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country dawn all organic all the time get great free widgets at widgetbox sunday april 1 2012 forgetting i wanted to forget today i wanted to hide i woke up this morning from a dream that i d found out i was pregnant april fool s day the day we lost william i hate this day i dread the jokes the tricks the gotchas i ve had enough gotcha to last me several lifetimes but inevitably this day cracks me open wide my veneer is always as thin as an eggshell there is always always a gaping yawning maw at my back all i need to do is turn and look into the abyss it is there waiting there are days i want to freefall but i don t today the veil between worlds is thin today you could see right through my shell if you look closely enough but i still thought i could escape we went to the movies to see big miracle it s a story with a guaranteed happy ending it s based on a true story so i knew it would be heart warming and leave me feeling warm and fuzzy and then the baby whale dies that s right all these people have been moving heaven and earth to help this little family of whales doing everything they possibly can to keep them alive and set them free mama and papa whale have been helping the sick baby surface and you re sure if they just get out to open water all will be well and then the baby dies i forgot i forgot this is real life not hollywood babies die and as i sat there in disbelief while the woman from greenpeace sobbed over the baby s death we could have done more he s going to surface he can t be dead my own heart echoed her pain and then came the words there s nothing anyone could have done he s gone prayers grief and a mother and father who followed the path to open water because life goes on whether you want it to or not i wanted to forget but instead i turned and looked into the abyss and it looked back at me the veil fell away i can t forget not today cracked open raw exposed free loved beautiful it s all so beautiful i love you william posted by country dawn at 9 15 pm 1 comment sunday september 11 2011 missing sweet william missing sweet william today today and every day sweet william written and sung by the low tide drifters just for my william thank you kate downing and nate moore for remembering him in song posted by country dawn at 12 16 pm 1 comment thursday april 2 2009 stillbirth of william george had a midwife appt yesterday and she couldn t find the heartbeat i thought he d felt less active but i ve been contracting a lot prodromal labor in pain exhausted and distracted and it was hard to tell the hospital visit confirmed what i just somehow knew and had dreaded our baby was gone the ironic news was i was 6 7 cm and 85 effaced those ctx really had done something he was born at 10 14 pm on april fool s day some joke a tiny 5lb 4oz tiny like his sister was tiny and perfect there was no sign of anything no knot in the cord placenta was normal he was normal no infection no fever nothing in the bloodwork no explanation at first i couldn t believe the universe would do this my dad died in february and we named him after both grandpas we were going to surprise my mom with his name and now this really could anything be more cruel the birth was thankfully fast they gave me a tiny bit of pit but i pushed him out pretty quickly although i ve never had a more painful birth in more ways than one it was like my body didn t want to do it it was all me i had to make the conscious choice to birth him and part of me just wanted to hold on the kids were there not for the birth we had a friend in the waiting room with them but after and we did get to hold him the staff took pictures and were very kind things are so different now than back in the days when they whisked the baby away and you never saw them the only thing i keep thinking is why and there s just no answer and probably never will be i feel like i ve stepped across some threshold into another world the dark side of motherhood we carry so much when we carry life we re carrying death with us all the time as well i knew it on an intellectual level every bit of anxiety or worry everything i did or didn t do questioning but i had no idea what that felt like not really not until i stepped through this door and birthed my baby still and why do people say inevitably say all the wrong things and why don t i care i always winced as an outsider when someone said the wrong thing to someone who was grieving as the one grieving i can only look from outside myself at them and know they re trying to comfort themselves they can t touch this pain they try so hard they want to understand but the unimaginable is truly and when we re outside of it we can sympathize but i think we try not to picture it i know i did a good defense there but by the grace of god go i so sorry for your loss and thank god it isn t me and then it is you last night i didn t think anyone could possibly understand but in the light of day i know that even this pain has been born and survived by women all of us connected i m truly humbled as broken and destroyed as i feel there is a small part of me buoyed knowing there are women who have been here too posted by country dawn at 11 35 am 1 comment thursday february 12 2009 passed on they took the cpap mask off him this morning and he was gone within the hour i never did make it to the hospital i was going to go today since the littles were back in school and while i m still sick actually getting worse grr oh well i was going anyway after hubbie left for work this morning but my mom called to tell me he d passed and i had to call the older kids who didn t make it out yesterday but were going to go today really am glad it didn t linger on for my mother s sake she made a hard hard decision i m really at peace with it although my only regret for his sake was that he didn t get to see his last grandchild born me and my dad in 1978 yes i know gotta love the plaid 70 s pants and glasses lol posted by country dawn at 10 57 am no comments wednesday february 11 2009 dnr orders my dad fell on christmas morning on the ice and broke his foot he s in his early 60 s diabetic has pad peripheral artery disease has had high blood pressure since he was in his 20 s is 80 lbs overweight and has undergone both a corotid artery surgery and a quadruple bypass in the past ten years so they did a surgery on his foot put a plate in and a day after he was home he had what they thought was a stroke or a blood clot this was three days ago things