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sting intersectional work and would be interested in participating in the project let me know whipping girl january 2 2010 in connections femme stuff lit commentary 3 comments i just finished reading whipping girl which my brother bought me for christmas it was actually rather surprising gift to recieve from a generally homo and trans phonbic person which leads me to suspect that he didn t acutually choose it regardless of where the book came from it is still a brilliant book i adore juila serano she writes with the fire of woman who has been told countless times that she and her identity are not significant or real she has a true activist spirit it infuses her work in a way that reminds me of leslie fienberg i was reading this book on the couch yesterday and p looked at me and asked why i was reading it she didn t understand what i could possibly gain from a book about trans women i told her it isn t a book about trans women it is about women and the repression of femininity this book crosses the barrier between trans and cisgeneder in seamless way reminding us that we are all in woman together this category is ours and it is problematic this book discussed boundaries quite a bit specifically in terms of the construction and maintenance of the boundary of woman who constitutes a woman and why this got me thinking about the boundaries of femme i have often had people new to the term ask me to define femme and explain its requirements essentially to explain the boundaries of femme i have no answer to this however i would argue that despite its historical association with lesbianism femme does not have to be queer or female i understand femme to be an a state of consciousness in which the individual recognizes the problematic nature of traditional femininity and its relation to the patriarchal state and structure as a result the femme reclaims her femininity in a non traditional ironic way and uses her body to subvert the ordinary whether this be through queering or other means essentially we do femininity in a different way a way that empowers us to me this does not have be gendered or sexed i have seen drag queens who have challenged and repositioned femininity in a most admirable way the don the utmost feminine attire with power and confidence and at the same time challenge the way we think about and perceive woman similarly there are some kick ass straight women who challenge the expectations of femininity daily there are men that are brave enough to adopt the disadvantaged characteristics of femininity and who perform them proudly to me these individuals are as deserving of the femme identity as we are i understand the importance of boundaries if you do not define who is in included than there is nothing to separate you from everyone else you can t have an identity without boundaries i understand that lesbian femmes are working to honour the history and legacy of the femmes that came before us our sisters in the 1940 s whose femme status did not grant them access to the category lesbian our sisters who have suffered the doubts of those around them doubting the legitimacy their queerness and their identity our sisters who have been experienced violence and rape from men who didn t believe that they were queer the boundary that keeps us together unified is important but there could be so much more i am not trying to diminish the importance of our history and commonality instead i suggest that their is a greater commonality out there what we femmes all have in common in that we want to gain respect and acceptance of femininity we want to make being a girl being a woman being feminine not hurt perhaps that is more important hard choices january 2 2010 in its complicated love leave a comment its january 2nd and i m already struggling with my new years resolution last night b and i were fighting she was sitting next to me crying her tears dripping down her chin onto my shoulder i sat there silent i didn t feel anything nothing at all i had this overwhelming desire to get out to walk outside in the snow storm in my t shirt until i felt something even if it was just cold and numb i needed to feel something it was then that i realized that it was true i m a cold and unfeeling person i ve been told this before by ex girlfriends and lovers and yet i chalked it up to their anger but it s true it is as if in that moment i could finally see myself and what i ve become i have a confession to make i ve suspected this before that it was true i ve meet someone else like me at first she captivated me i was intrigued by her she was brilliant funny and sweet on the surface but once i really got to know her it was all darkness she was cruel selfish she didn t feel anything any emotions she just played with the hearts and minds of those in her life she was full of this raw sexual power which she used to ruin people she terrified me she terrified me because i saw part of myself in her i was terrified that in time i would become like her perhaps i have already but perhaps i have more strength than she did last night when i wanted to run i didn t i stayed and talked and i started to feel it wasn t much but it s a start 2009 retrospect december 31 2009 in its complicated leave a comment i ve been a little melancholy lately however i have decided that with a new year around the corner it is imperative for me shake myself out of it and re prioritize in retrospect 2009 was a bit of a tumultuous year and has left my personal life in shambles so with the new year approaching i m hoping that 2010 brings me two things passion and courage b and i talked last night we have both been having a rough time trying to keep things together lately regardless of how hard things are right now for the first time in my life i m not ready to give up this time i refuse to take the easy way out and run when things get hard i m going to have to make myself vulnerable honestly i m terrified i m terrified i m going to have talk about my feelings and allow myself to open up and really feel my emotions but i love b and i owe it to her and myself to try so with the new year approaching i hope that it infuses passion back into all areas of my life and gives me the courage to embrace all levels of my femininity the nearest exit may be behind you december 31 2009 in lit commentary leave a comment i love s bear bergman bear s writing is powerful its sharp and has such a unique perspective i adore it last night i finished readings hir new book the nearest exit may be behind you and it was not what i expected it was really challenging and provoking particularly in terms of identity location this book is a perfect example of the evolution that we each go through with our identities it reminds us that our identity is never firm it is always evolving and that we need to open ourselves up to the change moreover it reminded me that regardless of trials we endure we must always keep our humour and humanity i like this book so much i went out and bought a second copy to give to my friend t for christmas belated of course he is my favourite bear and queer theory discussion partner hence this is the perfect gift of course being my femme self i wrote him note on the inside cover darling i adore you even though sometimes it seems like we are located in different worlds each with their own expectations and understandings of gender and desire it is my hope that this book can grasp onto our commonaility