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movie the exorcist and mental illness should not be associated with words and phrases like that my opinion below not a nice vision to me this is what i think of when i hear inner demons discussed when people talk of inner struggles that many people have posted in uncategorized tagged bipolar death depression family grief loss mental health mental illness suicide 13 comments morning glories peaches and my kaitlyn s spirit posted on august 17 2014 by gatito2 some of you might remember last october when i told of the one single purple morning glory that we saw in the brush wooded area in our back yard that was surrounded by nothing but dead brush it was right there all beautiful and perfect and purple what was so special about this is that i had never in the 26 years we have lived at this house seen any morning glories anywhere near our house including that area also there were no more morning glories around it at all in no other part of the brush or wooded area around our house nowhere it was all by itself in the middle of deadness i took this as a sign from kaitlyn for one she loved purple for another reason she wrote a poem about morning glories that was a metaphor for something else i took it as a sign from her well this year that very same brush is filled with purple morning glories and never has been before but the brush is still alive because it is august and this morning allyn and i noticed morning glories in the top of our one remaining peach tree in our back yard but they are blue and small we ve never had morning glories in our peach tree before it is one of our remaining 3 peach trees that is half dead and i am so surprised when it continues to put out peaches each year fresh peaches was one of kaitlyn s most favorite fruits to eat that tree just continues to hang on putting out her peaches and now it has morning glories i m not worried about the morning glories killing the tree i expect that tree to completely die at any time i don t see kaitlyn in the distant tree line across my house anymore looking beautiful dressed in a black dress ready to go to the opera or symphony or play as i always did each time i went outside which is often she s no longer there watching me worrying about me i know she was don t worry about my sanity i know it was not really her but that vision is gone now i no longer have visitation dreams from her i have had 5 beautiful visitation dreams from her that started a few months after she died and the last one being in february i feel like she has gone on to where she had to go but she has remained and always be in my heart and soul and memory and somehow she sends those thousands of dragonflies to my yard every single day at my front door at my back door they fly around me everywhere i go to my doctor appointment in the parking lot the other day to my appointment to try to get the volunteer job last week they flew all in the back parking lot as i watched them from behind the big window there she knew i loved dragonflies and bought a porcelain tea kettle with dragonflies on it for me before she died and she has sent the morning glories knowing how she wrote about them and what she meant by what she wrote the morning glory was a metaphor for her and her life i will always remember her and love her and savor the signs that i get in my last dream about her she got onto a tram with other young people to go somewhere and i think that place was heaven the soul never dies i ll see you again kaitlyn falling into being you you with the clovers in your hair your braided sun beams flowers and winged things how you ll never know the species of them but you know them by their colors their tiny reflected sunlights you call them cousins by their hues this one is robin red this one is lily white you touch them with your bluebird eyes what is the final truth then is it that they live that there s beauty in existing as you are before the sun had risen you cupped your hands around your mouth and whispered to the spiraled bud of a morning glory why will you bloom no answer until the morning and then it unfurled its petals its greeting to the day to a lifetime you sat and watched this little being bloom with the magnificence of purpose it was beautiful in its silence in its pride you gave it the honor of breathing softly of acknowledging its vulnerability you knew it was weaker less protected as a softly petaled bloom than as a bud you saluted its courage and when it died in the dusk of fading lights and fading colors you stood in reverence as you do at the funeral of a man who lived well shed a tear but smiled in acceptance of a gift you never intended to receive and by morning you had discerned the colors of yourself you had fallen into being by kaitlyn elkins i saw kaitlyn in my dream this morning update at end posted in uncategorized tagged bipolar children death depression dreams family grief loss mental health mental illness poetry spirits suicide 6 comments in remembrance of kaitlyn elkins by wake forest school of medicine posted on august 16 2014 by gatito2 every long once in a while i like to put this link up that wake forest school of medicine made on their online newsletter in memory of kaitlyn it continuously runs on that newsletter they created a fund for their wellness center to give more resources and help for those students there that experience depression and make it easier for them to access these resources without fear of bad consequences to their education and career they are trying and taking steps and have actually hired another psychologist for that sole purpose i myself will give to this cause every year so hopefully what happened to kaitlyn will never happen to another medical student at wake med if any of you have a few dollars to give does not have to be much or as much as you want it would be wonderful to me and the rest of our family if you would honor kaitlyn by a donation if you can if not simply click on this link and read the dedication to kaitlyn and look at some of her art and poetry and a few lines from classmates which to me are rather sad and made me know how lonely my daughter may have been i hope medical schools continue to make things better for their medical students to make better the horribly isolating and stressful environment that they live in which causes much depression not that kaitlyn ever mentioned anything about that it is still true as i ve heard from many med students and doctors that it is true i ve heard from some physicians that they would not wish being a doctor in this day and age on their worst enemy as being a doctor is nothing like it once was they once had respect did not have to be at the mercy of insurance companies and ridiculous malpractice premiums get sued at the drop of a hat and try to cram in as many patients as humanly possible not because that is what they want but because that is what they have to do to even make money and the list goes on and on and on if i had known what being a physician means in this day and age i would have gotten down on my hands and knees and begged kaitlyn not to go into such a field instead of the few talks i gave her about well you know med school is horribly hard residency is a torture chamber and being a doctor consumes your life i would have done more than that i would have begged her to do something else whether that would have made a difference or not i don t know because kaitlyn was very strong willed we won t have