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know someday my attitude could affect autumn and i have to keep trying to fix myself for her most of all so how do you will yourself forward when you are stuck in a rut blog reach out to one of us see a doc get meds go fishing do whatever you have to do i suppose to keep moving forward i feel better when i blog time doesn t allow much of it but i m trying tell me what you do to feel better i love to hear suggestions thinking of you all sending much love back to you for your support and unconditional love xxxooo nan posted by nan mike at 8 00 am 6 comments tuesday november 8 2011 twisted its official my train of thought definitely has to be re trained while working with my therapist she finally said to me that the things i say are self sabotaging and that i twist good things into bad things i automatically think things are going to fail even if they don t that s a lot of what i ve been doing these past 2 plus years assuming the worst and reliving the past it was a big realization to make one that i ve told myself i need to work on and make things better if not for me then for my family on earth i need to try and stop being so bitter about all of the circumstances beyond my control that have happened how do you do that though i will let you know if i figure it out sad i never was like this ever posted by nan mike at 12 48 pm 8 comments wednesday october 19 2011 styx stickers bubba bubbahead my sweet kitty of 15 and a half long loyal years passed away last night of old age he has always been such a comfort to me through all of the good and bad times in my life especially laying with me for days on end against my belly when i lost my baby girls and felt like a hollow shell inside i didn t think i d be a blubbery mess like i am as these past few days it was expected and i just felt numb i had a huge attachment to him and he was a good little fur baby and i will never forget him and miss him forever hopefully he s gone on to play with my babies in heaven we will bury him close to the babies garden today love you snuggle buddy thanks for the wonderful memories may 15 1996 to october 18 2011 posted by nan mike at 8 00 am 4 comments labels styx monday october 17 2011 wave of light 2011 remembrance photos click here for more photos was thinking of everyone xxxooo posted by nan mike at 8 00 am 5 comments friday october 14 2011 thoughts of tomorrow they feel heavier should they be lighter we all know there isn t a book to follow i read an article that said losing a child ren is a life sentence how very true this feels to me right now i just needed to get this out in a short manner as time doesn t allow much for blogging these days but the pressure cooker feels like it s about to burst again i know once i get to 7pm tomorrow i will feel lighter even though we are all united in spirit all the time it just feels nice to have that specific time that dedication to possibly looking at the same bright star in the sky together it reminds me of fievel the mouse from an american tail movie and that darn sappy song that gets me every time insert tears here love nan xoxoxo posted by nan mike at 8 00 am 4 comments tuesday september 6 2011 two and a half years i ve been holding my breath for a few weeks and now i know why thankfully i have a therapy appointment tonight to help me work through this a little more if you ve never gone i really suggest going one time just to see what it s like and if it s for you i don t know where i would be without it literally thats all i can really say for now love to you in the clouds my sweet baby girls xoxoxo posted by nan mike at 8 00 am 6 comments saturday july 9 2011 i forgot this month was the first month in 2 years 4 months that i missed acknowledging the 6th of every month to a normal person that may seem well normal but to me it just feels like i failed a bit but i don t feel raw i don t feel cut i just feel sad about it and needed to go to the place that understands it here strangely enough on that day i was pulling weeds in the babies garden and tidying it up with some pruning shears and it just hadn t crossed my mind so i guess in my own way my girls are incorporated in daily life without having to have that date attached to them all the time maybe when you get to a certain part of this roller coaster ride it all starts to blend together hopefully all in a good way i miss them so much and am grateful for people in my life that allow me to be who i need to be and also for people who look for things in 3 s for me love nan xoxoxo if you want to see garden progress this year its wonderful click here posted by nan mike at 10 50 pm 4 comments sunday march 6 2011 happy 2nd birthday sweet girls hi beautiful babies of ours we have been thinking of you constantly and trying to stay focused on hoping you are playing in clouds with your family and angel friends thank you for showing us what true love is and for all of the blessings we try to live for everyday thank you also for the three ships three seagulls three bumblebees three windsailing kites and the beautiful scenery you painted in the sky we love you more than words could possibly express love daddy mommy s autumn xxxooo posted by nan mike at 4 36 am 8 comments thursday march 3 2011 attempting to embrace it again loved with a love beyond all feeling missed with a grief beyond all tears missing you tons baby girls i love you posted by nan mike at 8 00 am 7 comments wednesday february 9 2011 bottled up we are rounding the corner to our triplet s 2nd birthday angelversary i am taking the time to write this post no matter how it comes out or sounds because i just have to i don t know exactly if i can pinpoint that anticipating another date is making me crazy this past month or two or could it be that my outlet of blogging and getting my thoughts out in writing has been lacking for 4 months now either way i can honestly say that no matter what has happened since we lost the girls i still go through all of the typical phases of grief for me sometimes i find myself thinking that you should be better by now or should not be going through grief phases especially with the positive things that have happened to you since then what i do know and what i have learned is that this is forever i can t believe how many people feed me the line you should be happy now crap there is no need to tell me that do you want to know how many times i got asked why i have 7 stockings hanging up for xmas duh i have alot of things that have been bothering me for a while now and keeping it bottled up not a good thing to do now i know now that i can recognize what i m going through i want to talk about it i want to talk about my girls and celebrate their brief beatiful lives and what they have taught me but i find that many people irl not all but alot shy away from me when i want to talk about it they change the subject or walk away really seriously do they even know what i ve really been through in the last 6 years alone yes they do enough for two lifetimes or more i left my psychologist appointment last monday in sobbing tears the flood gates opened as i realized i really haven t been facing or embracing my thoughts or feelings i drove to my moms who thankfully lives 5 minutes away from there and just fell apart on the floor literally then the next day i got super angry and was angry for about a week which actually affected my work and someone thought i threw them under the proverbial bus which by the way is