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ting to happen and maybe just maybe you were created for a moment such as this yeah __________ happy tuesday posted by gradydoctor at 3 56 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels one moment in time yet do i marvel breath regular on rounds the other day him you alright doc me me him yeah you you seem outta sorts me smiles i m in sorts i promise now tell me how you doing him feeling a little better today me how s your wind him way better i sit him up and carefully untie the back of his gown on cue he takes breaths in and out as i listen intently me lungs sound good moves around to front of chest you can just breathe regular him i know after pressing my palm to his chest to feel his heart i search his chest with stethoscope although it s not normal it hasn t changed like always he keeps making big gasps forcing breaths in and out the whole time exaggeratedly me it s okay just breath regular him sometimes you want to breathe regular but you can t silence him miss manning me sir him you okay me i m okay him you sure me just got some bad news today about a friend is all a friend who passed silence him i m sorry me yeah me too was a real good dude through and through him damn shot me nah him kids me yup him damn silence him i knew you was out of sorts when i seent you me taking a drag of air yeah you were right after that we just sat there for a few moments in silence then my patient asked me about my friend and i told him a really funny story about him we both laughed out loud me that dude was wild him sound like he was cool as hell me that he was silence him it s gon be okay miss manning me eyes stinging and wanting to cry yeah sometimes you want to breathe regular but you can t you know him staring at me yeah i do know if you think the only ones doing the healing around grady are the doctors and nurses think again these patients save my life every single day rest well my friend praying we can all breathe regular soon posted by gradydoctor at 3 33 pm 1 comment email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels love is the what wednesday april 24 2019 full circle what happens to a dream deferred does it dry up like a raisin in the sun or fester like a sore and then run does it stink like rotten meat or crust and sugar over like a syrupy sweet maybe it just sags like a heavy load or does it explode langston hughes 1902 1967 _____________________________________________ 1 in 1992 i applied to emory university school of medicine and didn t even get an interview 2 in 1992 i also applied to case western school of medicine got an interview there but got waitlisted for med school and never came off the list 3 in 1992 i started at meharry medical college the school that felt right but that i feared attending because after tuskegee university it would be my second historically black college i worried it would hurt me in the future i was wrong 4 in 1996 i applied to emory university school of medicine for internal medicine residency and didn t even get an interview 5 in 1996 i applied to several other programs for residency including one of the case western affiliates metrohealth i took the interview there only because it coincided with my interview at the cleveland clinic i ended up loving the program at cwru metrohealth fortunately they loved me back 6 in 2000 i finished my residency at cwru metrohealth and started my chief residency that same year i would be selected by the medical students at case for honorary membership in alpha omega alpha honor medical society one of the highest honors any medical student can achieve at case western reserve school of medicine the same school where i was waitlisted in 1992 and never got in yup 7 in 2001 through a connection i made during my chief residency at cwru i applied for my dream job at grady hospital specifically with emory university school of medicine the same place that didn t grant me an interview in 1992 or 1996 this time they not only interviewed me they chose me guess the third time was the charm one year ago today on april 24 2018 i stood at a podium at the emory university school of medicine to deliver the keynote address for the 2018 spring banquet for their alpha omega alpha chapter a jewel in the academic crown for any medical student who achieves this distinction when i finished i got a standing ovation by the emory students by the emory faculty attendees and even by both the big dean and the dean of admissions talk about full circle man and no this isn t so much about alpha omega alpha honor medical society it isn t it s more about life and how delays aren t always denials nope that standing ovation felt good but now here s what i know for sure no matter how dope you seem accolades and collective handclaps from others should never define you only effort and hustle becoming is always better than being the doors that close on you can and will create new paths that make your life what it is supposed to be thank you emory university school of medicine for rejecting me not once but twice thank you meharry medical college for building me into exactly the doctor i was supposed to be thank you cwru for putting me on your wait list not admitting me to your medical school in 1992 and ultimately allowing me to grow there after medical school as a resident but especially thank you mr langston hughes for making me curious way back in 3rd grade of what happens to a dream deferred turns out that last line is right it explodes boom __________________ becoming is better than being carol dweck __________________________ proudofmybecoming growthmindset smartswithouteffortisdead putyourmouthpiecebackin andstartswingingagain itwasalwaysaboutgrady now playing on my mental ipod posted by gradydoctor at 6 51 pm 10 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels remember who you are wednesday march 13 2019 the little girl who didn t cry wolf your chest was hurting this was your chief complaint like pressure you d said then you shook your head and closed your eyes your hand pushed into the center of your chest for emphasis i asked what you were doing when it came on you shrugged and insisted that it was nothing out of the usual then you scratched your shoulder vigorously the suddenness of the gesture startled me you okay i asked yeah you said i just be itching sometimes i nodded and then went back to the discussion pressure like chest pain at rest that made you miserable enough to come to the emergency department a little bit of shortness of breath but not much no numbness or tingling in your arms you weren t exerting yourself in any way nope and yeah you used to use crack but not any more you were adamant i fell to my knees you said i was so tired miss manning i fell to my needs and asked god please please take this stronghold away from me i kept listening almost feeling like i didn t deserve to be on the other end of this testimony given my mood my team was surrounding me during this conversation they followed my lead saying nothing you went on then just like that he took it away from me i swear it s been three whole months three whole months you repeated that last part wow i said my wow didn t sound wow ish it sounded mechanical and fake my hand was rubbing the side of my neck i was listening to you and watching you your eyes were dancing and your hands were animated the laxity of your jaw as you spoke reminded me of the many