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legit trying to deal with some of the bs that 2019 brought my way september 2019 went for some hikes in the rain and realized how much more i need to do that because it heals my soul to be in this primordial deep green forest with just god and my thoughts the dog of my heart died after 15 years of being my constant companion and i didn t know how to exist without him for many many weeks after got a severe case of posterior tibal tendonitis and decided that i was going to do whatever i had to in order to pay the 9000 to try the only thing that might work to end my pain without surgery and further complications went to hawaii with my parents which was simultaneously so lovely and so so difficult it was so wonderful to see the kids swim and love the ocean feel deep excitement about seeing mickey and minnie and spend time with my parents away from my childhood home and it s baggage but seeing how my parents have physically aged and how limited they are in their ability to get around was heartbreaking seeing in action the way my mom treats angus differently from ansel and liam my nephew was unfuriating but also deeply hurtful continuing to mourn the lack of the family i ve never had felt exhausting to do in paradise fuck right the fuck off september i know i should be grateful for the vacation but it cost a little too much emotionally so 1 october 2019 i turned 38 mostly this is just a statement of fact because i feel kind of neutral about it started the process of getting my exosym which was exciting and terrifying but definitely fully on the road to amazing things with ansel started to level out behavior wise and we started seeing a lot of success and improvement october is in general the most beautiful month of the year this remained true in 2019 october i ll give you a 1 november 2019 got my exosym walked without pain for the first time in 5 years and then ran without pain and then did box jumps without pain did obstacle courses without pain magical things were like mostly ok and that felt like it was a huge accomplishment because things had felt mostly shitty for a long time 2 for the life changing magic of dynamic carbon fiber december 2019 we did a lot of fun holiday stuff particularly train related holiday things xmas tree train polar express were awesome ansel was sick for what felt like weeks but was probably just nope it was actualy 2 weeks with maybe the flu and then definitely a stomach virus they missed so much school and for a week we woke up each morning hoping to send them to school and then inevitably having to decide who would stay home or frantically text call people we knew who might be willing to hang with a sick kid angus also had some barfs though it didn t last i got a stomach virus and spent 24 hours in the toilet kingdom all of this happened during one of the busiest and least flexible periods of my work calendar because of ansel s autism and food based sensory stuff loss of appetite from the maybe flu and then barfing from the definitely stomach virus made them extremely anxious about eating and resulted in them well not eating for days at a time this led to severe stomach cramps and then leg cramps from dehydration which ultimately landed us in the er on xmas eve morning luckily it wasn t anything more serious and l s mom was in town to hang with angus the day after christmas l took our dog cletus the dog of her heart to the vet for a senior check up and to ask about weightloss and during the process of taking urine they discovered a mass the size of a softball in his abdomen the most likely case was a malignant tumor in the intestine which would be inoperable the second option was a tumor on his spleen which could in theory be removed but they couldn t know if it was the former or the latter until they were inside and anyway the vet wouldn t recommend surgery anyway due to his age and breed we made the very difficult but also very clear decision to put him down which means we lost two dogs in the space of 3 months and both l and i lost the dogs we loved the most probably because of the lack of consistent routine christmas excess sadness our normally feral children have been wilding beyond measure and we are both beyond tender and exhausted and struggling so fuck you too december 2 2019 gets 4 points total i don t know what the total possible score is because i sort of changed the rules as i went but i think my original thought was 1 point per month let s stick with that and call the couple of times a month got more than 1 extra credit 4 12 is definitely an f though so come on 2020 i m hoping for a year where things just stop sucking a little bit more november 8 2019 by andiepants runner s high uncategorized 4 comments yesterday i ran for 5 minutes going a very leisurely 4 5 mph but i ran i have not run since i finished my last 5k in march of 2014 i think and was riddled with pain in my ankle even when i have kind of needed to run like when my kids are swiftly moving down the hallway at the ymca and they turn the corner where the door to the outside is and all i can do is pray that my scream of red light red light has effectively stopped them because the stakes weren t high enough for my brain to cross the threshold into the pain i knew would come and stay when angus ran into the street in august the adrenilene was enough to get me across but with dire consequences but yesterday i ran and the week before i took four quick steps and leaped onto a box and for the last 8 days i have walked as quickly as the length of my legs once before allowed me i raced my children to their bedroom and i won there is no way to overstate just how incredible this is how immensely it has shifted my perspective on virtually everything when you are in chronic pain and you don t even feel able to walk the trash out to the alley that lens colors everything else when you are sure that pain and disability will continue to worsen indefinitely it s hard to not feel continually victimized by the rest of your life as well conversely right now things feel somewhat euphoric i mean the shit is still shit it s just a bit rosier tinted right now i imagine things will settle once i get over the wonder of walking foot over foot down stairs i ll probably still be in awe of my pain free abilities but that awe won t overshadow the other bullshit that exists in quite the same way until then i m rolling with it and i m bringing my family along with me i m also planning on going on a hike solo or with whoever will join me once a week because my soul needs it and now my body can do it the icing on this incredible cake is that about 4 days after i launched my gofundme to try and raise the money i needed an anonymous person from my life contacted me and offered to give me the full amount that i needed just write a check for 4500 as long as i kept their anonymity and returned the other money i d raised it was a totally unexpected and shockingly generous gift so now in addition to having a fully functional leg i am not in astronomical debt or begging my friends for their starbucks money of course there are things to adapt to as there are with any change my shoe collection is now useless i d grown accoustomed to having to find shoes that were comfortable for my issues and accommodated my already large feet but now i wear a 12 4e on the left that s huge and super wide if you don t know shoe sizing in the us and i really have to have neutral soles and sturdy