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in i read the following through my tears t he gospel is the one great permanent circumstance in which i live and move and every hardship in my life is allowed by god only because it serves his gospel purposes in me when i view my circumstances in this light i realize that the gospel is not just one piece of good news that fits into my life somewhere among all the bad i realize instead that the gospel makes genuinely good news out of every other aspect of my life including my severest trials the good news about my trials is that god is forcing them to bow to his gospel purposes and do good unto me by improving my character and making me more conformed to the image of christ p 31 32 emphasis mine it s challenging to cling to the good news of the gospel when the bad news feels so very bad i don t think i ll ever fully understand in this life how the trial of infertility is being made good in god s hands but i trust even as my eyes are dimmed by tears that it is so i trust that the precious news that my savior has given me all of himself that i am his and that he won t let me go that good news will be my everlasting story and song posted by andrea_jennine 8 comments labels quotes 6 11 2009 vignettes i dreamt the same thing twice in one night last week in my dream i was thirty some weeks pregnant and needed to be induced early for some medical reason we were sure that i and the baby would be fine and we were excited to meet our little one each time i woke from the dream to remember my belly was swollen not with child but with hyperstimulation post transfer still it was a nice dream and i hoped it boded well for our embryos our house has a detached garage with a disheveled rusty basketball hoop mounted above the garage door birds have built their nest in the space between the hoop s backboard and the garage wall this morning as i stepped through the garage door to go to the car and leave for my beta appointment i noticed something near my feet the small broken body of a baby bird it s still there now i ll ask aaron to take care of it when he gets home from work i don t think i could bear it words from a song i listened to as i drove to the clinic so i lay down what i cannot hold in my hands every sorrow and hope spinning out of control and here i find sweet resolution comes in letting go and we will find shelter here results negative so very tired of bad news posted by andrea_jennine 18 comments labels ivf icsi 3 6 09 2009 psalm 66 in my bible reading last week i encountered psalm 66 and decided to camp out there until we get the results from this ivf cycle i ve been re reading it every day and it s been helping me to maintain trust in god as i wait here are some excerpts and reflections shout for joy to god all the earth sing the glory of his name give to him glorious praise say to god how awesome are your deeds so great is your power that your enemies come cringing to you all the earth worship you and sings praises to you they sing praises to your name god is glorious and all the earth praises his name all the earth includes me whether this ivf succeeds or not and all the earth includes our embryos tiny beings whose microscopic cells magnify their creator god s power is great my enemies as i try to conceive are his enemies sin sickness sorrow and death his enemies cringe before his power sin sickness sorrow and death cannot ultimately triumph over me even if these embryos don t survive come and see what god has done he is awesome in his deeds toward the children of man i want whatever the results this week brings to call others to come and see what god has done for me i m praying that i would get to see his awesome deeds toward my children in bestowing and sustaining life through this ivf but if that s not how he chooses to work at this time i can still draw attention to his work in my life giving me contentment and peace even in the midst of suffering bless our god o peoples let the sound of his praise be heard who has kept our soul among the living and has not let our feet slip for you o god have tested us you have tried us as silver is tried you brought us into the net you laid a crushing burden on our backs you let men ride over our heads we went through fire and through water yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance throughout these four and a half years of infertility god s hand has been active he sent the test but he has not let me fall and he has sustained life in my soul when i feel like infertility might crush me like i might burn or drown in the hardship of it it brings rest to know that god is in control of this trial and that he will preserve me not only will he preserve me but he will bring me into abundance i pray that this ivf would yield an abundance of blessing in a child or in children that he will have seen fit to keep at least one of our embryos souls among the living but if i m not pregnant he has still brought me the abundant blessing of