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on of it if you re one of those people stay home if someone orders a pisco sour that person just got back from a trip to south america if someone orders a caipirinha that person just saw a tv show about south america when you are making drinks or cooking at home you will find yourself reaching for the bar towel you usually have hanging from your belt when you re at work it may not be there this phenomenon is referred to as phantom butt rag if a customer asks what nights you work you probably showed them a good time you will destroy an unbelievable amount of socks posted by dr bamboo at 8 14 am 12 comments labels what i ve learned friday february 28 2014 what i ve learned bartending edition pt 2 it s time again for my annual laundry list of stuff i ve learned over the past year hopefully i m a little wiser than i was 12 months ago but you never can tell all that alcohol probably impaired something what i ve learned in two years of bartending in most cases people want a drink not a dissertation if you wear a hawaiian shirt people will comment on it especially in winter the last 15 minutes before you open is often a frenzy of getting everything in place and nailed down before people start arriving this is when your beer rep will show up unannounced and want to talk at length about all the great new stuff he s got people will react with genuine bewilderment and anger when you inform them you don t have any flavored vodka people will react with genuine bewilderment and anger when you inform them you don t have bud light when lighting stuff on fire go with matches rather than a lighter it looks classier and your co workers who smoke probably already stole your lighter anyway if you work at a fancy schmancy bar get your clothes at thrift stores you can get dress shirts for four bucks and ties for two it makes no sense to wear expensive stuff that s going to get splattered with all manner of crud the first time you wear it the customer is not always right but the customer does come first don t bad mouth other bars restaurants or your colleagues who work there the hospitality industry is a much smaller community than you think and they will hear about it you will be asked on a nightly basis what your favorite drink is mine happens to be a martini but that s rarely the answer they re looking for you will also be asked on a nightly basis to recommend a drink you can be passive aggressive suggest something lousy and possibly lose a customer or you could sincerely point someone to a drink they ll like and help them have a nice night hopefully you ll make the right choice some of the best food you will ever eat will be consumed while sitting on a milk crate next to a dumpster when your boss says something like there s a vip at seat 13 that person is usually a low level politician local tv news personality or someone else who will show up once and never return your real vips are the people who come in on a regular basis appreciate what you have to offer and put money in your pocket there are a lot of bartenders who want to be chefs and vice versa if a customer asks your name when they first sit down it means they want to be able to get your attention immediately when they want something if they ask your name as they re leaving it means they enjoyed their time with you and plan on coming back people will make out aggressively in comfy lounge chairs if you provide them they will also make out aggressively on barstools or in hallways anywhere really single digit temperatures will not deter people from going to a bar for a cold drink brutally high temperatures will not deter people from eating hot food on a sun blasted patio bring your own first aid kit to work with you mine is just an altoids tin full of band aids gauze and a roll of electrical tape your employer s kit may not be stocked properly and or not where it s supposed to be running all over the back of house trying to find medical supplies while vigorously bleeding is not fun right around the time you have all the drink recipes memorized they ll change the menu right around the time you learn where all the bottles are they ll rearrange the back bar people say things to servers that they would never dream of saying to bartenders if you are someone who does this understand that behaving badly and abusing the staff regardless of their position or duties doesn t make you important it makes you a jerk co workers customers vendors etc will always congregate at the one narrow opening that is the only way in out from behind the bar sexual harassment it s real and you can be fired for it if the first words out of a customer s mouth are what s on special that person doesn t really care what he she drinks they re just looking for the cheapest buzz people will tell you they can t get a decent martini in most bars don t be one of those bars sweetness is the hardest thing to calibrate in a cocktail you can give what you consider a wonderfully balanced drink to three people and one will say it s too sweet one will say it s not sweet enough and one will say it s just right the same customer can be a complete sob one night and perfectly cool another night if you slap a sprig of mint anywhere in view of customers someone will yell spank it spank that mint guaranteed this is the freebird of bartending many customers love to be guinea pigs for new recipes you re working on if you re playing around with a new drink concept let some of your more adventurous patrons give it a taste and offer feedback most people enjoy being part of the creative process if you re using your phone i m waiting on someone else it s tough to get to know dishwashers the people not the machines they come and go pretty quickly during pre shift hours co workers will use the bar as an office lunch counter makeshift kitchen etc this means computers phones restaurant supplies half eaten meals and miscellaneous projects will be strewn the length of the bar right up until the first customer walks in people really love big hunks of hand cut ice in their drinks make them if you can reasonably manage it you re either a fernet branca person or a jägermeister person many people are deathly afraid of beer that has significant color or flavor i ve been aware of this for years but it still surprises me how often people will choose the least interesting beer in the lineup if someone famous comes into your place it will invariably be on a night you aren t working giving someone their first properly made old fashioned is incredibly rewarding you don t have to like all your customers you just need to be as professional as possible with the ones you don t like just when you ve managed to get the atmosphere in the bar perfectly set your boss will begin fiddling with the lights and cranking up the music cambros are not watertight if you have to move large quantities of liquid via plane train automobile etc bear this in mind or be prepared for a trunkful of grenadine just because someone is a bartender doesn t mean they know how to drink people will order a drink just because it has egg white in it people will not order a drink just because it has egg white in it it s difficult to describe the subtle pleasure of working in a bar with no tvs ordering a martini or manhattan on the rocks is incomprehensible to me some nights it s just one big game of whack a mole unless that person proves to be an irredeemable asshole then you should professionally get them out of