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he was going to kill the funny like man the funny like man spotted the hulking brute who is the hero of our story hoy yew there come on over then i s won t hurt ye i means no arm what the fuck was this ponce saying well ognark approached regardless who are you and have you seen any poison goats answer me for ognark s need is great the man smiled i see uh no poison goats here mate my name is doctor steelstormface esquire he started walking towards ognark and it s a pleasure to make your acquaintance he extended his right hand when he got to our hero it took ognark a moment or three before he realized that this face doctor wasn t offering himself up to ognark as a meal disappointing ognark took the face doctor s hand so ognark slowly started you are a doctor of faces and you sing in a choir wot no no no mate i m an airship cap n i ride the skies in search of ahvencha what avencha er adventure the funny looking man smiled are you a rape gnome sir the funny looking man coughed uhm wot no i believe i am not a gnome my friend a rape gnome and friend rape gnomes like to say that sort of thing that they are your friend or wife or overly promiscuous friend of an old war buddy rape gnomes are very decep decep very tricky look mate i am not one of these rape gnomes you keep jawing on about alright you haven t suffered from too much sun a head wound i can t see perhaps ognark exhaled satisfactorily there was no raping from terrible rape gnomes tonight then what are those weirdish things on your face singing face doctor the man just sighed singing face right so these are called goggles i see and what do they do they allow me to see things without getting dust or bugs in my eyes whilst i pilot the big bird ye ken who s ken are you ken no i mean do you understand what is you name by the by ognark beamed please excuse my manners doctor i am ognark thistlespoon mighty marauder of the yonder waystes ognark was pleased he had learned to introduce himself so well of course ognark still wondered if this doctor steelstormface was actually a rape gnome and just what the hell esquiring something could mean was to esquire something to bugger it like a rape gnome would those beasts were tricky oh sure at first they would be all fine and nice with compliments and apologize for their kind you know the ones who end up raping people but then they would lure you into a false sense of security usually with candy ognark loved candy candy will never taste as sweet as it once did to poor ognark scuse me guv you somewhere else ognark had been staring at the doctor for how long ognark did not know all he knew was that he should have deep suspicions concerning this man while the doctor was probably not a rape gnome he could be in their employ those gnomes tricky the whole tricky thing cannot be stressed enough so steelstormface said would you like a ride in me airship ognark thought for a minute hmmm to ride in this airship it would be fun a lark a hoot a an airship i am scared of heights i see said the doctor well it s quite safe boyo safer than a vergontorpatersaur because one of those threw me hurt me bad been afraid of heights ever since doctor steelstormface esquire blinked he took in a deep breath look ognark this is not a living animal i can control it it is perfectly airworthy airsafe and you will be rather comfy as we glide along the air at fast but safe speeds ye ken ognark furrowed his brow it s not living no the large barbarian of yonder waystes heartily laughed as he started toward the craft patting steelstormface on the shoulder the doctor sighed relief there ye go lad that s not so bad eh no ognark is safe from being raped by a large flying animal our hero boarded the strange craft noting that the fart smell was coming from steelstormface and not the airship posted by steve saunders at 10 00 am no comments labels absurd fantasy absurdist stories barbarian fantasy bizarro fiction ognark rape gnomes short stories the rage of ognark violent fantasy friday july 27 2012 the rage of ognark part one hello there it s been a while but i ve been soooo soooo busy i really should be getting back to this project i m working on actually before i am beaten with sticks but i figured i d post this first see a couple years ago i wrote a very very short bit called the rage of ognark which was intended to be the start of stories parodying conan thrud and stuff like that however i lost interest got distracted etc etc and i never followed up on the 600 word piece flash forward to recently i have started getting more interested in bizarro fiction so i thought i d write ognark bits in that style and rewrite the first bit a little expanding it to 1000 words if you know anything anything at all about bizarro fiction you will know that ognark stories just may not be for you it s supposed to be silly but the rage of ognark will be no doubt offensive and squicky to some perhaps many then again if you know who i am and read