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Text of the page (random words):
an open letter to charlie sheen please just die note this was originally written for 29 95 com my employers for the past couple of years who were for whatever reasons horrified when i turned it in dear mr sheen sometimes it is hard to make the obvious choices in life it took you years to cash in on your asshole partyboy image and sleepwalk through a maddeningly popular sitcom that s enabled you to become richer and higher than christ and the beatles combined it may have been hard for you to give up on the idea that you might someday make another platoon or even the chase and lower yourself to do a television program that by all measurable standards defines middle american middle of the road but look at yourself today lounging in your indoor swimming pool filled with cocaine and breast implants relaxing after another endlessly facebook quotable interview with the today show or cnbc or the miami student times or whoever was next down on the totem pole you ve got to admit that selling out was the right thing to do which is why i m imploring you to continue embracing the path you have been so vigorously pounding as of late please die charlie sheen please please die die spectacularly violently in a way that people only dream about die publicly loudly profanely nakedly don t die like a mere superstar or even just a plain hero ke ha is a superstar a dog who saves a cat s life is a hero die like a visionary artist or a freedom fighter die like a demigod die in a way that people will finally understand the charlie sheen that only you so far seem to understand the charlie sheen who shoots poetry and magic from his fingertips the charlie sheen whose very essence is pure narcotic toxin too potent for mortals to shoot snort or freebase the charlie sheen who is whatever the hell else crazy manic bullshit you ve been sputtering die where there are plenty of people around to photograph and film it construct a helicopter shaped like your flaccid hungover penis and crash it into your mansion self finance your own major league 3 or technically 4 but no you re right it so completely does not even matter and ride a motorcycle into an explosives laden bus in the climactic final scene you d have to get it right in one take but you can do it because duh you re charlie sheen round up every single one of your friends from the past fifteen years hookers and reenact that naked rollerskating death scene from monty python s the meaning of life if you haven t seen it it s exactly what it sounds like pay the half man from two and a half men to chase you through a shopping mall and stab you in the neck nobody s going to stop him people love you charlie do whatever you like i m sure you ve got plenty of better ideas so long as it ends with you dying until you re dead and please try not to kill anybody else while you re at it maybe a couple paparazzo but remember this is your time to shine charlie because it s all about to go downhill you know that right you must know you re peaking you must be able to feel it in your nigh invulnerable bones you can pass as many drug tests as you like black market nun urine remains cheap and plentiful and you can imaginatively threaten as many television executives as there are stars in your head but eventually the ever fickle public is going to turn its attention to the next psychotic egotist even if you win your lawsuit against cbs even if you subsequently turn it into an all pornography network even if you are allowed to behead two and a half men creator chuck lorre and wear his head around your neck like a flava flav medallion people are going to stop focusing their energy on you the time to act is now and the smartest thing you can do is clearly to take your own life wrestle a great white shark in a tank filled with liquid pharmaceutical cocaine and then after you win you winner you drink the shark s blood and whatever may be leftover in the tank and chastise the attending spectators for their bloodlust and lack of faith in your superhumanity then shoot yourself in the face it will probably take more than one bullet you charlie sheen but it needs to be done humanity needs to be taught a lesson nothing can defeat charlie sheen and charlie sheen can defeat anything why even bother playing out the rest of this two and a half men debacle or for that matter the rest of your dumb life why bother talking to these dullard news reporters wasting braggadocio that seasoned battle rappers would sell their rims for on the likes of good morning america and the guy who used to work for inside edition why spend so much of your admittedly inexhaustible energy convincing the world what if we haven t figured out yet we re probably never going to get that charlie sheen is a superhuman creature of power and light whose bountiful talent and infinite love we have taken for granted like spoiled ungrateful heathen brats the worst case scenario is that mankind learns the error of its ways and vows to take a lesson from you while you ascend to the right hand of god where you shall sit at his side judging the quick and the dead while a choir of angels provide you with all the sandwiches massages and handjobs cbs so cruelly withheld meanwhile back on earth after a prolonged period of mourning wailing and gnashing of teeth humanity will unite in their grief taking the appropriate lessons from your death and your glorious spectacular life the alpha will become alpha er and the rest will get out of their way society will realize how wrong it s been to let feebleminded dorks peddle sham concepts like addiction bi polar illness and it is not cool to hit women for so long hookers will at long last flourish in a free market economy dudes will wear sunglasses indoors the best case scenario is one that i m sure you ve been suspecting for awhile now namely that you are an immortal and cannot be killed save for your increasingly melty candle face i cannot offer much in the way of an argument against the idea that you will live forever no matter how many times you try to shoot yourself in the face if ever there were a time to test this theory it is now please mr sheen please i know you ve got another television interview lined up soon stab yourself in the eye in front of katie couric until you die or defeat death entirely it must be done i would help you if i could you have so much to offer think of all the good in this world all the joy and all the happiness think of all the sorrow and the sadness all the people who aren t sure where they re going in life or how they re going to make it to tomorrow think of all the kindly talk show hosts and pundits who have been there for you these past couple weeks graciously enabling you to loudly and publicly wallow in your brilliant disease think of all your fans the beautiful nation of blog commenters and entertainment tonight rubberneckers hanging on your every word breathlessly rooting for your glorious victory over cbs and by extension your even more glorious self immolation think of the children charlie sheen hurry up and die people are starting to get bored posted by joe mathlete at 11 33 am 5 comments tuesday june 01 2010 an amusing true story about this one time i tried to prevent date rape on my way from my car to go see a couple of bands play at a bar i notice a couple walking on the sidewalk about a half block away from me a man and a woman both dressed reasonably nice the woman is talking loudly and