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she told me how much it hurt that the woman she had called grandma for 10 years didn t even aknowledge her birthday not even a card mom not that i expected much but i thought she d send a card in my eyes these were normal feelings in the face of a family split now i wish i had gotten her in to talk to someone that was removed from the family i am not all knowledgable i thought i could help with my talks of strength and taking the lemons life gives you and making lemonade etc in hindsight i wish i had taken her to a professional to just talk out her feelings imagine the pain i could have spared my daughter had i not remarried i don t fully regret getting remarried i am so lucky to have the children our triplets that came out of that relationship but as i start again as a single mom that s how it will stay me and the kids they do not need to be exposed to my romantic relationships they do not need multiple people to come in and out of their lives their dad is part of their lives and by working together i am certain that they can reap the benefits of a mother and a father even while we are in separate households there are more regrets more things i will change in my parenting style but those two are the most important in my view of the recent events those two are the two that i have full and immediate ability to change epic parenting fail i don t know but yes it feels like it but after all we are human we learn throughout our lifetime learning is how we grow so by analyzing the parenting i am doing i am growing hopefully in the right direction erika erikalandon 2012 posted by unknown no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest 3 09 2012 epic fail that s what it feels like epic parenting fail or just parenting i am sharing this only to let anyone out there who may be going through a similar situation see that they are not alone as a parent i continually wonder if i am doing it right or if i am failing in key areas these last two weeks have really left me wondering really left me doubting really left me reeling my eldest daughter is 17 up until a couple weeks ago her grades were almost all a s she was on track to graduate with her class most of whom she had known and gone to school with since grade school she was proud of her last report card that was above a 3 0 gpa she was helpful around the house and watched her little brother and sister often while i worked my second job and sometimes while i worked late at my primary job she was proud of herself when she could make sure i came home to a clean house she was working hard at what she needed to get done as a 17 year old and in an instant or what seems like and instant all this changed her facebook post that morning and here s where it all goes bad i left for work that morning telling her that i would talk to her after school she was in trouble and i was taking her phone the rest would be ironed out when she got home from school and i from work she asked for lunch money and then asked for extra money so that her and her friend could go to muchas gracias at lunchtime cause that s what we do on mondays momma yes she still called me momma up until that day i called my eldest son at 6 11 that morning and asked him to wake his sister for school since i had her phone and she used that as an alarm clock mom she must have left for school already she s not home my mouth went dry my mind started reeling my heart sank sank to the bottom of my stomach i asked him to check the yard to check the garage to check all the bedrooms and the closets he said she s not here mom what happened 6 11 that morning the time is oddly etched in my mind and my heart sank again sank to my smallest toe she was gone she had taken off but i still had hope at that point i still thought she would go to school graduation was just around the corner she wouldn t do this right i called the school at second period her first scheduled class of the day no show then again at third period no show no show all day when i got home i checked school wires the site wherein i am able to instantly see attendance and grades i had hope again her 6th period teacher had marked her present i called the school to verify no sorry mrs landon the teacher was mistaken she is not in class and my heart sank yet again farther than my smallest toe now to understand you need a little background my middle daughter is my heart she is my joy she is my pride she has been my everything for almost 18 years i worried about her when i became pregnant with the triplets as she would no longer be the baby but she held so much love for those three little babies that were so difficult to bring into this world i worried about her when little eric died but she was still so young and innocent 9 years old that she simply understood that he was in heaven with loved one s already passed she learned to help care for the special needs of her little sister she learned to deal with the ongoing special needs of her little brother she was a rock star or so i thought i retrospect i can see that things were harder on her than i understood while i was a sahm my focus was on getting the babies healthy enough to thrive in this world while i thought i was able to give her extra attention she felt as though she was in the shadows i didn t know i revelled in her dance team activities in her cheerleading ventures in her school accomplishments but yes i had two very fragile babies to care for and i was in mourning mourning the loss of my precious baby boy and the impending loss of the marriage that brought those babies into our lives but even so i thought i was doing the best for my kids so last week my daughter ran away she ran to escape she ran to hide she ran to restart she ran to be with her boyfriend she ran away she showed up at her dad s house 4 days later she looked thin and needed love but i felt that she needed to face what she had put the family through and face her demons i am big on personal responsibility she came home two days later but she had told us she would run again she promised her sister she would watch her gymnastics meet and she did there were moments that sunday in which i saw glimpses of my daughter but those faded as she reconnected with her boyfriend on facebook towards the end of the day there were painful moments also in which my daughter who had always been respectful and kind was not there she cursed in front of her little brother and sister she said things that were hurtful to me that night as i slept with thoughts and dreams of a counselor visit in the morning and getting her back into school she left again i woke in the morning and once again like in the days during the previous week i cried so hard and deelpy reminicent of the days after my son died when i never knew pain could run so deep and my heart sank farther than i knew it could go she s been gone since sunday night we are entering a new weekend a weekend wherein i miss my daughter with every part of my soul with every part of my being with every minute that passes i have spent the week looking back looking forward and questioning was this an epic parenting fail or simply just parenting i don t know i just don t know to be continued erika erikalandon 2012 posted by unknown 6 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest to my children big and small but mostly the bigger ones i think about you alot i