my things on occasion then you will know that while i m a pretty nice guy i have a really bleak sense of gallows humor and enjoy nasty jokes so yeah this story is not for kids and you may not want people reading it over your shoulder at work anyway your feedback is appreciated keep in mind that this is all done on a lark and when i feel like it i would love critical feedback but i m also not very serious about this stuff so feel free to let the love hate tacos flow and ere we go ere we go part ii will be up soon as it s already done yay the rage of ognark part i the fruits of one s labors by s g saunders this excerpt of something probably most horrible was found by imperial archaeologists studying the now dead world lz 486c numerous translations have yielded only this result more research is currently underway as for the terrible fate that befell lz 486c that information is unknown at this time perseus fractalthorpe benzene iv associate professor university of doron nova texum ognark viewed the scene before him carnage absolute carnage ognark thought of what he d had to do to survive he thought of his family and friends he thought of home but not his home nor his friends nor his family could help him no all they would be is a carnage ridden mess if they d been there ognark thistlespoon let loose a low whistle he was actually rather impressed with himself ognark was impressed that he then remembered that any friends and family he once had were dead many by his own hand normally it was unfortunate tavern patrons across the land of evarmoore who would fall to ognark s mighty blade wielded by his mighty arms which ended in mighty fists normally there would be a maiden or two left over bar wenches perhaps who would yell things like ra pree shus swine at him expecting a child of yonder waystes to understand any of that nonsense but this time this time was different what was different exactly ognark thought for a moment well for one thing the gentlemen at his feet had been killed with one of those stick things that held up a kiosk awning thing ognark had not expected some random person in the market plaza to be so daft or was it deft at removing his mighty blade from his mighty fists that fellow probably didn t expect the blade to instantly kill a near by mule but ognark was digressing a bit he was then distracted by the cobblestones and how all the blood so much blood flowed between them so much beautiful blood the mighty bipedal mass of meat thought again how many people had he killed he tried counting a few times one two three fifteen sixteen twenty twenty one it had to be scores ognark had trouble counting past the twenties anyway he didn t know what a score was really or how many victims that could represent but ognark was quite sure scores of foes littered the plaza at this moment the morose silence was abruptly shattered hoy what is the seven hells has happened here by flurgstein s enormous balls this is madness you you there what has transpired here ognark saw a man dressed in what he believed to be the city s garish colors yelling to him the man had black hair dark eyes and lots of facial hair which was also black ognark decided to quit noticing him because unless he was slaying him or loving him he cared not for such trivial details or entrails entrails are tasty if fried up right ognark felt hungry all of a sudden trans pired ognark let the words flow slowly from his mighty jaws i don t think weather has much to do with this friend the man screwed his face into an expression of sincere confusion what who are you sir from whence do you hail and what manner of creature was responsible for this slaughter ognark took in a deep breath he then spied another dead body this one covered in pieces of various fruits ah that s right he mulled or is it muled he had killed that particular fellow with the contents of a fruit cart his voice now a proud growl ognark spoke i would be that port icular manner of creature sirrah tis me who purpose trated this righteous fury the man looked ill he seemed to be trying to catch his breath men who looked like this ognark thought should be put to death for the good of the women who will avoid them anyway ognark continued i pray fear you are next for mighty ognark thistlespoon of yonder waystes will suffer no fools uh fool the man whimpered but but why because fool is all i can think of oh uh prices ognark huffed moving his long jet black hair from his mighty face with a mighty hand now be a nice man and fetch me my axe it s over there in that rather portly fellow s chest the man dressed in the city s garish colors promptly fainted useless ognark muttered people dressed as guards or watchmen or guards usually tended to be useless bribeable sure which made them slightly more useful when he needed to get in to places unnoticed or hide in whorehouses or to pay them to look the other way ognark placed some coins in the trousers of the city guard if that s what he was it was time to get going and ognark