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hen i say we i am referring to my husband will strap on our tool belts and charge up our power tools we have preferred parking at homedepot and a new credit limit is being discussed let the adventures begin rate this posted june 18 2017 by janyceresh in cape breton moving canada do it yourself funny home renovations humour uncategorized tagged with humour life observations rants babysitting chaos 3 comments so we finally finished the house yeah us we got it just the way we always dreamed it could be it was perfect well apart from the black tile floors don t get me wrong they were stunning i first met them in the dust free pet free humans having a life free showroom of our local flooring store i fell in love so elegant so rich looking i just had to have them i imagined the statement they would make when i moved them into my home how they would majestically redefine the hallways the kitchen the bathrooms the family room laundry room and the staircase in that moment i felt as though nothing would ever feel so right and then the man came and laid my beautiful treasured tile and in an instant i knew nothing would ever be right again they were a mistake huge mistake a huge soul sucking mistake did you know that black tile floors expose every single fleck of dirt dust and hair and magnify them to the power of infinity i had to up my ocd medication just so i didn t stand in the corner all day wielding a swiffer wet jet like lady macbeth screaming out damned spot it was a thing i got help it didn t help so we put the house up for sale yes you heard me we decided to move no not just because of the tile i mean obviously we re not that obsessive however if questioned in a court of law i would be unable to deny under oath that it was not not a contributing factor the truth is we went on a cruise and one of the places we visited was nova scotia and we fell in love not like the black tile love that ended in betrayal and sadness but real life affirming this feels like home love we jokingly said if there was ever a job opportunity there we would seriously consider moving never joke true story you re welcome now i m pretty convinced the universe eavesdrops on my off the cuff remarks like an ambulance chasing lawyer desperate to have some relevant skin in the game i could be wrong but just one week later we were staring at a job offer that was too good to turn down and 2 weeks after that we were sitting at our dining room table talking to a realtor about home cost evaluations and curb appeal and just one short month later contracts were signed our house was sold and the movers were booked it was november 25th and in a mere 5 days we would be leaving beautiful british columbia to start our new adventure in sydney nova scotia you d think the story would just end there wouldn t you probably for most people it would but our family s freak flag flies torn and tattered and at half mast at least fifty percent of the time so this story is not quite over yet you see we operate under the assumption that irony and bad luck had a love child chaos its christian name and when they want a night off they leave chaos at our house for safe keeping i remember it as though it were yesterday it was friday night and i was watching the news and a story came on about a massive flood in our almost new town of sydney i remember thinking it was very sad now at that time i did not know i was babysitting chaos they truly are the worst parents they never call ahead and make sure i m free they just drop him off and run usually i don t even know he s there until it s too late and yes i have tried calling child protective services but the last time i did they just opened a file on me which i thought was very rude and completely unsupportive anyway that night as we slept blissfully unaware that chaos was in our charge our dishwasher sprung a leak and by morning our ceiling was buckling and we had 3 inches of water in our basement it seemed that chaos wasn t very sleepy that night so he decided to entertain himself by making our home into a rather sad little water park we were to close on the sale of our house 6 days later the good news is it all worked out not without a modicum of trouble and strife but all things being what they are for us business as usual the bad news it s the end of this chapter but don t worry i haven t even got to the good part so stay tuned rate this posted march 2 2017 by janyceresh in breaks canada family funny home renovations humour parenting tim hortons uncategorized lost my voice so i found a brush 7 comments this slideshow requires javascript rate this posted march 2 2017 by janyceresh in cape breton art breaks canada do it yourself oil uncategorized your next president of the united states is 7 comments the countdown has begun end of days maybe apocalypse possibly in my opinion the citizens of the united states are staring into the abyss and the abyss due to its utter embarrassment is refusing to look back i mean i assume it is it s not like the abyss and i are facebook friends but if i were the abyss i would be like nope i can t watch this you people are officially on your own it s a pretty sad day if even the abyss won t return your calls i m speaking of course of the 2016 presidential election or as i like to call it the battle between the bottom of the barrel and the sludge you might find stuck on the side of said barrel i for one don t envy their choices how does one decide between a lying manipulative entitled garden gnome and an ignorant racist sexual predator with combed over troll hair it s not as easy as i make it sound gnomes can make lovely lawn ornaments and trolls can manage bridge tolls and i assume also have working knowledge of expansive walls both have some albeit limited value so i would like to offer a third candidate now it s a little unprecedented and i m not entirely sure of the legalese of my suggestion but given the fact that this entire campaign has been run with the decorum of a jerry springer baby daddy reveal i feel that the bar has been set so far underground it may or not have been reduced to molten steel that being said and without further ado i would like to introduce to you my mini dachshund chihuahua wiggles and nominate her to be your next president of the united states of america she has decided to select our siamese cat salem as her running mate as she feels that he rounds out the ticket with his ethnic diversity also it s important to note that he has been neutered so he is unlikely to be a political liability with regards to any sexually deviant behaviour and the only bush he hangs around is the one by our front door some of you might be asking yourself what qualifies either of these four legged furry phenoms to be the leaders of the most powerful nation on earth i say some of you because there is obviously a faction of individuals who believe that the lesser of 2 evils is the way they will be utilizing their constitutional right to vote on november 9th if that isn t just the saddest most demoralizing use of of democracy i don t know what is wiggles and salem recognize how important it is to once again inspire and bring hope to your great nation and they are challenging all to cast their vote for the party of barksalot and purrsome working title only they are willing and currently able to leave their home in canada and take on the most auspicious office in the free world i say currently because wiggles is of mexican