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lving changing learning through us and with us humans at least in this tiny part of the universe our earth i think this is the single most important insight i have found in my life so far my first serious doubts about god 1994 the end of religion escape from god father figure and the inner voice timeline of my first 40 odd years cyprus troodos mountains sunset above clouds on madari ridge may 1985 picture taken with cheap yashica fixed focus camera diary sunday 19 february 2023 it s time to write about deeper things who am i really where do i stand what do i believe the world is a mess in so many ways it s a mess mostly caused by the so called western powers and their vassals and quislings in other countries i have left the ideology of sun myung moon behind but i cannot replace it with another i don t want to adhere to any ideology in a way i have one of my own but it s not elaborate at all and could not actually be called an ideology there is too much vagueness and too much uncertainty there is just too much i simply don t know it was comforting to have a ready made ideology to adhere to certain beliefs that somebody else had cooked up for me it took me several years to free myself of that belief system there was a big gap left when i finally ditched it i have found very few ideas that could help me plug that gap after all i followed moon s ideology for more than 20 years and i cannot deny that it left a deep impression also i am reminded of it often because my wife remains a committed believer and insists that i go through at least some of the motions to go along with her doing this doesn t hurt me so i have no excuse to refuse but i do feel just a little bit hypocritical more important however is my strong desire to avoid friction and even more so confrontation over our different beliefs or ideas we both believe in a god but my idea of god is very different from hers she believes in the traditional god the creator of all and heavenly parent of us humans to me god is its own creation and we humans are the best proof of its existence because we are at least in part what you could call the very mind of god without us and perhaps others like us in the cosmos god would not have a fully developed mind that can explore the creation which is basically god s body yes i think we are the mind of god or at least an important part of it there are forms of consciousness at every level below us and the cosmos as a whole is conscious but we are the highest level we know in our tiny part of the universe and thus we are part of the evolving mind of god so what can i do with this wild idea nothing really i can think about it and i have done less of that than most who read these lines might imagine i can write about it here it doesn t serve me much in my life at all nonetheless it feels to me much more authentic than anything i learned from moon and the moonies which i always regarded as somehow artificial it was something i had decided to impose on myself both because it seemed to make a degree of sense and it helped me to connect with other people i never made any really close friends among my fellow moonies though of course i didn t have any close friends before either even though i was 24 years old when i first encountered the moon movement in the usa maybe i am just too strange too weird to be able to forge close friendships timeline of my first 40 odd years view from my former bedroom under a juniper tree on troodos summit cyprus photo oct 2016 categories thoughts tags god sun myung moon unification church cyprus nature 3 comments brief account of my experiences in the unification church now family federation etc posted on 2023 05 14 by tramp11 unification church members gathering at tarrytown upstate new york in early 1975 adapted from a story originally written for the facebook group unification church under the microscope i m from luxembourg but i met and joined the unification church in the united states twice in 1975 the first time was during its teaching workshops in barrytown on the hudson river in upstate new york later the site of the unification theological seminary that spring where i went through 3 7 21 and 40 day programs and also saw moon sun myung moon the korean church cult founder who died in 2012 and whose followers regard him and his still active wife hak ja han as the true parents of humankind representing god on earth for the first time i must say he didn t make a good first impression because to me he seemed terribly arrogant i was mostly impressed with his divine principle teaching and the friendliness of a majority of the members which is why i stayed in the movement in the summer i worked in boston for a few weeks with a group from barrytown led by henry s to restore a basement apartment that we later used as a witnessing center peter s a member of that fb group at the time i wrote this was my central figure for a short time at 4 w 43rd st the church headquarters in new york city under neil salonen then president of the american church in the fall of 1975 during that time i traveled a couple of times with larry o in a big truck down to the sophie mae factory in atlanta to pick up loads of peanut brittle which we dropped off for mobile fundraising teams church members who move from town to town selling various items door to door or in parking lots or bars to raise money for a good cause the church in the carolinas the virginias tennessee kentucky ohio and pennsylvania later i worked for a few weeks with ron p and toni m at the going up press printshop in washington dc under its director george e after telling everyone i needed a break i left the job and the washington dc branch of the church on veterans day 11 nov and hitch hiked down to durham north carolina then west along interstate 40 all the way to california sleeping under highway bridges a couple of nights i briefly visited brad b a member friend who had quit in san rafael marin county then tried for a few days hitch hiking north from sacramento sleeping in bushes later i rode freight trains with a hobo i met at a sacramento soup kitchen but didn t get very far he was badly hurt on one train and i took him to a clinic 27 nov then i was robbed near livermore of all my meager possessions and finally i was invited to a free thanksgiving dinner in a house near university of california berkeley campus by two students who said they belonged to a local creative community project organization i recognized quickly enough that it was the unification church by another name but by that time i was ready to rejoin the fold anyway after a few weeks attending divine principle workshops and working in their garden at boonville and a few more mostly spent witnessing proselytizing mostly young tourists at fisherman s wharf san francisco with matthew morrison i was sent east in a bus with many new recruits then came moon s big religious rallies at yankee stadium in new york in june 1976 and at the washington monument that september and before the end of that us bicentennial year 1776 1976 i became part of the editorial staff of our new daily the news world in new york city at first i worked briefly in the national department with josette s and then i was transferred to international under first hal mck then robin k and finally betsy o i might mention here that i was an illegal alien the whole time i was in the us never qualified to get a green card residence permit i pressured my