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journeys in insanity skip to main skip to sidebar journeys in insanity a graduate student in psychology navigates through her own insanity and occasionally responds to the insanity of others friday may 30 2008 brussels i am in brussels belgium awaiting the hubby s arrival and trying to type on a french keyboard brussels is schlumpy and dirty i got lost but sorted nyself out by finding a police station where i could ask for directions i am not excited about being here yet i hope a shower some sleep and food will solve that posted by nicole at 11 10 1 comment labels europe travel wednesday may 28 2008 but for the grace of god thank you streak sarah psycgrad for your comments they do help and i often found myself reading them when i began to succumb to the irrational thought that i am crazy and that i should be able to handle all of this much much better and completely on my own my mentor is doing well he s toddling and joking he s having to relearn stuff but his humor his personality is there his left side is much compromised but i ve been able to see him a lot and we ve been able to talk he calls me his daughter and makes me cry my college roommate was in town over the weekend it was good to bring my best friend from tn together with some of my best friends from il it helps make the transition seem better and more fluid and my friend from tn and i caught up reconnected and drank beers on lake michigan on a boat we weren t navigating it was a lake cruise you pay for thank you god for leininkugel berry weiss and cheap champagne i leave for europe tomorrow and i ve never needed so badly to get away and to let myself rest and explore and recapture the wonder of god and creation my mentor has been having a very spiritual experience throughout his strokes dreams of god stripping away his pride asking hymns to be sung and speaking of what it was like to lie in his backyard for 1 2 an hour near death and how dim this earth looks compared to what lies beyond it s moving and powerful and good for my often fragile and doubt filled faith in what god is up to in this world as i go on my trip i have to accept that god will take care of all the gaps i fill in my regular life and let go of the pride of thinking that people will go uncared for in my absence i m leaving a friend to deal with all of her friends disappearing at once another is having serious heart problems and then my mentor and his family all of these people do their turns supporting me too and i am sad to be off having a great time while i know that they need me like i have so needed them in other times um like right now what i have learned during the past week plus is that love and relationships are all that matter i hope my trip makes me able to love more people better that s my goal posted by nicole at 11 53 no comments thursday may 22 2008 it s unfortunate but i m not apologizing where have i been well it s been a draining semester of a myriad of events many of them difficult because many of these events have been well difficult i have hesitated to blog about them some have been too vulnerable while others have been about sensitive information that no online forum would be anonymous enough to divulge but overall i have been going from one emotionally draining event from another and none of them are of my own making i do ask for prayers and thoughts and a 20 prayer gift for which i will send you a prayer rug that i have blessed just kidding seeing if you were awake but i was serious about the prayers and thoughts i am not trying to be secretive neither am i wanting to seek out the pity of others however i do think if i list all of these events i may just feel sorry for myself my mentor friend and professor who is in his mid 40 s had a stroke on sunday afternoon a severe one then there was emergency brain surgery for the swelling and all of the people coming to see him and the him being asleep and me finally finally getting to see him today which was so hard but such a blessing this man has been a dear friend supervisor and mentor and i am heartbroken for him right now and how hard it is for him to be dependent and the unknown nature of his recovery for him and for his wife and son whom i also know and love for four years i have been his teaching assistant his right hand his description he is my second dad and i feel so bad for leaving in a week to go to europe for leaving in 7 weeks to move hundreds of miles away at a time when he really does need an extra hand because his left side is paralyzed but improving he is still himself joking talking although more slowly and interspersed with naps my heart breaks i make myself get up early so that i get some time alone with him before the crowds come to visit him so he can tell me the things that he wants me to know the wednesday before his stroke we had a goodbye lunch where tears were shed and how much we have meant to each other was spoken where we said out loud what we had seen and experienced over 4 years of working laughing doing therapy and learning together i am so thankful for those 2 hours now and for the hours i know we re going to have in the future but for now my heart breaks and our department chair is in the same hospital with artery issues and likely facing surgery in the coming week as well he is intensely private but kind and gentle so although i by no means am as close to him the intense upset to our department and my community is overwhelming all of this follows on the heels of the internship process and saying goodbye to everything that has been our life these past 5 years my grandmother being seriously ill and near death but she s recovering very well now praise god a closest friend having some hard stuff and then being very hurtful to the point i had to step away in a time when i should be clinging to her the departure of a professor under dubious circumstance of which i was informed and that put me in a weird between faculty and students and friends colleagues coworkers supervisors situation a close professor having breast cancer and the increased load this placed on the aforementioned prof excruciatingly painful end of the year saying goodbye issues compounded by the painful things i was dealing with regarding the friend i mentioned before difficult situations with my practicum site and with a clinical training personnel that have resulted in my having to use my voice to speak up and give hard feedback to superiors but that has been received well and that i have been supported in and finally sending my husband off to europe this morning for work to see him again in 9 days when we will meet in brussels posted by nicole at 00 31 