materials so my options are limited i currently have a pair of black new balance running shoes a pair of what i would call dress sneakers they might also get labeled tied oxfords and a pair of hiking boots i spent 350 to get those and even though i really kind of need something dressier and black for more formal ish i live in washington state so formal is relative i can t quite swallow buying another pair of 100 shoes while i simultaneously give away my favorites rip sweet sweet blundstones so i ll be waiting until it s a necessary thing and if i have it on i have to wear shoes which maybe doesn t seem like a big deal but i m kind of a hobbit and if i m at home i kind of don t want to wear shoes so i ve been trying to balance wearing them for a while at home while i do the more active stuff and then taking them off when i m sort of done but i miss badly the feeling of coming home and taking my shoes off also i have to wear socks and i kind of hate socks not just socks either compression socks still worth it there s so much more to tell you all but this is the thing i am thinking about almost all the time right now tomorrow we have our xmas pictures excitement dread for me personally and ansel picked out a buffalo plaid dress to wear and it s just so amazing to watch them do gender and mostly not get any shit for it i pray it s always so and also that our families keep their shitty opinions to themselves when they get our xmas cards and here s a picture of angus on a pumpkin after he painted his own face on halloween cause why not october 25 2019 by andiepants coming soon bionic mama uncategorized leave a comment if you re a longtime reader you may remember that i have a long standing problem ankle you may even remember it if you re new since i mentioned it briefly in my last entry the tl dr is that i fucked my ankle up really badly when i was 21 and then kept reinjuring it until i could shift my foot an inch over from my foot as a fun trick at parties my handsome and very kind orthopedic surgeon in colorado took that from me but not intentionally left the arthritis and ongoing pain my only options are to wait until the pain is so bad that i opt for one of my very subpar surgical choices or pay out of pocket for a supposedly life changing orthotic brace over the last couple of months the pain in my ankle and foot has increased the poor gait caused by overcompensating and avoiding pain has resulted in tarsal tunnel kind of like carpel tunnel but in the foot plantar fasciatis and ongoing tendonitis in various places then at the end of september i had to step over the dog to get into the bathroom and in the process i managed to do something and ended up with excrutiating pain probably due to a strain or sprain or even rupture in my posterior tibial tendon things got so bad and were so unresponsive to my usual routine that i ended up going to my generally ineffectual ortho and ended up in a hard cast while vacationing in hawaii post coming soon so i made the decision to just do this other thing i don t feel like i actually have a choice my parents said they d help me pay for some and i applied for and got care credit to help me spread the cost out i m going to bite the bullet and pay for medical expenses the american way and set up a gofundme to help offset the cost as well the day after we got back from vacation i drove to gig harbor and got casted for my exosym brace a week later i put on the clunky fiberglass test device and took my first pain free steps in years the test device supposedly functions at 30 capacity of the actual thing and honestly i would have walked out of there with the test if they d let me a week from today i get the real thing the exosym is a orthotic prosthetic hybrid obviously you keep your limb so its not actually a prosthetic but it functions in a similar way offloading the force of stepping up into the top part of the device so that the device effectively becomes the ankle taking on the strain of walking running it doesn t require any surgery no recovery time though there is pt training to learn how to use it to it s full potential and it s not permanent unlike surgery i am so excited about getting this that i have been legit dreaming like at night of what life will be like i haven t been this excited about something in a long long time not vacation or holidays or a new car i genuinely believe this is going to change my life and honestly even if it s half as good as i am imagining it could be i ll be happy if you feel like you want to my gofundme i would be deeply grateful and i m working with everyone s favorite ginger queer infertility blogger molly to develop some cool thank you s in case you need an incentive and if you don t have but you want to cheer me on i ll absolutely love that as well thanks team onward to bionic life september 11 2019 by andiepants uncategorized 3 comments sometimes you don t realize how charmed your life has been or at least how generously mundane until you are wallowing in difficulty for so long i keep waiting for a sunbreak in the downpour or even a let up but it s been a slog for months now of course i ve had my share of challenges i grew up with an alcoholic addict and it s impossible not to inherit some trauma from that i also grew up fat in a world built for thinness and that too gave me a layer of sadness to contend with thanks to those things i was in a manipulative and abusive relationship and had to dig myself out of that both logistically and emotionally i also seem to be biologically predisposed to an anxiety best managed with ssris so difficulty is not foreign to me maybe it s just so far in my rear view that it only seems that way and of course in the grand scheme of tragedy mine is squarely in the first world problems camp though feelings don t play well with reasonable comparison all of this prelude boils down to this life still feels immensely difficult in general today right now it s not too bad partially this is just luck partially it is thanks to some concerted efforts on my part to get myself unstuck i am hopeful those efforts will manifest into a longer lasting impact but i can t say for sure as has been the case for months there is no single thing no trauma that is precipitating this there is just a mountain of small difficulties that loom precariously over my head and regularly land slide into me knocking me off my feet i am exhausted chronically so years of not sleeping through the night i think i can count on two hands the number of times i ve had uninterrupted sleep but also something else that a sleep doctor hasn t quite figured out yet i use a cpap despite having basically normal breathing numbers from a sleep test and i take a medication often used for narcolepsy as well but still i am just a single long blink away from falling asleep almost anytime my children are incredible and brilliant and funny and dear they are as well demanding and thankless prone to meltdowns deeply impatient enjoy throwing toys at each other and me and despite their impressive capability will still whine for us to do things for them that they have proven able to do ansel s asd amps a lot of this as well making the come down from any meltdown or tantrum take much longer or have more intense consequences thanks to exhaustion and the difficulties of raising children my marriage has devolved into part executive management team part sadness anger hurt resentment mud pit we are both aware of our failings here and on monday laurie se...