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Text of the page (random words):
sweet beautiful lovely amy marie oh how i miss you with love dee share this email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest like loading posted in cancer compassionate friends death of a child death of an adult child grief grieving grieving mom grieving parent loss of a child 8 comments super bowl sunday will never be the same posted at 10 55 pm by deeincollingo on february 5 2017 super bowl was a fun family day for our family during super bowl xx i miscarried a baby when amy was just shy of 7 months old without going into detail it wasnt until after amy s sudden passing that amy introduced me to amanda in a dream yeah amy even told me her little sister s name in my dream amanda was a mixture of one of my nieces and oldest daughter only one other time did i see amanda this time in one of dr weiss s guided meditations believe it or not doesnt matter because i am just grateful for the gift of that dream and meditation and the opportunity to meet my beautiful youngest child amanda with her straight brown hair and brown eyes thank you amy marie my family of five loved watching the big game together while munching on all of our special snacks once my older two moved out and it was just amy at home we ordered overpriced gourmet hoagies now my husband and i dont care what we eat every single day finds me crying despite the many reminders that i need to keep my spirits up to fight this cancer but let me assure you that my tears come from my broken disenchanted heart and not from willful intentional behavior life goes on for everyone but my husband my children and i how do i pretend otherwise is that what is expected of me pretend some people may say i always struggled with anxiety sure i suffer from anxiety but i have always been able to dance around it not any more now a dark dingy pothole has opened up and swallowed me thoughts just recycle in my brain which drag me down further as i keep saying i do not know how to live without this vibrant beautiful clever daughter who i adored i am sorry that i did not get to know amanda but glad that amy intriduced her to me in the most unconventional way cancer has not distracted me from mourning my amy i pity the fool who believes that is possible i want to beat this cancer i want to be a mom to my kids a wife to my husband a daughter to my mother a sister to my siblings an aunt to all of my nieces and nephews and possibly some day become a grandmother and a mother in law my promise is to put 100 just as i always have into these treasured relationships i adore those who are in my life especially those who have shown me unconditional love and friendship i am writing on my blog bc i am so tired of defending my right to grieve and be depressed i am writing on my blog because i am lonely and feel so misunderstood i am writing on my blog because i am so depressed and sad all the while i realize i desperately need to count my blessings too i am writing on my blog tonight bc i need a place to dump my truth i am writing on my blog bc i am always remembering amy and today i especially remember amanda too please pray for me and my family and for all of those who are living with a heavy heart due to child loss and the pain and suffering caused by cancer share this email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest like loading posted in cancer death of a child death of an adult child grief grieving grieving mom grieving parent loss of a child 9 comments tagged dr brian weiss afraid to be hopeful posted at 10 04 pm by deeincollingo on january 20 2017 when my sweet amy died suddenly on aug 4 2013 i lost my faith that was a double loss since i was born with a blind faith which sustained me through most of my life to lose one of my precious ones after all i put into raising my kids and setting a good example feels like a punishment fast forward three years of dealing with my heavy heart and what felt like a shunning from god and i learn i have cancer no symptoms totally blindsided again how cruel to match my emotional pain w the physical pain of cancer why me again there is no answer again this latest attack has left me trapped in my drugged grief head and searching for a merciful lord who will grant me more time with my husband children and loved ones praying remains difficult and awkward but i find it helps so many people including strangers are praying for me which makes me want to pray even more asking amy and her new friends on the other side of the veil for help is not easy either but when i light a candle for amy and her friends i do ask them to grant me many more years here on this side of the veil many would assume i would want to join amy but my pull is to remain here because i have more work to do on this side life can throw you in a deep dark tunnel of despair more than once regardless of how you live your life there are no guarantees or rewards for good behavior my last scan showed that the chemo is working in fact after first three chemos my scan results were amazing most people would think i would be estatic but i am afraid to be hopeful one more chemo treatment to go so if you pray please pray for me if you light a candle i would appreciate that too there are miracles and why not me does god or the universe owe me a miracle my rational mind knows that miracles are not earned any more than a guarantee given that if my husband and i are good parents that we get to keep all of our children faith believes in miracles and provides hope oh how i need my faith now as i am always always missing loving and remembering my amy while i pray to be restored to a good physical health on this side of the veil thank you to anyone who reads this post and decides to say a prayer or light a candle for me xo dee share this email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest like loading posted in grieving 16 comments immunity denied again this time cancer posted at 10 48 am by deeincollingo on november 21 2016 after a painful sleepless summer where i was misdiagnosed i was finally blindsided by a diagnosis i never expected cancer i debated during my lucid hours in september and october whether or not to share on my blog my newest challenge on this so called journey in life do i have a responsibility to share this horrible what is just news to 95 of the people who read my postings is an explanation required if i never ever post again obviously i made a decision to share my news fight fight fight is what they all say if only it were that easy i can almost hear them whispering you know no wonder she got sick she lost a daughter and she could not get over her grief i resent that anyone would insinuate that amy caused this cancer it happens but is it unreasonable to think that losing amy would have excused me from cancer well it didn t now i am back to the thoughts and prayers and i am sorry texts again i am in the victim role and here we go again poor dee she lost her daughter and now 3 years later she has cancer if you are thinking that well i agree i am not willing or able to share the details of this horribly painful health crisis i find myself sucked into here i am again isolated from the general population and being held hostage under circumstances which are out of my control simple tasks are no longer simple chemo is horrible but part of the fight for those who have gone through this battle