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nd i was keeping the commandments therefore i was happy end of story but i learned subsequently that i d been clinically depressed for many years but it was impossible to admit that because i was so focused on telling myself how happy i was so yes it s been an interesting journey one filled equally with pain and joy but i wouldn t trade it for what elder ballard is offering not a chance mormonism works for some people i get that but unfortunately it s a one size fits all lifestyle and nothing fits everyone properly of course it doesn t help that the foundational claims of the church do not hold up to minimal scrutiny you see the life i had before was the life elder ballard and his fellows had prescribed for me i was following their script not mine and it didn t work but rather than rebel against it i had just denied who i was and tried to become the character in the play they had written for me but who i was slowly faded into the background and i sometimes wonder if there would have been anything left that was me had i stayed on that path while i was going through the turmoil of those days i found an excellent therapist in utah who understood what i was going through she told me something that changed my life you have to get to the point where living a happy and authentic life is more important than any relationship this was completely opposite of what i had been taught all my life put everyone else first not least the church and god subordinate your will to god and his prophets authenticity means being true to yourself but the gospel is about denying yourself so to whom shall we go when we leave the church does it matter we go where our heart our brain our conscience takes us and we find a happy and authentic life elder ballard seems to be suggesting as my mother would about people breaking the sabbath that people who leave only look happy but aren t really happy but we are i am anyway so yes come on in the water s fine 25 comments bible brigham young university byu christianity ex mormon lds mormon mormonism religion uncategorized permalink posted by runtu no way out september 1 2016 i was thinking this morning about my long struggle with depression for most of my life i just lived with it undiagnosed and untreated and i m convinced a lot of that had to do with my belief that being a member of the lds church and keeping the commandments made one happy i was doing what i was supposed to do and trying to nurture a relationship with god so i told myself i was happy because happiness naturally follows the kind of life i was living on the rare occasions i admitted how bad things were i just blamed myself for not being faithful enough and not being content with my blessings i was miserable sometimes i hated myself so much i contemplated suicide ironically what kept me from making the attempt was my belief that even if i killed myself it wouldn t be the end i d just be sitting there in the spirit world as unhappy and self loathing as ever so what would have been the point obviously the reality of my life didn t match what the church told me my life should be i just accepted that my life was as good as it was going to get and that meant i was happy perhaps i thought this was what happiness was and people who weren t living like that must be even worse off than i was essentially i didn t know what happiness was because i hadn t experienced it i ve said before that it wasn t until after my loss of faith that i was able to acknowledge and treat my depression of course it took a suicide attempt to get there i stopped telling myself i was happy and it was easy to recognize that the words had always been empty i found a good therapist and got on the right mix of medications i finally decided that happiness is being comfortable in your own skin enjoying your life without constantly feeling you need to do better self improvement is a worthy goal but i think we were caught in the trap of never stepping back to appreciate how far we d come there was always some other imperfection or failing we had to address and i guess by we i mean me life is good sorry i ve been so busy that i haven t gotten back to the novel but i will i promise 9 comments christianity depression lds mormon mormonism religion permalink posted by runtu oh inverted y june 6 2016 i ve been ill so things have slowed down on the story but it s coming in the meantime as with many of you recent events at brigham young university have left me wondering how to express my unhappiness at my alma mater i decided on something simple the oval y logo inverted if you attended byu and want to express your support for academic freedom unlinking the honor code from criminal investigations and ending the practice of expelling those who go through a faith change the inverted y is not a bad way to do it i m kind of hoping it catches on i have mixed emotions about byu having spent 7 years there as an undergrad and grad student i have wonderful memories of good friends students and professors and great experiences at the y i have close family members who are employed by byu or who attend the university and i love them and wish them the best some might say that speaking out about these issues shows disloyalty but i think a loyal alumnus helps the university become that much better by encouraging positive change and growth so if you would like to spread this graphic around as a sign of solidarity feel free thanks 1 comment brigham young university byu ex mormon football homosexuality lds mormon mormonism rape religion permalink posted by runtu the incidental prophet part 6 may 10 2016 my second full day on the ranch was a sunday my family honored the sabbath by doing only necessary work on sundays such as milking the cows gathering eggs and irrigating the fields if our water turn happened to come on sunday grandma woke me early and informed me over breakfast that church started at 10 00 so i must be finished with my chores washed and dressed for church by 9 15 i m going to have you feed the lambs since you already know how to do it she said how am i supposed to know how much water and milk powder to mix i said a little concerned it tells you right on the bag i ve already got some water heating on the stove for you i slowly carried the hot pan of water into the washroom and mixed it with some cold water in a can someone had set out for me grandma had said you could tell it was the right temperature if you could stick your finger into it and feel it was pretty close to your body temperature it took a little trial and error but eventually i got the temperature right i spilled too much of the mix on the floor but eventually i got it to where it looked and smelled about right it was another beautiful morning and even though it was june i see my breath as i carried the wooden crate of bottles out to the lamb enclosure traces of frost still clinging to some of the grass that was growing outside the fence line once again the lambs came running as soon as i approached for a moment i thought how good it felt to be wanted and needed but then i realized it was more about the milk they had it easy i thought just show up and be fed of course they had no idea their destiny was to end up supplying wool for sweaters or worse a nice easter dinner with grandma s mint jelly on the side but then it was their duty to fill the role they were born for and i knew it was mine too i got back to the house just as grandma came in with