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Text of the page (random words):
and he could manipulate things much more easily in between kisses i said no several times but wispily and airily and definitely not sternly i only remember him working around down there and kissing me just like we kissed last summer it wasn t so bad all of a sudden i had a sharp pain in my crotch as martell thrust into me even in my drunken state i knew what was happening and i couldn t believe it but i just kept kissing and it was over very quickly i rolled away from him as soon as he pulled out of me and i crawled to the opposite side of the loft i pulled up my pants or shorts or something and fastened them mike started hitting on me trying to maybe getting something started i kept my legs tightly together and forcefully told him no even though i had been more interested in him at the beginning martell called to mike telling him to try kissing me to see if that would do the trick it didn t not this time i did not know i was raped i was a member of the lds church and i knew right from wrong very clearly i also have a very strong will and an outgoing personality so i know if i had felt victimized i would ve pushed him screamed and fought back this was sex this was not only a mistake i made but a sin i committed it was clear i had chosen to consume alcohol and smoke cigarettes i chose to be there in that setting i held that belief that guilt and that shame for 6 years all the while knowing someday i would have to confess my sins i never even wrote in my journal about the experience though i faithfully wrote throughout most of my teenage years only my very close friends knew of this experience i dove into the lds church within the next couple of years loving the doctrine and learning about the forgiveness my elder brother jesus offered me six years later i got the courage to talk to my bishop about it here is what i wrote in my journal then sunday january 14 1996 when i was 18 years old i pray for christ s light to encompass my life i m so weak i know i need only his spirit to survive today i have an appointment to talk to bishop about my life and my repentance i can t believe that over six years have past and now today is my resolution day i ve been in tears since i got home from church today i face my fears lose my cloak of pride humble myself before my father in heaven i ve always thought i lived righteously and yet as i look back there been no time of absolute humility or pure love of christ i went to the appointment that afternoon and i currently only have one memory from that appointment a very poignant memory but still only one after listening to my story bishop looked at me directly and said laura you were raped i can t even remember my response to his words i remember being confused by what he said but i don t think i believed him here is what i wrote after the interview i was writing about a boy named derek i was interested in at the time i also told him about my bishop s interview and what the feeling of forgiveness is like for me what a burden lifted i can leave it behind me from this point on today i felt the presense of christ next to me i told derek once while in hysterical tears that i love christ but i need something to hug something tangible today christ s hand held mine and let me know that he is tangible if only i will open my heart i know exaultation is within my grasp if christ is beside me today is the start of a new life a clean slate so to speak i m forgiven and i want to live that way for the whole of my life my brother my savior my friend he is my king let my voice forever proclaim it i need heavenly father s strength with me as nothing else i m so weak i pray continually for guidance and cleanliness of thought for that s where i find myself mostly slipping that s it no mention of how the bishop put the r word into my mind it s scary how many times i call myself weak or talk about submission after it was clear that derek wasn t interested in me i started to give up on myself and my faith my journal entries started to decline very quickly within 2 months i was saying i could visualize myself not going to the temple and i started habitually going on the internet chat rooms 3 months later i was head over heels for a complete loser living in georgia divorced 3 kids no job i was seriously thinking of moving there 4 months later i met a much more decent guy online and uprooted my entire existence to be with him in north carolina i believe the decline happened because the mere idea that i had been raped was too traumatic to acknowledge i had programmed the event into my brain archive as a sin i committed so i blurred the facts of being only 12 years old being out of normal control due to alcohol forgetting that i didn t want to even kiss martell that particular summer etc i did what most people do i blamed the victim now i m 34 and i have a beautiful daughter who is 12 years old and i m finally addressing the fact that i got raped when i was her age it s only now that i m starting to be able to call it for what it was instead of protecting martell or blaming myself or minimizing the impact i was raped when i was 12 he took away my virginity in a non loving aggressive uninvited way the fallout has been my 22 year journey to find my personal self value and learning to let myself be vulnerable and non controlling i will not give power to my perpetrator any longer by denying what it was i will not feel guilty for something that someone else did to me i will not sit idly while ignorant misogynists misdefine rape and attempt to keep the dark dark my new personal motto shine a light on the dark places posted by la at 9 33 am 8 comments labels legitimate rape rape todd akin thursday march 01 2012 psyche we got you we didn t really mean it let s pretend i am a faithful latter day saint once again just for fun in my youth i read several accounts and was taught by several authority figures that we must listen to the prophet and must trust that what he says is coming directly from the lord himself it is up to us to prayerfully ask heavenly father if what we have heard is what we should believe just the same as we ask him about the truthfulness of the bom but the expected result will be that yes indeed the prophet is speaking god s truth just the same as the certain response that yes the book of mormon is indeed what it says it is it seems like leaders of the 2012 church of jesus christ of latter day saints have forgotten this and whenever a new prophet or apostle comes into play we are supposed to wipe our memories of the past revelations to quote the official spokesperson michael purdy for the lds church for a time in the church there was a restriction on the priesthood for male members of african descent it is not known precisely why how or when this restriction began in the church but what is clear is that it ended decades ago some have attempted to explain the reason for this restriction but these attempts should be viewed as speculation and opinion not doctrine the church is not bound by speculation or opinions given with limited understanding we have documentation of the some whom purdy is referring to brigham young joseph fielding smith george q cannon mark e petersen are just to name a few these men were prophets or apostles seers and revelators at the time their speculations were offered these men were not mere byu professors speaking beyond their station at the time they spoke about the doctrine yes