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deal out of this 2 people are tired of hearing it 3 my talking about it was making someone uncomfortable to that i have lots of choice words but it boils down to this people don t understand what they re not educated about i will not be quiet about it or share only in private groups because my sharing helps others open up about their own struggles my mentioning diagnoses or treatments or alternatives may help someone else to 1 not feel alone 2 get adequate care 3 have a baby of their own 4 know how to support someone in their life who is struggling with infertility so basically i don t plan to ever be quiet about it i have two children one through fertility treatment and one through adoption i ve lost two babies suffered an adoption scam found a diagnosis that many res don t believe in treated it and had a baby then tried again and failed 3 times and finally adopted through a very long hard emotionally draining process i believe god has allowed these things in my life because he can and will use them i hope he helps people not give up to look for answers to try new things to seek support and to share their struggles when they hear my story helping others through this gives the lives of my first two children who died in my womb meaning it is part of my healing in the end the truth is i am still infertile my dream was always to have 3 children my husband s was to have 5 so we had compromised on 4 infertility seems to be determining my family instead of our dreams and our hearts and our deep capacity for love we are still infertile and we still feel like our family isn t complete that doesn t mean we are not grateful it does not mean we don t know what miracles our two children are because when you know everything it takes to have a healthy baby you are well aware of what a miracle every single baby truly is here on earth it doesn t mean i m not happy or satisfied with the children i have believe me these two are the absolute light of my every day i find myself thanking him for them multiple times per day every single day i had one of my if friends say she was trying for another baby and she felt greedy or ungrateful i find that sad and unfair would she feel greedy if she were able to get pregnant easily likely not she would just try again and be thrilled when she got a positive test personally i won t rest until infertility is no longer taboo until those of us who have a hard time and want more kids don t feel guilty until no one tells you that it s better discussed in a private group until insurance covers treatment because a medical diagnosis isn t optional and until i feel like everyone i come across who suffers from infertility knows that they have love and support somewhere it should be noted that treatment for infertility even with a known medical diagnosis is not covered by the insurance that we are required by law to carry however this insurance does cover the morning after pill and viagra someone explain how neither of those are optional if you or someone you know is struggling to have a baby if you ve experienced loss if you need support please contact me and i ll help you find resources if you want to join a fb support group of women in your position contact me i would love to add you to our group iam1in8 niaw2017 infertilityawareness listenup deni posted by deni at 5 59 pm no comments tuesday march 21 2017 thankful for poop on the floor i m a fairly happy person and tend to be very optimistic when in the depths of our infertility struggle though i was dark life felt dark and lonely and crushing it felt like a place you may never recover from those feelings can be brought back up for me and while some might think it a curse and something to move on from i find it to be a blessing it s impossible not to empathize with someone in pain when you can feel those feelings my prayer in my losses was and is always for god to bring good from it for me to find the beauty through the suffering this morning i cleaned poop off the floor that did not in fact come from my dogs yep that means a tiny little human took off his diaper and pooped in the corner we won t even discuss what this means for his refusal to wear big boy underwear lately while doing this i thought about the years i cried on my bathroom floor begging for the things that made other people insane i thought about a friend who is experiencing her third loss and my heart hurt for her deeper than words can say i m certainly not this enlightened always but this morning as i scrubbed up poop i thanked god for giving me a crazy wild stubborn hilarious and devastatingly cute boy to poop on the floor that ache that can devour you when you re in the trenches of dreaming for a child returned briefly to remind me how very blessed i am to live this life to be mommy to these two amazing kiddos i also now understand that crazy making that kids bring with them and some days it wins but overall my gratitude is much much much greater please know if you re drowning in the sorrow of infertility that god can and will make something beautiful from it in time also know that your feelings are valid normal and real no matter how ugly how dark how sad or how terrible they seem feel them live them and find someone you can share them with that won t judge or try to fix it if you don t have anyone contact me i ll be happy to support you pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly and if left unresolved you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place wm paul young posted by deni at 7 49 am no comments sunday february 5 2017 my kids hate pants really my son hates clothes in general and would prefer to be naked at all times strangely enough when he is getting dressed he s quite opinionated about what he s wearing my daughter started that early on and sometimes we have fights about it though usually i just let her wear whatever or convince her something might be better with a son i wasn t prepared for such an opinion on clothes so early this kid he keeps me on my toes y all this weekend we were struck by a stomach bug which was super crappy because it made us miss a birthday party that we were all looking forward too but it did allow for the kids to remain mostly in no pants for the weekend sometimes you need a good no pants or at least no dress code required weekend to just not leave the house at all it would ve been much more fun without the sickness that caused it though both kids seem to be on the mend and i finally ate something and didn t feel sick afterwards so here s hoping this week starts off on the right foot what it has given me is a great amount of time for browsing pinterest so meals are planned for the week as are some pretty fun movie nights for the family in the near future have any great movie night traditions you like please share deni posted by deni at 7 07 pm no comments tuesday january 24 2017 finalization gratitude it s really hard to put into words what our adoption finalization felt like but foxy seemed to nail it when he said i feel like i just ran a marathon and i m exhausted we each literally felt like we lost hundreds of pounds that day wish at least a few would ve actually fallen off we felt light elated and relieved the most magnanimous part of that day was the fact that so many people showed up to celebrate this event these weren t a bunch of stay at home mom s who could drop things and be there i hear the collective eye roll from