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ality friday may 31 2013 right where i am 2013 four years five months nine days two years ago i launched a project called right where i am where i asked other babylost parents to write about right where they were in their grief and it also was about how wherever you are it is right i asked people to only talk about the present moment in their grief not where they were yesterday or tomorrow but how they were feeling today i asked each person to title their piece with right where i am followed by the time since their child or children died here is the first year s post here is last year s post one hundred and seventy nine people wrote about right where they were the first year the second year it was one hundred and thirty two it was more than profoundly interesting it was beautiful heartbreaking lovely powerful i found it fascinating to read last year s and compare where i was last year to this year but also just to think about what grief is like for me now and what i am wrestling with these days also know that if you are new to this community we want to hear your story too i hope you decide to join in if you do write post your link in the mr linky below feel free to ask questions in the comments i ll answer them as soon as i get them sometimes where i am feels not right something more should be pouring out of me my daughter is dead after all she slipped from my body on a cold december evening four years ago her skin torn and white my heart broke open the last of that innocent young me flowing into her i felt an overwhelming compassion for all suffering it was a few weeks of tremendous pain and understanding then i closed my heart and waited for someone to work hard to open it but that wasn t the worst day of my life i don t even know which day was worse than finding out she died but it wasn t the one where i held her there were random days in that first year days of darkness and crying and anger so overwhelming all i could do was scream there were days when people told me that they could no longer abide my grief those were bad days the worst of them maybe came at year three because the effect of three years of grieving barreled back at me my blog and writing has never been the same since that day the worst days in the worst days there were also the best ones of my life ones of grace and serenity ones filled with gratitude and recognition this community held me so many times and i have watched it hold all these people at different times those moments of grace which i have witnessed for four years humble me i am privileged to be among such incredibly amazing creative funny smart deep people here is the thing i dare to write i grieve grief this thing i was so sure of that drove every moment of every day for those first few years the aching the longing the sadness that rested its head on the shoulder of every joy i was absolutely certain of grief as though it were a person i could commune with blame for the spilled milk fight with bathe with i could photograph grief back then standing in every family shot right behind me shooting up two fingers behind my head whispering bunny ears bitch i knew grief i could define it write about it paint it it looked like me and it looked like a saint a bodhisattva a darkness an ache the angel of death grief looked like weeping felt like a grenade and now grief is gone too my daughter s death lies just beyond reach it was there she was there or rather her absence was there i was so sure of the negative space that was just the size of her i could see the place where she should have been the mother i was supposed to be but now it is only this one life i m living i m too far down this path to remember any other path that once opened for me she is gone poof presto ala kazaam it is the most terrible magic trick ever a black sheet thrown over my grief and it is gone and so is she perhaps i grieve the immediacy of her death raw and pulsing the certainty i had of what people who loved me should do or be or what i needed and didn t need do i grieve my bad behavior too i suppose i do i cringe and miss the certainty is all now i expect nothing i don t have a particular burning desire to talk about lucia paz and the way her nose was just like thomas nose it just is anyone else s acknowledgement of her death her life or her absence affects nothing of my feelings about her death life or absence there is a hole in my years one of grieving like the years of a drug habit gone into oblivion i can recall those months the darkness and pain almost too much to revisit so i don t often it was hard my baby died i wrote and wrote and emailed and wrote i do feel different like i will always be the woman whose baby died who behaved badly who grieved out loud for too long i protect my heart constantly always it will be a life long practice to trust people again or rather to not care if they are worthy of my trust i try to make friends but the ones that i am drawn to are the ones like me who have something that profoundly shifted everything about them mostly now i am friends with others in recovery so many of the people i have met through my sobriety have lost a child or a spouse or both truthfully i have trouble being a mom in the schoolyard waiting for my kids making chit chat i do it i try but i can never quite get over that hurdle of but the baby died i don t even think it consciously it is just there waiting to be said last year i was still bleeding from my twelve week miscarriage it had only been a few weeks when i wrote this post last year when my heart chakra broke open then bleeding the blood of my fourth child pouring all the love i could into his passing i knew of this fleeting precious time with him this is it this is all i get i let my heart stay open i let people hold me and pour their love into me i realize now the heart breaks open to accept the love from others not to give it to others i had it all wrong when lucia died it is why i had so much hurt and pain from small things this time i let myself be loved i let my circles of women hold me and in doing that i healed the pain and hurt from lucia s death not the pain of her death but the unforgiveness and anger i had for the ones who could not abide at four years i have forgiven all those who couldn t be strong i forgive myself for her death i forgive the euphemisms and the wrong things said i forgive all those years i forgive all those who never said what they wanted to say i forgive the people who think stillbirth is not a big deal or that i should be over it or that anyone should i forgive myself for drinking too much and being a rotten friend even if i could not have done anything more than i did i forgive my husband i forgive i am free of unforgiveness this has been the practice of the last year and it has been incredible to live in healing and reconciliation to open to the divine and my own higher self my wings beat hard and strong i soar i can tell you that i was not ready for that at year one two three even but this year i feel like myself again the one that i always knew i could be or was the one full of forgiveness and love there is a different grief in my family right now i have no desire to write about it it is something i sit with turn over in my head i grieve with someone else now i open my heart to her and lay my hands on her listen and talk to abide is the great gift of these years of sobriety and grief i am now capable of