looked okay at first he couldn t talk and had a hard time swallowing they gave him one of those suckie things like dentists use for the saliva but he was lucid and alert and could respond nod or shake his head when asked questions now however the doctor finally defined this incident as a large stroke my mom said massive i think it makes her feel better to say massive but my sister and niece heard large they want to put him on a breathing machine and a feeding tube now but when he was lucid two days ago he said no machines no tubes he s always said no machines no tubes but he s not lucid anymore can t nod or blink anymore he s deteriorating quickly his lungs are full of fluid because he can t swallow the usual dose of the meds to clear them 20 units they doubled to 40 it didn t work they doubled that to 80 units it didn t work which led my niece an icu nurse to believe his kidneys weren t functioning even though the blood levels showed they were now they re talking about dialysis they want to put in a tube to feed him directly into the stomach instead of through the nose which they can only do for a week my sister her husband and my niece all sat down with mom and the icu doc i m still sick and so are the kids so i can t go and talked about all this after which my mom signed a dnr and said no tubes my nephew is mad he says we should put in all the tubes and let him heal and get better but the docs are saying because of his other conditions diabetes triglycerides high blood pressure previous surgeries circulation issues the meds they d normally prescribe wouldn t work and they have to go other routes they say they don t know how much functionality he will be able to regain even if we do put him on the machines but the thing i keep coming back to is the not talking he can t communicate the only thing he lives for is communication frankly and i think he knew when he couldn t talk couldn t swallow that his life was basically over honestly i think he knew it last week when we talked before his foot surgery and he told me he wanted to hold out to see this baby he mentioned that his heart doc had told him two months ago she wanted to do some sort of surgery going in through the groin because things weren t circulating properly he refused he told me because he was afraid he d die during the surgery and he wanted to see the baby first i think he knew he was going to go one way or another before then and didn t want it to happen his one regret maybe but i think he s clear now that this has happened or at least he was when he could make that call that he doesn t want to stick around anymore that it s time he s right handed his whole right side is shot he can t write well with his right hand anyway he s dyslexic and never learned to read or write past a 4th 5th grade level let alone trying to re learn with his left he can t read to begin with he s nearly functionally illiterate even with his one good eye he can t swallow so he can t eat the man lives to eat he can t talk and i mean seriously who could ever shut him up before that s all he does is talk and argue and debate and the only way he could use his beloved computer before the stroke was doing it voice activated because of his dyslexia and learning disablities now that he can t talk he couldn t use it at all it seems to me that anything that might motivate him to keep going is pretty much gone and he knows it and he s just going to be really pissed off a few months down the road if we do put him on machines against his wishes and he does recover some capacity and awareness like we want my mom having to take care of an incapacitated pissed off dad who can t communicate what good does that do anyone ugh i told my mom i was fine with honoring his wishes and that no one could make another call i e putting him on machines except her but if she did i would understand that too she said she didn t want to be alone and i said it wasn t about being alone because my sister and her husband would take her in in a heartbeat it was about not having a partner really about not having dad that was apparently the perfectly right or wrong thing to say i guess depending on your perspective because then she had to go cry which she said she hadn t really done yet so i let her go do that i imagine his last days will be this week or next if she doesn t make another decision than the one she s already made posted by country dawn at 11 31 am no comments tuesday january 13 2009 the tooth fairy s ripping me off mom i think i swallowed my tooth so says my six year old son why do you think that one s coming in way back here and i don t remember one falling out ah so i had to explain that as we grow and our mouths get bigger we grow molars or big teeth back there to fill the space dmitri was relieved to hear he hadn t swallowed a tooth and missed out on a chance to collect a dollar from the tooth fairy until he connected more of the dots hey he pouted i get a tooth but i don t lose one the tooth fairy s ripping me off i didn t have the heart to tell him how the irs works posted by country dawn at 7 32 pm 1 comment labels children fun fun funny kids stories teeth teething monday december 15 2008 christmas card for those efriends who i don t have addresses for posted by country dawn at 8 52 pm 1 comment older posts home subscribe to posts atom inanna journey on april 1 2009 we lost our son william george he was stillborn at 39 weeks read his story and our journey here about me country dawn midwest united states i m a wife and mother of four living children one stillborn at 39 weeks see inanna journey above i m a writer doula birth photographer and psychologist we have moved from the city to the country and we ve got two dogs 25 acres and i m planning to own chickens by next spring that s right chickens and i m going to start my own organic garden uh huh yes i am this from a city girl who adores indoor plumbing detests dirt goes catatonic at the sight of spiders and thinks all bugs should be banned should be interesting huh view my complete profile blog archive 2012 1 april 1 forgetting 2011 1 september 1 2009 4 april 1 february 2 january 1 2008 105 december 1 november 5 october 9 september 6 august 2 july 2 june 6 may 10 april 3 march 14 february 15 january 32 2007 124 december 28 november 38 october 37 september 21 today it s get the weather widget widget and many other great free widgets at widgetbox not seeing a widget more info we are here get the 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