bosses publisher mike w and chief editor john d to let me go to bangkok thailand as correspondent and after some time they agreed but told me i had to pay for the trip and most expenses from my own pocket in july 1979 i went home to luxembourg to make some money working with local church members in october i took the trans siberian train across the soviet union from luxembourg to nakhodka a journey of well over 11 000 kilometers on trains in 11 days stopping overnight only in moscow and khabarovsk on the way then a soviet ferryboat through a typhoon in the pacific to yokohama where i arrived exactly two weeks after leaving my country 6 20 october followed by another two weeks traveling in japan with my spiritual mother a japanese lady who had introduced me to the church in new york and who had invited me to visit her in tokyo her husband had been one of the first followers of moon in japan in the early 1960s they are both deceased now in early november i went to bangkok to try to work as correspondent i didn t manage to get a work permit and the high spiritual atmosphere in the local church center i didn t have enough money to afford a place of my own was not at all conducive to journalistic work in new york mike w john d and others left their jobs and the church during that time and the paper was in trouble so in early 1980 after three months in thailand i was called back over the following two years i spent another 18 months working for the news world in nyc and several months in luxembourg or traveling in europe on my own once spending 3 days in prison in czechoslovakia in march 1982 because i was found in possession of anti soviet literature and documentation on nuclear weapons my last time in the us was march june 1982 when i did research for russian émigré author lev navrozov in nyc i m telling you all this only so that you can see i was nothing at all like a model member i was always more or less on the fringes of the movement even though i believed in divine principle true parents and all that and was deeply troubled by my own inability to completely submit this word always reminds me of the meaning of islam my few weeks as a practising muslim in the middle east in 1972 73 when i performed the full haj pilgrimage to mecca and medina had left a lasting impression despite my status as a sort of loose member i was strongly urged by many friends and former central figures to participate in a matching of couples by moon himself for an arranged marriage one of his many publicity seeking mass weddings in seoul in october 1982 and this is where i had my one and only close encounter with moon himself in the school of the little angels a children s singing and dancing troupe founded by moon to charm world leaders and whose large hall was crammed this time with men and women members waiting to meet their matches he asked western men who wanted to be matched with oriental women to come forward i was one of several dozen or more who did so after matching a few others he reached over somebody else s shoulder gently took me by the chin and to my great surprise asked me directly in english why i wanted an oriental wife i said i thought it was more interesting and i could learn more he seemed to like my answer then he asked where i worked and where i was from and after hearing my answers he took me along a row of oriental women and chose my wife who is japanese i realized later that i was chosen for the blessing not because i was a good member or ready but simply because they needed to try to get as close to 6 000 couples together as possible so bodies were needed to fill the quota later i helped to start the weekly newspaper middle east times in cyprus and worked there and in greece for a few years while my wife worked in one of the church s secret accounting offices in japan and also went out fundraising street selling there i didn t see my wife again until almost 4 years later and then only for a week when we went to luxembourg to meet my parents in 1987 we got legally married in japan but did not stay together as i took up an assignment as correspondent in pakistan we only started our family in 1988 when i returned to japan and later lived in greece where our first son was born 1989 then a year in egypt and cyprus again until we finally settled in luxembourg in late 1991 after my father died we had another son in 1994 and a daughter 2 years later both our sons turned out to be seriously mentally handicapped and autistic totally unable to live independently they inherited the fragile x chromosome syndrome luckily our daughter did not inherit any of it and is not handicapped at all during the late 1990s i completely turned away from the divine principle teachings about god and true parents and developed my own ideas about how we and the universe came into existence etc but i did not impose anything on my wife who remains a loyal follower of moon and now his wife i no longer believe in the god postulated by the monotheistic religions at all i don t hide the fact that i reject divine principle from leaders here in luxembourg but nonetheless my wife and i are regarded as regular members though i don t participate in most church activities including one of the most basic prayer our daughter knows i don t believe but i let her choose her own way though under the influence of my wife so she has gone to several short workshops to learn dp in the netherlands and has also been to cheong pyeong for 21 and 40 day workshops it seems she fits in well and can take it all in stride without the terrible mental spiritual struggles i went through and also without becoming a kind of fanatic she studied for 5 years at sun moon university the church s own university in korea which she really seemed to enjoy she met an american fellow student and member there whose parents contacted us because he had told them he was interested in our daughter as a matching partner when our daughter agreed we arranged a matching with him and his parents and they were blessed by mrs moon in 2018 so somehow i am both still inside as well as outside the church inside in a practical sense through my wife and daughter even tithing but outside because i don t believe any of their teachings at all and don t follow any instructions of course it s like a house of cards and it could all come crashing down if my wife insisted on following a course that would go totally against my convictions originally written march 2016 updated may 2023 timeline of my first 40 odd years why i cannot go back to my previous faith escape from god father figure and the inner voice https erwinlux com 2019 11 24 my view of the unification church movement about the nefarious political activities of the unification movement snow capped mountains of nuristan formerly kafiristan beyond the kunar valley afghanistan oct 1987 the setting of rudyard kipling s the man who would be king on death my own i feel i should add part of a previous post here about my death diary entry thursday 3 september 2020 adapted i m reading an article in psyche magazine about how to overcome our fear of death do i fear death in one sense yes it s the fear of the unknown a natural fear but i believe in essence i do not fear death itself being no more what i fear far more than anything else is the likely and the possible consequences of my death for those i leave behind my immediate family my wife and our children how could they cope when i am gone i worry about that much more than about mysel...