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description=“Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.” “Even a sheet of paper has two sides.”;

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d worked my ass off for and lost for no reason other than i was the only person participating in the relationship most of the time so i had no reason to not fall for his sweaty pleas his promises that he would do anything to get his family back i had never had any boundaries with him and i definitely had no way to establish them under the dire circumstances i had found him in i held on and waited so many months trying to not break and run to him drunk one night before i came he questioned which one of us would break first it was him i want to punch walls i am exhausted i cannot focus i found what is extremely scary for new yorkers being trapped in a totally empty airport overnight we are nearly never alone at any hour and when we are we pay close attention being alone walking all through an airport without a single person most of the night was surreal i was totally helpless because he reset my phone to factory settings and disabled and changed my password that locked me out of my bank account venmo everything all i could do was receive calls and i finally calmed down enough to see if i could get my email to work and email sr she absolutely swooped in and saved the day sent me money i could get to told me to call a cab and get my ass out of the empty airport immediately except i was in a shithole in the south with three cab companies and two of them were not open by the time i could do anything at 2 or 3am i sat outside from 3 to 5 and at one point someone came riding at top speed hit the curb up the sidewalk directly infront of where i was sitting i wondered if i was so delirious that i was hallucinating but i heard a woman yell she turned out to have just arrived and saw it was a cab driver and took me to the cheapest place i could find which looked like the kind of place you go to prostitute or get high but whatever i wasn t trying to take a 169 dollar nap at every other place around ended up they canceled my reservation the guy was on his first night all the rooms were booked that is when i discovered the guided crosswalks were out and i was looking at a six lane highway with traffic coming from four directions that is when i broke and called him at 5 am crying begging him to just help me he very calmly told me in his most reasonable captor voice that i wasn t being very calm or good now and maybe i would be a good girl again later and hung up my suitcase and my favorite shoes were broken and i had to run for it across a highway where i had absolutely no way to know what was coming at me while dragging 75 pounds of shit around with me like i had the last 15 hours at that point i was so exhausted and delirious and broken i agreed with him i had just screamed into the phone i was having a panic attack just be my goddamn big brother for once and help me do good girls do that no so bad girls dodge cars and drag bags and cry on the side of the street and go from booked hotel to booked hotel the suitcase won t roll for anything this whole time and i m considering leaving half of my worldly goods on the side of the road because i have been dragging it for so many hours i find a hotel manage to get checked in say a prayer of thanks to sir raven for the money and fall into a dreamless sleep where i can still see him and know his smell and cannot get his man scent out of my mind we play cat and mouse while i figure out getting the fuck out of town he wants to know where i am he wants me in his car in his house back in the nursery now the day before he had locked me outside for hours taken my phone to read my messages and block me out of everything including my own money and ability to get help he spent those hours screaming at his girl so loud i could hear him outside i am not nervous until it suddenly gets quiet and he comes out to where i am sitting on the side of the road where he put me with a gas can our mother has been telling him and his girl i m a witch he whispers the question are you a witch the men next door have been sitting outside and they interrupt him deliberately to ask about some very random tool and have him walk over to see what they have been working on for days i shoot the man a look of thanks having already told him i lost my phone and had him call me a cab which is taken hours to get my brother calmly opens the garage from his phone and then takes out his lawn mower his trance broken for a moment i think shango will set this whole thing on fire for a moment i think i think the fire will start with me he has poured gas on a dog when he was 5 i try to not think about that my face has no expression and i feel no fear if i had i would have had to be put down like that dog after he was done i know the rules in the end i have to go back to the airport in his car despite everything despite the random rage ride we took at some point where i knew he was thinking about running us both into the next possible building or mountain or telephone pole his arms were both locked on the wheel he is looking straight ahead he won t speak to me i make myself reach over and touch his arm just hold it a moment and it is enough that he softens and the car slows down in the end no cabs and no ubers were available even though i tried to reserve one 20 hours in advance of needing it if i was going to get to the airport i was going to have to take a ride from him he carries weed and gets high as we head into the airport and sit parked i pushed my door open immediately he grabs me where there are already finger marks on finger marks he insists i smoke which i absolutely do not want to do on federal property i remind him we are not white annoyed i do what he says get paranoid and he says he will hold my suitcase for me while i check inside and make sure i have walkers to help me at each transfer point he says he wants to have her come with the babies so i can see them one more time by the time i leave i have spent more hours alone in the airport over two days than i have with the babies i know they won t come back but he keeps my suitcase in his car and i encourage him to go spend time with them i don t want him to be alone when my plane goes wheels up when he comes back he is angry there is no food and no vending machines and not even a water fountain that works funny since that was my condition overnight and all day but whatever he tells me to come home and shower and i will feel better he will take me back later he offers to take me to eat to see the children i won t get back in his car there is no force on earth that could get me to i cannot risk my mind snapping the last time my ears got hot and they got hot in the particular way that tells me i am in mortal danger and need to react rightfuckingnow when he cannot get me to go in we finally sit in the again empty airport i show him my spot where i waited out the night we laugh he is hungry and i have a bag of goldfish as a snack in case i saw henry again i give it to him and he says these bags are so difficult he takes a knife off his jogger pants and smiles are you allowed to have these in an airport and he laughs head back enjoying himself i point out that i m am quite positive that no you are not supposed to pull out a knife in an airport he opens the goldfish with it laughing he returns my suitcase right before boarding time i am weak with relief when i get on the plane and everything has the surreal buzz of