your bar posted by dr bamboo at 8 06 am 11 comments labels what i ve learned tuesday february 26 2013 what i ve learned bartending edition this is normally the time of year when i rip off pay tribute to my favorite esquire feature and check in with my list of things i learned while blogging about booze the previous year unfortunately these past 12 months i ve done very little blogging but i have spent a bit of time behind the bar a story for another time and i picked up a few things one of the first things i realized is that it s virtually impossible to bartend several nights a week and not learn something matt robold pointed this out a while ago and it still holds true spend a few nights swapping money for booze and your eyes will be opened in ways they never would have if you frequent bars only as a customer and so we have what i ve learned in one year of bartending if the bar is completely prepped by opening time no one will come in the place for 20 minutes but if you re scrambling like mad to get set up there will be 14 people outside the door waiting for you to open as tempting and entertaining as it may be don t get carried away profiling your customers you d be surprised how often the lady orders whiskey on the rocks and the guy gets a chardonnay that being said it s a safe bet the guy with the full beard plaid shirt and buddy holly glasses will order the most obscure craft beer you have telling me to make it strong when you order a drink guarantees i won t put a single drop more alcohol in it than the recipe requires likewise if you ask me to go light on the ice that doesn t mean i m going to fill the extra space with more booze if you want a double order a double shockingly smart people with a diverse array of talents and skills work in bars and restaurants don t assume that your server bartender etc is working there because they re too dumb or incompetent to find employment elsewhere i knew this a long time ago but it needs to be restated often if you re lucky enough to have a barback don t mistreat him her that person is doing a thankless unglamorous job in order to help you do yours better also it makes you look like a tyrannical jackass people who have never bartended have no idea how much of the job is moving stuff from point a to point b and then moving it back again some people go to bars purely because they want attention the fact that they can buy food and drink there is incidental what they really need is someone to fuss over them this doesn t make them bad people it s just possible that interacting with their bartender may be the only pleasant gratifying human contact they can count on however some of these same customers will be self important unreasonably demanding high maintenance pains in the neck summon as much politeness and professionalism as possible and weather them the best you can on the other end of the spectrum are people who want virtually no interaction at all they re pretty easy to spot so give em their drinks stay out of their face and don t take it personally if you work at a bar that boasts a list of almost 200 tequilas you will be asked at least once a night which one is your favorite it s a good idea to have several favorites the strangest drink anyone asked me to make was a mojito with scotch instead of rum it wasn t great but it didn t taste as bad as you d think when it s time to settle up the people who initially wanted separate checks will now tell you to put it all together and the people who said they were fine with everything on one check will now want you to split it i never realized how many people are afraid of rum if you want a drink to sell incorporate berry into its name somehow people will ask you to make up drinks on the spot try to accommodate them if possible within reason rest assured someone will ask you to improvise a drink when you are completely slammed so your ability to do so may depend on circumstances speaking of which there are nights when you will be swamped a raw undiluted panic may wash over you but remember it s just drinks you are not trying to re attach someone s leg or land a crippled 747 that being said take care of your guests to the best of your abilities i ve found that most people are patient and forgiving provided you acknowledge them they may not get their drinks for a bit but at least they know they re not being ignored also a simple apology for the wait goes a long long way if you dispense a drink ingredient no matter how ordinary from an eyedropper at least one customer will exclaim whoa mad scientist stuff the best beer is often the worst seller milk crates are the bartender s best friend plastic quart containers are the bartender s other best friend finding out several of my fellow bartenders also disliked fernet branca was a true bonding experience it s heartening to see so many people buying locally made beer and spirits if you make 50 great looking drinks and one not so great looking one that s the one someone will take a picture of always have a roll of duct tape within easy reach it s the only thing that will hold band aids gauze finger cots etc on your hands while working it s pretty good for fixing other stuff too while we re on the topic you will bloody your hands and fingers on a regular basis the upside to this is that combining wounds with citrus juice is better than a cup of coffee for keeping you awake and alert during your shift if you serve wine carry a wine key with you if you serve bottled beer carry a bottle opener with you if there s anything you use on a semi regular basis keep it in your pocket if possible don t assume whatever you need will be conveniently lying nearby when you need it people and things move around rapidly behind a bar and stuff disappears in a heartbeat people leave their credit cards behind with startling frequency get to know other bartenders especially ones who have been at it longer than you have talk to them whenever possible you ll learn things use your head when it comes to your feet when bartending you will be standing walking almost the entire duration of your shift also bar floors are covered with liquid food bits of broken glass etc ideally you want footwear that has a good combination of comfort durability and traction sometimes doing or not doing a very small thing can make someone s else job a whole lot easier this applies to many jobs but reaps immediate tangible rewards in a bar or restaurant be able and willing to make mocktails when you spend a lot of time in a bar it s easy to forget that not everybody drinks when in doubt jameson s posted by dr bamboo at 6 49 pm 12 comments labels what i ve learned wednesday october 10 2012 pack pour a guide to nomadic bartending if you enjoy making cocktails and if you re one of the five people who read this blog then it s a safe bet you do sooner or later someone will ask you to bartend at a party cookout tailgate or other similar gathering providing adult refreshment at these kinds of events can be a lot of fun especially if you re asked to make cocktails from scratch we re not talking about just needing someone to pop open beers or crack a few wine bottles we re talking events where you ll actually be mixing drinks and need the equipment necessary to do so a big issue with making drinks somewhere other than your usual spot is trying to figure out what you ll need to bring with you in order to pull it off some places may have a fully equipped bar and all you ll need to bring are your smile and your k...