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uld have never let this happen yep i get it and i hate that i get it because i didn t get it before and now i m different and i can see better sometimes i wish i didn t see as well as i do now because what i see most clearly is the person i was before and sometimes that can hurt the person that i am now you know so last night after feeling like i almost needed to cry about it i m talking about the working mom seeing better thing here sean said to me very lovingly what is a mother anyway because the way i mother has changed i can see that better now the core things have stayed the same 1 make them feel safe 2 make them feel loved but what about all of the other rituals in between the ones that used to define me and made me feel confident in my mothering the way i used to do it a mother nurtures she loves and above all she makes her children feel safe this is what i told him it made me not cry and in the great words of marjorie pay hinckley i d rather laugh than cry crying gives me a headache it just made feel good i wasn t laughing but i wasn t crying because i m still doing those things i m still being a mother it might look differently than before but i m still a mother i always feel like crying when i ve been gone working even if i m working on my couch i thought i used to know what mom guilt felt like but now i see more and sometimes it s a lot to see but it makes me better and i know the look of that mom anyone still with me here have you ever been surprised at what you say to yourself when you are doing something you never knew you had opinions about i ve been wrestling with these thoughts i ve had about myself and about being a working mom and it s been eating away at me to write about it because i ve wanted to vomit at the thought of writing about it maybe because if i don t write about it i don t really have to think about it but i m always thinking about it i have to write about it so i sat there last night thinking about all of the things that i love doing as a mother wearing an apron to make dinner having a snack ready for the kids after school singing songs at bedtime to my children reading them stories and tucking them in each night braiding maxine s hair practicing piano being the room mom meal planning pretty much a lot of stuff i can t always do as a working mom this is my wrestle i ve struggled with how to make it all look exactly the way it was before with it being completely impossible to make it look exactly the way it was before and i think i m finally starting to settle into just letting it look how it looks without worrying about how it looked before kind of like when you have your 4th baby and the family is changed forever and it takes a year to work that new baby in but somehow you get a handle on it and you re more experienced as a mother than you were before you figure out how to shower do the laundry make the dinners and get the homework done some days that s pretty and some days it s not but you still go on and you see more it makes you better it makes you more whole and the moms with 3 kids don t get it you re different not better than them just different because you see more we had a 5th baby and it s name was plexus most people don t get to see something like that it s a lot of see and deep down i m grateful to see it because i know that god brought this into my life for a greater purpose than anything i could have ever imagined but sometimes it s hard to see something that a lot of people have never seen it still makes me better not better than them just better than i was before and it still makes me more whole because i see more that looks different because i am different which i m pretty sure is what god has wanted all along posted by em at 10 17 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels in my head tuesday february 7 2017 there s more to this story but that s for another day maxine turns 7 happy birthday to my little miss max things about maxine you should know she loves emoji shopkins making arts and crafts shopping dance and riding bikes her nickname is hp it stands for hell princess she doesn t know that s what it stands for but she will flip on a dime and you won t even know what hit you one time when she was 2 ️ she and brennan took two bags of pb and regular chocolate chips out on the tramp it was hot they melted i used to think brennan was the one causing the trouble bc he s older but we now know the common denominator for events such as this is always max it s just her gift to always be thinking and creating and planning it may look like mischief now but i know it s going to take her big places all through life she s learning to play piano and her teacher tells me she s in the lead for practicing minutes every day she sets a timer on alexa and we go down to the keyboard in the basement to take turns practicing together she s a perfectionist and i love watching her wrestle and learn through it thestruggleisreal when she gets hungry watch out she ll eat hot lunch but asks for home lunch about once a month and this all came about because brennan was going through the hot lunch line adventuresinhomelunch every day without asking and eating his home lunch too which went unnoticed for about three months until max ratted him out and it alllllllll made sense there s more to this story but that s for another day so now i ve just succumbed and basically they know they ve won and are in charge thestruggleisreal ️ at bedtime she asks me to scratch her back and tickle her arms and face she loves to read chapter books quiet and in her head and her teachers tell me that if they could just have a room full of maxine s the world would be a perfect place i love you littlemissmax posted by em at 12 18 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels birthdays little miss max monday february 6 2017 but without all of the static those chocolate whipping cream bowls red velvet pb cookie recipes chocolate whipping cream bowls ingredients 1pkg chocolate almond bark 8 10 balloons blown up softball size 1qt heavy whipping cream powdered sugar berries chocolate sauce mint for garnish directions make chocolate bowls blow up the balloons you want them small and round like little bowls next carefully dip each balloon about 1 2 to 3 4 of balloon into the melted chocolate and set on top of the chocolate disks on parchment paper let set in fridge for about 30 minutes after 30 minutes take the cookie sheets out and let the bowls sit for about 5 10 minutes while pinching the tops of the balloon snip or poke a hole to release the air slowly hopefully the balloon will release freely if it doesn t do not pull the balloon away from chocolate just let it sit for a few more minutes and the chocolate should release the balloon on its own the bowls are delicate keep the bowls on the cookie sheet and put back in fridge make whipped cream as directed spoon whipped cream into chocolate bowls top with berries yum i can t even wrap my head around this day i ve been to good things utah 7 times in the last 8 months and i love these people ahhh i love cooking for people just standing around in a kitchen is my dream come true i love to do things with my hands and pour into people and i m convinced that there s no better place to do that than a kitchen haha good grief i remember struggling when my sugar cravings went away 16 months ago it was like i didn t know how to connect with my