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Text of the page (random words):
something that doesn t make sense monday marked 22 years since we lost our son i always feel an especial closeness to him around this time of year yesterday s events convinced me again that andrew was there as he always is below the surface always looking out for his mom where do i start how do i untangle this s had lost his driver s permit for days and found it literally minutes before it was time for us to leave for his band practice we decided to take my mini van because the check engine light was on in the kid car which is an old car but is a great little car from going from point a to point b as we were driving south on a 35mph road i spotted a car parked off to the side of the road but in our lane facing us i had commented to s to never park like that against traffic and told him to slow way down from an already slow speed and give the car plenty of room remarking that there could be a passenger who could open their door not paying attention and hit us we were the only car on the road at the time so he was able to go into the opposite lane to give plenty of room and that s when it happened the car seemingly out of nowhere plowed right into us me almost head on but because s was going around hit mostly the front corner wheel my initial reaction and concern was s i told him you re ok you re ok just pull over not realizing the car wasn t really moving it felt slow motion we drifted to the side in front of someone s house as my mind started to settle i tried to open the door and get out of the car that wasn t happening i called 911 and apologized saying it wasn t an emergency emergency we were in an accident we were going slow and i believed all were ok but could they please send the police we had to all be ok sean was going so slow that car had been parked he just wasn t paying attention right we both exited the drivers side of the car a kind witness stopped to check and make sure we were alright i let her know that we were and had asked her if she witnessed any of the accident she said she hadn t but she saw the driver take off i looked to where she was looking and saw the car a very nice convertible car with no driver in it i had wondered if perhaps the driver was impaired and worried about getting into trouble i couldn t understand why he left we weren t angry rather relieved to be ok the owner of the house we were parked in front of came out to check on us another neighbor i assume had also come by we all commented on how lucky we were and that cars can be replaced but people can t people can t that s when i gestured to the car and mentioned the other driver had left the owner of the house looked to where i was pointing and said oh my god i think that s my husband she took off running and calling his name s and i sat down and prayed i knew that things weren t right things were not making sense something was wrong it was worse than it should have been but i didn t know what was to come next i heard the woman s voice cries for her husband and then a wail her husband s name over and over in a way i will not soon forget i checked my phone it had been 13 minutes since my call to 911 i decided to call again hello i just called about a car accident my son and i are ok but i m worried about the other driver the dispatcher asked me my location and let me know yes someone had called and that they were en route for the suicide suicide suicide and in a moment so much changed all of it changed those jagged puzzle pieces started to try to fit i tried to make sense of something i couldn t make sense of the scene was roped off we were talking to officers a sergeant a social worker my husband came it all happened so fast but slow motion a blur the day the scene the moment all a blur s had said he wanted to still go to band i wasn t sure what he knew and just kept asking over and over are you ok he just kept saying he was fine he was worried about me his arm around my shoulder a touch on my leg just letting me know he was with me we were together we were real this was real as the jagged puzzle pieces try to fit i still have so many questions and so many whatifs what if this was intentional oh my gosh was this intentional he sped up into us didn t he how did he hit us so hard so fast when he was parked what if i was driving i would have given room but i certainly wouldn t have slowed down so much what if he had hit us at a faster speed and then what if he had injured himself just enough to not be able to exit that vehicle and do what he did what if he wasn t able to get to that house what if there wasn t a gun would he be alive what if what if what if there were other things i learned fragments of conversations overheard me trying to force them together make it make sense make something that makes no sense make sense but in the end there is a truth there was an accident a man is dead his wife is grieving lives changed forever because of a moment of all the mix of emotions that i have felt about this the one that i have not felt is anger this person i now believe intentionally tried to crash into us my car is totaled trust me this is going to be bad and expensive and i can t even cross that bridge right now but that bridge can be crossed i can t be angry we are still here we still can cross those terribly hard bridges and so of the emotions similar to that night we lost andrew confusion relief fear the coming out of the fog there is one emotion that is stuck one that i can t shake sadness sadness for his wife and family and friends and community sadness knowing however bad it was and i believe it must have felt suffocating it was suffocating that it didn t have to end like this sadness that i am looking at my son and i don t know exactly what is or isn t in his head do i ask deeper questions do i probe do i let it be sadness that i can still hear and see and feel all of yesterday it keeps cycling in my brain and i can t get it to stop but perhaps above all a deep deep sadness for him sadness that he felt this was what needed to be done sadness that he chose this whether it was planned out for years months days or perhaps just a moment just a moment i do believe that andrew was there i believe the many things that happened to keep us safe happened the way they should i just hope that lessons can be learned that healing can happen i am so very sorry for the driver i am so sorry for his pain i am so so sorry i wish i could have changed that moment i wish he could have too what if what if what if if you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts please please talk to someone pick up the phone and hopefully things can improve the moment can improve one moment at a time dial 988 if you are in need of help any time of day laura 12 share here monday september 1 2025 22 years perhaps you are here because a kind act was done for you because of andrew or maybe you were curious who andrew was is it s september 2025 andrew was my first born son he was born one minute before his twin brother on september 15th they were both wrapped in cord andrew didn t make it jonasen did here is their story in the 22 years since my heart shattered for the first time and grew beyond measure i have been gifted so many lessons from andrew from his absence and i d argue also from his presence in my life as another september dawns i am aware that for some reason this time of year is one that challenges me in so many ways my major world changing tragedies