knowing my savior better of sharing in his sufferings if i had cherished iniquity in my heart the lord would not have listened but truly god has listened he has attended to the voice of my prayer blessed be god because he has not rejected my prayer or removed his steadfast love from me god listens to my prayers he listens to my prayers because of his son because i trust in the death and resurrection of jesus god has given me a new heart a heart where sin is still present but where sin has no final power i can t earn the ear of god but my justification in christ ensures that god attends to my voice when i pray he has heard all of my prayers for children over the past five years and he has heard my prayers for these three embryos over the past few weeks i so hope that i will get a positive pregnancy test this week as tangible evidence that he has not rejected my prayer but whether the results are negative or positive i have confidence that god will never remove his steadfast love from me because of my security in christ posted by andrea_jennine 6 comments labels words on the word 5 30 2009 it s hard to type from a horizontal position i ve now got three embryos on board graded as b b and c the transfer went smoothly however the nurse said i m dehydrated and that my ovaries are very enlarged so i ve been upgraded to a high risk of hyperstimulation i ve been put on bed rest for 3 4 days and i have instructions to add two bottles of protein shake to the 40 oz of water and 60 oz of gatorade i was already drinking each day so now my daily intake of fluids and medications goes something like this a 5000 unit heparin shot a large glass of gatorade and an antibiotic and breakfast water and protein shake throughout the morning baby aspirin prenatal vitamin and another large glass of gatorade with lunch more water and protein shake during the afternoon antibiotic and a glass of gatorade with dinner a 5000 unit heparin shot and a 1 ml progesterone shot right before bed and i m supposed to add estrogen patches to all of that in a few days phew my three embryos it s all for you please grow and stay awhile posted by andrea_jennine 15 comments labels ivf icsi 3 5 29 2009 5 4 3 and let s just stop the countdown right there please yesterday the clinic called to let me know that out of the 28 eggs retrieved 25 were mature they froze 20 and attempted to fertilize five with icsi of those five only four actually did fertilize today the clinic called to say that one of the four embryos had arrested at one cell two of them had progressed to two cells and one had progressed to three cells the three still growing embryos all showed some signs of fragmentation and were graded at b we re going ahead with a day 3 transfer tomorrow morning and we ll transfer all of the embryos that are still developing when i first heard today s news i was discouraged by the fact that we seem to have such poor quality embryos from this cycle but then i remembered what i read and meditated on from psalm 62 this morning my soul waits for god alone not for embryo development or a successful ivf god is my refuge i can pour out my disappointment in our embryo growth to him and he won t let me be shaken by cell numbers or embryo grades i can trust in him at all times even when faced with what seems like a sub optimal transfer because all power and steadfast love belongs to him and as aaron reminded me when i called to pass on the embryo report to him this could be an opportunity for god to show how great his power is by bringing a pregnancy out of even low quality embryos i still find myself needing to fight discouragement but i m trying to shelter myself in the lord please join me in praying that all three of embryos will be thriving tomorrow morning at transfer time and that at least one of them would implant and become a healthy baby thanks friends posted by andrea_jennine 8 comments labels ivf icsi 3 5 27 2009 with all this talk of eggs aaron asked if i feel like a hen today didn t go quite as expected we showed up at the clinic at the requested 30 minutes before retrieval time after a few minutes in the waiting room they took me back to the prep room aaron was not allowed to come along once i had changed into the hospital gown the ivf coordinator and the embryologist came in to confirm how many eggs we wanted to fertilize i told them five and asked if the doctor had decided to go ahead with a transfer this cycle the ivf coordinator had no idea what i was talking about while i ve liked this clinic overall my one concern is a sense that the left hand doesn t know what the right hand is doing the personnel in different departments don t seem to communicate with each other very well i ve had to keep track of many of the details and advocate for my own care thankfully i have enough experience under my belt to do so but on egg retrieval day it would have been nice if everyone was sharing information so the ivf coordinator scurried off the ask the doctor then she came back and brought