosby my faves certainly not cool enough to blog msfitzita s blog charmed i m sure sandra s blog everything is under control catherine s blog love mom brooke s blog miscarriage stillbirth and infant loss blog directory no matter how small aurelia s blog our time together christine s blog scrapbooking through loss the mommy years brie s blog blog archive blog archive april 2 february 4 june 4 may 1 march 2 january 4 november 3 october 1 september 5 august 4 july 1 june 2 may 3 april 1 february 4 january 7 december 2 november 2 october 11 september 39 labels anger 23 baby 4 2 bittersweet memories 8 camera lust 2 cemetery 1 dark and twisted 2 empty evening thoughts 3 friendship 4 furry babies 3 furry baby 10 grief 37 marital bliss 1 motivation 12 peyton 8 quinn 5 rambling 25 rant 7 something to smile about 22 stillbirth 5 thoughts of insanity 5 weight loss 2 witty friends 1 work 5 free counter