food people if i didn t have those passions for food like i d always had it has been the weirdest thing because i just can t connect with you about feeling bloated after the super bowl because i m not in fact i haven t felt bloated once in over a year not even you know when i can t relate to waking up tired or being an insomniac i can t relate to being in a sugar coma i mean i can because i remember living in that rollercoaster since at least middle school but now i can t sometimes i ll still eat something fun like that whipping cream chocolate bowl thing up there i had some of that today just for fun i couldn t take more than a few bites but i ate it because why not and sometimes when we go out to dinner i ll have a dr pepper just for the bubbles but i can t ever finish it and sometimes it give me a headache and i tell sean to remind me that my body doesn t like sugar anymore ok ok maybe that sounds silly to you but to me i had this inner struggle over it all almost like a writer s block because i was that and i remember that but i m not that so where did i fit now i felt like there was this part of me that had disappeared but not because i couldn t have it but because i didn t want it it was like this part of me was in limbo mostly alone and i couldn t quite figure out how to get it back when i didn t want it back at least not the way it was before i could feel deep down inside that what i had was something even better i think that some people look at me now and think i deprive myself how can she really look at that and not want it well my friends that s for another post lol or just go scroll through my instagram ok ok emiemiemi82 ya ll i really just don t crave sugar sometimes i wish i did i miss it but not in the way you think soooooo not in the way you might think what i do not miss is waking up tired being controlled by my sugar cravings never having energy taking hours to fall asleep at night waking up anxious at a pin dropping my hair falling out my clothes never feeling like they fit right and being dependent on ice cream and sugar to calm me down at the end of the day or perk me up in the afternoon sugaraddict so when you hear me say i miss ice cream or whipping cream or living to eat in general it s not because i m abstaining from it or not letting myself have it and it s not because i m just lucky to be skinny with a great metabolism either it s called blood sugar balance fyi and it s because i truly don t want it i don t need it it s like my entire relationship to food has evolved into something more powerful than before it s like this deeper need to take care of my body is there in a way that i couldn t understand before because it used to be all about filling something rather than regenerating something it s like i can hear myself more clearly now because i m not drowning it out with static and i m not saying that if you like sugar that you are the opposite of everything i have just said insert a positive affirmation for yourself here ok ok so i ve had this inner turmoil and struggle about missing everything that had defined me before with it to that being gone now because the essence of it had changed all around me and even though i m better for it it was like there was this mourning of it i think that comes any time a piece of you changes evolves and this is where today comes in because today i realized that i ve recreated it in a completely different way it s like i ve circled back around almost like a mom that had her first baby or her 2nd or her third and then her fourth and there s that reckoning and adjusting phase you moms know what i m talking about and even if you don t have children i know you ve been through change in the way i m talking about in the same way just a different chapter of the book you men too we can t forget about you men too where you have to find your new normal and you re not quite sure when it s going to come or how you re going to find it until it s there because there s something so present in your life that changed everything the way you thought you knew it it s like i ve come back around and found where i was in a whole new place the same but different all at once and i get to share this amazing part of me that i ve always dreamed of sharing in this way but in completely different way than i could have ever imagine d it and i just can t explain how satisfying it is to be here living inside everything i never knew could be inside of this person that s been here all along still loving on people in my kitchen but without all of the static i think it s also called your mid thirties whichever what happens when you twirl the balloon in the hot chocolate too soon it explodes chocolate all over you your computer your toaster your pajamas your hair your kitchen floor and cabinets p s they re white and then you spend the next hour using a toothpick to pick it out from in between the keys on the keyboard lol really though it could have been worse and i ll never forget what it looked like as wet chocolate was spraying all over me everywhere maybe one of my favorite cookie memories ever at 12 45am on a sundee night peanut butter red velvet blossoms ingredients 1 bag hershey s kisses pinch salt 1 teaspoon baking soda 1 1 2 cups all purpose flour 3 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa 1 teaspoon red gel food coloring red velvet at harmon s by the birthday candles 2 teaspoons vanilla 2 tablespoons milk 1 egg 1 1 3 cups sugar 3 4 cup creamy peanut butter 1 2 cup 1 stick butter room temperature 1 4 cup red sanding sugar directions heat oven to 375 1 beat butter peanut butter and sugar in stand mixer for about 2 minutes on medium speed turn mixer to low and add in egg milk vanilla and red food coloring mix for about 30 seconds to incorporate then turn mixer to medium high and blend until light and fluffy 2 in a separate bowl sift cocoa flour baking soda and salt with mixer on slow add flour mixture to sugar mixture and beat until just combined 3 remove mixer bowl from stand shape dough into 1 inch balls pour red sanding sugar onto small plate or bowl roll dough ball in sanding sugar and place on prepared cookie sheet about 2 inches apart 4 bake for 8 to 10 minutes 5 while baking unwrap hershey s kisses once cookies are done baking remove from oven and immediately press a chocolate kiss into the center of each cookie the cookie should crack around edges 6 allow cookies to cool to room temperature cupid s floats cherry 7up vanilla ice cream red vines pour top with ice cream insert straw it fizzes plan for that it s fun you re welcome email me at emilygibson82 yahoo com posted by em at 9 53 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels growing pains in my head motherhood recipes older posts home subscribe to posts atom search this blog emiline the great em all i need is to write so i can figure out what it is i m thinking and shower and really the shower only has to be every other day but sometimes it can be stretched to every third day if absolutely necessary have mercy if i don t get to write or shower on any given day you can watch my cooking segment once a month on abc4 good things utah and find me on instagram emilinethegreat blogging old school since 2008 view my complete profile do what you feel in your heart to be right for you ll be criticized anyway eleanor roosevelt welcome my recipe link click below recipe link popular posts when people show you who they are believe them the fir...