something i would never ever do now i m in a lull which is what i think is depression and i m on medication now for depression so what the heck phases ugh grief seems to always win until you recognize the phase you are in if you cannot outlet your grief somehow well atleast for me i know it will come out in some other way when i wasn t facing it i started dreaming and having nightmares dreaming horrible horrible dreams and i am still having a few but they are not as bad i dream of people being possessed by demons and i have to shake the crap out of them to snap out of it can you guess what that one means yep i m asking people to wake the frig up and just listen you don t have to reply just listen there were many other horrible dreams but most i d rather keep to myself i ve been away from blogging for so long now partially because i start to write and have to erase it all because my thoughts overwhelm me and i worry about what others think too much i know this place is my story to write and etc etc but i also worry about offending others who read here i always want to be sensitive to readers who have been through loss so i try not to bring up autumn but she comes up in everything i do she is forever a little sister on earth to my triplets in heaven so how could i leave her out so if i mention her please know my intent is not to upset anyone i will always try to just mention her on our other blog sometimes i feel guilty having any of these thoughts in my head when i have autumn and feel i should just shut up it s all very conflicting i read everyone s blogs every week or so as to keep up so please know even though i don t comment i am still thinking of you wondering praying hoping all is as well as it can be a good friend texted me and said it best how i ve been feeling lately it seems like no matter how good you are it s never great because they aren t here i hope i m off my soapbox for now i just really needed to vent maybe someone out there is feeling the same way i am and if so i hope this brought some comfort to you to know you aren t alone we are planning a trip to the beach over the triplets birthday and even though it will be cold there i just felt like we needed some us time to just be i think we might light some fireworks and if the weather cooperates we might take lots of beach walks and sit on the jettys keeping it simple this year but i know i need to be away from here think spring much love xxxooo posted by nan mike at 8 00 pm 11 comments monday october 18 2010 candles i didn t have alot of time after work to get this together but wanted to share that i lighted candles in honor of all our babies with every candle i had i did better last year but next year i want to make sure i have it just perfect i noticed last year and this year both had very windy cold days and that my plans for an outside night vigil were not going to happen so this is what i have and it was sweet hubby and i hugged for a long while and had some tears but ultimately it showed us even more how much love we have for our children in the sky and that not a day goes by that we don t think about them click here for more pictures and i hope you all had beautiful candlelit memories love nan posted by nan mike at 8 28 pm 11 comments thursday october 14 2010 layers of grief oct 15th rememberence day living child mentioned just want to give a heads up in case you don t want to read but you may find it helpful if not please know that i will be thinking of all of our babies in heaven tomorrow and always love nan xxxooo since my last post i have been struggling with what to write i think we all have either a writer s block sometimes or even just need a break every once in a while when the year and half mark hit last month the day was labor day ugh and i went to the park to walk and push autumn in her stroller there i was walking weeping sobbing and then staring at a beautiful face that will someday know that she has three big sisters who are now in heaven i asked myself for a month how can i still struggle when i have autumn then i realized these things 1 because the fact is that my girls were real they were here and that i still grieve their loss and their dream 2 because all of the things i used to do ie blog garden i can t do as much so that can sometimes feel like i am taking time away from reflecting on them 3 because with each year the grief gets a little lighter with some setbacks but the feeling of guilt comes into the picture for it feeling lighter 4 because i ll always worry about losing autumn too none of this is easy and honestly i have not walked the most graceful path but to get the thoughts out of my head and to maybe know that someone else may be feeling the same way just makes me feel better my therapist shared something a few months back that may be helpful to some of you and i have been wanting to write about it for a while i asked her why i couldn t process in other words why did i break down hysterically some things as easily anymore such as thoughts of a baby shower for myself until autumn arrived safely it is because we process things differently now when someone is grieving the thought process has alot layers because it has too many things to consider and becomes emotional overload so for example a baby shower you think why can t i handle it because a it reminds you what you should have had a year ago b fear of seeing another small baby c fear of seeing baby bumps besides your own d if it was a surprise shower then you would feel betrayed by all who knew upfront that you couldn t handle it e fear of having to return gifts or look at a room full of gifts if your baby did not make it f i could go on and on and on many many layers and that is just one example i had a shower after autumn was born and i cried a bunch but i was prepared for it and prepared to talk about my girls that day also surprises don t sit well with us and i know most here reading can relate anyway i just wanted to share that and also i am thinking of all of our babies in heaven tomorrow and always i will be lighting a bunch of candles and we will all be together in spirit tomorrow i also plan to try and decorate the babies garden with some flowers and pumpkins hugs and lots of love nan xxx posted by nan mike at 8 30 pm 10 comments older posts home subscribe to posts atom our angels together in heaven shelby lee megan aimee lynne barbara for just a little time in our arms but forever in our hearts still standing child loss and infertility support website about me nan mike pa united states wife to a wonderful man mom to triplet angel girls in heaven and our earthly rainbow grasshopper arrived safe and sound in our arms on july 8th 2010 blogging is one of the things that help me get by everyday and i hope what i write might help someone else feel not so alone view my complete profile our story our story written in 2009 our other blog procedures pregnancy and u s pictures persevering to become an earthly mommy our wedding day 9 17 2005 our picture gallery want to see some more pics click here followers blog archive 2025 1 march 1 16 years today 2020 1 march 1 2019 1 march 1 2017 1 february 1 2016 1 february 1 2015 2 march 1 february 1 2014 5 march 1 february 3 january 1 2013 2 march 1 february 1 2012 17 december 1 july 1 june 5 may 4 april 3 march 2 february 1 2011 14 december 2 november 4 october 3 september 1 july 1 march 2 february 1 2010 34 october 2 september 1 august 1 july 5 june 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