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all the sweet tender hearted boy i know would not be capable but he wasn t that boy anymore he was broken drug addicted beat down out of his mind and hopeless lost i know that none of that is an acceptable reason to take someone else s life and i am so completely horrified that this person is gone that this family has suffered such a terrible loss and that my brother could have had something to do with it i am simply in such shock that i cannot even process the implications of this i m just wondering aloud about the responsibility this child my brother was raised under such horrendous circumstances for the most part without love and without guidance only beaten and broken physically and psychologically is the blame solely his what about the father who beat him what about the mother who neglected his needs what about the teacher that felt he wasn t worth teaching the brothers that left him in the dust and set terrible examples the community that saw signs of abuse but didn t report it what about me i knew he was on a destructive path but i didn t do everything in my power to intervene are we all responsible share the love share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on reddit opens in new window reddit email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr like loading posted in abuse culture delinquincy family mental illness tags murder prison responsibility suicide permalink 31 comments 10 oct 2014 bloody mess so there we were everything was perfect too perfect maybe do you ever get suspicious when everything seems to be going well like at any moment i m going to rip a deafening fart in front of a lot of people in a quiet room or i m going to be humming along having a great day and get a text message that says totally unexpected your sister in law is dead yes that happened i m always suspicious of any span of time that seems a little too happy go lucky but i think i have justification to be the total paranoid freak that i am anyway there we were my husband and i we were on vacation in key west back when we were only dating we were young hot care free and enjoying some serious rays out on a motor boat in the ocean we were on a little parasailing excursion with about 10 other people it was very relaxing as we waited not too long for our turn to fly then up we went oh this is so fun oh the wind feels so nice oh this is a lot more fun than the last time when i went parasailing and fell through the restraints that hadn t been properly put on me and was hanging on for dear life then they reeled us in they did that fun little thing where they have you float all the way down and hit the water splashing and pop back up before they pull you on board so we re dripping wet when we get back on the boat oh yeah important plot point i was wearing nothing but a tiny white bikini i had no other clothes with me out on that boat nor a towel but no biggie it felt nice i ll air dry we reclaimed a seat on the padded white cushions along the perimeter of the boat as the next couple got up to fly as we were instructed the remaining 8 of us scooch over so that we re rotating our position allowing for whoever is next to be seated right next to the parasail equipment as i slid i noticed something awful blood whaaaaaaaaaat i look down alarmed and realize that yes this is my life my period has begun full force as i scoot i m leaving behind a watery blood puddle on the white cushions from my white bikini for others to scoot onto is this a nightmare sadly no i begin to panic i look around frantically trying to see if anyone else has noticed my situation i see some eyes darting away from mine i m paranoid everyone knows it s time to scooch again i lean over to my then boyfriend and command him to grab the tiny little half towel that is also white that i spot under someone s seat across the boat he gives me a quizzical look he hasn t noticed yet i give him the don t ask questions just freaking do it look and he gets up to grab it some more people notice this strange activity as he is likely grabbing a fellow passenger s teeny towel was it a freaking wash cloth so i snatch it out of his hands ball it up soak up the existing blood trail and stick it underneath me awkward i m now straddling this white ish towel between my legs outside of my white bikini on my white cushion and when we scoot i have to scoot in this very intense purposeful way so as to not have to move the towel with my hand and bring more attention to it i went into this zone that didn t allow me to fully comprehend what was happening the humiliation to protect me from imploding i was focused on getting off that damn boat and on to the bigger sail boat where i had no change of clothes but at least a normal sized towel to wrap around my shame finally it was over i had to carry my bloody mess of a towel that i stole with me off of the boat for all to gawk at but it was over i regaled my cooky coworkers with this story some time after and they were horrified for me they said that they really didn t think the situation could have been any worse than that but you know i disagree share the love share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on reddit opens in new window reddit email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr like loading posted in humor surprises tags misadventures paranoia shame permalink 29 comments 21 sep 2014 i wish i could ctrl alt delete you clusterfuck ˈkləstərˌfək noun a disastrously mishandled situation or undertaking as in i recently visited my prison brother and the experience was quite the clusterfuck let me set the scene on the night before the visit my husband and i attended a concert at the state fair my husband was terribly bored leading us to leave early and somehow turned into an incredibly stupid fight we both anger walked out to the car hardly speaking and then were pulled over shortly after leaving the parking lot making the evening even sweeter the next day i left work early for the visit i pull into the lot much earlier than required and for a split second i was feeling peaceful happy to see my brother and glad to be early to something for a change i was ready to jam out to some music and collect my thoughts then i realized shit i don t have my freaking driver license i had put it in my pocket for the fair and it was left on my nightstand so i immediately enter panic mode and race home like a maniac sprint inside grab my i d and drive like a mad idiot all the way back i m late but the visit time hasn t begun yet so i may be in luck i run to the prison doors and enter a very strange lady prison guard is standing by the metal detector and continues to have random abrupt fits of laughter i get through and head to the visitation room the woman in charge sees me and exclaims oh no you can t do visitation in that what are you talking about lady she responds don t you know our dress code nothing see through is allowed referring to my new blouse i wore to work see through it s just my arms i say it s my freaking brother for crying out loud she says it s not allowed but fortunately is feeling generous so she also mentions that there is a dollar store around the corner if i hurry i have minutes until visitation starts so i whip around power walk out to my car and remember that