3 comments labels community grad school personal ta saturday march 29 2008 looking for music suggestions i volunteered to make the year end slide show for my department s banquet i actually enjoy this kind of thing and it s an easy way for me to give something to the department and actually enjoy it i especially enjoy the humor aspect of the job one year i diagnosed all of the faculty with various inane but funny disorders this year i am mulling over the ideas of how to poke appropriate fun at our facult but i m struggling with what songs to put with the pictures the struggle is that the songs need to be publicly acceptable probably meaning no cursing an unusually high number of my songs that i feel fit all say some combination of fuck fuck the president or fuck the war um that s probably not very nice to a group of diverse adults who may or may not agree with me although we are a christian school i do think that my psychologist classmates could handle the rare damn hell or shit any ideas the slide show is usually about 15 20 minutes so i have some leeway with a broad range of songs i typically go from a funny upbeat feel to a more serious saying goodbye tone what suggestions do you have posted by nicole at 20 21 3 comments labels grad school music contemplating contemplation instead of fasting in some way during the lenten season i added a discipline that discipline was attending liturgical services i chose a local charismatic liturgical church that is part of the anglican mission in america over and over again i was struck by the centeredness and closeness to god that i experienced in large part due to the sensuousness of the services the smell of the incense the taste of real wine served as communion the feel of oil on my head as i was being anointed and prayed for having grown up in evangelical traditions that largely focus on scripture and less on history tradition and experience to the point of being relatively suspicious of those aspects of faith i was deeply impacted by the meaning in the rituals of liturgical worship there is something about reciting creeds that were written and agreed upon by the church centuries and sometimes millenia ago i noticed that i had to draw more upon my theology training more often than i do in most other churches engaging my mind to actually consider what it means to be part of one holy catholic church i had to think about god from whom no thing is hid i thought more often about how i had sinned by what we have done and what we have left undone i was moved by the focus on the eucharist this a sacred ritual given to us by our saviour was savored and focused upon it was especially moving to be served communion by one of my best friends recieving the blood of christ the cup of salvation from someone from whom i have experienced love grace and friendship the past 5 years often brought me to tears i loved the slow and steady pace the cadence of the liturgy and frequent silences allowed me space to breathe pray and listen to god then there was the experience of palm sunday with an actual processional and palm leaves everything seemed so tangible and real the feel of the palm as i waved it the cold of the march air in my lungs as we stood outside hearing the music as the cross passed us by as we recited the liturgy and as a memeber of the congregation i had to also say crucify him it gave me chills the 40 days culminated with a 4 hour yes 4 hour easter vigil a somber service led into a joyous celebration banners unfurled reading alleluia lilies tulips and other spring flowers were brought out on stage the congregation rang bells the pastor danced on stage in his robes the people danced in the aisles with ribbons as we all shook our bells in jingling unison singing hymns of celebration one of my favorites open up the doors and let the music play let the streets resound with singing songs that bring your hope songs that bring your joy dancers who dance upon injustice i sang until i was hoarse hundreds of people gathered in the name of jesus christ celebrating until past 11pm on a saturday night keeping vigil celebrating that while we are sinful while we continue to hurt and exploit others while we all act out of selfishness while we all hurt and are blind to the hurt around us christ has conquered death to bring us hope and to deliever us from our failings and bring us to god alleleuia may we live out our hope and peace more and more every day posted by nicole at 19 40 no comments labels church easter liturgy personal thankful older posts home subscribe to posts atom about me nicole i m a graduate student in clinical psychology at a christian college in the midwest i am originally from tennessee i like hills and despise the cold weather i love my husband and my cats view my complete profile search get your own flickr badge psychobabble other people who meet criteria for neurosis ah yes medical school bacio italia bad christian beyond assumptions bitch ph d blogging cat bridget jones goes to seminary churchgal dooce dufflehead effected faith and foolishness feminism loves you the forty five minute hour from the salmon hipchickmama goes to seminary jesus politics mainstream baptist mccarty musings ninjanun one for truth panta ta ethne the parish paulicus maximus the pub redhead ramblings serotonin rain slacktivist streak s blog suburban bliss suburbia large wasp jerky church blogs eric s eddyfications hope deferred losing life standing on the desk velocity blog archive 2008 19 may 3 brussels but for the grace of god it s unfortunate but i m not apologizing march 3 february 8 january 5 2007 121 december 4 november 30 october 6 september 7 august 9 july 9 june 4 april 10 march 10 february 12 january 20 2006 95 december 5 november 4 october 10 september 20 august 10 july 11 june 5 may 4 march 7 february 7 january 12 2005 97 december 11 november 15 october 11 september 18 august 10 july 8 june 8 may 3 april 4 march 1 february 8 bibliotherapy soul making alan jones modes of therapeutic action martha stark documents of the christian church edited girl meets god lauren winner annie s baby the diary of anonymous a pregnant teenager music therapy presidents of the united states of america ten year super bonus jack johnson in between dreams derek webb mockingbird john davis john davis cinema therapy nip tuck the complete 3rd season mad about you the complete second season little miss sunshine law and order special victims unit the first year add url people travel to wonder at the height of mountains at the huge waves of the sea at the long courses of rivers at the vast compass of the ocean at the circular motion of the stars and they pass by themselves without wondering st augustine