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Text of the page (random words):
nd connection someone who is re learning how to live in peace someone who despite everything truly believes in goodness i m considering writing here again though i m still unsure how i have to find the line between sharing honestly and protecting the sanctity of my private life i don t even know if the people who once read this would recognize me now or if what i have to say will speak to anyone at all still it amazes me that this blog is being read this month alone over 5 000 visits according to the stat counter most to the adoption related posts which makes me wonder if people still find something here that helps maybe it s ai scraping content or maybe it s something else someone else if it s you if you re reading this now thank you i turned 60 this year i didn t celebrate but i did feel something shift inside me a kind of inner call to live out the rest of my days in far deeper alignment with what truly matters i want to forgive what can be forgiven release what needs to go heal what can be healed and love others with every ounce of my being that part of me hasn t changed the part that wants to make the world more gentle more humane i want to spend whatever time i have left being kind being honest and being present and maybe just maybe i ll write some of it down again posted by keri at 2 42 pm 0 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest tuesday february 27 2018 little henry om once again i forgot this blog even existed one of the last remaining vestiges of lyme disease memory loss but on the plus side i ve found that memory loss has its advantages when i re remember something i also get the delight that comes along with a new discovery like hey i forgot i have a blog wow i used to write a lot cool and thus it goes with each reaquaintance hey i forgot i have a storage unit i wonder what s in it and wow i forgot i have a p o box look at all that mail or oops i found three weeks of voicemail i didn t know i had usually it s positive but there are plenty of bummers too such as damn i missed my doctor appointment for the third time in a row i wonder if he s going to drop me as a patient now and omg i completely forgot to take my medication all week no wonder i m feeling worse or oh no i signed up for a yoga class and forgot about it and now its the last week of class all of the above are actual experiences i ve had since we moved to gloucester i have had to learn to forgive myself and just accept this handicap right now hoping it will get better in time my doctor says my brain just needs more time to heal but that it will come back i trust him so now that i ve rationalized my long absence i ll gush i m a nana that bears repeating i m a nana nothing nothing nothing compares to waking up to a newborn every day it s honestly better than any drug it s a very powerful antidepressant that just floods my life with goodness i m in love truly madly deeply and i still wake up incredulous that he s here and he s ours nastia is an amazing mom i didn t expect that i expected she d be overwhelmed and frustrated and honestly whiny she is none of those things she is a new happier more patient and loving version of herself she utterly adores henry he is in her arms all his waking hours between the three of us girls i don t think his feet will ever touch the ground he is so loved i ll try to post more about him soon and about his wild entrance into this world it involved 27 hours of labor and an emergency c section after almost four hours of pushing but they both made it through and matilda and i were right there through it all he was 9 pounds 13 ounces and 21 and a half inches long 90th percentile in height and weight and if they gauged adorability he d be 90th percentile in that too well here are a few photos for your perusal henry 5 minutes old with his nana henry 3 weeks old henry one month old with his mom henry 7 weeks old with his auntie m on an unseasonably balmy day last week posted by keri at 1 36 am 7 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest tuesday december 05 2017 this december day the waves are fitful outside my window the wind is working them up into white froth the cat is snuggled on my bed the dog curled up in a tiny circle on her pillow the girls are in their rooms one reading one watching anime you can guess which is doing which i keep feeling a compulsion to write but never do i always open up this blog sit and think and then close it because i think to what end to whom am i writing for what purpose but this afternoon i offer myself a challenge to write whatever comes to mind for no purpose but that i feel like doing so imagine it is simply a small glimpse into my current life we live somewhere else now a tiny riverside cottage in a much more rural area than we were in marblehead we love it here especially me it s quiet and oh so beautiful there is a great horned owl in the tree outside my window there was a great blue heron in september and october but he seems to have moved on there are daily sunnings of cormorants a few very devoted seagulls who claim our pier as home there are more bunnies than i have ever seen outside of a beatrix potter book there are red tailed hawks and ducks and foxes and sometimes a coyote they the coyotes live at the rocky start of the peninsula on which we live now we are at the far end the fingertip so we don t see them much we are surrounded by a mature grove of oaks and the house is perched on a beautiful outcropping of smooth rocks that act as a boundary between us and the river it s heaven matilda took awhile to adjust she really missed her friends and the busy ness of a typical suburban life knowing she truly has the soul of a writer and needs solitude i imagined she d adjust she did now she can t fathom living that old life this one being so rich in nature quiet and generous time to think and paint and write nastia seemed ambivalent at first she could take it or leave it she missed easy access to supermarkets and the russian store but otherwise seems just as content her as at our old home they both love that we are closer to family here cousins around the corner and other cousins just a block away seeing them more has been just grand nastia s baby is due in the next two weeks we are ready our tiny home is chock full of baby things pack and plays carseat bouncy chair bottles bibs and the rest of the required gear i think he s coming early but that may just be wishful thinking on my part nastia s fiancé should arrive by february god willing we applied for his visa in july they talk on the phone for a good four hours every day they are both handling the separation better than i would in their shoes we still miss our beloved henry dog and puck cat who both died this year both lived long happy lives but it still aches to have them gone we talk about them daily anya and sasha remain well relatively speaking daniel too i have some great friends supporting them while i remain unable i still talk to daniel weekly but anya not so much she is not as accessible for whatever reason but i do still get photos of sasha and send care packages when i can a christmas one is going out this week what is going on in your lives how have they changed i m grateful to those of you who emailed me after my post on nov 19th i didn t know commenting had been turned off i think i fixed it let me know happy advent to all christus venit