any good doctors in america one day the way things are going then what will we do http www wakehealth edu oasis remembering kaitlyn elkins htm posted in uncategorized tagged bipolar bleakness children death depression despair doctors family grief loss medical school mental health mental illness physicians psychiatry psychology sadness suicide suicide prevention wake forest school of medicine 11 comments my epiphany posted on august 14 2014 by gatito2 i ve had a very complicated day where i have felt hopeful scared mad sad excited all in one rollercoaster ride it started out early this morning with my one hour drive to see my psychologist to start my first session of emdr i heard it was very hard at first because she makes me live through in my mind and tell her what i saw and how i felt about the worst thing that keeps running around in my head like a movie that won t cut off there s many horrible things but i had to choose the most traumatic so she can kind of de program those horrible thoughts into something manageable i didn t really worry about this as i write a lot of things that just thinking about them upset me but writing about them relieves some of the pressure it was harder than i thought more about that later so as i drive this one hour drive as i always do i do a lot of thinking and my plans to go back to work and all then my mind moved to the thought of just how angry i have been with god ever since kaitlyn died i know some of you will cringe at that but it s the truth i think god would understand i ve been angry with him because my prayers did not come true to help keep my children safe and let them make good decisions i wondered after kaitlyn died what s the point in praying it must make no difference i ve also been angry that he did not send his angels to put that thought into kaitlyn s head in her time of despair that life might just be worth fighting for i know some that have been saved from the brink of suicide by some quiet but strong voice or feeling why did this not happen with kaitlyn people keep telling me that god can t interfere with free will but my daughter was ill and did not have rational thinking at the time she did this of her free will but she was sick why couldn t he interfere with that and don t get me started on how i feel about all the injustices and horrible things that happen in this world and the evil that some people do i won t even go into that but that has nothing to do with this point i m trying to make i ve been angry with god for a long time now but on the drive to my appointment i had this thought occur to me i m being angry at the one being that i hope with all my heart that kaitlyn is with i hope she is in his presence surrounded by peace happiness and love how can i be angry at him when with him is where i so want her to be then i began to think about what people have always said about forgiveness even if someone has done something horrible to someone you love or to you the only way for you to feel any better is to forgive that person because if you don t you won t be hurting them but hurting yourself all that anger just festers up inside of you until it turns you into something you don t want to be and the more i thought about it the more i thought what is the use in being mad at god if i continue to be angry with him i will turn into a very bitter and angry woman for the rest of my life and i don t want that i have always cringed at the platitudes well that s what i always thought they were that well meaning people would tell me like it was god s will or we will all know his plan one day and those kinds of things but the truth of it is i don t know his plans none of us do and i have to think that in the grand scheme of things that somehow everything will fit and make sense not on this earth but the existence we have when we die i hope to god that there must have been some plan in mind for my kaitlyn and that now she is like she said in a visitation dream exactly where i m supposed to be i have to cling to this that s not to mean to sound like i think suicide should be a reason to get to a happier place suicide is the result of a very depressed mind and not some grand plan or wonderful escape but i m going to have to trust in god now to take care of my kaitlyn until i am able to see her again i refuse to think that she no longer exists somewhere our soul never dies i m not sure i might not think something entirely different tomorrow but for today my heart is softening in my feelings about god i don t know the answers to everything no matter how hard i try to ponder them out so i will just have to let those questions go or they will drive me crazy i ve not accepted her death i m so very sad to have lost her and especially that she suffered the way she did in silence but the only comfort i have is that i will see her again i have to cling to that so during my session with my psychologist and talking about the visions that i have that so disturb me i would tell you what they are but that might trigger someone or something i could barely talk about it for crying so hard it was excruciatingly painful so painful that for me a person who has written volumes about my daughter and talk about her freely this thing that i had to explain i could barely get out of my mouth and i cried so hard i don t like to cry in front of people not because i m ashamed or think it a weakness i just feel uncomfortable crying in front of people but in the long run she will work with me to make those horrible visions be more tolerable so i will continue after having such an epiphany on the way to the psychologist about god i was feeling pretty good after my appointment with the psychiatrist i was pretty traumatized weak and exhausted i cried half the way home as i drove then i heard the song that i so love and that has always given me such hope since it came out after kaitlyn died i will see you again kaitlyn this is just for you posted in uncategorized tagged bipolar children death depression family grief loss mental health mental illness suicide 12 comments older posts blog stats 360 846 hits my kaitlyn follow blog via email enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email email address follow join 1 333 other subscribers you can purchase my new book here my new book archives august 2014 july 2014 june 2014 may 2014 april 2014 march 2014 february 2014 january 2014 december 2013 november 2013 october 2013 september 2013 august 2013 july 2013 june 2013 may 2013 my facebook my facebook me gatito2 my name is rhonda i m a registered nurse for the last 20 years that has not been able to work since the day i learned of my daughter s death by suicide 4 12 13 she actually died 4 11 13 and her body was not found until the 12th me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he s a wonderful man we grieve in different ways he works i write this is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child view full profile top posts pages when kaitlyn was 15 inner demons blogs i follow amanda trusty says caitybee370 s blog 68 ways to remember you storiform com living breathing and surviving and coping with mental illness laurnaguistepublicist bipolar in medical school daring greatly this is your sign cat s book library 4 readers fried s blog i fall to pieces gone catawampus monstersinsidemyhead means on toast johncoyote climbing up the polka dot tree a haze in the starlight hollowed out mourningamymarie 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