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Text of the page (random words):
y bereaved and i want to do something but i don t know what to do she has family nearby thankfully or i would have staked out a tent in her backyard i am in so much pain that i don t even know how to be sensible about this but i suppose that is the same thing that all of my family and friends felt when william died it s everyone s tragedy but none so much as those who loved pale best shontael asked me if it was like the scab had been ripped off from my healing of william she is so much more emotionally smart than i am it is like that but as i told her at least it has let me know that there has been healing and maybe her knowing that i have been able to heal some will help her know that she can too when the time comes leave a comment 7 jul 2015 hell posted in loss by doctorbridget i m not afraid to be tortured i m not afraid to die i m not afraid that there might be a hell or that if there were such a dimension that by some readings of religious texts i should be bound there forever my religiousity filled relatives annoy me because they can t seem to grasp what living in the here and now means and they can t seem to understand what kind of deep unconditional and unjudging love the diety they worship purports to offer do people like this even love their kids i wonder or would they sacrifice them on an alter of zeal in order to save their own wretched skins and they don t get that the after life if there is anything after you leave this life is the thing that comes after you know living this life the best that you could hell is real proclaims a billboard along the highway i take to visit my kin but they don t need to advertise that fact to me i know hell i know what it s like to revisit all of your life s choices and re evaluate them in light of how things did turn out i know what it s like to feel the weight of a thousand devils on your chest i know what it s like to be tortured to have to re live the very worst thing that you could ever possibly imagine over and over and over and over to replay a handful of minutes like when a dvd skips and shows you the same scene and you wish you could tell the characters not to go into the basement but they never listen and you know it is going to end badly but instead of some over paid poorly trained teenage actors it s your son whom you love more than the world and his pain his suffering his end are real and permanent and what s worst the monsters in the story are him and you he is the monster who took your child s life and you are not only the monster who drove him to it but the incompetent soul who tried and failed to save him i know what hell is all others who think they have any right to judge or condemn either don t comprehend hell or are sadists who belong there themselves i ll see you in hell leave a comment 2 feb 2015 legos versus bionicles posted in loss by doctorbridget i had promised my dear friend that i would bequeath william s transformers to her son who was only two and a half years younger than william and who counted him one of his best friends for most of his life i had forgotten that promise until a couple of days before his 18th birthday suddenly the idea recurred to me and i dug through storage to retrieve them so that i could give him something truly meaningful for his first adult birthday he still plays with transformers as do most 18 year old boys whether or not they admit it and thought it would be nice to be able to play with his friend again even though he is no longer here they used to lend and borrow transformers back and forth between the times they saw each other each having acquired a new one that was of interest to the other between times so i went to my storage bin and located the tote that contained most of the s as well as grabbing three totes of legos bionicles assorted toys that i had promised to other friends of william s who like him still actively played with their favorite childhood toys and who had shared this pastime with him in better days sorting through the transformers and pulling out the extra bits of legos and other toys to set aside was difficult but i had waited until the last minute so the time crunch was a bit of a blessing i mostly stuck the other toy pieces into a shoe box to deal with later though i did take some time to go through the journal that william had kept when he was 5 6 years old and was once again amazed by the rate of his development from drawing 2 dimensional figures that were composed primarily of lines to figures that resembled 3 dimensional shapes with articulated joints and his sudden ability to write strings of letters that resembled english words for example this exchange der mom i love you ples clen my room love willam dear william i love you too but i will not clean your room for you i will help you clean it if you ask nicely though love mom going through his things has dragged me back to where i was a year ago i don t know if that means that i have not been grieving properly or if this is just a normal hiccup on my own development but it is hard as i sat there trying to sort bionicle from lego as i used to do when i would help him clean his room not so very long ago it occurred to me how horribly unfair it was that here was an adult child who could not decide on the difference between bionicle and lego yet he thought he could choose between life and death and made the wrong call and now so many are affected by his choice it s just so unfair to william who still had so much promise ahead of him to his friends who still want to play transformers and legos and to me who has to sort through the remaining toys without being able to ask do you want this in the lego or bionicle box leave a comment 27 nov 2014 erasable ink posted in loss rambling by doctorbridget the worst thing lately is that i forget i knew this day would come i have lost other important people in my life and have forgotten them and i knew that i would forget william that i would go on about my life and not remember exactly what he was like who he was what it was like to have him be a part of my life all of me who i am has changed for having had him in my life but it is not the same as what i want it to be that is holding him in me as part of me as part of my life what do i mean by this i want so so much for him to continue existing beyond the short time and space that he occupied in his short life but i am not at all convinced that there is any kind of after life that aside from the mark he has left upon this world that there is any william left in the universe or outside of it i want to believe in a soul in something ever living that he will continue to affect the world after his premature departure from it but it seems like so much wishful thinking and my own projections but even so if as my therapist suggests we have an after life in the minds and hearts of those we have touched during our lives and if that is all that there is to us after we are finished breathing and doing in this world then what kind of a homage what kind of an afterlife am i giving to william if i cannot even remember who he was to those who i am closest to to those who he was closest to i fail him again and again his memory is like a writing in erasable ink that has been rubbed over and only the outline of the bold parts has been preserved and as i search for the outline of where he used to be i get lost again and again as the story is re written over the old script