angrily and having trouble walking in a straight line the man is doing his best to steady the woman i cross to the other side of the street and keep walking as i get closer i can see the woman is not just drunk but extraordinarily famously drunk frat party drunk comatose drunk vomit at any minute drunk sick drunk she seems to be struggling weakly against both gravity and her companion who does not seem inebriated whatsoever and moreso than that seems to be doing his best to shut her up and hustle her into the apartment complex they re now standing in front of it s not quite ten pm central standard time on a saturday night the woman is clearly angry at the man and clearly not used to being this wasted the man on the other hand seems every bit as calm and collected as the woman is upset and disoriented he also looks about ten or fifteen years older than the her now that i ve got a better look the woman is yelling at him now pushing at him she takes a swing at him with her purse misses and falls squat on her ass i ve had friends who ve been drugged at clubs or bars it s awful when she fell onto the pavement like that i had to stop walking hey is everything okay the guy looks up while attempting to help the woman off the ground he seems more agitated now yeah we re fine the woman has been yell muttering unintelligibly this whole time she does not like being helped up she s just drunk is all the man says the woman starts protesting semi coherently i m bad at confrontation and i m good at minding my own business but at that moment i was beyond pissed off at the guy he went on a date with some girl doped her up and now he s trying to hustle her into his apartment before she passes out at that moment he was everyone who s ever taken advantage of anyone else i raised my voice it s not even ten o clock who gets this drunk at ten o clock he sighed a little bit my wife she steadied herself on his shoulder and yelled across the street to me it s because i m a republican and he s a democrat i smiled and wished them a good evening told them to take care i continued on to the bar grateful for the happy ending i felt like shit posted by joe mathlete at 9 00 pm 5 comments monday may 18 2009 if you are into twitter i have one of those now it s right here i ve only been doing haiku so far and i think i m going to be able to stick with it feel free to be my twitterbuddy or however that works i am twitterbuddies with slim thug it s awesome he doesn t want to take blood pressure medicine because he won t be able to get an erection this is a fact that i know also totally do go to www 29 95 com time suck to see things i do side note if you would describe yourself as into twitter without being prompted no offense but we would probably not hang out as i still don t get what it s about and in a lot of ways i am weird about the internet to begin with posted by joe mathlete at 1 36 am 6 comments friday may 08 2009 hi there houston i will be at the art car parade saturday drawing stuff for free the art car parade is an annual event here in town where people who drive art cars come from all over the country and close down streets i usually drive on and a lot of years i forget about it until i have somewhere to go and i see all these orange cones and i go shit it s this thing again i have been before and it s pretty neat though people from all over the country who drive art cars which can range from cars meticulously decorated to look like things like sharks or tanks or cockroaches to just cars with a bunch of random shit glued to them for no good reason come to my town and go crazy for several days and it culminates in a big parade on saturday i have been set up with a little booth where i m drawing pictures for people taking requests like with the thing i used to do with index cards it should be a lot of fun come say hi if you live where i live and are going to be at the parade and i ll draw you something silly in other news funniest british and or jewish comedy and or music trios week continues for some reason on 29 95 com finalists include the beastie boys the crew from the ricky gervais podcast yo la tengo stella and the police that one should be up sometime later today posted by joe mathlete at 11 20 am 5 comments monday may 04 2009 what you have been missing if you haven t been looking at 29 95 com a bunch of stuff by a bunch of people writing about stuff first of all if you were specifically interested in stuff i was doing a review of an episode of everybody loves raymond on mute a shrek themed wedding and the existence of warcraft pornography make me upset how was i not fired part two lotsa comics scroll down a little bit one of my favorite local bands plays a song in my living room marmaduke explained still pisses me off after almost three goddamn years coming soon a review of the godfather part iii where i mostly just ask a bunch of angry rhetorical questions and swear a review of the wolverine movie co authored by my childhood and a continued listing all week of the funniest british and or jewish comedy and or music trios check out the now train future style tm sorry posted by joe mathlete at 2 23 pm 3 comments thursday april 23 2009 29 95 com joe mathlete returns to the internet like every damn day first of all 29 95 com but maybe more importantly what i think bruce springsteen s born to run sounds like without ever having heard it how was i not fired can your preacher turn into an airplane drawing index cards live in person ruined movie soundtrack smorgasbord as you guys have noticed i don t update this blog very often anymore nor any of the blogs i keep there are reasons for this blah blah blah blah blah you may not find all of those valid or relevant but they were all factors for me laying lower than i did in say 2007 but if you miss those heady times when i worked an office job and was so bored that every day i d do something like replace one word from every cnn com headline with grandpa i had better days too well i wanted to let you know i m writing stuff on a daily basis again and you should read it cuz it s good the website like it says up there is 29 95 com that s the latitude and longitude of houston my hometown of which i am very fond true story i am actually wearing a shirt that says it s okay to heart houston right now i considered taking a webcam picture of the lame coincidence but a seemed contrived and b i ve had the flu for a week and a half and i look like a doodoo zombie though the site is houston centric i won t actually be writing about houston too often though my section s called time suck though i ll sometimes be doing work in other sections i ll be giving them at least one post a day plus two original comics sauce policy and dating is hard you can scroll down to see the first few and a poorly shot video of a band playing in my living room every two weeks they haven t really set any limits for me they ve actually used the words my playground more than once which i am okay with honestly the guys who have started the site have been enormously cool to me my editor sara cress has given me an enormous amount of creative freedom and between my freelancers checks and living like a pauper in an extraordinarily affordable city i am able to live mostly off of this after a year and a half of working mostly as a movie theater lackey see above how was i not fired a grocery store food guy it was a really good one but had crazy downsides and anyway they fired me and an actor shut up it will be wonderful to focus o...