posted by keri at 4 23 pm 7 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest sunday november 19 2017 i m here its been a long while i ve changed so very much has changed i m not sure if i m going to write again here or start a private blog still contemplating but i feel like writing tonight and i still can t hold a pen for more than a sentence or two so here i am tonight i have been contemplating the changes my brain has undergone from lyme if it weren t so upsetting i d find it fairly fascinating i am no longer an extrovert that s been a hard transition i miss the old me the new me wants to be alone most of the time the new me craves immense solitude the new me still can t handle being in public for very long the new me avoids people events and parties the new me is perfectly content to be alone for hours on end i think the only way to really deal with this is to accept it and adjust i m trying posted by keri at 11 08 pm 1 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest saturday may 21 2016 a very long and overdue update from russia i wish i could go back in time and post something for every day we were here thus far but no such luck we ve already been here 14 full days and this is the first moment i felt i could write the trip started out very rough because i had no clue that the flight would cause such a flare up of my lyme symptoms i had to spend the first few days mostly in bed then i picked up sasha one too many times and my back gave out back to bed when i was finally on the mend we experienced a mini catastrophe in the form of a flood in anya s brand new apartment no time to blog when you are literally hanging on by a thread let s just say it was a few days i d rather forget i can t bear to see anya cry and it is a very rare occurrence so it was a heart breaking few days i was mortified to have to reach out online and ask for help once again but when it comes to anya and my other russian kids i just can t not ask i love them too much to let my pride get in the way i hate asking but i love that i have such a supportive group of friends to help most of them know i have done or would do the same for them so i guess i ll just share some highlights meeting sasha was a dream come true anya my friend polina and little sasha surprised us at the airport at 5am sasha immediately ran to me and wanted me to pick her up i held her and she snuggled into my neck and said baba baba sweetest little words i cried of course seeing anya again was wonderful too and it was fantastic to see her walking so much better on her bad foot last time i was here she could hardly walk with it now it s just a limp meeting anya s next door neighbors was another highlight they are a brother and sister that share the tiniest apartment you ve ever seen their names are katya and kolya and katya s 7 year old son sasha lives there too the whole place is about 10ft by 10ft plus a bathroom they all sleep together on a tiny couch i have no idea how they do it sasha doesn t even have one toy so of course i gave him a few things the building anya lives in was build specifically for kids who aged out of the orphanage and destitute people who have no home all the apartments are about the size of a small american bedroom but they all seem delighted with what they have the sad part is this place was really thrown together haphazardly and already everything is falling apart why it drives me crazy anya already has to replace the tub faucet in the bathroom and the door handle as the cheap plastic they used broke after a few days use the front door handle is already falling apart and every single apartment is like that the part that makes me so mad is that there are dozens of articles in the news about this amazing project and basically how great the local govt is for creating them i wish those same govt officials had to live in one for a week because of the flood and the size of anya s place too we opted to rent a small apt in kemerovo via airbnb for half the trip matilda and i are staying here with sasha half the time and anya and nastia get their sister time at anya s it is working out well the week we spent at anya s was hard because just our suitcases alone took up half the space getting anything done proved impossible try sitting on the edge of an air mattress to prepare dinner on the floor and no one can move while you do it or things become impossible fast another highlight was meeting the girls birthmother i ll try to write more about it at some point but for now i ll say it was so meaningful to meet her and i really really like her poverty destroyed her and their family with even a few dollars a month they could likely have stayed together but the girls were starving and she was losing her mind over it what i didn t know was that her first trip to jail was for stealing food for them i had heard it was their father who did this but it was oksana she truly loves her girls and is trying to make up for what happened 20 years ago she is funny bright intense and very very outgoing we got along great and talked for hours the most recent highlight has been spending quality time with daniel the son that putin took away from me i don t talk about him much these days because it is honestly too painful but while i am here with him and happy i will share daniel has not changed except in stature and maturity he is the same sweet kind gentle sensitive boy i first met he and matilda get along great and he watches over her like a big brother he stayed last night and is coming back tomorrow i want to spend as much time with you as i can he said because maybe i will not see you for three years again he acts very grown up out in public and with others around but once matilda went to bed he curled up with his head on my lap just like he used to as a little boy held my hand and fell asleep he still needs and wants a mom he still dreams of coming to america he still hopes we will be together in one place someday if only last highlight is that i m also spending time with my former student and wonderful friend olya olya was one of my shakespeare students here back in 2010 we have kept in touch and she came to visit me in the us in summer 2014 it is wonderful to see her again matilda is in heaven bc she adores her olya translated for us today while daniel and vanya were visiting my hand is cramping so i need to go for now i ll try to add some photos more soon because tomorrow we spend the day at olya s dacha posted by keri at 10 09 am 7 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest monday may 02 2016 preparing for russia in two days we leave for 5 weeks abroad almost a month in siberia and a week in london so matilda can spend time with her bio sisters i wanted to post more about the trip but lyme really has wreaked havoc on my cognitive abilities and reading and writing are very slow laborious tasks now so bear with me i also feel a strange shame that my posts are not nearly as well written and interesting as they used to be guess that s my dad the writer in me i don t want to disappoint my readers since my mind can t really focus as well my posts may be all over the place but maybe the act of writing will help organize my thoughts i have equal amounts of joy and terror about this trip explosive joy due to the fact that i get to spend an extended time with anya and meet my granddaughter for the first time i can t even sleep i am so excited about that catching up with all the kids...