a verbose nightmare i open the window touch the cool glass they make me fold up my white cane and store it in the bin and i hate that even though i agree its necessary as the plane gets ready to take off i am thinking of this theory of violence and aggression where we find that only a very small percentage of people need to become aggressive in any crowd before it tips over into a full crescendo of rage i wonder how many people on a plane need to be be suicidal simultaneously to accidentally bring the plane down as i m looking politely in the general direction of the flight attendant telling us how to use the seat cushion as a flotation device i think the same thing the first time i am flying into this very storm because all i can think is abandon all hope all ye who enter here long was the way home tho what i feel is homeless in every possible way my identity is shattered carelessly since october i thought returning to an older identity might make me feel something but no i thought i had to try to help and couldn t just do nothing when my own life had ceased to have all meaning and purpose and joy when i was supposed to be the key for him to have is purpose back his meaning his joy i didn t think i didn t think that his purpose might be to destroy his joy to savor his control he calls fifteen times at 3 am and i turn the phone off he calls in the morning he calls whenever he wants he is angry even when i agree with him he rants and then hangs up on me his girl is right he is absolutely draining one call and i want to sleep forever i need to slow my mind down i need to not think i can go out and clean the kitchen and clean the bathroom and come back to this mess i cannot think in a mess i hate messes i also cannot do anything about it because it is literally too hard to do i haven t made a list in over a week i don t even know what day we are in irrelevant been out of meds for days and cannot manage to handle that whatever i m going back to sleep maybe i will wake up and be good i only know one way out of this my mind only knows how to process these things knowingly and aware through use my rage sits cold frozen knife blade still waiting i very deliberately form relationships that are close with men simply so that they are not hyper focused on me when i become this i try to make sure i don t set off the predator response to this iron bar slammed through my heart because i could use a few rounds with someone it would be impossible to hurt it doesn t matter that i will lose i am afraid of what i attract in this state which is another exhausting experience to just leave the house it just reinforces the flip back to older training bed training blanket training sleep calls posted in uncategorized 3 comments june 1 2021 by jadescastle may day the alternative title for this post is trigger warning but i went with mayday i have also decided that i am no longer participating in the month of may may 2019 was the trip home to my dying father may 2020 covid in full splendor may 2021 i went into the belly of the beast i can only do this a little bit at a time in small snapshots there is no way to find words to form words to see behind the door slammed shut in my mind i have been with the one person who knows the phrases to use that blocks me creates a disassociated state i have been with the one person who knows how to make me want to loose myself i would have never planned to arrive on her birthday our mother hates me so much i can imagine her wishing the plane from the sky had she known i get delayed five times in washington d c the hail and lightning evident i had been pleaded with to come since the first aching call at the end of november that is how long i hung on against every base instinct i have to not leave another soldier on the battlefield of life that is how long i saw his babies just one and two years old when he tells me that maybe god took everything else away from me everything everything it was to force me back to him i cannot provide any contrary evidence it wouldn t be the first time something drove me nearly outside of my own senses there was no protect the property clause now and no one to be much bothered when i don t make it back alive and so i flew into the belly of the beast two planes and one shuttle some nineteen hours all together from the time i left my home he met me in the shuttle lot a man says to me that my husband is glowing and chuckles he engulfs me he traces his thumb over familiar scars his thumb caresses a cigarette burn decades old mine he says we laugh he always hated me smoking and for the first time in his life has just gone out to buy cigarettes for me though i have smoked since i was 15 his hands remember every scar that were his and which were hers that is how we rekindled fingers tracing scars he did not let me sleep longer than two hours for nearly two weeks i was bolted in with keys without keys i scrubbed and cleaned and worked non stop because if i could make him see enough progress make him feel enough love the monster would calm inside it didn t work he drank me in like a man starved he ate and touched and enjoyed long massages for his aching arms and exhausting schedule and then his rage took over with all he could see was how effortless it was for me to give what he needs before he needs it when he could not get anything from her either her any her i woke up to shattered glass everywhere i woke up to him in full blackouts i woke up to him standing over me touching my throat i woke up to him raw and needing and unashamed and unstopable i quickly relearned how to not sleep not eat not respond to his vulgar with my own rage it takes me six hours to clean his tiny galley kitchen i wash and fold 15 loads of laundry in his fancy machines i spend 60 hours cleaning his house pulling it back from the hoard it has become working the same hours he works plus i have to stay awake with him cleaning up after him to not have the whole day ruined in a stream of stuff placed everywhere i am happy for the work the progress thinking it might make a difference he couldn t have the babies in the house as it was when i arrived for sure it takes me five days to be able to even see his children on the most loaded day of all mother s day i buy her flowers and cake and have gifts and everything goes to hell immediately weeks later his thumb prints and finger marks are still coming up on my body and i cannot stop washing myself it will feel strange when they are gone as if this was all just a nightmare of epic proportions his eyes were so different so changed he told me that i beat the shit out of everyone with the truth of the pain in my eyes every day i m sure that there is truth to that you d think maybe people would just stop hurting me just stop doing the very things that are far more dehumanizing than just being called a worthless whore for hours on end people often show me the worst and i am soul tired so thats it i tried i failed again posted in uncategorized 7 comments april 4 2021 by jadescastle shattered i feel like the word shattered like pulverized glass i haven t been able to come here and write for a long time in part my rage over being lied to and about was too immense to try and manage balancing that with not publicly humiliating someone who claimed to by my friend in the last few months i was lied to and on several times where i was staying every single day after the first two weeks featured 30 minute bitch sessions about items like taking out the garbage too fast in the end it was clear that no one was going to respect me i was t...