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loving cora rei loving cora rei if love could have saved you you would have lived forever monday january 8 2018 year 12 it seems like such a very long time to be missing someone at age 12 in my church girls graduate from the primary sunday school into the young women program at the beginning of each year they hold a new beginnings program it is sort of a preview of the year for the girls and a welcome for all those who will be turning 12 that year cora would be turning 12 this year new beginnings is this week she should be there i should be there with her we should be excitedly preparing for this new step in her life i should be watching as she grows up too fast into the woman i d imagined her becoming all through my pregnancy with her i should i should i should should is the hardest part actually no it s not the hardest part is the havoc 12 years has wreaked on my memories of her i don t remember what she smelled like i don t remember what she felt like except for the few pictures we took i don t even really remember what she looked like my body betrayed me by allowing her to die and now my mind is betraying me by allowing her to be erased my mortal imperfect brain it seems so unfair sometimes it feels no more real than a bad dream but she really was here she really did exist she really is mine and i miss her posted by brittanie at 6 37 pm no comments sunday may 14 2017 my last first cora s due date was may 14th 2006 but whenever i was asked when i was due i just answered mother s day it s been 11 years but today is the first time since that may 14th and mother s day have coincided i have had 11 mother s days 9 with a child in my arms and 11 due dates but this is the first time since the first one that have had the both happening together and it hurts not only that but the primary sunday school group sings to the congregation for the mothers and today would have been the only time all 5 of my children would have been up there to sing for me primary is for kids aged 3 11 and owen is 3 this year next year cora would have been 12 already and not singing it was kind of a tender mercy to me that owen refused to go up with his siblings even if cora had been here it wouldn t have been all 5 kids but up until that moment i was dreading it i have been dreading today sometimes grief sneaks up on you it comes out of left field and bowls you over but then there are times like today when it s like standing on a beach waiting for a tsunami standing on the beach watching the water retreat knowing what s coming and being unable to move hoping that the crash of grief doesn t drown you thankfully in my experience emotional tsunamis aren t as fatal as actual ones but that doesn t mean that you aren t bruised that doesn t mean that you don t need time to recover that doesn t mean it doesn t hurt i am so grateful for the four babies i get to hold this mother s day but my heart aches for the one i don t posted by brittanie at 1 58 pm no comments sunday january 1 2017 another year without her this is my 10th one my 10th new year without my cora it seems astounding to me time is so strange i can close my eyes and it seems just like the first one life forever altered hurt angry wondering why it had to happen to me one more day down the line one more day further away and yet sometimes when i open my eyes it s almost as if she was never here and that hurts more i think life goes on and while i think of her every day it isn t always with tears but sometimes those days and months and years feel unbearable how many more must i endure i ll be 34 this year i m hoping for at least 50 more it helps if i turn it around each day is one day closer to seeing her again one day less of the 50 more years i m not suicidal but i don t fear death i m looking forward to seeing my sweet cora again until then i speak her name because according to the egyptian book of the dead to speak the name of the dead is to make him live again it restores the breath of life to him that is vanished i love you cora rei posted by brittanie at 7 34 am no comments saturday october 15 2016 100 pounds it s pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day only for those of us who are living it every day is remembrance day not a day goes by that i don t think about her not a day goes by that i don t miss her most days i can smile wistfully and remember the beauty she brought to my life and it s sad but it s sweet too like when monarch butterflies are your symbol for your angel and it s monarch migration season and you see 67 on a twenty minute walk but some days like today you break down into wracking sobs in the shower this grief it s like carrying around a weight 100 pounds at first you are knocked over and it s suffocating at first it crushes you but like anything when you bear it long enough you start to adjust muscles grow stronger soon you can walk around carrying it like it s nothing but it still weighs 100 pounds it s been 10 years 5 months 1 week and 6 days since cora was stillborn it s been 10 years 5 months and 2 weeks since my doctor told me her heart was no longer beating and my world was changed forever it still hurts as badly today as it did then it still weighs 100 pounds but somehow i have grown to bear it some days i hardly even notice i m carrying it but some days like today i look at it closely and i feel every ounce posted by brittanie at 9 15 am 4 comments wednesday may 4 2016 happy birthday so cora s birthday is always emotionally loaded actually the whole week leading up to it is i always think of the lasts whether i try to or not but our traditions for cora s birthday usually give me happy high points too every year we raise caterpillars to have butterflies to release around cora s birthday this is the 6th or 7th i can t quite remember when exactly we started doing it year we ve done butterflies for her and have only actually released them on her birthday maybe twice this year the forecast called for rain on the second and cooler temps which was accurate for the 2nd so we ended up releasing the butterflies on may 1st which was actually good because may 1st is a really hard day for me being the day that we received the news that she had died i usually do something that day to distract myself but since may 1st this year was on a sunday and i try not to go out or purchase anything on sundays releasing the butterflies ended up being good i then allowed myself some time to sit under a tree and cry while the kids were playing i do a photo of the day thing on instagram and may 1st s prompt was blue which perfectly described my feelings i don t normally take pictures of myself crying and then the day of her birthday we went to ihop for