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Text of the page (random words):
our tiny angels our tiny angels exploring our journey from grief to hope after the second trimester miscarriage of our iui twins aliya amy and bennett paul home our infertility journey aliya bennett tribute to our babies helpful links disclaimer request monday march 28 2016 here we go again i ve debated whether or not to write here again i truly lack the time and energy but not the fear of putting myself back out there again my motivation right now though is guilt guilt that as much as i documented my pregnancy with asher i ve said virtually nothing about this baby currently growing in my belly what kind of a mother am i do i want this baby less no i will say though that it all still seems surreal and i find myself sometimes forgetting i m pregnant that is until i barf again let me back up i added a new page to this blog to document our infertility journey i didn t have it written down anywhere in a single location you can find the page in my blog menu paul and i are so over the moon with asher but we never wanted to be a family of just three however my struggles with postpartumm anxiety turned plain ol anxiety really made me second guess the idea of trying again we finally decided to take the leap in august 2015 through donor egg ivf the process took longer than we d hoped with scheduling pre cycle tests selecting a donor pulling together the funds and having another hysteroscopy to remove polyps finally in december it was time to start meds given we chose to use an anonymous frozen donor egg program the guaranteed two healthy blastocysts that were created were frozen when they reached day 5 so i could do my meds relatively stress free without having to worry about timing my uterine lining and hormones with embryo growth it was crazy easy compared to what we d gone through in the past on transfer day we transferred on fully hatched perfect day 6 blast five days later i had an unbelievably faint bfp one that barely progressed in darkness over the next several days betas confirmed a nice sticky pregnancy and our first ultrasound showed one embryo with a heartbeat this first trimester has been painfully long for me although paul says it s gone by fast today i am 13 weeks 4 days pregnant baby is the size of a peach i ve been in maternity clothes since 10 weeks 3 days and started feeling baby move at 11 5 weeks i have been really sick again this time throwing up more in the last week than ever and definitely more than i did with asher frankly i ve been miserable and not terribly grateful most days i actually had to miss asher s first public easter egg hunt last weekend because i was home throwing up good times it s bad enough that i m fairly positive that i will not do this again our one remaining embryo while we hope plan to not have to make a choice as to its fate until this child is 12 months old and the risk of sids is super low will likely not make it into my uterus i just can t fathom having a fourth first trimester filled with all day morning sickness and worry this weekend i ll reach the same gestation as i was when aliya s water broke my anxiety level has ratcheted up significantly as the weekend approaches i m using my home doppler daily to make sure my little passenger is still with us and kind of surprised to hear that galloping heartbeat each time my ob sees me every two weeks so i ll get to see baby again this week at 16 weeks i ll start 17p shots and biweekly cervical length monitoring again so that ll be my next milestone after that anatomy scan between 18 20 weeks when we ll finally get to learn the sex of our fourth child for now it s back to parenting our beautiful funny smart and active toddler boy and managing my nausea and vomiting posted by amy l at 5 53 pm 6 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest tuesday october 27 2015 still rough around the edges i ve been carrying the below around on a sticky note for years since three months after i was diagnosed with ppd and ptsd in fact and rereading it i realized it still rings true although the glue is no longer as fresh 6 26 12 i am a china cup once all pretty patterned smooth outside delicate handle then dropped to the ground shattered scattered in jagged pieces now glued slowly back together still patterned still a cup but now imperfect rumpled no longer smooth i still hold the same inside mostly but it s moved by the lumpiness of the glued together fragments the same but not at all posted by amy l at 3 39 pm 3 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels feelings grieving loss monday june 15 2015 feeling all the feelings asher recently moved up to the toddler room at daycare he s following their routines washing his hands closing and opening doors putting toys away sharing