me into the operating room what did the doctor say i asked she replied oh he was interrupted by a phone call and couldn t talk um this is kind of important stuff determining whether we d be fertilizing any embryos or freezing all the eggs by now i was on the operating table getting an iv inserted and a blood pressure cuff and heart rate monitor put on and having my legs tied into the stirrups i desperately wanted my husband with me but i comforted myself with the truth that god was with me then the doctor came in there i am bound to a table by various tubes and tethers feeling rather vulnerable and dr werthers starts questioning everything saying we shouldn t fertilize more than 3 eggs that maybe we shouldn t fertilize any saying if we fertilized 5 eggs we might end up with 5 embryos which he absolutely could not transfer and so on i challenged him asking what the odds were that we really would have all 5 eggs develop into viable embryos bringing up our history i asked him point blank for his recommendation which he didn t want to give i said we ve been up front with you about our preferences from the start why is this all coming up now finally the doctor asked if i would like aaron to come to the operating room so that we could make the final decision when i said yes he went off to the waiting room in the meantime the ivf coordinator started releasing me from the table so that i could sit up as she did so she kept rolling her eyes are you rolling your eyes at me or at him i asked don t let him pressure you she said you go with your gut you stick to your plan then the anaesthesiologist added a relaxer to my iv drip your heart rate has gone up he said no kidding dr werthers came back and said aaron wasn t in the waiting room i had encouraged him to go get some lunch it was about 1 20 at this point so time was becoming an issue we needed to retrieve those eggs before the trigger shot induced ovulation after a little back and forth and a couple phone calls to aaron we decided to go ahead and retrieve the eggs when i woke up from the anaesthesia aaron and i would make the decision about fertilizing eggs the egg retrieval went smoothly remember how i said my follicles were immeasurable on the ultrasound well they aspirated 40 from those 40 follicles they got 28 eggs no wonder i ve felt so much more uncomfortable during this ivf shortly after i woke up dr werthers came back and so did aaron dr werthers seemed much calmer and he said that fertilizing 5 eggs would probably result in 1 3 embryos which he would feel comfortable transferring we will go ahead with a transfer this cycle lord willing my progesterone levels are borderline but not so elevated as to cause problems with so many follicles i am at some risk for hyperstimulation but my estrogen levels are low enough that hyperstimulation is not too likely at the ivf coordinator s urging i m drinking lots and lots of fluids to minimize the risk of hyperstimulation even further trying to ensure that we will be able to transfer the embryos i m very achy and swollen but glad to be through with the hardest part i should get the first fertilization report tomorrow so all s well that ends well i guess i m grateful for the presence and care of my good shepherd today posted by andrea_jennine 8 comments labels ivf icsi 3 older posts home subscribe to posts atom about me andrea_jennine a wife and word lover works to apply the gospel in the midst of infertility write to me at andrea_jennine at yahoo com view my complete profile because even i can t always keep things straight next step 02 09 09 consultation w re 5 history 01 05 start trying to conceive 10 05 ob gyn orders bloodwork to check estrogen thyroid and progesterone progesterone low 4 5 but test results are misread as ok until 03 06 03 06 referred to re 05 06 first appointment w re 07 06 iui 1 clomid 10 06 iui 2 clomid 11 06 iui converted to timed intercourse clomid follistim 01 07 iui 3 clomid follistim 03 07 iui 4 follistim 05 07 ivf 1 07 07 ivf 2 08 07 12 07 treatment break change to a new re 01 08 hsg shows blocked fallopian tube 02 08 laparoscopy hyteroscopy to repair tube stage i endometriosis found and removed 04 08 iui 5 follistim 05 08 iui 6 follistim 08 08 iui 7 follistim repronex some favorite links sovereign grace church sovereign grace ministries girltalk friends who blog katie fenska adam brooke amanda eric annika michele brenna the whitneys beth saavedra strangers who blog amy s humble musings arwen boomama confessions of a pioneer woman the pioneer woman cooks grace is still enough in search of morning sickness not that you asked radical womanhood reproductive jeans ruminations toddled dredge two years and counting vacant uterus waiting for a miracle blog archive 2009 30 july 1 i m still here except i m over there june 3 may 10 april 3 march 4 february 4 january 5 2008 118 december 6 november 6 october 5 september 6 august 11 july 9 june 9 may 9 april 13 march 15 february 13 january 16 2007 151 december 12 november ...