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rtoise poetry the page to come and visit for a fabulously sensible intake of poetry straight from the divinest of inspiration and it s only a bit tortoisy a cracking good read if you re under anaesthetic lord elpus the guardian saturday december 24 merry costumes of a bathing nature hello my little 1st editions of something exciting i am dreading the arrival of my sister aunt bench and her strange and rather calamitous daughter folly the last time folly stayed she played with some cotton reels and powerful explosives in the garden and blew her own feet off you see why i am vexed aunt bench is no better still single she is frustrated at the lack of communication from a certain member of the toad sexing society she is moping about with a face like a dropped pie i am humbug personified so i decided to descend down the track in my new abode to the temple where there is some sort of local event going on a swimming event who knew in the rolling beautiful hills of gloucestershire there was so much myth and magic apparently the custom in clapton st mandrill is that on christmas eve every eligible belle in the village dons a dreadful brown knitted swimming costume and endeavours to dive into the lake and fish out another contestants husband who is tethered to the lake bed each have a card with a number that correlates to the man underwater the curiosity is this competition is madly popular with women who ve struggled to get a divorce and all the contestants seem to get on so well they can t be very good at what they do as no men were retrieved until that is by a coroner a few hours later it is said by locals that the women divers are witches and spend time spitting brandy into fires and throwing coffee mate into the flames for that magical puff effect i must find out where they drink this is the photo of lord admiral butt mccracken telling the authorities to keep away for their own safety the power of these women was so strong that one man 50 miles away suffered a fit sudden onset laughing death another just cacked himself one decided to exit his car on the m5 and lie down he is now entirely flat the moral of this story is clear never ever fuck with a woman in a brown knitted bathing costume it may cost you your life or your bits and bobs right my cherry pips i m off to feed the bats and tuck the toads into bed enjoy christmas don t drink too much nettle wine and go careful on the wattle yeast scratched with a crow claw by mad aunt bernard by the sundial hour of 10 42 pm 6 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest sunday december 18 motor cars grey hairs and geese good evening readers of the local events in trebollocks it s been an interesting time i ve been absent for a long sabbatical to follow my passion for healing the sick i am now gleeful to announce that i am a fully qualified leech putter onner and taker offer the healing properties of leeches have long fascinated me since i fell in a ditch with a case of cow pox and came out with a case of whiskey i am now leech master with suck marks however all has not been shiny as you know i live in a hedge with meagre possessions a bloody modern motor car flew through the shrubbery on a sunday evening just as i was dishing up nettled toad i have to had to move out into a rented abode for the duration of the works since there is no estate agent criteria for a single warted woman with toads bats a plethora of woodlice and a small buggered hedgehog named clive i put my magic to work and asked the great bearded goddess of the covered chin to come to my aid she came up trumps i am now residing in a mansion and i have geese geese geese you don t need police gobby long necks and beaks and no peace web footed gobshites with beadiest eyes patrolling the courtyards in farmyard guise geese geese will the noise ever cease in a word no so there s my poem but on a lighter note the woman at the local w i who didn t like my version of hedgerow bakewell tart bitch may she be wrapped in custard has fallen from a height of 50ft while putting the fairy on the village tree the christmas switch on has never drawn such a crowd after i must leave you now aunt bench has been on the yoghurt pot phone she s fallen out with aunt girda after a particularly agressive gin fuelled game of snap so that means i have folly staying with me for christmas lord help me toodle pip scratched with a crow claw by mad aunt bernard by the sundial hour of 11 05 pm 3 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest thursday february 28 new on the family tree great aunt cloaca dear all i do hope this winter weather is in keeping with your idea of a fresh outlook each day and a lack of toes splendid i have some exciting news captain pilchard has been tracing the family tree and he s come up with two new people great aunt cloaca and great uncle chigger it all came about as cp was crime fighting near the public records office and decided to take a tea break in there at first it didn t go well walking up to the first woman he saw he said put the kettle on bitch and get me an egg banjo she wasn t pleased but seemed to calm down after he slapped her a few times anyway while rummaging through a few files he found the direct line of the trebollocks family which unfortunately ends with poor folly who is as mad as a shit house rat but nevertheless the family mystery of uncle colobus parentage is now solved his mother gave him up for adoption on the discovery that he had three buttocks and she and her husband sailed away to ecclefechan on a slack tide her name was cloaca and the man she married was called chigger neither of them were pretty although in a femininity contest i still think he had the slight edge on her somehow they met at a tortoise lovers anonymous gathering in east grundy it was all very clandestine which was part of the appeal no one knew where the meetings were held as the tortoise obsession back then came with a heavy prison sentence but on the paperwork it said 2a flange street lumpton east grundy apparently they still meet there the romance was slow to get going but once together they quickly married they had to she became trapped in his beard and couldn t afford the medical bill to be removed he simply trimmed around her for a while until she fell out by which time he d become quite attached to her a year later she was expecting and not very happy the imminent arrival of a sprog meant she d have to give up the one man band outfit that supported them both through hard times the bells weren t good for swollen ankles so great uncle chigger was left to do the honourable thing he thought of the quickest way to earn a fast penny and did it at the very moment he was thinking this a man went past him on his left with a case full of money and on his right an old smelly lady with a large haddock he seized the haddock thwacked the old lady he didn t want her interfering with his plans then turned on the man with the money and socked him one around the mush it seems it wasn t his day the money in the case wasn t real neither was the haddock he d wandered onto an early victorian set of the bill a policeman arrested him and read him his rights the old lady hit him with the haddock and the man with the suitcase hid in it nothing happened as great uncle chigger realised that the policeman was an actor and not the real fuzz so he gave him a flat bugle and buggered off sharpish that was