all happened in september it is the month where i have cried the most tears prayed the most screamed the most questioned the most it is a month of hard as i say goodbye to my grown children and hello to a new group of students it is a transitional month the month i always seem to change and somehow come out on the other side a little better a little more understanding a little softer a little more at peace i know that my heartaches have grown me and shaped me and changed me it doesn t mean that it wasn t hard that there weren t days where i wasn t sure i would make it but i m here on the other side stronger than ever but september 15th is always a hard one for me the boy that i think of every day is not someone that the world knows except perhaps once a year when they are the beneficiary of an act that was done in memory of my son seeing his name hearing his name it all brings me such comfort and so as i travel to his garden and then later to see his brother i hope that all around there might be other people who pause and think this day got a little better because of andrew if you plan to do a kind act or receive a kind act please tell me about it here or in the comments below if you d like a ready made note to print and share with your kind act click here laura 0 share here friday february 21 2025 because writing makes me feel better jennie my tattoo in my nana s shorthand sometimes they fly away too soon dear jennie it feels strange writing this to you like this but then you know that s my way writing letters has always helped me process and while i sure did tell you a lot about my inner thoughts and you told me a lot about yours i wish we would have had time for more i will never forget when we met we got this new teacher at lle shorter than i was haha you were setting up your new first grade classroom i met your husband son around my son s age and little daughter with that cute little pacifier always in her mouth even all these years later i feel like i ll flashback to that memory you were definitely on the quiet side but a nut i wanted to crack i remember thinking she doesn t like me her words are saying one thing but here face and body language are saying another and i did something i had never done before and i have never done since i kind of called you out on it the crazy thing was as soon as i did that we became fast friends and confidants i m still a bit in awe with how that happened i honestly don t remember too much of our years teaching together partly because as you know i have the worst memory on the planet unlike you and i feel like our friendship really grew after you left when you left our daily small talks became text messages and check ins i loved being the person that you could share what you were really thinking about things and that you could be mine ok i admit the not always nice things and i loved laughing about that stuff with you i remember when you texted me that something may be wrong and that there would be testing that you were worried that your mom died too young and i remember when you learned on valentine s day 3 years ago that you had pancreatic cancer to be honest i didn t know anything about that type of cancer you knew i knew about the cancers jim and christie had but i didn t know about yours but dang when you told me i didn t quite know what to say but that if anyone could beat it it would be you my gosh you fought and fought hard i loved our walk and talks and didn t mind one iota stopping when you needed to i loved our lunch dates but most of all i loved our daily text messages i didn t tell you this but i had a timer on my phone that went off at 12 55 every day when my kids finally went to lunch so i would never forget to check in and get my daily update from you i m a bit embarassed about that but hey i m the girl that had a reminder on her phone to hug her kids on the daily and the fact is those alarms made me get the job done i remember in recent weeks when you told me that you may just need to give a heart to my messages but that you read every one and loved them and to keep them up i remember when i shared my window routine opening my window and talking to god andew and other loved ones in heaven sharing the things and people that were on my heart and that you were always the first person i talked about i remember when i told you that the camp idea that you brought to my classroom would forever be named after you and how you got a little misty eyed when i told you that that camp ashley would be way better than camp pickles that the kids always seemed to want to do because ok i like pickles i told you that as long as i was living and teaching my kids would know you and your story i miss you jennie i miss every amazing miracle big and small those last years i miss the hope we had i miss you i remember when you had made peace that it was going to happen and when i shared that my new prayers out the window shifted to your peace to your comfort to your husband and children i remember when you told me you were were sleeping oh so much and that you couldn t keep your eyes open i told you that i prayed for you to have happy dreams with your mom and maybe my andrew i told you i bet they were excited to see you but that i sure hope you didn t go just yet but that i knew you d know your time people seem to i remember when you wrote me back and clearly you prayed for dreams because 1 i never dream and 2 i had a crazy but happy dream with so many i love in it even my mom which is rarer than rare like maybe 3x in 20 yrs i remember your concern about my dumb surgery and your check ins and i thought and said you don t need to worry one bit about me but you loved me too and that s who you were i remember when i texted i loved you and that i hoped the day was decent what was good anymore and you texted me back today was decent with that purple heart and i was so so so happy i remember how in awe i was that you were making all of your kids things taking these amazing bucket list vacations and recording it all you were superwoman i remember how worried you were about paige about emerson and how you loved that every time he even walked by a room you were in he had to come in and give you a squeeze and i remember your love for ryan and how in awe you were of all the things he did for you and my smile and laughter when you told me how he put that bed in the back of the trunk so that you could sleep if you needed to rest on the drives from treatments how you would both laugh at what passers by would think as they they saw some big guy helping this tiny gray haired lady into the trunk of a car by the way you rocked that gray when your hair came back seriously though you knew i was always of fan of that color on anyone you looked awesome and i remembered texting you and not getting that heart again and again i remember seeing ryan s text i remember my phone ringing during our class valentine party i remember thinking you left you picked a good day valentine s was already shitty since it was the day you got your diagnosis it was the perfect day to go tell your mom all the wonderful things about the last 21 years i remember thinking of that hug the reunion you died that afternoon and i remembered you writing once how you never liked to sleep in the afternoon because you read somewhere that most people die in the afternoon i thought you changed your mind you were ready you fought so hard and lived so much longer than anyone thought i was not surprised i will remember how this w...