descent and salem has been batting about the idea of adopting the muslim faith so obviously their immigration status and freedom of religion may become a bit of a logistical nightmare if one of your current candidates wins the election but i digress their sacrifice of free healthcare and the ability interject eh and i m sorry for no apparent reason is not something that they will easy part with however it is their determination to reset the balance of democracy in favour of something a little less ridiculous that fuels their belief that they are the one true hope for your nation also it s important to note that wiggles will absolutely release her tax returns and salem has never been allowed to use our home server to access any of his work related emails if you could see wiggles and salem right now you d see that their passion for governing is second only to their love of naps and snuggles so it is with a humble heart i would like to give you this alternative on november 9th because a vote for wiggles and salem is a vote for furrmocracy and let s face it isn t that the best mock racy there rate this posted october 12 2016 by janyceresh in 2016 united states election cats chihuahua dogss election funny humour politics president siamese cats uncategorized united states tagged with chihuahua apocalypse not 16 comments dear god mr trump just won again i know it seems bleak sodom and gomorrah bleak but i was hoping you would refrain from sending in the horseman of the apocalypse for just a bit longer i m not saying that a certain voting demographic couldn t benefit from a strongly worded burning bush or maybe even a very localized weather event in the genre of say a red sea parting or a semi great flood or anything else that might remind them of that little section in the bible that talks about of the perils of deifying a false prophet or just about anything that discusses what to look for in an antichrist not trying to tell you how to do your thing i know you got this it s just if you could possibly give us a sign that this is just big cosmic ha ha i for one would sleep a lot better at night yours faithfully janyce ps in the event of a sudden rapture i would totally prefer to ascend wearing my clothes more for the benefit of others than myself again this would be up to your discretion rate this posted march 16 2016 by janyceresh in uncategorized i m not so maybe you re not too 2 comments i m not a lot of things in fact the laundry lists of things that i am not is quite impressive if i do say so myself for example i am not a man nor am i pigeon or a particularly skilled athlete the latter can be attested to by anyone who has ever watched me participate in any activity that requires both my brain and my body to coordinate in any meaningful way i once dislocated my knee in the 30 seconds it took me to stand up and walk over to the dance floor true story luckily the fellow with whom i had attempted to dance with was able to quickly slam it back into place he had that skill set so while i always knew that i shouldn t walk and chew gum at the same time without a supervising medic i know have to live with the painful knowledge that just plain walking is not something that i am gifted at so i m not coordinated i own that i m fine with it and if i find myself in situations that require me to perform acts that could cause me bodily harm i wear a helmet and make sure my health insurance is current i like being prepared that s my skill set now if i can accept what it is that i am not why can t more people embrace and accept the limits of their own realities so what s lit the fire in my belly that has lead to yet another one of my epic over shares well the answer to that question my friends is simply this crappy drivers just because you can spell the word car doesn t mean should drive one for example if you consistently drive in the left lane a minimum of 10km below the posted speed limit whilst seemingly sharing recipes with the driver keeping pace with you in the right lane you should both immediately pull over put your vehicles in park and burn your drivers license and or your cars now of course there is no law requiring to do so but it is fair to say that driving is not your thing it s ok no one will judge for accepting this simple truth about yourself animals have zero difficulty accepting what they are and aren t capable of case in point you will probably never see cats teaching quantum physics or sharks climbing mount everest i say probably because i am also not a zoologist and i would be remiss in speculating on the possibility of either one of these things occurring at some later date however as of this minute it would appear it is still well beyond their current evolutionary purview so if genetically speaking we are all predestined to live within our own evolutionary constraints why do so many people fight against it with every fathom of their being it s okay not to be awesome at everything it s okay to not to be much good at most things i am in fact the living breathing testament to that statement that being said if you are this driver or you know this driver do mankind a favour stop trying to do what your not good at and maybe just call a cab rate this posted january 23 2016 by janyceresh in breaks canada children do it yourself electronics family funny humour mensa uncategorized tagged with animals cats coping genetics evolution divine intervention warning labels my social indictment of the selfie 24 comments what the selfie is happening to us humans if i see one more teenage girl using her phone to take a picture of herself wearing a surprised duck face i am going to be forced to make a citizens arrest i could you know it s a thing i looked it up the criminal code of canada allows for a citizen to detain and charge an individual who has performed an indecent act now i realize i may be taking some liberties in my interpretation of the law but i have watched the entire series of ally mcbeal and boston legal on netflix so i feel pretty confident that i could make a very strong case i would further argue that the selfie stick should be registered and included in the list of prohibitive and restricted weapons with all these crazy narcissists waving them about in public it is only a matter of time before they impale some innocent bystander and or somebody loses an eye you know the old saying it s all fun and games until somebody s on their way to the emergency room i m not saying they should do time in a maximum security facility but i would definitely advocate some jail time in that prison i ve seen on the show orange is the new black try taking a good selfie with a disposable one shot camera wearing a shapeless prison jumpsuit and posting it to facebook i dare you sometimes i close my eyes and remember a quieter gentler time when people had the good sense to resist the urge to capture every inane moment and faked facial expression that occurred in their lives i m reminded of the days of old when taking pictures was reserved for special occasions like birthdays weddings funerals gathering evidence for a criminal investigation or to leverage a better settlement in a divorce those were kinder gentler times to those of you out there who are guilty of this non crime be warned life has funny way of self correcting and if you insist on taking your picture posing like you just had your lips sucked up in vacuum you run the real risk of capturing the enduring image of an idiot sent from my ipad rat...