wish your life was different i wish things were easy and carefree i hurt when you hurt i am sad when you are sad i am happy when you are happy i worry when you are out late at night i worry when i hear sirens and hope you are safe i am proud of you when you don t even know it when you think you haven t done anything for me to be proud of this is a post i had started back in january with thoughts of my 17 year old daughter megan in mind as i read it now i wish so badly that i had posted it or even said it out loud to her i wish she could see it and know how much i meant it erika erikalandon 2010 posted by unknown 3 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest 12 17 2011 i think i found the christmas spirit this year has been to put it lightly tough i ll be more than glad when it s over yet in the last couple weeks i have found the true christmas spirit i think snowmen that levi and vivian made in school this year may just be my favorite part of this year i love these in fact levi showed me how much of a difference a couple of things has made just the other day lots of people care about us mom and that s what matters this from my very insightful 8 year old little boy the events that brought on this thought happened in the last few weeks first last month a friend at work gave levi a bike that his child had outgrown becuase levi had outgrown his then a secret santa friend got me a pair of boots for work and finally a friend that i have worked with for a long time gave us a christmas tree from his tree farm that up until this year i hadn t even known he owned to me these seemingly small occurences made a huge difference as it seems they did to the kids s ince becoming a single mom household stress has been the norm for me these stressors i try and keep quiet about especially with megan at 17 and in her senior year she is very sensitive to stress and money concerns most days i feel like i work and try and try to catch up but there is just no end like the light at the end of the tunnel is so far away that i would do better to keep digging and get out that way instead of trying to climb out you know i catch up on one thing and another is lurking around the corner just out of sight until i think i can breath a sigh of relief and there it is to steal that breath yet in the last few weeks as i have talked with the kids about how tight money is and how the importance of christmas is family being together and being thankful for even the smallest of things the kids took these talks to heart and i am so impressed by their understanding of it levi said that they have enough toys and don t need any he did ask for clothes for christmas specifically a hoody sweatshirt vivian isn t concerned about what she gets other than a doll megan says she doesn t need anything she plans on putting away whatever christmas money she gets so she can buy a car matt of course never asks for anytthing and i know that the gift he is planning on for his brother and sisters will make him this years christmas hero i thank god that i am one of those early shoppers since i start my christmas gift planning in january there were gifts to pull out of hiding and place under the tree it will not be the big christmas morning that the kids had become accustomed to but we will be together and happy but even moreso i thank god for the kindess of others because in this my kids are so sure that even in the unceartainty of the divorce and all that comes with it they ll be okay that god will take care of us and our needs that lots of people care about us mom and that s what matters christmas will never be what it was for me before 2003 i doubt i will ever have the same passion for the season and the joy but my heart is warmed by the beauty in the thoughts of others this year and their help in showing my kids what the christmas spirit is erika erikalandon 2011 posted by unknown 2 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest 11 20 2011 ghosts of children passed eureka street suggested reading for anyone that wonders how to react and act after a child has died ghosts of children passed eureka street a fabulously written article i was so touched by how well the author put into words the thoughts and feelings that myself and other loss moms have talked about erika erikalandon 2011 posted by unknown no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest when the anniversaries have passed i am always able to breathe a sigh of relief the anniversary of the kids micro preemie entrance into this world brings back so many painful memories the month following brings daily thoughts of __ years ago i still had all three of my miracles here on earth with us the anniversary of eric s passing then brings me to the end of part of the pain not that i miss him less not that i don t find tears randomly entering my world but the reality that we have passed these days of when there was three still alive brings an odd sense of calm so today i am thankful thankful for my survivors and my other children thankful that against all odds levi is able to run and play and amaze me with his sense of humor thankful that against all odds vivian is capable and excels at almost everything she tries to do thankful that megan even in her senior year and with all the crazy things that go along with it is happy to help out with and spend time with her little brother and sister thankful that matt has grown to such a caring thoughful and helpful young man and yes thankful that i got to spend the time that i did with little eric that first month this year is hard what with the divorce and all my goal for the holiday season this year is to remember to be thankful for the smallest of blessings erika erikalandon 2011 posted by unknown no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest 11 12 2011 eric scott landon jr 10 15 2003 11 12 2003 the first time i held you in my arms i also held so much hope hope that you and your brother and sister would run through my house and drive me crazy times three for the next 18 years or so that you and levi would get to play pranks on everyone to see who could tell you apart that you and all of your brothers and sisters could grow up happy and know the love of a large family that i would soon learn if yours and levi s hair was going to stay as red as the fuzz on your heads at birth that one day i would be able to hear you speak see you walk and teach you to ride a bike the first time i held you in my arms i also held so much hope hope that the doctors were wrong and that the first time i held you was not also going to be the last but it was the last i held you and had to let you go i know you re whole now i know you re watching over us i hope you know how much i love you how much i miss you how much i wish you were here i love you little eric my angel in heven i love you and miss you so much one month was just not enough love momma mom erikalandon 2011 posted by unknown 3 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest 10 15 2011 happy 8th birthday eric vivian and levi i can t believe it they re 8 years old 8 years ago when delivery came so fast when heartrates dropped as doctors and nurses resuscitaed three little babies as they were given surfactant and i v s as they were whisked off the the nicu with the chances of survival so unknown i didn t know if we would ever make it to this day we did not all of us mind you little eric took his...