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but we bore easily and need new outrages to motivate us to get up and tweet in the morning so that s on us not that i personally take responsibility the we was figurative you know this is actually someone else s problem if it s the middle of july it must be middle aged angst july 18 2018 in general angst i m not content whiny housewives 2 comments i was going to take my laptop somewhere tonight but first i wanted to check if i had enough battery to leave my power cord at home so i opened it up but my battery icon was missing that s weird after several deft and totally educated maneuvers i figured out how to change my settings so that my battery icon would be displayed turned out it was already set to display but the icon itself was just invisible i guess at this point i just restarted the computer which is what i should have done in the first place because once i did that everything was normal again and no i did not have enough battery to leave my power cord at home but that s neither here nor there the point of this story is that i ve spent an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out why i would ever want to change my settings so my battery icon would not display i mean i have racked my brain and i simply can t think of a scenario in which i would not want to know how much battery i had left i can t think of any circumstances under which i d consider this information annoying or intrusive i probably just don t have a very good imagination with my last laptop i was always accidentally coming across keyboard shortcuts to do things that i didn t want to do not just things i didn t want to do at that moment but things that i didn t want to do ever and i couldn t imagine why anyone else would ever want to do them either i was also forever triggering something called sticky keys a term i only know because when i did this a notification window would pop up and say you ve just turned on sticky keys did you mean to do that and i would always say no because what even are sticky keys when in doubt politely refuse that s my motto but i always appreciated that the computer asked me if i really wanted sticky keys and gave me the opportunity to change my mind unfortunately that was the only thing it ever asked me about i never got a notification saying you ve just turned off your keyboard did you really want to do that or you ve just given your shift key an entirely different function is this really the way you want to go no it just assumed in those cases that i knew what i was doing which just makes me all the more curious what sticky keys is i mean it must be some kind of nuclear option if it s going to trigger a warning and everything but actually i m not curious enough to look it up just talking about my experience with the battery icon has gotten all of this out of my system why did i want my laptop in the first place i was just thinking that my life seems very empty these days not empty as in nothing to do i have plenty of things to do i could clean out my filing cabinet i could clean out my kitchen pantry i could clean out the fridge i could replace my front right turn signal lamp which has been out for the last four weeks or so i mean i could look up on the internet how to replace my front right turn signal lamp and then do it that should occupy a morning or afternoon i m not mechanically inclined there are always plenty of chores to be done but nothing i really have to do i mean technically i suppose i really have to replace that front right turn signal except how much do i really need to signal to the people in front of me that i m turning right is the information all that necessary from my observation most people don t bother to signal any which way or their turn signal lamps have burned out and they re procrastinating learning how to replace them i ve become a lot more forgiving of other drivers lately no by empty i mean devoid of meaningful satisfying occupation okay i really should replace the front right turn signal lamp and i will but after that what next last month i spent about a week doing things like decluttering and organizing and i was glad afterward that i had done these things but the thought of doing that sort of thing all the time is very depressing i mean the reason i was glad i had done these things was that it meant i wouldn t have to do them again for a while in theory i mean in practice i could spend all day every day doing some sort of cleaning and organizing but after about two weeks of that crap i would probably rather be dead that s really dramatic but it s like the time i gave up carbs technically my life was still worth living it just didn t feel like it was i m trying to come to terms with the fact that i lack the skills to contribute meaningfully to society i ve always been a crappy housekeeper because i hate housekeeping my kids used to be my excuse for my crappy housekeeping i mean in a way they still are it used to be that they were so young and needy but now it s that they re lazy and shiftless and why should i one person be responsible for managing six people s possessions i mean don t i have better things to do well actually no i don t i don t have an active social life i m not gainfully employed i don t do volunteer work if i managed my time better i probably could manage everyone s possessions i guess i mean i could at least try it s just such an overwhelming task and so stressful i m not a person who thrives on stress my husband thrives on stress he probably doesn t think he thrives on stress perhaps technically he s possibly digging himself an early grave with all of his stress but he manages to be very productive and i ve never seen him curl into the fetal position and cry himself to sleep because he d run out of real estate for the household shoe inventory so it looks a lot like thriving to me maybe he s just a morning person also his turn signal lamps never go out i don t know what it is if i just turn right more than he does or minivan turn signals are just made of inferior quality i don t know but he literally never has to replace them it s like the universe knows he doesn t have time for such nonsense he s got a demanding job and church responsibilities and he s earned fully operational turn signals but this isn t about my husband it s about me last month when i was decluttering and organizing like a madwoman or really more like a responsible human being i only managed because school was out my husband was out of town and i was feeding the kids restaurant food almost every night i can only attack those really big jobs if i know i m going to have plenty of uninterrupted time i have to keep going because if i stop i will never start again it s the way i m wired when i have to climb a steep hill or a long staircase i like to do it as quickly as possible without stopping so i don t notice that i m out of shape and every step is bringing me closer to a painful death i don t want to use this as a metaphor but i will if i have to if i m going to clean out my filing cabinet something i ve been needing to do for probably ten years conservative estimate i want to do it in one sitting as long as i m working continuously i can pretend that i m almost done if i take a break and come back later my fresh eyes will see that i m actually nowhere near done and i will have an existential crisis which is very bad for productivity i used to imagine that i could excuse my crappy housekeeping by doing more important things