dinner a few years ago maybe 2013 erin decided it would be cora s favorite place to eat so we have eaten there for her birthday every year since owen was hiding under the table yelling no pitoh and then we came home for cake it was a strawberry shortcake made on a homemade angel food cake and it was delicious and while i was at the store i passed those candles and it felt like cora was yelling at me to get them instead of the normal numeral candles i usually do it made me happy to feel like she is participating in her birthday it s hard i feel like i walk around seeing holes in my family but i am so glad her siblings know her and do things to honor her they talk about her and it is so sweet happy birthday sweet cora i love you so much posted by brittanie at 5 34 pm no comments friday april 29 2016 if only i have tried to live my life without regret i don t think i mean that the way most people do most of the time i work so that i don t have anything in my past that i would regret but when there are those things i try to fix things forgive myself and others and move on but then certain regrets stick around those usually are the ones that i couldn t change if i tried and with what i knew at the time made the best decision i could the regret only comes from hindsight 10 years ago today i made a statement i was so close to the end of my pregnancy a pregnancy which totally surprised me in its misery and i was just hanging on to the hope that once i wasn t pregnant anymore i wouldn t be sick anymore i almost don t care about the baby i just don t want to be sick anymore how could i have known that in 3 mere days i wouldn t be sick anymore and i wouldn t have the baby either 51 weeks a year i have forgiven myself for this but this week the last week of april the last week of cora s life this week it hurts and i know no other way but to feel it this week i let the wracking sobs come until i can t breathe i know she ll be mine forever i know i will see her again one day reminding me of that doesn t help it not hurt right now this sucks i hate that anyone has to be here posted by brittanie at 11 11 am 1 comment saturday april 2 2016 stillhissister patrick has been talking a lot about cora lately i m not sure why but i remember erin doing the same thing at about the same age maybe as their understanding of death matures their need to connect does too anyway he s been reminding me that she s still a part of our family a lot in the car today on the way to the store allison and patrick got into an argument she counted 6 people in our family and patrick kept insisting that she was wrong and there were 7 and he kept getting upset about it so i had to explain that they are both right it is okay to just count the people in the car because cora died and isn t with us anymore so every day there are just 6 of us but since cora is still part of our family patrick is right too and she counts she is still his sister at the store i walked into the garden center looking for some iris bulbs and was surprised by more cora vincas i had actually forgotten about them and was delighted and of course bought some well patrick found out that they were called cora and insisted on helping me plant them in the empty spot i found by my tree this is the second time in as many days that she s popped out at me yesterday i found a garden fairy with red hair and purple wings erin and allison have been asking for a garden fairy for ages but it was the first time one really felt like she belonged in my garden what little of a garden i have anyway it is nice to get her popping up like that today is the anniversary of my first last the last pregnant picture i have with her and april is always hard for me so to have her manifesting especially this year the big 10 is nice posted by brittanie at 4 13 pm 1 comment older posts home subscribe to posts atom cora s story on may 1 2006 13 days before my due date a doctor confirmed that the heart of my unborn baby girl was no longer beating cora rei was born sleeping the next day may 2 2006 at 4 06 pm she weighed 6lbs10oz and was 19 1 2 inches long and was perfect in every way her umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck so tightly that it constricted blood flow and took her life her life was much too short but she was and still is so very wanted and loved i miss her every day follow this blog cora s friends rose and her lily lily s 9th birthday celebration 7 years ago sullengers we can do hard things angie guymon 8 years ago daddy s dream mommy s miracle but god 10 years ago finding my feet fall fashionable 10 years ago the martin family kindergarten fears 11 years ago joshua derrek williams anchor in heaven 12 years ago am i really going to blog this says it all 12 years ago jump over the rainbow it won t rain forever crazy hormonal lady 12 years ago the white house two years 12 years ago rainbow after the storm partners link s post 13 years ago relaxing doesn t make babies 13 months letter 13 years ago baby steps 13 years ago to have a child health nut a k a sylvia mae 13 years ago jeff kayci grace claire about motherhood 13 years ago spring has sprung pregnancy update 13 years ago our story our life november 2012 13 years ago missing juanito it s been awhile 14 years ago remembering genevive loving lillian i am still alive 14 years ago heathernickel jonah s testing 14 years ago a to z march madness 15 years ago rainbow reflections 34 and 35 weeks 15 years ago the birds and aunt b so why can t i 15 years ago harry s in heaven memorial day 16 years ago eli hutchings the story of our baby boy eli 16 years ago a healing journey we feel you with us 16 years ago our angel sharyn happy birthday alexis 16 years ago bloom where you are planted mixed emotions 16 years ago kristine s story life after loss cloudy with a chance of hope our little girl is in heaven with jesus cora s story these are the days of michelle s life call family bring the rain considering mia our angel in heaven bitton family blog archive 2018 1 january 1 year 12 2017 2 may 1 january 1 2016 5 october 1 may 1 april 2 march 1 2015 2 october 1 march 1 2014 1 july 1 2013 16 november 1 june 1 may 1 april 5 march 2 february 5 january 1 2012 26 december 2 november 5 august 2 july 1 june 3 may 3 april 3 march 3 february 2 january 2 2011 73 december 4 november 1 october 4 september 4 august 9 july 4 june 4 may 7 april 13 march 7 february 8 january 8 2010 138 december 22 november 8 october 13 september 9 august 10 july 8 june 10 may 15 april 13 march 7 february 10 january 13 2009 22 december 9 november 13 followers about me brittanie i am a 30 something sahm loving the four babies in my arms and missing the one that isn t view my complete profile picture window theme powered by blogger