today while signing paul and myself up to chaperone some of the class s summer field trips the date of one i was considering popped out for the first time even though i ve looked at it numerous times in the last week august 5th the day my babies died my breath caught in my throat after a quick deliberation i signed up to chaperone that day i suppose it s better to spend a few hours at a park and getting ice cream with my rainbow boy who turns two in just six days than trying not to cry while sitting among my co workers at my desk very few of whom know my story it s clear that so many people around me have forgotten about our babies life has moved on we have a handsome handful of a towhead toddler running us ragged we must be all fixed like none of it ever happened it s true that i have joy in my life today i laugh every day at and with my funny boy he s the life of every party and has a harem of little girlfriends at daycare he s a sunshine no doubt an extrovert and people person making friends right and left with people of all ages as much happiness as he brings me his siblings are missing there are holes in our family that can t be filled by anyone not even him this past weekend we joined other bereaved parents at the tears foundation s rock walk event in honor of our lost babies in talking with my friend at and after the event several feelings came up the anxiety leading up to the event the absolute annoyance during the event like why in fuck do we need a 45 minute opening ceremony when we re really all there just to remember and honor our dead babies and the emotional exhaustion after as i walked slowly around the track with my mom ahead of paul and asher i said i still cannot believe this is my life the life of dead babies of years of heartbreak and infertility the exclusion the isolation the trying to navigate joy with pain the devastating guilt i feel when asher is pummeling my very last nerve wondering when if ever these contradictory feelings will fade we re almost to the four year mark i can look back in my mind s eye to the events that happened on the 4th and 5th of august so many years ago as if i m watching someone else s movie detached but the lingering effects of our journey to build a family and claw my way through the reality of life after babyloss are still very much real and alive it hurts my heart posted by amy l at 1 27 pm 6 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels feelings grieving infertility rainbow baby older posts home subscribe to posts atom subscribe posts atom posts all comments atom all comments about me amy l wa united states mom to twins aliya and bennett lost 8 5 11 to a second trimester miscarriage due to pprom parenting their little brother asher born 6 21 13 our ivf miracle and preemie sister gemma who joined us 8 21 16 through donor egg ivf thank you for reading view my complete profile when someone comes into our lives and they are too quietly and quickly gone they leave footprints on our hearts and their memory stays with us forever blogcatalog search post categories christmas 1 depression 5 feelings 52 grieving 76 hope 31 infertility 56 inspiration 8 ivf 27 loss 57 miscellaneous 5 pregnancy 51 pregnancy symptoms 38 rainbow baby 5 ttc 58 twins 62 weight loss 1 popular posts joy the truth father s day time flies here we go again archive archive march 2016 1 october 2015 1 june 2015 1 august 2014 1 august 2013 1 july 2013 1 june 2013 4 may 2013 5 april 2013 4 march 2013 4 february 2013 6 january 2013 5 december 2012 7 november 2012 4 october 2012 9 september 2012 6 august 2012 4 july 2012 5 june 2012 3 may 2012 10 april 2012 11 march 2012 5 february 2012 4 january 2012 12 december 2011 15 november 2011 7 october 2011 6 september 2011 6 august 2011 10 followers blogs i follow stirrup queens best books of september 1 day ago moments of pause one week later a rambling mess 1 year ago by the brooke 2022 year in review 3 years ago cullen s blessings gratitude 4 years ago my life after loss rescued no 7 years ago finding my new normal kids in coffee shops yes or no 8 years ago jack at random diary 002 vivian 10 08pm 8 years ago missconception surprise update final divorce edition 9 years ago glow in the woods i want to tell them 10 years ago phoenix rising death 11 years ago first time twins the story s end 11 years ago from monkeys to dragonflies and beyond dreaming and waking and thinking and crying 11 years ago life after addison addison s 4th birthday 11 years ago still life with circles right where i am five years and almost seven months 12 years ago dear stevie good golly 12 years ago two pieces of my heart anticipation 12 years ago just another day in wileydise everything s gonna be alright 12 years ago once a mother five years 13 years ago my distraction copyright 2011 simple theme powered by blogger