the sahms and know i m being totally facetious these friends and family took hours or the day off work got sitters for kids and rearranged their lives that day because they knew how important it was to us photos from that day will always remind me of how much love and support we have had throughout this entire process thank you leah rea for the pictures also very special to us that day was our attorney asking our pastor to pray after the papers were signed and before we left that courtroom i didn t cry that day but my eyes are brimming with tears now as i remember how beautiful that was to start a fresh page in our family so more than i can put into words thank you to everyone who stood by us tolerated me and loved our son fiercely through this two year journey i would not have survived without those of you who let me vent cry and laugh when i needed it most blessed seems too small of a word to cover how we feel thank you i know not everyone could be there and i have zero zero hard feelings for anyone that couldn t be there it is highly possible i forgot to inform people and for that i apologize posted by deni at 1 18 pm no comments saturday january 21 2017 children are off limits this election cycle has been shameful in many ways it was ugly and unkind on all fronts no one was innocent and i don t even care to debate who said what or anything else what i do want to address is the digs that have been made at children not only in this election cycle but always the first children always end up being targeted and i ve never thought it kind but i didn t have kids until the obama girls were in the white house that changes things for me to understand what a parent would feel when their child is targeted i didn t see a lot said about the girls the one thing i remember was something about them twerking and accusing them of smoking weed i can t even remember if it was both or one of them what i do remember thinking was no one would be paying a bit of attention if they weren t the president s kids and i personally didn t share it or get involved i have seen way too many things said about barron trump and i have always believed kids should be left out sasha and malia barron chelsea none of these kids had any say in what their parents chose as careers nor things that have come out of their mouths and every single one of them has said things that are shameful that does not give anyone the right to free reign on innocent children how far have we sunk as a society when our humor is found in starting rumors about children and making fun of them for their skin their clothing their hair their demeanor seriously how many of us would handle ourselves better in the situation i m a chatty cathy when i m uncomfortable and i also laugh inappropriately which i ve seen none of these kids do they ve all handled this better than i would assume i could and certainly would have at their age i thank the lord daily that social media didn t spike until i was out of college things most of us and our parents and older generations experienced in the privacy of our small circle of friends is getting blasted all over social media and we don t even see how wrong that is here is the bottom line children are off limits stop bullying stop bullying one another stop bullying period we all tend to get a lot of courage behind a screen where no one can touch us or see our faces let s show decency even when it s not required and heaven help me if anyone comes after my kids i wouldn t have the grace these parents have demonstrated posted by deni at 8 14 pm no comments thursday january 12 2017 tbt i feel like i have tears to cry post originally written in 2014 but none of them are falling my heart feels both broken and alive at once you see when you lose babies your life never feels exactly complete without them with you for they ve taken a piece of you with them literally your blood your oxygen your dna and it s a void then there s the beauty of life after that which in some cases is blessed with a child or children there s a fullness there that could honestly make your heart burst right out of your chest a love so deep so wide so strong and so beautiful that you wonder if you ever really saw a rainbow before them the catch twenty two to this is it is almost as if you would never have seen that rainbow so bright without the storm that proceeded it in having my baby that lives with me day in and day out i find that it makes me miss what was before makes me wonder makes me wax nostalgic making my heart skip a beat at times when there is a child the same age that mine would be getting to see the beauty in the magnificent face i see every day makes me wish there was more sometimes it is about the more before her and sometimes it is about the possibility of more after her so we stand here in this chasm of complete joy because she is joy personified and complete emptiness of what could be what should be what would have been as we stand all we continue to hear is wait i have never been known for my overwhelming patience and when all you can feel is wait that s hard to swallow and hold onto that s the thing about faith though it often says wait and sometimes we mistake that or ignore that and bring more grief upon ourselves than god ever intended or than we were ever meant to bear that being being said i sit tonight and i wait and in the same stillness the same holding pattern i live my life without abandon in regards to the love i lavish on my child and my heart feels amazingly full how strange a thing to feel empty and full simultaneously how hard it is for a mother s love to be split between the seen and the unseen how strange a world we live in where some people know exactly how this feels and some might think me mad makes me want to write a country song or maybe that was the binge watching of nashville that i just finished posted by deni at 5 00 pm no comments wednesday january 11 2017 my feelings on adoption and anxiety perhaps this should be written at a later date but i think i will capitalize on the fact that it s still so fresh i think that adoption is beautiful i believe it to be an amazing gift to both the child and the families involved many people enter into it without being fully aware of all of the ramifications believing that it will be magical years ago i became friends with rachael through this very blog and i remember telling her that adoption was not for the faint of heart she s reminded me of that a few times considering she s done it 3 times now seriously amazing and the process has been rough on her each time why some people have an easy perfect process and why some are a muttle of clustered dog poop is beyond me but that s the facts y all the adoption process can be so hard and so ugly my son is the most magical little boy on the planet don t ask me just ask his mdo teachers he is seriously amazing and worth every tear every night of lost sleep every ounce of anxiety the problem is the laws governing adoption and the crap that is allowed that doesn t focus on the well being of the child i m not in support the old school practice of taking a baby before the mother has ever seen it and treating her like a pariah but the converse is what we are finding in modern adoption at times adoptive families are looked upon like predators who want to steal babies from poor sad mothers who are struggling neither is the case and neither is right yes i am aware that some mothers have actually had children stolen from...