leave a comment the blue caboose when i was a kid riding in a car with my grandmother she helped me and my siblings to patiently wait out the train crossings by telling us to try to figure out what color the caboose was going to be on a side note i am very disappointed that they did away with cabooses for many reasons but most especially the disappointing denouement that is the end of a train with no caboose to herald the end whether she was trying to train us in some kind of sixth sense or hone our powers of deduction or introduce us to statistical probability or most likely just get us to sit through the train crossing without hitting spitting or breathing on each other it was actually a valuable lesson that i did not fully understand until today the first several times we played this game i was actually successful at guessing the color of the caboose after a while however i was overwhelmed by my desire to see a blue caboose because i felt that they were underrepresented and because blue was my favorite color another side note in the second grade my teacher was taking some interesting education classes and they tested us to see what our power colors were they made us hold our arm out and push back against a downward force to see which colors made us strongest i got blue and yellow they then let us decorate our desks with construction paper with those colors i have no idea if it helped but i appreciated that they were willing to dabble in strange methodologies to help us out and i learned that i really really like the color blue the lesson that i should have learned then but did not appreciate until now was that if you are too busy wishing for something to be just the way you want it you are less likely to perceive what is coming down the tracks and less likely to appreciate what is actually in store for you it is not until you let go of any expectations of what the universe has in store for you that you can begin to get a sense of where you are going and it is not until you give up trying to make it be the way you want it to be that you will learn to appreciate what you actually get when you let the universe move you without resistance you go where you will best gain that which you need we own nothing nothing is ours not even love that burns as bright as baby stars but this poverty is our greatest gift the weightlessness of us as things around us begin to shift indigo girls http www youtube com watch v njzmymecngq link posted on september 1 2014 by doctorbridget leave a comment 7 aug 2014 the memory game posted in loss by doctorbridget on the first anniversary of william s death i keep finding myself standing in front of the door pausing hesitating i knock and there is no response there can be no response i know this to be true even as i allow myself to knock time and again in memory i stand there knocking and waiting afraid to push the door open because of what i will find there and what it means to the rest of my life william s life my everything while that door remains closed william is like schroedinger s cat sealed inside the box both dead and alive while i allow my memory to stop here while i am still afraid i am almost optimistic i imagine that on the other side of the door william is seated at his computer playing minecraft or perhaps he s lying on his bed reading a book i listen in memory at the door and i know it is silent there is no clacking of keys on the computer no flipping of pages of a book there is not even the sound of a phone opening and closing to read text messages there is no sound of steady breathing neither nose whistling nor mouth breathing though i can remember all of those sounds at one time or another i can stand there and imagine that william has simply left except that i noticed his shoes are all by the front door and he doesn t leave the house in bare feet i can stand there in front of the door and imagine all the possibilities but i prefer to think that he has merely fallen asleep exhausted from crying and being angry when i do finally allow myself to gently push on the door it doesn t budge many times william has sat in front of his door when he was angry with me and didn t want to talk and especially didn t want to see me or for me to see him crying i can pause here and remember the times he has pouted just like this and how each time before had played out with my pushing in the door just enough to slip inside and his jumping up to try to push me out the door the older he got the more difficult it was for me to get in and the easier it was for him to push me back out but the wrestling match that would ensue once i got the door open usually helped to resolve whatever tension there was between us as i would make my case as he struggled to move my weight and often made him laugh in the process still i stand before the closed door in memory allowing myself these optimistic fantasies eventually i have to tell william to knock it off and open the door i just want to talk but of course he does not relent and so i am left with no choice but eventually to push open the door i can stand in front of it for as long as i like in memory but eventually i must open the door the resistance on the other side of the door is great and i can only get it open a few inches and i can see his shoulder and arm and i panic as i realize there is no muscular tension in his arm that he is not holding the door closed i yell anyway for him to open the fucking door and i throw my weight against it and then it is too late i cannot unsee or undo what he has done and without painful suppression and active distraction i cannot pause the memory as i am thrown into action trigger warning do not click on read more unless you really are psychologically prepared to read about the gory details i wouldn t if i were you seriously do yourself a favor and just leave it the point is that i need to stop waiting in front of that door in memory and allow myself to process the most painful traumatic memories so that they can become less traumatic less raw and incorporate them into the rest of my memory so on the anniversary of my beautiful william s death i am actively allowing myself to remember and feel and for me expressing emotions is easier with words because that in itself begins the process of abstraction which i desperately need to happen to these traumatic memories continue reading grief memory suicide trauma yahrzeit 3 comments 5 aug 2014 pressing out posted in loss by doctorbridget as a linguist word etymologies and cognates across languages have always fascinated me which is partly why i got involved in linguistics also because i jumped two dialect regions when my parents moved me in the 3rd grade so i had first hand experience about talking funny and sociolinguistic pressure as a native english speaker there are many borrowed words that i use in daily conversation whose compositional meaning is opaque to me until it isn t when i started learning german i learned a lot more about english than i ever did in an english class i have a million examples but the one i want to talk about is ausdrücken that is to express in german literally to press out yes yes i know that s what our latinate borrowed form also means but it seems more opaque than that when you have been using a word since childhood without ever having had to analyze its composition and so when you are expressing an emotion you are actually squeezing it out of yourself kind of like when you give birth to a child perhaps this is why artists fe...