grabbed a nearby cart and started filling it with corpses finally after a few minutes locals began to show their faces feeling safer in the fact that they could see what s going on without losing said faces the barbarian looked around made eye contact with a few of those horrified faces and he smiled he couldn t really recall why he murdered all of those people was it a price issue did one of them aggress him hmmm think to think about one thing was for sure it was best to just slit the guard s throat the gold was left in his trousers for the man s family if he had one that was the right thing to do now ognark had to leave this city whatever it was called he counted his blessings that everything occurred just outside the walls in the open market he hated it when things got complicated and lead to putting yet another settlement on the list of places to avoid for awhile his mighty face let loose a mighty grin once a mercenary captain he worked with and eventually decapitated told him that it s always best to look on the bright side of things of course the captain had said it when his head was still attached his head didn t say much after it was cut off but once it was placed into a small burlap sack local children seemed to enjoy playing games with it our hero heeding this dead decapitated mercenary captain s words continued to grin as he ventured back into the wilderness the cart creaked and the captured mules made unhappy noises but ognark didn t care he now had meals and trade goods for his long and hunger inducing journey posted by steve saunders at 2 39 pm no comments labels absurdist stories barbarian fantasy barbarian stories bizarro fiction cannibalism ognark rape gnomes s g saunders short stories subversive fantasy the rage of ognark violent fantasy your mom saturday may 5 2012 valiant returns x o manowar 1 important details to get out of the way first x o manowar 1 publisher valiant entertainment writing robert venditti pencils cary nord inks stefano gaudiano colors moose baumann cover art by esad ribic cary nord david aja and jelena kevic djurdjevic editing he s essential warren simons there we go due to a variety of reasons i can t make it to the free comic book day festivities today so i figure i might as well post a comic book review that should cover for my long grognerdy absence eh valiant comics was an important part of my latter youth they and the epic imprint really did a lot to change my perspective on how comics are made marketed and enjoyed there s more to be said there and there are many more comic book obsessed people who are infinitely more qualified than i am to get into it but valiant hasn t been around for a long long time and they return with an epic smash fist of a goddamned great comic just insert a whole bunch of needless hyperbole right here alright the truth is that this is an excellent tale of the sequential art persuasion cary nord s art is only magnified by gaudiano and baumann s efforts and nord knocks it out of the park so yeah the art is awesome i loved it i think there s a panel or two where i was like hmmm but it doesn t matter i can t take art that seriously all i really give a fuck about is is it rad and the answer to that my friends is crom yes nord brings the same game he brought to conan and it really shows and shows hard then there s the writing and story right so x o manowar back in the 90s can be looked up here read that no well the main character is a visigoth dude named aric he s from 5th century dacia i cannot tell you how many history boners i have seeing dacia in comic books there s romans too and aric fucks their shit up hardcore but all is for naught as the romans are a murderlicious beat down machine don t worry though alaric who makes an appearance perhaps there to increase the enormity of my nerd boner zeppelin fleet will beat the fucking hell out of rome and even sack their ass think a people comprised of angry historical goths not an army of arthouse types who look like robert smith or christian death or lycia and the virgin prunes see i know my goth shit yo take that you roman dicks anyways aric bumps into these aliens who call themselves the vine and gets abducted there s this suit of armor that they have and no one can wear but then aric shows up and plans his escape right away and you can see where this is all going it s spartacus meets buck rogers and flash gordon except instead of some raging pussy from america or britain for you fellow dan dare fans he s a dacian visigoth asshander space spartacus is gonna fight the space romans it s pretty freaking sweet actually this first issue is all set up and leaves things ready to jam into high gear come 2 i m already excited for it comparatively and apologies to any women s groups offended now for you fellow history geeks don t expect the history shown to be perfect but kudos to robert venditti for going the extra mile for verisimilitude s sake onagers also it s a rip roaring tale which makes me fall in love with com...