it was doctrine regarding the black mark of cain and the curse on his descendants they were not speculating they were explaining and enlightening along comes the revelation in 1978 from president spencer w kimball where it was announced that all worthy men would be eligible for the priesthood not long after that revelation elder bruce r mcconkie said the following forget everything that i have said or what president brigham young or president george q cannon or whomsoever has said in days past that is contrary to the present revelation we spoke with a limited understanding and without the light and knowledge that now has come into the world oh i see well as a faithful lds member i have to say that this would concern me how can i trust what the current prophet is saying if the next one might completely contradict them and tell me to forget what the last one said if they are just speaking merely as men and not as mouthpieces of god how are the people to discern at the time there is a reason why religions use a sheep as a metaphor for the faithful followers i m just saying okay it s not fun pretending anymore i m glad i m out posted by la at 8 46 am 1 comment tuesday december 01 2009 remember that one time so long long ago i posted a blog entry where i announced that i had officially received my you re no longer a momo letter the post is called finding a daily life at that point in my exit from the church i was concerned mostly for my children especially since they are growing up here in utah county i felt like other kids might be mean or might shun them so here it is almost 4 years since that post my first born is now 10 and in the 4 th grade and my baby is 5 and taller than all the other preschoolers how is their life here in ut co you ask well i would say that for the most part not being lds hasn t directly affected them too harshly l has friends that she plays with at school and b fights with the other boys at preschool i do have a concern though and i mostly blame the community of mormons for it rather than the church itself every day i hear kids outside playing and laughing and having a great time l knows some of them from school but none of them come over to ask her to play during the summer all the kids mine plus my step children would participate in night games but only if one of them got the courage to go up to the neighborhood kids and ask if they could play now i realize that part of the distance between the neighborhood kids and my kids could have something to do with the fact that my kids aren t here at our house all the time they get carted back and forth between here and their dad s house but they are here about half the time and those kids go to school with my daughter for crying out loud i have seriously contemplated taking my kids to church again just so they can be more accepted by the neighborhood kids i am pretty sure this is a church related issue because even the parents of the neighborhood kids make very little effort to be friendly no wave of the hand from them towards me they speak with lee some but mostly regarding church issues his 15 yr old son does participate in church sigh is it really worth going back to church just to have a little acceptance or do i need to once again peruse the exmo community for children of like minded parents i just don t know what to do but it sure does bite when neither of my neighbors will say hi to me let alone wave i assume it affects my children less than it does me since they don t really know what they re missing i miss the community and camaraderie of being lds it seems that you have to be one to get that perk though whatever posted by la at 5 17 pm 15 comments thursday september 17 2009 nothing but wet someone had a great idea someone figured out that certain keywords draw consumers to purchase this notion changed the world of marketing natural organic pure these are some of the words we get bombarded with each day the chemical compound which consists of two hydrogen molecules and one oxygen molecule is probably the best example of what marketing can do for a product we are inundated with selection when we want a simple refreshing drink of water with merely a label we can be transported up to glacial heights or whisked away to a tropical paradise such a fantastical trip at such an unreasonable price tag and sadly the reality is that we re pretty much having a drink of water water water well i have an idea too if we re going to monopolize on something as commonplace as water then lets do it right how about we give people what they really want now introducing for the first time ever that s right you heard it here folks posted by la at 12 22 pm 4 comments saturday july 25 2009 bombarded being a liberal in utah county is like being white in the mexican supermarket on state street i imagine it s like people know liberals exist they ve heard of liberals before but it s so rare that they come out in the open that conservatives are actually surprised when they find out someone is liberal someone disagrees with me what lunacy i hear the regurgitations of bill o reilly too often sean hannity is a saint around here and what s his face the guy who sobs all the time oh yeah glenn beck that guy s name sends chills up my spine not that i m confrontational mind you but if i hear someone say something ridiculous mostly about homosexuals or marriage then i ll speak up with some sarcastic comeback i don t bite my tongue but i m certainly not on the lookout for a fight why has fighting always found me hmm something for me to ponder on so yes the fight always seems to find me it must be a nice thing to be able to be so open about political beliefs most people get nods of agreement and a pat on the back for the ideas they vocalize but me liberal me moderately liberal by the way if i say something that i believe i get jumped on whatever i m getting sick of living here sigh posted by la at 11 29 pm 5 comments tuesday may 12 2009 my new fave like a sunshower by journey girl tell me what s wrong are those tears in your eyes what s going on between us i m ready to listen i don t care if it takes all night we both said something we didn t mean we lost our heads now i can t sleep til you talk to me we find the sun through the rain caught in a sunshower we ll be all right no one s to blame after the storm we ll shine so rare you and me disagree love s like a sunshower when you meet me babe somewhere halfway yeah it s been way too long since we shared what s in our hearts let s say this charade is over ooh we can t take for granted how far we ve come let s not lose each other i know you care cause you stand your ground when we talked enough i wanna make up wanna make love we find the sun through the rain caught in a sunshower we ll be alright no one s to blame after the storm we ll shine so rare you and me disagree love s like a sunshower baby babe somewhere we ll find we won t regret we won t forget rainbows wait for you and me girl we re caught in a sunshower when we ve talked enough can we make up can we make love ooh yeah posted by la at 7 15 pm 1 comment older posts home subscribe to posts atom about me la navigating the world trying to discover this crazy little thing called la view my complete profile outer blogness a new eric eight hour lunch doug equality time jer illuminated jer lair of the sinister porpoise letters from a broad chanson life in the fast lane bull rebecca and all that entails runtu s rincon sideon s sanctuary sister mary lisa sml regarding wr...