the last that was seen of him as for great aunt cloaca the birth was traumatic as she was missing her hairy husband it wasn t helped by the fact that next door there was a military enthusiast who set off canons by the hour one of which penetrated the wall to her bedroom at that moment the baby shot out hitting the mirror on the dressing table and skidding off it was this impact that caused the condition that led to his adoption the third buttock great aunt cloaca couldn t have a child with a weird arse so she left to look for great uncle chigger according to eyewitnesses she found him in leeds posing as a man on the run from the fake police they boarded the first steamer to ecclefechan and lived a life of luxury while poor colobus was left to cope with this three buttocks with only the help of the home for orphaned weird nut nut clubfoots and deviants naturally situated in temple cloud so there you have it another family mystery solved his next mission is to try and discover why aunt mary jaffa is terrified of satsumas what s lurking in her past until next time my little swim bladders bye and that scratched with a crow claw by mad aunt bernard by the sundial hour of 11 13 pm 4 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest saturday january 26 banish anger hormonal imbalance with archery now this week has been interesting visiting the college we ve had a team of archers who are demonstrating the use of a bow and arrow in anger management thankfully the college paid to have them accommodated as there isn t enough room in my hedge for them all and i ve only just buried the magician so i didn t want to tempt fate i don t have space for any other problematic folk and so it came that the arrow loosing ladies in support of menopause and hysteria arrived to help us all with anger some of the women were rather hoity toity but most of them had beards so i fitted in nicely the aunts decided to make a family day of it much to my dismay aunt mary jaffa the one terrified of satsumas turned up with aunt bench who d had another traumatic week apparently folly had decided to make a scale version of a ww2 canon and set it off in the garden it flattened two of next doors geese aunt vom also managed to wangle her way into the group although they discouraged her from using the throwing stars and made her leave her mace in the motor car we set to practice in a large field and learned some basic skills for the first half hour aunt mary jaffa became rather scared and ran into a victorian outbuilding to hide she then realised it was an orangery at which point she cacked herself the picture above shows her being coaxed out of some shrubbery in a village three miles away i shot the target which i was thrilled with and aunt vom shot a welshman in the thigh mr gwilym jones shown below after physio it angered her as she d not got time to get used to the bow properly but after another session she scored a bullseye sadly mr ioan llewellyn died the arrival of the police however meant she missed the second half of the day one odd thing was an instructor called professor incubus fletch we didn t take to him at all his methods of instructing ladies in archery left a great deal to be desired he seemed to have a fetish for armpits and decided the best way to learn was to cup the armpits of the student while taking aim the fact that he had ladies clothing on was also a worry he offered to tell us his life story but luckily the young lady in the picture below chinned him before he started speaking he began to come round after a few minutes so i gave him a thwack with a plank of wood just to make sure chinnings arrests assault and deaths aside it was a really lovely day the best thing was none of us were harbouring any anger by the time we had buns and tea aunt vom during her single phone call told me since the incident with the welshmen her pmt hadn t bothered her a jot and she sounded in high spirits i was feeling calmer than i had done in months no amount of shrieking had such a soothing effect as archery aunt bench said her frustrations with folly were calmed after the groundsman asked her to stop singing so loudly it appears aunt vom had passed the throwing stars to her when no one was looking we ve now nicknamed the groundsman spike i can safely say that archery soothes the soul and banishes anger never before have a group of hormonally challenged ladies been out for the day and known such peace and ultimate fulfilment the only problem is where to get the supply of targets for next time i might be writing invites for the traffic wardens social club scratched with a crow claw by mad aunt bernard by the sundial hour of 9 06 pm 3 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest friday january 25 the great grundomanci s visit wintry greetings my little sockettes i had the great pleasure of some of you getting in touch via facebook to ask where i ve been i was very touched to the point where my triple chin wobbled considerably well it s been a busy month for me since yuletide i ve bailed aunt vom out of prison twice following an incident with a sharp garden cane and a man asking 4 for a kilo of bird food and an acupuncturist i don t know what the problem there was and didn t ask then just as i had the toads settled and the snow cloth over my hedge the royal weasel phoned and said they had a visiting magician staying and were full up knowing my excellent home comforts they wanted to know if i d put him up for a week or so i spoke with his agent and informed him politely that if he tried sawing me in half i d give him a flat bugle and that was understood so the great grundomanci came he flapped in with a massive cloak which upset the toads and spiders but apart from that seemed quite amiable the worrying thing was he had my room which meant i slept in a box i d found in the outer hedge it was very pretty with stars on it so imagine my dismay when only my bottom half got up to make him porridge in the morning then things went from bad to worse aunt vom came to stay after a load of hooky kitchen stuff was found in her garage and she took a dislike to all things magical this is the result funny things magicians you have to be on guard they have such funny habits to spot them all is hard no deck of cards was safe they find what you have chosen then turn a set of tuning forks into finest laderhosen aunt vom was well pissed off he took her blunderbuss he poked in a tight held hand and produced an outsize truss the neighbours we not pleased also he borrowed two white geese when they returned much later they were wilderbeest he did some tricks with moody coins my head he tried to sever he hypnotised dear folly and i fear now she is clever he cured aunt mary jaffa of her phobia of satsumas but she s woken up today with warts and an affinity with pumas so aunt vom is back in the nick in two different cells she upset the magician so he cut her in half as well but the toads and i are fine and my hedge is now snow free and to boot my chinnigan hair is thick as thick can be i feel much more attractive and went to sieze the day he is so bloody handsome but he failed to think my way was it my straw extensions or stubbly cheeks and brow or could it be the necklace i wear of excrement of cow you may turn cloth to fire but you ve done it daddio which is why i have your cards and tricks cos you re under my patio mwahahahaha seriously the warning that comes with this is never bury a magi...