and reduce the gap between our lives and understandings of each other all my love lou the bonds that tie december 30 2009 in connections leave a comment sometimes you find what you re looking for what you crave in the most unexpected places nothing is a truer example of this than the friendship that i have found in p i ve mentioned p before she is my roommate and long time best friend we have a very complicated relationship due in part to our extreme differences i m a radical feminist lesbian with leftist political views and p is straight conservative and about as right wing as you can get this has caused many problems heated debates and resulted in a few taboo topics last election we discussed platforms which escalated into a battle of political ideology that ended in punches shortly after politics became a forbidden topic many people have attempted to understand our friendship which on the surface appears to be held together delicately by common taste in music tendency to drink too much and a secret love of dr who however if you look much closer below the surface we are very similar we are bound together by our common understanding of how we keep others out one the surface i appear soft delicate and sweet but those who know me also know i m a tough as nails bitch p is similar but she lacks the sweetness that i have she makes up for it though with her incredible ability to keep her emotions hidden we have both built up many barriers in our lives strongly fortified to keep people from getting close protecting us from any pain we fail at relationship after relationship because we can not let people get as close to us as they need we never allow ourselves to feel anything real that would be too dangerous tears and direct questions will not break our fortified barriers strengthened by our years of emotional withdrawal this common experience is the iron bond that hold us it can be unbearable sometimes to suppress every emotion that you have to lock it away so that it can t be used against you to make you weak i grew up understanding that my femininity was a something to be feared something that made me unstable wild in order to reconcile with myself i adopted the masculine emotional tactic of denial i denied that i was hurting scared and broken and projected delicate happy persona p and i recognized this in each other one of the first times we drank too much together life was chaotic and we were stressed the more we drank the more emotions surfaced p ended up punching a hole in the wall and we spent the night sat crossed legged and crying on the floor that night we let our guards down and let some of our true feelings out over the course of our friendship this ritual has reappeared usually this is spurred on by an excess of alcohol and a moment in which we actually feel something perhaps some remorse remorse from a lover who can t take the emotional isolation and coldness anymore or remorse from ourselves wishing we could let ourselves be vulnerable it is in this moment that our friendship is cemented two emotionally stone people pouring their hearts out to each other over love we didn t give a chance our greatest connection is that we both understand what others fail to grasp that we have barriers that no one will ever cross we don t push each other for information and feelings we understand that in time they will reveal themselves we are held together by the loneliness we can not liberate ourselves from the point is that sometimes you find strength in someone a strength that allows you to finally have some support in your life support that you didn t know that you were missing an intellectual affair december 28 2009 in love leave a comment i went to go see nine today and it got me thinking about affairs the mistress is always sexualized in popular culture she can never be seen as more than a sex object however i challenge the legitimacy of this representation i think the mistress particularly the lesbian mistress is often an object of intellectual desire as well as physical i had an intellectual affair last summer my first it was the kind of affair that is frustrating and full of pent up passion the kind that builds until it is unbearable and threatens to consume you the funny thing is i can t even remember where i met her it just seemed like she appeared in my life one day she came in with witty email bowie commentary and promises of painting barefoot in the grass she came at a time where i found myself increasingly unhappy in my relationship and i was craving an intellectual challenge she gave me that challenge we talked about poetry art and argued about foucault we drank strong coffee and debated queer theory we walked down the canal in the rain musing about the purpose or lack of of life she had me she held me in the palm of her hand i was in awe of her brilliance and passion and slightly afraid of her darkness sadness had engulfed her life she was stuck in one of many loveless sexless relationship but was determined to see it through she was also plagued with a distaste for commitment however this time she had promised herself that she wouldn t leave i couldn t bear to see her so unhappy it only reminded me of my own unhappiness we were each other s escape from reality the chemistry between us was intense her words were electric and her touch unbearable emotionally we got very close in a very short period of time i opened myself up to her and exposed my raw emotions i would leave the bar after a night together and then spend the rest of the night talking probing each other s minds however i could never bring myself to give myself to her bodily i knew if i did there wouldn t be anything left to hold me back it was a terrible time for my morals to kick in wanted her and i could tell from the way that she looked at me that she wanted me i kept having to pull myself back to resist giving myself completely to her she was magnetic but i was wary i ended it on a whim i was scared scared that she might be able to break through the barriers that i built up scared that she would see my naked core to be honest i regret it she was the challenge that i ran away from unwilling to be venerable restless december 28 2009 in its complicated leave a comment i am a restless person i have a hard time staying in one place one situation one life and an even harder time staying with one person clearly i have commitment issues they only thing i can stay committed to is my desire for change and to break free from the ties that hold me in place i go through these stages where i can live life happily everything seems perfect and in place in this moment i think that perhaps i have finally changed found the right path job girl but it never lasts then there are days that i wake up restless and dissatisfied everything seems wrong and i have an overwhelming desire to turn everything on its head this happens more often than i like to admit and i try to suppress it but it always takes me over in the end it starts as a small tumultuous mass in the core of my being churning and rolling it spreads like fire licking up the sides of my chest flickering down my arms and legs making my muscles ache and begging for release i get the urge to run to see if i can escape today i ran in a thin t shirt out in the cold my extremities numb my feet hit the pavement to the beat of the music pulsing through my ears attempting to drown out my thoughts after a while my fingers and toes start to warm then they reach a heat that prickles ...