once again there are no words to explain the physical pain it causes along with the psychological pain and frustration when your body betrays you babies and children are not excused and i now have a new intimate understanding of this disease as well as a new understanding of that six letter word there was a time when the word cancer was just a scary word but now it rules my life how dare this happen after i have suffered the worst thing that could happen but just like child loss cancer does not discriminate seriously god universe why this time there have been life lessons once again you find out what you mean to others i have learned that i am loved that i know for sure i find myself asking others whether they are supporting me because they think i am going to die or if they want to help me to live i need team recovery supporters and cannot stress how much i need to believe i can beat this because i have learned i am not ready to join my precious amy how cruel to steal my daughter and then find myself living inside of another nightmare how dare my family have to watch me suffer and live in fear that our small family will shrink again its not fair life isnt fair i am angry sick and tired chemo is as horrible as i have heard but couldn t truly imagine radiation is no picnic either losing your hair steals the last sense you have of yourself so you are forced to muster up the courage to look in the mirror to put on your cute scarf people try to reassure you that you look just fine but you see the difference and it ain t pretty i am so darn tired but team recovery wants me to push push push while my body screams rest rest rest people are kind thoughtful and generous to people who have this horrific disease well at least my people have been kind to me cancer takes a toll on relationships roles change resentment brews depression sets in responsibilities are overloaded and you quickly learn the true meaning of the vows you take for better or for worse hello who wouldn t be depressed if they had cancer why would anyone question why i am so sad and totally overwhelmed however i am also so grateful to every single person who has supported me in whatever way they could i never spent one night alone in the hospital and i must have had over 50 visitors during the 3 different hospital rehab stays and continue to have countless visitors gifts and food at home we are so blessed to have the precious family and friends supporting us i cant say that enough after reading this post please don t comment about how sorry you are or leave me with the thoughts and prayers pity phrase prayers are welcome light a candle for me light a candle or say a prayer for amy it goes without saying that this sucks and you feel sorry for me i feel sorry for me as we enter the most wonderful time of the year i am once again so grateful to those who have showed up and supported me in so many loving ways these past 3 years but how am i to manage being a bereaved mom with cancer during this holiday season i dont know how to be a mom who lost a child and now one who is also battling cancer just so happens i have 2 chemo treatments each 6 hour sessions in december joy to the world i will write again when my energy permits in the meantime i am battling cancer and appreciate your prayers that i can beat this and will be granted more time to spend with my loved ones on this side of the veil please join my team recovery by saying a prayer for me i feel the angel hugs from my amy who reassured my heart she is doing just fine without me that knowledge does not make me miss her less or make her death ok i still want her back i will always want her here with me please pray for me while i am fighting this hideous disease and always loving and missing my amy share this email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest like loading posted in cancer compassionate friends death of a child death of an adult child grief grieving grieving mom grieving parent loss of a child 20 comments the invisible wound posted at 4 51 pm by deeincollingo on august 27 2016 those of us who have lost a child carry an invisible wound which we realize most of our loved ones and friends are not capable of viewing or comprehending the wound is raw bleeds frequently and yes at times it is ugly the world is unable to capture a photo of this deep painful wound so truly no one is prepared to witness the depth of child loss and come back for a second look seems since they cannot fix it it is just easier to stay away from this unrecognizable pain in many cases their offer to help is like the offer to help when you are moving hoping you won t call carrying on a friendship with a grieving parent requires stepping way outside of your comfort zone as you helplessly watch the devastation of what losing a child does to your friend i lost a dear friend because i was too screwed up to support her in the way she deserved she wrote me off very easily as well as the rest of my family i imagine she even wrote off amy now that is cruel and then there is the everything happens for a reason bullshit line that people say seriously what are you smoking to say that to a parent who lost a child hello we are not talking about getting fired from a job and landing a better job or getting dumped by a cheating boyfriend how many of your loved ones and friends have written you off because they do not know what to do with this grieving parent with the dead eyes and the apathetic disposition indeed they assume your new disconnected behavior must be willful and its best to just leave you alone what they dont realize is that all of the wires in us have short circuited and we have no idea how to reconnect with ourselves let alone those around us clearly the means of support is impersonal as it comes in the form of an email or text message what happened to picking up the phone or coming for a visit luckily i do have a few friends my sisters and mom who support me personally rather than electronically how did we evolve into electronic relationships that is not friendship sad but true people do not have time for people many times they are too busy trying to fix rather than just listen no griever requires 24 7 support and as time goes on their needs change as true lonliness sinks in it is beyond lonely living here without one s child when i exited that hospital on that beautiful sunday morning i was transformed into an alien because nothing and no one looked the same my life as i knew it was now over and i was helpless to do anything other than get into autopilot mode to make arrangements make arrangements for my 27 year old precious youngest child while a voice inside of me was screaming no no no yet we do what we must because that is what parents do for their children we take care of them whether they are alive or dead i stood next to amy s coffin accepting condolenses for many hours protecting her in my own mother s way yet what the hell was i protecting her from i asked the funeral director s son to please leave a light on for amy that night before the funeral mass because amy was afraid of the dark and he assured me he would i could not shed my mother role and just hand her over to god why were so many people trying to reassure me she was in a better place now how did they know did they watch her go there had they been there themselves which one of their loved ones would they like to send to that better place just crap people say i...