my husband s jacket is in the trunk i don t know if it will work but i throw it on and run back inside the aggressive laugher wiggles her finger at me and says jackets aren t allowed either eff now i have less than minutes to get to this stupid dollar store i run back to my car and pull out my phone to gps to wherever the hell it is i take off i m raging out in my car now yelling profanities angry at myself for not knowing the damn dress code trying not to murder pedestrians with my driving and fly into the dollar store parking lot there are a strange amount of people loitering having full pleasant looking conversations in the parking lot they all freeze and stare at this maniac that just screeched in i run into the store and find the clothing section i grab the first shirt i see run to checkout and there s a line when it s my turn i start to swipe my card and freeze i realize that this freaking shirt is see through too i ask the checkout lady to wait and run back to the clothing all the shirts are see though what the hell is this world coming to finally i see a crappy blue t shirt that seems solid enough grab a large and check out with the sweet little lady as she tries to make polite conversation she looks at my shirt squeals delightfully and exclaims well isn t this just the cutest shirt ev er is this what you do to people on the facebook that you don t want to be friends with anymore i realize then that the shirt says i wish i could ctrl alt del you in ridiculous glittery lettering dear god there s no time as politely as possible i snatch the shirt from her and run out the door i screech all the way back to prison rip off my nice blouse throw on this stupid shirt that s when i realize that i had grabbed a child s large it was stupidly tight and short making me look even more insane as i sprint past the giggle box to visitation with only 5 minutes left i made it the officers try not to smirk at my appearance finally i m able to see my brother via video chat yes it s video chat i get there just in time to pay for the 15 minutes i missed and add an additional 15 minutes totaling a 20 88 charge to visit my brother on a computer screen absolute robbery it also costs 10 44 just for one 15 minute phone call he looked happy to see me as i tried to focus and collect my thoughts after the clusterfuck that just occurred he asks me how i am and what i ve been doing and i reply something idiotic like well not too much it s been pretty boring and uneventful lately tell me about what s been going on with you yes i told my locked up brother potentially 45 years to life that i was bored with my freedom because i m an asshole he actually found it funny and pointed out the stupidity which i appreciated he then proceeded to tell me the most interesting prison stories he and his roommates have been making trash bag hooch with oranges sugar packets bread water and other stuff apparently the oranges bring the yeast out of the bread and when it ferments it tastes like total shit but lets them get crunk he also filled a trash bag with loads of water and uses it to work out with which i thought was very creative of him he s thinking of getting some prison tats and promised me he d make sure the needles are clean so that s nice most interestingly he told me that he s been doing a little dating a couple of floors above him is where the women stay he and his roommates have been communicating with them via toilet pipes yes toilet dating he said if you stand on the toilet and talk loudly into the pipes that you can have actual conversations with the ladies up there he said that you can actually write them as well how you ask well he said he wrote a little bio of himself put it in a plastic bag and flushed it in the toilet he refers to this process as sending a kite which i feel is a real missed opportunity why wouldn t you call it flying a kite he said if you hold the flusher that the message goes up a couple of floors and the girls pass it around until someone is interested in him then they begin their courtship sounds magical and yes my brother does have schizophrenia so this story may not be real but i d like to think that it is it seemed real when he was explaining it my husband suggested that maybe the pipes are full of water and when he puts the message in the plastic bag the air carries it upward to the women s floor who knows it s prison romance and too soon my visitation time runs out i m in my stupid ass too small shirt and do the walk of shame back out to my car feeling the eyes of many onlookers i had another engagement to attend after this visit so i take off my shirt to put my blouse back on and see that when i ripped it off i also ripped a huge hole in the delicate fabric so i decide to call it a day share the love share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on reddit opens in new window reddit email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr like loading posted in brother family humor mental illness tags prison schizophrenia permalink 32 comments 27 aug 2014 best blank in the world my husband and i visited my mother the other day at her apartment in the city it s small dingy and fairly empty inside it reeks of smoke we have a seat on the lone living room couch and are having ourselves some small talk then i see it up on the wall next to the t v there are three framed pink certificates quite ornate and very official looking i squint my eyes and look harder trying to read what they say i see the word lover panic a little and avert my eyes i continue my conversation with my mother while stealthily peaking back up at the center certificate and look away again in horror i glance at my husband yes he s staring right at it unable to turn away so i just go ahead and put it out there so uhh mom i see you have been awarded a very prestigious award i say heh she says best lover in the world i respond in the world wow what s the uh criteria for something like that eh oh she laughs embarrassed my girlfriend made me those yes the girlfriend she is referring to is the same one referenced in engaged against her will wow that is immmpressive best lover in the world to my husband i ask where s my certificate certainly i m the best in the world at something wink wink he responds with awkward laughter i ask my mom how is she these days your girlfriend how s that going i m guessing pretty well judging by the certificate she says oh you know the usual we break up we get back together fight break up get back together i call the cops on her and get her arrested say what i ask interrupting what was that last piece you said she proceeds to then tell me the story of the last time they had broken up her girlfriend was upset drunk and trying to get my mom to let her into the apartment my mother refused to let her in so her girlfriend banged on the doors and windows and yelled and cursed for hours until eventually busting one of her windows so my mom had her arrested but then she thought about it and decided that her girlfriend must really love her a lot to have spent all those hours banging and yelling at her door so they are back together now you know the usual relationship stuff later i think to myself best lover in the world good for her at least she has that because she definitely doesn t win the best mother in the world award ...