a basket of fresh eggs go wash up and put on your sunday clothes she said i ll fix some breakfast i was hungry so i washed quickly combed my hair and put on a white shirt a tie my dad had given me when i was ordained a deacon a couple of years earlier and my sunday slacks i gave my shoes a light rub with my dirty shirt and headed into the kitchen where grandma was putting two eggs in a basket on my plate she knew this was one of my favorites a slice of white bread with a hole cut in the center an egg dropped in and the whole thing fried in butter let me get a look at you grandma said suspiciously no that won t do she went to the sink and retrieved a dishcloth and some soap by the time she finished scrubbing my face neck ears arms and hands my skin felt raw and tingled didn t your mother teach you how to wash up she said knowing full well the answer sorry grandma i said as i dug into the eggs things will be different for you here she said this is my place and you do what i say yes ma am i said sheepishly taking a sip of milk after breakfast i put the dishes in the sink to soak and grandma and i walked out to the truck any of you fellas coming she shouted towards the bunkhouse where some of the hands were sitting on the stoop looking like they were just barely awake i was surprised when lyme walked out dressed in a clean white shirt tie and slacks since it s just the three of us we can all sit in the cab grandma said you drive lyme yes ma am he said taking the keys we drove for what seemed a long time until we reached a collection of houses bordered by a gas pump and store and a small clapboard church burr ridge ward read the words over a stylized beehive carved in a sandstone frame over the church door dad had showed me when i was a boy the remnants of a square and compass that had once adorned either side of the beehive but had for some mysterious reason been sanded off i never knew why but dad had just said i guess it s considered too sacred now but they used to be on every church building you d see i wasn t sure why those carvings were supposed to be sacred but he said i d understand someday we arrived too late for priesthood meeting but grandma said she d let me drive the truck in once she was sure she could trust me so we started out with sacrament meeting where we would partake of the emblems of the body and blood of christ bread and water because wine was forbidden to mormons church was pretty much like it was at home because i was a visitor i was asked to stand and introduce myself i ve always been uncomfortable in front of people so i stammered a little and could feel my face going red grandma stood this is my grandson william who is spending the summer here from utah she said smiling and patting me on the shoulder oh but he likes to be called will my face went even redder well welcome said bishop carver a large red faced man with unruly brown hair that he had unsuccessfully tried to comb into something presentable we re glad you re here in those days particularly in small congregations meetings would have only one speaker today s speaker was lazarus menlove a spindly looking man with a long sloping nose and ears that poked out perpendicular to his head brothers and sisters he began louder than i had imagined someone so physically unimposing could be i want you to know that we live in a day of miracles i reckon most of us think those days are gone by that miracles happened in jesus time or with the prophet joseph smith but i m here to tell you we have the same privilege of receiving miraculous answers to our prayers in the present even today this sounded promising as i d never heard of anyone speaking of miracles in our midst especially not in a tiny hamlet like burr ridge looking around the congregation i got the distinct impression that no one else in the chapel was buying any of it a couple of attractive girls who looked to be roughly my age were whispering and giggling until they saw i was looking the one turned away embarrassed her face as red as her hair the other girl who had hair as black as obsidian stared right back at me with blue eyes that looked like she could see right through me for a moment i thought she had smiled at me but i couldn t be sure then she looked down and pretended to find something interesting about the hymnbook i thought i was going to lose both the ewe and the lamb lazarus was nearly shouting but it weren t no use the lamb was coming feet first and it was all i could do not to tear the mama apart getting it out well that was something you didn t hear often in church i reached my arm inside the ewe and there was blood ever where lazarus continued as i stared spellbound the pore little lamb was all blue and still and the mama was just wailin in that way you ve all heard as if she was going through the fires of hell i for one hadn t heard anything like that before then all on a sudden i knew what i had to do he said his face looking rapturous i laid my blood soaked hands on that mama ewe and called down the blessings of heaven by the authority of the priesthood i hold grandma was shaking her head in disapproval but i couldn t look away he had me as if a light were shining in his countenance i d no sooner said amen when the spirit told me to reach my hands inside the mama ewe one more time she d lost a lot of blood but like nephi of old i knew better than to question the workings of the spirit i would have given anything to feel the workings of the spirit but i would have to rely on people like lazarus for the time being i shoved both my arms into the mama up to my elbows and tugged hard as i could suddenly the lamb shifted and verily it came sliding on out that was a heck of a story i thought but he wasn t done yet i knew i d saved that ewe but the lamb was dead beyond hope he said almost in a whisper looking directly at me but the lord wasn t going to let me lose that lamb too i laid my hands on that lamb and commanded it to live he paused for what seemed like an hour i had to know what had happened why i wouldn t believe it if i hadn a been there but that lamb started jerking coughed out a bit of blood and stood on its feet jus like it was a prize winner at the fair i think it might be the best looking lamb of the spring grandma sighed and as i turned i saw her roll her eyes a bit after the meeting she went directly to the bishop and said well i am quite sure the lord isn t pleased to hear such well indelicate talk in his house on his day now sister murdock he said patting her hand and chuckling you can t teach an old dog new tricks well that man needs a good talking to she said grandma looked annoyed but she took my arm and said it s time for lunch back in utah we would walk home after sacrament meeting and have lunch before returning in the afternoon for sunday school but there wasn t time to drive all the way back to the ranch so she had packed some sandwiches and lemonade in a basket which she had me retrieve from the back of the truck she spread out a blanket and she handed me a sandwich wrapped in waxed paper liverwurst grandma s favorite not mine but it wasn t bad grandma noticed lyme sitting alone under a poplar tree so she called out get on over here we can t have you starving now can we lyme looked a little embarrassed but took a sandwich come on grandma said patting the blanket sit down and eat with us my goodness you needn t fear us young man lyme looked quite flustered now but he sat down obediently and grandma poured lemonade in...