being the friend i needed now it s your turn where are you in your grief emotionally physically psychically spiritually you can compare your journey from last year s post don t forget to link last year s post to this years title your post right where i am 2013 time since your child s death then come back here and link your blog post on the mr linky below click other participants and read about right where they are comment if you can thank you for telling me about right where you are if you don t want to write a full post why not just comment here and tell me the time since your loss es and anything else you want to share if you do not have a blog and are a regular reader you can post your essay on this very blog as a guest writer send me an email at uberangie at gmail dot com spread the word around the community by linking back to this post so people can find out what grief is like on all stops on the road posted by still life angie at 7 40 am 45 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels right where i am sunday may 19 2013 madiana i trucked the kids to my mother s for the weekend of munay ki and meditation and dressed and chatted friday morning with jess wrote a blog post here prepared with a reading and some coffee packed up my mesa with a rattle and cross and crystals to make a little grid for ascension as i drove i prayed as i always too talking to my guides please help keep me focused please help me recognize when to speak and when to shut up please guides if this is not where i am supposed to be make it abundantly clear help me to roll with the weekend with no expectations that i may follow your will for the highest good of all amen i arrived and the rites had been canceled only i signed up apparently and the lady said someone called except no one called not on my caller id or on my voicemail and i wondered to no one in particular why would i show up if i knew it was canceled the children and the dog were two hours away and my day was open suddenly and my prayers clearly answered and suddenly i have no idea what i m supposed to do while i was disappointed i decided to roll with it i drove to my sister s house and sat with her it is a hard time for her we decided to call a friend for a spiritual counselling session and when we talked she asked me to paint ten paintings for a party on thursday where she is channeling angels and guides for ten grieving mothers she asks me to paint archangel azrael the archangel of grief and then i remembered an email asking me to do some green prints of the labyrinth i had done the universe wants me to paint and so i put on music pulled off my sweater and got down to the business of art my tank top and dirty brick laying boots stained up with printing ink and mud i painted angels and printed cards and felt whole i need it all the art and writing and guitar playing and meditation and crystals and husband sex and tarot readings all of it together that is my density that is my center all of it not one more than the other it was a wonderful couple of days on saturday we drove to my mother s house and talked about places and money and the rest of our lives and responsibility and failure and all that we can be and all that we are and our children we talked a lot about our children when we landed it was before nine and my mother drove us to a little gem and mineral show where i oooed and aaahed crystals i shopped with my mother later and we stopped for lattes this morning there was a flea market and i bought a few wooden boxes which i admit are my weakness old wooden boxes that smell musty and full of secrets we came home and my mother daughter and i painted from strange chinese painting how to set my mother found at a thrift shop i painted wisteria in dirty purple and my mother painted blue pod lupine and my daughter painted fruit in a row on the table and it was a moment after a long weekend of beautiful moments that i felt this was exactly where i needed and wanted to be i didn t have to comment on it or ruin it by pointing it out but it reminded me of this story my friend carol told me she was down the shore with her children and friends and she sat in morning light in a sweatshirt sipping coffee with nowhere to go nothing to do the waves crashing ashore her favorite people in the house sleeping and she thought is this the happiest moment of my life i wondered it and dismissed it but wondered it nonetheless i sip tea and try to remember this story i wanted to tell that was funny to me it s gone it s the whole reason i sat down to write this afternoon it s a bitch getting older the white hairs are wiry and stubborn but the long black ones are just as tough but lie flat and submissive you could weave something magical out of the combination of them i imagine like a weaver bird s nest low and cocooned my children would climb in and exclaim sing us a funny old song mama while we whistle i kick my shoes off singing josephine baker madiana in fake french i make some ladybug thumb puppets dance the tango in the hole of their nest as they squeal in delight it s the happiest we may ever be but nevermind we are too happy to take note it s almost summer and the mosquitos haven t come out yet some workshop was canceled and we have a whole day to fall in love with each other posted by still life angie at 5 15 pm 5 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels happiness munay ki thursday may 16 2013 meditation on the tower i wish i had a sister that didn t die me too beezus but your sister didn t die no i mean i wish your sister hadn t died oh me too mami i know thomas i want a sister mami i know baby off they run to their play fort and behind the big tree where they create a fairy library with index cards and stamps all fairy and gnome books and they too are fairies dontcha know but always it lingers i want a sister who didn t die i didn t know what siblings would be like it ached in me before thor came sisters brothers what happens with two of them they play all day together with nary a whimper or fight it is nothing short of miraculous watching them negotiate and pretend and talk to their fae sister of the wood as i watch i am removed from that relationship in many ways and that is so beautiful their universe its wonders and phenomenon i know nothing about i am the gatekeeper to the real world i call them back from beyond feed them real food scrub the dirt off their knee and kiss their foreheads i keep thinking about siblings and soul contracts to hold each other my sister had a mini past life meditation a few weeks ago and saw us together in another life i her father she the daughter she saw us first playing in a field behind our shack of a farm in rural france perhaps in the 19th century then she fast forwarded to the end of her life and i was holding her she wasn t much older a devastating injury to her belly and i am crying over her it felt absolutely true like oh yeah that life how many lives have i lost children how many lives have i been a grieving parent and as she said it i understood finally the reason people want to know of past lives it sheds so much light on our own relationship dynamics we were born perfectly equal same day relatively same weight same home no power dynamic and yet me mothering her bossing her trying to save her we have learned to stop that dynamic finally in our middle age perhaps this is part of my life lesson to stop trying to save people and worry about saving my own ass when th...