heavy crack users i d seen over the years and the patient years ago who pointed to bobby brown on the television and said that way he move his jaw like that that s when you use a whole whole bunch of crack so yeah this was what i was thinking about the whole time that you were talking about what god had taken away from you sigh i didn t fully believe you not that i didn t think you believed what you were saying but i was tired very tired this day and i just needed something to just bark exactly like a dog and say hello my name is fido sigh the third year medical student however was new to this he d heard your story and presented you to me as the last patient at the end of a busy day and every drop of your kool aid he d lapped it all up gleefully reporting your newfound abstinence i believe her he said about you his young face was emphatic and his greenish eyes glistening with advocacy and defiance he repeated himself i believe her i wanted to but my bias against you was so strong and i was tired like so so tired not take a nap tired but emotionally tired of watching how this sickening crack epidemic decimated my people and how it was all beginning to feel like a hopeless version of that movie groundhog day uggh i remembered what i d learned about ways to fight bias being aware of triggers like exhaustion and such and so i held your hand and did the things we do for chest pain i nodded my head and mumbled words of affirmation about god s intervention like won t he do it then i said sorry in my head right after that to god for fronting and using his name in vain we didn t check a urine drug screen the student said outside of your room i mean we can but i will be so disappointed if it s positive i was tired so i just dragged a breath of air and said me too but still check it which he did yeah today when i came to see you you looked so happy to see me your face was still full of light the gladness in your eyes to see this black woman doctor was palpable i could see it before i even turned the light on my doctor heeeeey miss manning you reached for my hand i grabbed it hey sis i said softly then i sat down my face was serious and my eyes almost immediately welled up with tears what you queried your eyes looked worried about me what i swallowed and gained my composure i owe you an apology your eyes widened i i just got back your urine drug screen the student didn t want to get it but i insisted you kept listening it was negative the expression on your face was inexplicable then what you did next surprised me you held open your arms and asked for a hug i obliged you you be wanting to believe don t you but you can t always believe i nodded and sighed i do want to believe i do it s okay that s the thing about a stronghold it make reality and fantasy look like one and the same bet you heard a whole bunch of folks cry wolf before i tapped my foot and bit my lip so i wouldn t cry i am very proud of you and so happy for you and i believe you you said then you squeezed my hand when i left your room i went to a stairwell to cry mad with myself because every day i am preaching to my teams to believe that today could be the day here today was staring me in the face and my bias and exhaustion wouldn t let me believe it or at least try to believe it sigh no i don t have all this shit figured out no i do not but you were right i be wanting to believe damn i do yeah p s i told my medical student i was sorry too happy wednesday posted by gradydoctor at 11 53 pm 4 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels amazing grady bias is a funny thing monday march 11 2019 sister and the warrior as always details changed to protect anonymity afternoon rounds last week her did you feel nervous when got that me when i got what her points at my wrist that me oh this first yes then no silence her wow i never saw a doctor with a tattoo on her wrist me no her nope me so i m curious how does that make you feel her i m young so it mostly make it seem like you cool laughter her nawww but real talk i think it just make me know you a person me listening her like to me a tatt supposed to tell a story like it should mean something me i like that her pulls gown off of shoulder see this one it say warrior because i been through so much with my health but i come through stronger every time i m always gon fight back kicks foot out of sheet to show her foot this one on my foot say follow my footsteps that one remind me that even though some people let me down when i was little i ain t no victim i can create my own path follow god s path and be somebody other people want to follow you know what i m sayin me i do that s dope silence her i mean you gotta be careful about where you get ink and what it say but you also got to do you covers feet back up with covers and you can t be drunk or nothing me nodding i know that s right fist bump her points at my wrist again okay so what s the story behind that me turning my wrist to look at it well i lost a sister her oh man sorry me yeah but she was awesome so i like remembering her this way i also have another sister living and i m forever a sister to her my sister who passed and to my brother i believe in women having tight bonds so i m a sister to my women friends and then there s my sorority that s another sisterhood i m in her smiling that s what s up me still looking at my wrist yeah i was gonna put it somewhere else at first but then i realized that i wanted to see it every day so i put it here on my right wrist silence her see i told you a tattoo make people know you a person me laughing i m not so sure everyone would agree her i think sick people don t care about that they just want to know you a person who care and not a robot silence her i saw that and you know what i thought me what s that her that sister gon take care of me cause she got love in her heart for somebody silence me wanting to cry so bad her just staring at me smiling she seemed like she knew i wanted to cry silence her i love your tattoo dr manning me staring at my wrist again and smiling you know what little sister i love it too sigh damn i love this job happy monday posted by gradydoctor at 3 13 pm 1 comment email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels deanna love is the what tattoo older posts home subscribe to posts atom welcome to atlanta becoming is better than being carol dweck click the pic to find out more and to join the team who me i m just glad to be here gradydoctor atlanta georgia united states honestly i write this blog to share the human aspects of medicine teaching work life balance with others and myself and to honor the public hospital and her patients but never at the expense of patient privacy or dignity thanks for stopping by view my complete profile what s the point one writes out of one thing only one s own experience everything depends of how relentlessly one forces from this experience the last drop sweet or bitter it can possibly give james baldwin 1924 1987 do it for the story antoinette nguyen md mph details names time frames etc are always changed to protect anonymity this may or may not be an amalgamation of true quasi true or completely fictional events but the lessons they are always real and never ever fictional got that new here or feeling lucky search this blog y all come back now ya hear subscribe to our mailing list popular posts reflection on a saturday tb 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