taking care of the kids was arguably more important than housekeeping i mean people always say that i m not entirely convinced it s true at any rate i failed a little bit at raising them properly because none of them is any better at housekeeping than i am in fact they re all much much worse to be honest part of it must be genetic but i m sure i could have taught them a little better i don t know for the past 20 years what i ve wanted more than anything is a little peace and quiet i would have done just about anything for peace and quiet and i guess that s how i ended up with kids who roll around screaming in agony if you ask them to do the dishes so fine i failed at both housekeeping and children but until the last year or so i still entertained thoughts that i would return to meaningful work once the kids were grown i m coming to the realization that that s not going to happen either i ve been out of the work force for 20 years i have literally no qualifications for anything i m sure i could get a job at target or mcdonald s which would be fine if i needed the money but as of now i don t need the money and i can t say that working at target or mcdonald s would be that much more edifying than cleaning out my closets and managing my family s extensive shoe collection so right now it really makes more sense to re dedicate myself to housekeeping i just hate it so much i hate it so much would i enjoy working at target more maybe i would i don t know i ve never worked at target i would probably rather work at target than mcdonald s mcdonald s seems very stressful to me plus if there s anything i hate more than housekeeping it s cooking so yeah target target will be fine i guess once the kids are gone and i m no longer managing their possessions day to day i can work at target to earn money to pay someone to clean my house for me it s just not the life i planned for myself this is firstworldproblems for sure i kind of hate myself for going there i m just very very disappointed in myself i had so much potential and i just wasted it well who knows what i could have done if i d never taken a 20 year hiatus to raise kids poorly i might have done nothing at all i might have lost my job at some point and been unable to find a new one until i finally decided screw it i ll just work at target it s not like target is a bad place to work i mean it s not anything i m especially suited for temperamentally or otherwise but it s a non toxic environment for ordinary humans of which i am one that s really what i m coming to terms with i spent so many years thinking that i was something other than ordinary and i couldn t possibly have been more wrong have you ever read that henry james story the beast in the jungle the main character spends years trying to figure out the great thing he s meant to do in life and spoiler alert he just ends up wasting his whole life i read it in college and i thought wow this is really powerful and sad i didn t know yet that i was reading the story of my own life it shouldn t be so easy to go this wrong but it is as the daughter of a father of a daughter i m okay with men talking about their daughters november 10 2017 in current events deep thoughts it s an outrage ladies and gents 2 comments with all of the recent media reports about powerful dirtbag men assaulting and harassing women and all of the outrage over it a common criticism is that men only think of women as appendages to men not as whole persons in their own right so when a man says as a father of a daughter i m appalled at dirtbag x s behavior he is not being woke as it were to injustice toward women he only cares about women if they remind him of his daughter or his wife or his sister or his mother he doesn t view women as truly human as men i understand why this formulation if woman x were my daughter sister etc i as a man wouldn t want someone to treat her that way therefore treating women that way is wrong bothers some people men often use the women in their lives to prove a point about women in general not acknowledging that their daughters wives whoever are individuals and don t necessarily represent women in general i see this a lot in mormonism my wife is a very strong woman and she doesn t want the priesthood but the problem isn t men thinking of the women in their lives who are personally important to them and concluding that women in general deserve respect but men thinking of the women in their lives as the exception my women are important other women are not i get why it troubles people men thinking in terms of their women versus other men s women even if the conclusion is that all women should be treated with respect women are persons in their own right and should be treated with the respect due to any human regardless of any men they might be related to but i m not convinced that all men who reference their daughters wives etc really think in terms of my women their women not when their conclusion is that all women deserve respect if all that mattered were the woman s relationship with some man the degree to which she deserved respect would depend a great deal on how much deference that man required but i believe most men who think of their daughters when pondering the treatment of women in general actually are relating to their daughters as people not some form of their property imagine donald trump saying as the father of a daughter i m outraged he wouldn t his own daughter is the exception he has said he d date his daughter if she weren t his daughter and i think we can safely take date as a euphemism she s a person to him only because she s his she s not a reminder to him that women are people maybe it s not as morally evolved to have to think of one s daughters and wives before thinking of women in general as people but it s much better to have men who bother taking this extra step my daughter is a person and she s a woman therefore women are people than men who never get to the place where they can empathize with women at all and i m not convinced that it is less evolved our relationships are a huge part of our humanity it s not just men who find their personal relationships helpful for increasing their empathy generally as a woman having sons has definitely helped me relate better to men and have more empathy for men in general it s not that women who don t have sons can t have empathy for men but for me this helped i don t think that makes me morally inferior i think it means i ve evolved as an individual as i said to a friend when the subject is abuse or discrimination against the disabled i sometimes reference my children with autism i don t do it because my autistic children aren t persons in their own right it s only to express why this issue is personal for me it s not that i wouldn t be outraged by such stories if i didn t have a personal connection i mean i know i was outraged by child abuse before i had children the point of mentioning my children is not to appeal to my own authority as a parent just to express a personal stake in the story we all have relationships of some kind and unless we re sociopaths our relationships are important to us so while referencing one s father of daughter hood can be problematic in some cases it is not inherently problematic what matters is the conclusions one draws from that experience sunday was national love your red hair day november 8 2017 in paint on an old barn leave a comment most people are surprised to learn 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