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this is your sign this is your sign to keep fighting this is your sign this is your sign to keep fighting menu skip to content suicide prevention so what s the big deal april 30 2014 youfoundmolly14 leave a comment kaitlyn did you know april 30 2014 youfoundmolly14 2 comments this is so heartfelt my bright shining star my wonderful kaitlyn in the year that you have been gone i have had the great fortune to have from time to time antibiotics poured onto the wounds of my soul that were caused by your suicide though there are not many things that help me get through this there are those wonderful times that i get to view how other people saw you some of these people i don t even know some i did a little some i had heard of but never met these wonderful people who you had met or spent time with during various activities of your life at different times of your life have taken the time to sit down and write to me and tell me of those times they spent with you what a wonderful person you were and how you touched their lives kaitlyn having them do this ranks among the highest view original post 664 more words my story april 24 2014 april 25 2014 youfoundmolly14 6 comments my name is molly parker i m going to be 18 in only two more weeks and i feel like i m 30 depression has a way of taking over and making you into someone you re truly not i feel sharing my story and the struggles i ve experienced will help others come forward and share their stories i know what it feels like to believe you re alone i m hoping after reading this blog you ll understand that you re not alone i can still remember the first time i picked up that razor and believed it was my friend it was almost nine years ago i had come home from school after another day of being bullied and pushed around and just said to myself i can t do this anymore i know you re thinking that s so stupid why would you think about something like that at only nine years old it comes to the point to where you don t know what else to do you don t know who to turn to anymore because everyone you turned to let you down you feel alone and you just want the world to stop just for a minute for that one minute you feel like you re the only person in the world you feel like everything is gone for the moment and it s just you you re on top of the world kid then time starts again and it s like that split second of happiness never happened so you pick up that razor and do what you do best you cut you cut until you can t see straight anymore until your head hurts and your eyes are watering you see red and you re done you put the razor away and walk out of the bathroom like nothing happened just wash the blood away and put on that big hoodie you wear all the time no one will know that s what i told myself after every cut i was right no one ever knew not until you raise up your sleeve and forget your inner struggles are now being seen on the outside it s just scratches from the cat no one ever believed it although they looked at me and smiled changing the subject i couldn t tell anyone no one would understand everyone will think i m crazy or stupid or laugh at me what s the point a couple years pass and the scars become more difficult to hide how does a child explain to their parents that they don t feel good enough that their best friend is a razor blade how could no one know that i feel dead inside then i would sit and think to myself maybe if i m louder they ll hear me no one did no one heard my cries for help making me feel even more alone i found a way to cover it up though drugs it started with the xanax adderal hydrocodone pill after pill cut after cut just take another pill darling that s what the voices in my head would say and they d laugh at me i always listened finally one night i took one too many pills and overdosed i can say i never tried to stop it i just sat in my bathroom floor drawing waiting for the mixture of pills to kick in and kill me take me out of my misery i almost died that night i laid down holding the suicide not i wrote close to me then it happened the pills kicked each other in the face and came right back up into the toilet i failed i was very disappointed my first trip to the mental facility valley was april of 2013 i had cut myself 50 times on various places on my body and i couldn t hide it i faked my way out of there very quick i was only there for five days and smiled my way out just to go back home to my razor i had hidden the second time was pretty much the same i was there for the same reason except this time i had overdosed when you re ready to go you ll try anything i went from trying to hang myself in the closet to slitting my wrists and taking pills i would have to say jumping in front of an 18 wheeler was one of my closest near death experience well second closest the third and final time i was sent to valley was in february right after valentine s day the drugs had gotten harder and to me my time was running out i was destroying my body with meth everyday for months i dropped 30 pounds in a two week period my teeth began to chip and i began getting paranoid that something really bad was going to happen to me nothing specific meth just whacks you out i made the mistake of smoking so much meth i lost myself i wasn t even molly anymore i went crazy beating on my family and finally slit my wrists i was dying i could feel myself actually dying and i was so happy i was ready i was done with everything and i just wanted to go home the meth made me aggressive so even while have in this world half in another i still managed to try to destroy everyone that got in my way that night after my drug test and stitches i was transported to valley by two police officers i was still pissed and all i wanted was a cigarette and to go home i tried fighting my way out of there but it just got me sedated valley never helped me that much but i can say that visit i found who molly really was the molly hiding behind the drugs and the scars i m a human being it took me realizing that to begin to fix myself i still live with the scars everyday i m reminded every single day of the struggles i went through and it makes me smile i made it i finally made it now i m graduating i have a job i ve been clean from cutting and drugs for over a month now i m singing again i m smiling again i m molly again the whole point of this blog is to show those struggling that it s okay to ask for help it s okay to cry it s okay to scream no one here is going to try to save you we are going to stand by your side as you learn to save yourself you re not alone go to as a therapist or a psychiatrist to put you on medication to help boost your enthusiasm in helping yourself i m not saying it s going to be easy it s going to be a long hard road but this site is for you so you don t have to walk that road alone you re worth something i promise rant vent cry let this be your diary let it out it s okay to not be okay molly parker search for recent posts suicide prevention so what s the big deal kaitlyn did you know my story recent comments youfoundmolly14 on kaitlyn did you know youfoundmolly14 on my story stacysflutterings on my story gatito2 on kaitlyn did you know youfoundmolly14 on my story archives april 2014 categories suicide prevention uncategorized meta create account log in entries feed comments feed wordpress com search for recent posts suicide prevention so what s the big deal kaitlyn did you know my story recent comments youfoundmolly14 on kaitlyn did you know youfoundmolly14 on my story stacysflutterings on my story gatito2 on kaitlyn did you know youfoundmolly14 on my story archives april 2014 categories suicide prevention uncategorized meta create account log in entries feed comments feed wordpress com create a free website or blog at wordpress com subscribe subscribed this is your sign sign me up already have a wordpress com account log in now privacy this is your sign subscribe subscribed sign up log in report 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